(no subject)
Where do I begin? Months have passed since my last entry and so much has happened.
Aaron and I have officially stopped playing house and I’m living in Sacramento with Robert and Kari in a nice 3 bedroom house but it has yet to feel like home. I wish I could say our love is stronger than ever but truth be told it’s been a constant struggle. We’ve probably broken up a dozen times. We are both emotional people and we both over analyze everything. We’re stuck in our ways, used to being alone and know we can only really count on ourselves so when the tough times hit, we give up. I pack up my things and throw in the towel. Then reality sets in and I realize I’m truly better with him. It’s like when it’s good, it’s sooooo damn good and when it’s bad I am full of doubt and anger. I find myself wishing I had never returned his call that night he called when I was in NY. I find myself fighting and giving my all and realize when I’m half way, I am standing there alone and he is still far behind me wondering if this is what he wants.
He’s a good man, with a good heart. I know he loves me. I know he would never betray me or be disloyal. We both deserve to be happy.
I get so lost in our love. I guess the important part is not losing myself and allowing nature to take its course. I can’t control everything and everyone. Why is this so easy to see and so hard to implement?
My Dad is doing much better but there are days where I run out of optimistic things to tell him. Days where I want to say it’s okay to give up. Then the guilt sets in and I am reminded that I need him. I need him to tell me what to do when things go wrong with my car. I need him to answer my questions about war. I need him to walk me down the aisle and teach my kids about being a true Dallas Cowboys fan because that’s America’s team. I catch myself wondering where I’ll be when I get the call. How will I react? How will I ever be okay again? How do you let go of a parent?
All these transitions…all this turmoil. It’s hard to feel convinced that moving here was the right thing to do. Not a day passes that I don’t think of New York and wish I was walking, immersed in music and chaos. The grass is always greener. So cliché but damn, that’s the truth!
It feels good just to be writing again.
Aaron and I have officially stopped playing house and I’m living in Sacramento with Robert and Kari in a nice 3 bedroom house but it has yet to feel like home. I wish I could say our love is stronger than ever but truth be told it’s been a constant struggle. We’ve probably broken up a dozen times. We are both emotional people and we both over analyze everything. We’re stuck in our ways, used to being alone and know we can only really count on ourselves so when the tough times hit, we give up. I pack up my things and throw in the towel. Then reality sets in and I realize I’m truly better with him. It’s like when it’s good, it’s sooooo damn good and when it’s bad I am full of doubt and anger. I find myself wishing I had never returned his call that night he called when I was in NY. I find myself fighting and giving my all and realize when I’m half way, I am standing there alone and he is still far behind me wondering if this is what he wants.
He’s a good man, with a good heart. I know he loves me. I know he would never betray me or be disloyal. We both deserve to be happy.
I get so lost in our love. I guess the important part is not losing myself and allowing nature to take its course. I can’t control everything and everyone. Why is this so easy to see and so hard to implement?
My Dad is doing much better but there are days where I run out of optimistic things to tell him. Days where I want to say it’s okay to give up. Then the guilt sets in and I am reminded that I need him. I need him to tell me what to do when things go wrong with my car. I need him to answer my questions about war. I need him to walk me down the aisle and teach my kids about being a true Dallas Cowboys fan because that’s America’s team. I catch myself wondering where I’ll be when I get the call. How will I react? How will I ever be okay again? How do you let go of a parent?
All these transitions…all this turmoil. It’s hard to feel convinced that moving here was the right thing to do. Not a day passes that I don’t think of New York and wish I was walking, immersed in music and chaos. The grass is always greener. So cliché but damn, that’s the truth!
It feels good just to be writing again.