INSANITY LAND FIC
About: the one in which Kanda makes like Alice and goes to Insanity Land.
Beta-reader: blobbyeyes/Kay, who is epically awesome *HUGS*
Notes: Inspired by a Naruto fic I read long ago but can't find anymore (but I read it, like, 50 times, maybe more. So if some parts sound similar to you, you must have read it too, and you're witnessing my unconscious memory at work). So yeah, not at all my concept, this one. This is a Christmas/holidays/new year/thank you for being awesome fic present to eeeeeeeeevvveryone, though there'll be more (if late), so this one is a little more intended for riot_of_flowers, as a belated birthday present as well? ^^; I'm so lame. Hope you like.
(even if it's veeeeryyyy laaate)
"Just one tiny little kiss." the toad begs, puckering its lips.
"No way in fucking hell." Kanda hisses.
The toad tries to go for a sexy approach and licks its lips with a long, pink tongue instead, focusing all its soul into being enticing, shooting 'come hither' looks with its vomit-green eyes. Kanda turned a very interesting shade of purple.
"Look, look, it changes colors! How curious, how curious!" the gossiping flowers around them chatter happily.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"Please tell me," Allen says slowly, "your brother has been in Jeryy's ale again."
Lavi snorts into his book from across the room, where he's sprawling on the uncomfortable little couch the Supervisor usually takes naps on.
Lenalee cocks her head to the side, her pleasant smile unwavering. Allen finds himself straightening his back and Lavi's shoulders seem to become the tiniest bit stiffer at that.
Sitting on his big chair next to his sister, Komui just smiles ridiculously wide, not unlike someone recently escaped from a high security asylum. "Why, Allen, you almost sound like you don't trust me!" he croos good naturedly, his glasses sporting a wicked gleam.
"Certainly not, Mr. Komui." Allen deflects politely, smoothing down the fabric of his cuffs. "Merely making sure there are no misunderstandings between us, that's all."
A little cough comes from Lavi's side of the room, but is quickly smothered when Allen turns his brilliant smile in that direction.
"So, about this mission," Lavi speaks up for the first time since they entered the office, putting his book aside for a moment with a finger marking the page. "We have to go assist Kanda, I get that. But could you please be more clear on what exactly he needs the assistance for?"
Komui's smile widens alarmingly, but Lenalee's soft voice cuts off whatever he was about to say. "Kanda needs our help-" Allen barely contains the urge to grin smugly, "-getting out of a book."
...
“Is it silly of me to still hope you don’t mean that literally?”
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Half a month earlier, Kanda had been sent out with orders to retrieve an Innocence fragment that had been found, surprise of all surprises, in a deep cave somewhere off in the countryside of Switzerland. The Finders had spotted a rise in the number of violent deaths in nearby villages, and when indeed news of a gathering of akuma in the area had been confirmed, an Exorcist had been immediately sent for.
Having been forced to live nearly constantly annoyed during the three long months he'd been forced to stay in HQ, Kanda is happy to receive the mission. Three months of the rabbit's nearly constant whining and prodding, Lenalee's sighs of disappointment, and that absolutely insufferable beansprout... not to mention the crazy lunatic in charge's weird dalliances in robotics... actually, Kanda receives the news of the mission like a God-given gift sent directly from Heaven, and fierce atheist he might be, the thought of praying in thanks does flash briefly through his mind.
The trip to the place goes well, the annihilation of the akuma in the area and inside the cave goes well, even finding the Innocence goes well. Kanda's golem becomes a collateral, but hey, there's always casualties in war. The Finders who stayed behind have their own, anyway. All in all, everything is still going smashingly well.
But then Kanda touches the book - that is glowing faintly green - and suddenly he's on a strange road. He's out in the open air, too (the sky is a ridiculous shade of vibrant blue). There's a green field covered in flowers all around, bright colours everywhere. And what looks like a scarecrow is suddenly moving towards him through the sea of flowers and yelling, "Dorothy!"
And then he tackle-hugs Kanda.
What. The. Fuck.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
The first day turns out to be not so brilliant for the rescuers of Kanda (though no one will dare call it a rescue, even if that's what it is, because if Kanda ever hears about it someone will be gutted, and no one wants to be that unfortunate person).
"I can't believe you didn't see that akuma coming."
"I was distracted, okay? With that level 2 with the… scissor things. Not everyone has 360º vision like you, Allen!"
"You didn't need 360º vision to see that one. You just could have not been staring at the other akuma's.... chest."
That just makes a shameless leer spread itself across Lavi's features. "Speaking of which, did you see? Those two absolutely..." Lavi gestures in front of his own chest with open, slightly flexing palms, like one holding two ripe melons. "...Just like two big, ripe-"
Allen visibly pales at that and looks away, quickening his steps. "It was an akuma, Lavi," he hisses over his shoulder. "A metal skeleton wearing the skin of someone's corpse."
Lavi scowls in dismay as he feels his slight giddyness subside. "Aw, way to go, you instant killjoy, Allen. Sheesh."
"You call me a killjoy? I wasn't even done eating, Lavi, and you had to go and let an akuma blow up our lunch and the train. Along with all of our supplies. Every. Last. One." this is said with the utmost contempt only a spurned lover of food could achieve, and it is all directed at Lavi, who has the grace to look a little embarrassed.
It was not every day that one heard such a tone from Allen, so it made him feel a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. Allen was clearly very angry, and that didn't sit right with Lavi at all.
"Look, wait, c'mon. Don't be so mad at me, we can work something out. Allen, look..." he pauses for a second, wracking his brain for an idea. "Next village we stop at, Imma buy the stuff myself and cook for you, you'll see." Not exactly what he'd been hoping he'd come out with, but it would do.
But that doesn't get the reaction Lavi had wanted. "I don't want you to do that. I'd be happy if you'd just pay attention to what you’re doing." Allen tells him quite calmly.
Lavi sees right through him and can't help but pout a little. "You mean you'd rather starve than eat something I cooked."
Allen's eyebrow twitches minutely, and Timcanpy settles on his right shoulder and curls his tail around his neck in a comforting gesture. He sighs and admits, "I'd rather starve than die of food poisoning. The corruption of good food offends my deepest morals."
"My cooking isn't that bad."
"Cross' always is. And you two look far too much alike for my own peace of mind."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda isn't sure how it ended up like this, but he tries to face it as stoically as he can.
"Seriously," the annoying thing with the wings and the diapers and the golden bow asks again, gesturing towards the bull/monkey/lion hybrid. "You sure? Not a bit of attraction? Not even a little?"
As Kanda just glares at them both with growing outrage, it seems to become even more frenetic. "You must feel something!"
Kanda blinks at it, face emotionless. Then he simply turns away and starts walking, ignoring the enraged shrieks and desperate braying he can hear from behind him. Soon enough the road takes a turn to the left and into a forest and the trees hide him from view.
The moment he passes the first trees, the bright sunlight recedes and he's walking in mostly darkness. Then the next thing Kanda knows, he's on the ground, nose mashed painfully against a rock, and there's something tugging at his feet. He looks over his shoulder to find a yellow-orange cat standing on its two hind legs and trying to take Kanda's left boot from his foot.
The cat must have sensed Kanda's dark eyes on him, because it looked up from the boot it was trying to steal and smiled widely, all teeth. "Um. Hi?"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
The villagers are anything but helpful. They can't tell them exactly when the killings began, most haven't seen akuma themselves and are just making up things to seem important in the eyes of the neighbours. And pretty much everyone only knows rumours that have gone around at least thrice and have been severely altered since then. Some people have seen Kanda, or think they have, but very few know exactly what his purpose in the area was or what kind of information he gathered before leaving to the cave.
At last, after an unfortunate encounter with a baker and her cookies (don’t ask), they hear of a certain innkeeper that might have actual information.
"We've been told you might help us..." Allen begins, polite. "We'd like to know if you saw a colleague of ours - long black hair, pretty, has a bad attitude..."
The innkeeper's face, so far a little thoughtful, lights up a little. "Oh! Aye, aye, boy, saw a lass with clothes like yous', not two weeks ago! Pretty, aye, but coulda used some honey ta sweeten' tha mouth o' hers, th'lass."
Lass, the man says. Lavi's smile seems slightly deranged, so Allen elbows his side sharply. But he's sporting a fairly odd grin himself, so it has no effect on the redhead. They proceed with their talk with the innkeeper, who continues referring to Kanda in memorable sentences such as "real pretty a lass, aye? Should find a real good husband, tha' one."
Helpful the villagers might not be, but the entertainment factor is certainly a plus.
Kanda must never, ever, find out about this, Allen thinks, and tells Timcanpy to delete the recording of that particular talk.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a guy trying to fit his naked foot (the cat did run away with the boot in the end) into what seems to be a piece of glass in the form of a girl's shoe, and Kanda simply isn't having any more of this shit.
"I don't CARE how pretty she was," he growls menacingly, Mugen right under the little twat's nose. "I wasn't there. I don't know you, or whoever sent you. I'm a MAN." The last part comes out a little more sharply than strictly necessary because, well. That fact seems to need a little reasserting lately.
"All maidens, His Highness said," the stupid servant with no survival instincts insists stubbornly.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Allen finally gives up on getting any useful information three days after they got there.
He has to fight to not let Lavi's smug grin affect him. Just because Lavi had predicted early on (after the third person they talked to stared at them vaguely and gave them absolutely nothing helpful) that it would be useless to keep looking for information, it didn't mean he had to be so smug about it. Really.
So he watched as Lavi pocketed the money they had left before leaving in search of a guide who would lead them to the cave.
"Try not to give too many details so you don’t scare anyone. We don't need to have the whole village in a panic." Allen warns, for what he feels like is the fiftieth time. Lavi's airy attitude really isn't reassuring, but someone has to get them rooms and food for tonight and Allen is really hungry.
"Yeah, yeah." He pats Allen's head fondly. "And I might take a while, but don't eat the inn. It's not gingerbread."
Allen smiles sweetly and looks up at Lavi like he'd enjoy punching the living daylights out of him. "Did you say something, Lavi? I don't think I heard you well."
"No. No. I didn't say anything."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda wakes up to find out his hair grew to be four or five times the length of a nicely sized pony. This he discovers when he tries to sit up and the weight of his own hair, draped all over and around himself, makes him fall back on the bed.
The fact that his uniform now seems to be a rather nicely cut dress does not help matters. So when he's busy getting rid of all the excess hair using Mugen, and some guy outside starts yelling poetry at him (something about his hair and love and happily ever fucking after) Kanda feels perfectly justified in charging out the window and nearly killing the guy by landing squarely on top of him.
"You had it coming, asswipe." Kanda says smugly down at him.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"A cave." the boy says, hesitant.
"No, the cave." Lavi replies.
"The cave?" the servant boy's eyes widen.
"The cave." Lavi repeats with a nod. "And as quickly as possible." Then he adds for good measure, "We’ll pay really well."
This seems to sway the boy's opinion, who leans back in his seat and swirls the spoon in his soup thoughtfully. He steals a brief glance up at Lavi through dark eyelashes and lowers his gaze back to the food, then leans in conspiratorially. Obligingly, Lavi leans forward. "Look," the boy says, "I don't really get what your fancy is, but I usually don't do couples. I might give it a shot, but only if the other's a guy too. And you better pay really well."
Lavi leans back slowly, like he didn't just realize who exactly he'd been talking to and what said person was thinking. He knew he should have been more suspicious of the hostess' knowing look and smile when he'd asked for 'someone discrete, who can come with us to this really shady, far away cave. Before you ask, our purposes are our own'.
Looking at the rather short shorts and tight button down shirt the boy is wearing in a whole new light, Lavi feels positively eloquent now. "Um." He begins.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a river, and there are crocodiles. On the other shore, there's a lunatic. Said lunatic apparently thinks Kanda and he are related and currently having a fight about.. something. So he's yelling at Kanda to cut off his own privates so as to prove he'd been telling the truth. Truth about what, Kanda has no idea. His would-be-relative is apparently a firm believer that unmanning oneself is a heavy argument in a discussion. However that works.
Kanda has half a mind to go there and help the guy do it to himself to see how he likes it, when there's a puff of smoke by his face and something comes buzzing out of it to end up shooting right into Kanda's mouth.
"Heeeeeeey~" the tiny thing with wings drawls, lovingly hugging one of Kanda's many shiny teeth. "Three teeth, me love you long time..."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Lavi is a little more cautious - and tries hard to seem less suspicious - when looking for a guide after that.
They end up paying a quarter of the money they have left to an old retired shepherd so he'll take them to the cave, and hope against hope that the man won't take his dying breath halfway there. He and his ridiculously long beard seem older than Time itself. He's a scrawny little thing, all wrinkles, the wisps of white hair on his balding head ruffled in the wind as he climbs the rocks ahead of the two Exorcists, very slowly but sure and steady. Lavi firmly believes half of the strength with which their guide moves is pure stubbornness.
According to Mr. Hlasek, that is the old guide's name, they will take a few days to reach their destination, so they've taken some supplies with them. Since he never got to cook for Allen, every day Lavi settles next to him and silently offers him a good half of his share.
"Aren't you hungry?" Allen asks on the second day even as he takes the dry meat gratefully.
"The Panda has some interesting opinions on learning experiences," Lavi says with an easy shrug. "I've learned to deal with eating little."
Allen raises an eyebrow. "He starved you?" he asks half disbelievingly around his mouthful of meat.
Lavi raises an eyebrow back. "I've learned to deal with eating little," he replies, "because the Panda can't cook for shit."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a man with a strange hat telling Kanda to rub a lamp in what seems to be a rather lusty tone and Kanda's not really sure which circle of hell applies to this. He wonders if there's more beyond the seventh.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They contemplate the thought in silence, the crackling of the campfire and Allen's chewing the only sounds in the night. Then Mr. Hlasek snores loudly from the other side of the fire, and Lavi snorts. "Seems like we don't have to worry so much about that one."
"Yes." Allen agrees softly. His shoulders seem to slump a little, and Lavi thinks he sees something flash through the gray eyes.
Considering that Allen’s line of thinking tends to be pretty much the same in most situations, Lavi doesn’t have any problems guessing what caused the abrupt change of demeanor.
"Hey," the redhead tries, a little awkwardly, "You know he's fine, right? He's Kanda, after all. That's one hard bastard to kill."
"I wasn't worried about him." Allen snaps immediately. Noticing he'd been staring at the fire instead of eating, he angrily takes another bite and starts chewing furiously, avoiding Lavi's eyes.
"I know." Lavi tries to hide a sudden spark of amusement, and it seems to work for Allen's expression doesn't sour further. "I'm just sayin', we'll be there soon, yeah? We'll help and then we'll all be back home in no time."
There's a grumble of some sort from Allen's general direction. Lavi takes it as some form of agreement and smiles brightly. "Besides, I'm sure you haven't missed Kanda's dastardly ways at all."
A mutter that sounds a lot like "damn right" or something similar.
"Or the way you two argue."
More grudging but vaguely agreeing mutters, and then, "No. He's a bastard. No missing that."
Lavi goes on, smile widening. "And you definitely haven't missed your fights. They're vicious."
"Vicious." Allen repeats aprovingly in between bites, frowning at the fire like he's seeing Kanda's face there.
"And his rudeness! It's almost unbelievable how rude he is! Terribly rude, our Yuu boy."
"Extremely rude." Allen nods, scowling at nothing as he continues eating.
"So you definitely haven't missed him. Not even his face. Even if it is pretty."
"Very pretty." Allen concurs.
"And his ass. That ass."
"Hmmm." Allen hums agreeably, staring at the fire.
There's a moment of silence, and then-
"Wait- WHAT?"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"If you say one word about me having to fall in love with you," Kanda growls, "I'm going to stab you, roast you, and have you for dinner."
The beetle seems to consider that briefly. "I don't think I'd be very tasty."
Kanda grunts in agreement. "I'm not giving you my firstborn either."
"Dammit." the tiny creature swears.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They reach the entry of the cave on the early afternoon of the third day. Allen's still grumbling a little about their having to skip lunch in order to reach the cave as soon as possible, so it's up to Lavi to pay their guide - who despite his fragile looks, turned out to have as much stamina as both of them, and they're Exorcists. It was enough to humble anyone - and after they both say their farewells to the kindly old man, they start preparing their slow descent down the cave.
"You go first." Allen says as they wind the ropes around a boulder outside the entry. "I don't want someone falling on me again and having to keep us both from falling. With my fingernails. Once was enough."
Lavi looked at him oddly. "Sounds like quite the tale. Care t'tell?"
"Trust me, Lavi," Allen says with a stormy expression, "You don't want to know."
"I'm the Bookman apprentice," the redhead points out. "I always want to know."
"I know that, Lavi. But that's just what people say when they don't want to tell you."
"I'm telling your boyfriend you were mean to me."
"Kanda's not my boyfriend!" Allen splutters, going slightly red - with rage or embarrassment, it's hard to tell.
"Oh?" Lavi smirks. "I never said anything about Kanda being your boyfriend."
Allen's eyes widen significantly and he goes a delightful shade of red before it all disappears behind his poker mask. "He wouldn’t care anyway." He says calmly as can be, and it's ridiculous how obvious it is that he's trying to change topic as quickly as possible.
Lavi feels generous enough to let him, for once.
And anyway, he's right at that, Allen is. "You have a point," Lavi nods thoughtfully. "...So I'm telling Lena."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There are seven little men following Kanda. There are seven little worshipful men following Kanda, and what seems like an entire escaped zoo of woodland creatures not very far behind them. They do not move when Kanda stomps towards them, do not tremble when he starts yelling, and don't even try to run when he threatens them with Mugen.
Something hits his head with a loud noise and he barely manages to catch the shiny red apple before it reaches the ground. There's an old woman with a black cloak and a scary nose scowling at him.
"You. EAT THAT."
"Like hell I will." Kanda glares.
The old crow looks annoyed. "Look, I have places to be, things to do, so quit the bitchfest and bite the damn apple, princess. It will make the annoying little men go away."
Why are these people never that clear the first time?
"Fuck you, give it here already." Kanda snaps at the closest dwarf, who is holding the apple in his hands and looking at it like it is the Bhudda.
The apple's skin gives way sweetly under his teeth and delicious juice floods his mouth almost immediately, and Kanda has only a moment to think "fuck, but those little fuckers are annoying" before everything goes black and he knows no more.
When Kanda next opens his eyes, the snake coiled around him on the bed smiles with delight.
"Like Hell I'm kissing you."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They stumble in the dark, nearly fall to their deaths more times than they can count, and in between curses (mostly Lavi) and not-so-encouraging encouragements (definitely Allen) they somehow make it to a more tunnel-like part of the cave that is horizontal enough for them to walk rather than climb it down.
Not that they trip and stumble and fall all over themselves any less, however.
"Well, this is embarrassing," Lavi mutters with his mouth full of dust, face down on the cave floor.
"Quite." Allen agrees, stuck in some awkward position underneath the redhead. Timcanpy flutters happily above them, making a fine impression of amusement for one without a face.
Lavi is forcing his arms up and below him in an effort to get up when his hand brushes something that feels- soft. He reaches out to touch it again, smooth it over with his hand, then grab it. "Tim?" he calls, and the golem immediately approaches, directing its tiny flashlight towards Lavi's hands.
Allen has sorted his limbs out by then, and peers over Lavi's shoulder. They both look at the white cloth for a few moments.
"Well," Allen says, "At least now we know we're going in the right direction."
"Well," Lavi says, “Now we know what happened to the Finders."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda pricks his finger on a spindle. He's almost not surprised when he immediately falls asleep.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
It has been five or so hours after they went into the cave, and Allen is fighting off a headache. He's tired, hungry, and covered in bruises. Lavi isn't much better. But there's little choice to it, so Allen keeps in mind the exact shade of Kanda's hair and the million insults he's going to throw at him when he gets to him, and they keep on going.
His headache has almost reached an unbearable point when the hidden akuma finally decide to stop playing and attack. Lavi is off to the right, something having caught his attention.
"Lavi, I swear, if this place caves in on us because you were too busy staring at some akuma's chest instead of paying attention to the one with the bombs, so help me-"
"Oh, a book!"
Then everything goes green-
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Next thing Kanda knows, there's something warm shifting all along his back, and pressure around his stomach and arms. There's also a burning breath puffing on the skin of his shoulder and at the back of his neck, and excited yells coming from somewhere below.
Then Kanda opens his eyes, and realizes three things:
One, the rabbit and the beansprout are here. For fuck's sake, his life couldn't get any worse.
Two, he's being held in the "hand" of a huge lizard thing with teeth like daggers and the ability to breathe fucking fire.
Three - he's wearing a dress. He's wearing a deep green dress, with lace and embroidery along the sleeves.
Kanda half wants to kill himself.
And then Lavi shouts over the dragon's roar, "LOOKIN' GOOD, YUU!"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Allen has seen quite a few things in his time with Cross Marian (shudder) and the Order, but he's willing to bet- nothing quite so spectacular as this.
The scenery is different. Another cave, but a large one, and its ceiling is so high it disappears in the darkness. It isn't quite so dark, either. There's a faint red light illuminating everything, coming mostly from the edges of the floor near the walls. Lavi's pale face as he takes in those details tells him this is not good, but Allen is too busy with one tiny other detail to worry too much about that.
There's a living, breathing, actual dragon in front of them, shocking in its hugeness, wisps of fire coming out of its flaring nostrils as it glares at the akuma buzzing in the air around it. But that's not it.
The dragon is holding Kanda in its hand. And Kanda? Well. Kanda is wearing a dress.
Allen stares. Stares, and tries to store the image in his mind to be revisited later (for perfectly decent reasons, mind you. Get out of the gutter, you despicable person, you).
And then he and Lavi start laughing their asses off, pointing and crying with mirth. They laugh even as Kanda gets free of the dragon's hold, rips the side of the skirt for easier movement, and starts chopping off dragon fingers and meddling akumas.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
When the useless idiots stop yelling and laughing at last and start making themselves useful, Kanda grits his teeth and tries to concentrate on finally handing out a killing blow. However, the dragon is huge but surprisingly agile, not to mention the hard as stone scales. Kanda can only barely nick it here and there in between avoiding bursts of fire. He's been singed twice already, and the hems of his dre- of his clothes are still smoking.
From the corner of his eye, he sees the rabbit preparing himself to bring down his hammer, which has grown to almost twice the size of a house, from behind the dragon. The huge flying lizard is on all fours and too busy trying to catch the beansprout. Kanda jumps and runs up the dragon's foreleg, dragging Mugen's sharp tip along the way, in an effort to bring the huge scaly things's attention to the front.
A gigantic clawed hand is descending on Kanda's head, who grits his teeth and holds his ground, stubbornly refusing to let some stupid lizard get one over him, never mind that he's in a fucking dress, when he notices something.
There's a round, bright-pink woman with a strange hat in the same color hovering in the air a little above Kanda.
"I," she says, with all the dignity one can muster when hanging a little awkwardly mid hair, "am your Fairy Godmother."
"Fuck me." Kanda blurts out, not faltering in his defense with Mugen despite his surprise.
"And you, missy," she continues, voice ringing with stern disapproval, "you are a terrible, terrible lady in distress."
Kanda can hear Lavi nearly choke to death as the Fire Seal goes out with a pathetic coughing sound instead of being released on the dragon. The lunatic in pink waves a stick at Kanda with a sniff of disapproval.
He blinks, and he's surrounded by magical rope, tied down to the dragon's neck and unable to move a single finger. In between spitting the foulest curses he can think of, Kanda wonders how this is his life.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"Boy," a stern voice comes somewhere from above and behind Allen. "Must you be so slow? The princess is awaiting rescue!"
Feeling slightly confused, Allen looks over his shoulder as he finishes the akuma he'd been fighting. "Um. I'm going as fast as I can?" he tries, but there's already another akuma heading his way.
A loud sniff of disapproval (somehow) makes itself heard over the booming akuma cannons. "Princes nowadays," the lady in pink seated on the flying broomstick says, "all so lacking. No decent ones. None whatsoever."
"Wha-what do you expect me to do?!" Allen yells in frustration as he narrowly avoids being beheaded by a gigantic claw.
"Why, to stop dilly-dallying about and go rescue the princess immediately, of course," the pink lady calmly sips her tea. "And be chivalrous."
Allen decides to just focus on the important part of that. "Princes- what princess-" and then it hits him. He looks up, and there Kanda is, in his pretty green dress, tied to the dragon's neck and yelling incoherent blasphemies.
Allen only stops his laughing and rolling on the cave's floor when the dragon almost steps on him. And even after that he's still snickering softly despite the glares the pink lady keeps throwing at him.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Anyway, that is how the whole thing ends in an epic fashion. After a rather daring rescue on Allen's part, that involved using Lavi and Tim as decoys and using Clown Belt to climb up to the dragon's neck while avoiding fire, claws and teeth. And then getting a murderous, immobile Kanda out of his ropes and back down (possibly the most dangerous part of it all) and away from the scaly beast.
All this under the approving gaze of a Fairy Godmother that watched the whole thing while sitting in a newly conjured armchair floating in the air, at a safe distance, while sipping tea. She disappeared as soon as it was over, satisfied that her charge had gotten decently saved like a proper princess, as another explosion of green light transported the Exorcists back to the original cave.
Afterwards, Kanda looks tremendously, royally pissed off, and Lavi and Allen find themselves almost (ALMOST!) trembling with fear before a blood-covered and tattered-dress-wearing Kanda the way they didn't before a living, fire breathing dragon.
Kanda's scowl deepens and the other two nearly whimper. "What," Kanda hisses, "the fucking. Hell."
Allen is the first to recover his usual cold blood in the face of Kanda's bitchiness, and quickly snaps back. "Why, hello to you too. How about a ‘thank you’ now?"
"Shut it, beansprout, you fucking useless waste of skin, I have no ti-"
"Oh? But you had time to need saving?"
"Aw, young bickering love." Lavi sighs "Just like old times. I missed this."
"SHUT IT, LAVI!"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Lavi's still snickering softly to himself much, much later, when they've left the cave and are camping behind the first line of trees of the nearest forest.
"So you got stuck.... inside a bunch of fairy tales? For half a month?"
Kanda scowls and determinedly slurps his hot tea, but doesn't deny it. Next to him, Allen is staring thoughtfully at the fire, but there are hints of a small smile curling his mouth a little.
Lavi refrains from making a comment on how remarkably close to each other the two are sitting. Mostly because they're not so much sitting close as plastered to the other's side. Allen's sporting a rather impressive black eye for arguing with Kanda about how he'd "saved" him. Lavi doesn't want an equal dose, and besides, neither is protesting against the other's proximity, so he'll let them be.
"And exactly what kind of fairy tales were those?"
"Annoying ones," Kanda says at last.
"Your eloquence," Allen mutters with a roll of his eyes, "it slays me."
"Shut it, bean," Kanda says without heat, "I’ve got no patience to deal with your bullshit."
Lavi chuckles lowly. "Well, you better get it back soon," he yawns a little and lies down on his blankets, getting them over himself and curling up.
Kanda glares at him questioningly (a feat only Kanda can achieve) but it's Allen who asks the question. "Why?" he says curiously, tilting his snowy white head to the side, gray eyes dancing with the reflection of the flickering flames.
Lavi's smile spreads slow and mischievous across his face. "Well. 'Cause I've got our fight all recorded, and it'll be spreading faster than fire as soon as we get home?"
Kanda reaches for Mugen.
Allen manages to get out, while trying to breathe in between bouts of laughter, "You amazing bastard, Lavi."
the END
Beta-reader: blobbyeyes/Kay, who is epically awesome *HUGS*
Notes: Inspired by a Naruto fic I read long ago but can't find anymore (but I read it, like, 50 times, maybe more. So if some parts sound similar to you, you must have read it too, and you're witnessing my unconscious memory at work). So yeah, not at all my concept, this one. This is a Christmas/holidays/new year/thank you for being awesome fic present to eeeeeeeeevvveryone, though there'll be more (if late), so this one is a little more intended for riot_of_flowers, as a belated birthday present as well? ^^; I'm so lame. Hope you like.
(even if it's veeeeryyyy laaate)
"Just one tiny little kiss." the toad begs, puckering its lips.
"No way in fucking hell." Kanda hisses.
The toad tries to go for a sexy approach and licks its lips with a long, pink tongue instead, focusing all its soul into being enticing, shooting 'come hither' looks with its vomit-green eyes. Kanda turned a very interesting shade of purple.
"Look, look, it changes colors! How curious, how curious!" the gossiping flowers around them chatter happily.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"Please tell me," Allen says slowly, "your brother has been in Jeryy's ale again."
Lavi snorts into his book from across the room, where he's sprawling on the uncomfortable little couch the Supervisor usually takes naps on.
Lenalee cocks her head to the side, her pleasant smile unwavering. Allen finds himself straightening his back and Lavi's shoulders seem to become the tiniest bit stiffer at that.
Sitting on his big chair next to his sister, Komui just smiles ridiculously wide, not unlike someone recently escaped from a high security asylum. "Why, Allen, you almost sound like you don't trust me!" he croos good naturedly, his glasses sporting a wicked gleam.
"Certainly not, Mr. Komui." Allen deflects politely, smoothing down the fabric of his cuffs. "Merely making sure there are no misunderstandings between us, that's all."
A little cough comes from Lavi's side of the room, but is quickly smothered when Allen turns his brilliant smile in that direction.
"So, about this mission," Lavi speaks up for the first time since they entered the office, putting his book aside for a moment with a finger marking the page. "We have to go assist Kanda, I get that. But could you please be more clear on what exactly he needs the assistance for?"
Komui's smile widens alarmingly, but Lenalee's soft voice cuts off whatever he was about to say. "Kanda needs our help-" Allen barely contains the urge to grin smugly, "-getting out of a book."
...
“Is it silly of me to still hope you don’t mean that literally?”
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Half a month earlier, Kanda had been sent out with orders to retrieve an Innocence fragment that had been found, surprise of all surprises, in a deep cave somewhere off in the countryside of Switzerland. The Finders had spotted a rise in the number of violent deaths in nearby villages, and when indeed news of a gathering of akuma in the area had been confirmed, an Exorcist had been immediately sent for.
Having been forced to live nearly constantly annoyed during the three long months he'd been forced to stay in HQ, Kanda is happy to receive the mission. Three months of the rabbit's nearly constant whining and prodding, Lenalee's sighs of disappointment, and that absolutely insufferable beansprout... not to mention the crazy lunatic in charge's weird dalliances in robotics... actually, Kanda receives the news of the mission like a God-given gift sent directly from Heaven, and fierce atheist he might be, the thought of praying in thanks does flash briefly through his mind.
The trip to the place goes well, the annihilation of the akuma in the area and inside the cave goes well, even finding the Innocence goes well. Kanda's golem becomes a collateral, but hey, there's always casualties in war. The Finders who stayed behind have their own, anyway. All in all, everything is still going smashingly well.
But then Kanda touches the book - that is glowing faintly green - and suddenly he's on a strange road. He's out in the open air, too (the sky is a ridiculous shade of vibrant blue). There's a green field covered in flowers all around, bright colours everywhere. And what looks like a scarecrow is suddenly moving towards him through the sea of flowers and yelling, "Dorothy!"
And then he tackle-hugs Kanda.
What. The. Fuck.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
The first day turns out to be not so brilliant for the rescuers of Kanda (though no one will dare call it a rescue, even if that's what it is, because if Kanda ever hears about it someone will be gutted, and no one wants to be that unfortunate person).
"I can't believe you didn't see that akuma coming."
"I was distracted, okay? With that level 2 with the… scissor things. Not everyone has 360º vision like you, Allen!"
"You didn't need 360º vision to see that one. You just could have not been staring at the other akuma's.... chest."
That just makes a shameless leer spread itself across Lavi's features. "Speaking of which, did you see? Those two absolutely..." Lavi gestures in front of his own chest with open, slightly flexing palms, like one holding two ripe melons. "...Just like two big, ripe-"
Allen visibly pales at that and looks away, quickening his steps. "It was an akuma, Lavi," he hisses over his shoulder. "A metal skeleton wearing the skin of someone's corpse."
Lavi scowls in dismay as he feels his slight giddyness subside. "Aw, way to go, you instant killjoy, Allen. Sheesh."
"You call me a killjoy? I wasn't even done eating, Lavi, and you had to go and let an akuma blow up our lunch and the train. Along with all of our supplies. Every. Last. One." this is said with the utmost contempt only a spurned lover of food could achieve, and it is all directed at Lavi, who has the grace to look a little embarrassed.
It was not every day that one heard such a tone from Allen, so it made him feel a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. Allen was clearly very angry, and that didn't sit right with Lavi at all.
"Look, wait, c'mon. Don't be so mad at me, we can work something out. Allen, look..." he pauses for a second, wracking his brain for an idea. "Next village we stop at, Imma buy the stuff myself and cook for you, you'll see." Not exactly what he'd been hoping he'd come out with, but it would do.
But that doesn't get the reaction Lavi had wanted. "I don't want you to do that. I'd be happy if you'd just pay attention to what you’re doing." Allen tells him quite calmly.
Lavi sees right through him and can't help but pout a little. "You mean you'd rather starve than eat something I cooked."
Allen's eyebrow twitches minutely, and Timcanpy settles on his right shoulder and curls his tail around his neck in a comforting gesture. He sighs and admits, "I'd rather starve than die of food poisoning. The corruption of good food offends my deepest morals."
"My cooking isn't that bad."
"Cross' always is. And you two look far too much alike for my own peace of mind."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda isn't sure how it ended up like this, but he tries to face it as stoically as he can.
"Seriously," the annoying thing with the wings and the diapers and the golden bow asks again, gesturing towards the bull/monkey/lion hybrid. "You sure? Not a bit of attraction? Not even a little?"
As Kanda just glares at them both with growing outrage, it seems to become even more frenetic. "You must feel something!"
Kanda blinks at it, face emotionless. Then he simply turns away and starts walking, ignoring the enraged shrieks and desperate braying he can hear from behind him. Soon enough the road takes a turn to the left and into a forest and the trees hide him from view.
The moment he passes the first trees, the bright sunlight recedes and he's walking in mostly darkness. Then the next thing Kanda knows, he's on the ground, nose mashed painfully against a rock, and there's something tugging at his feet. He looks over his shoulder to find a yellow-orange cat standing on its two hind legs and trying to take Kanda's left boot from his foot.
The cat must have sensed Kanda's dark eyes on him, because it looked up from the boot it was trying to steal and smiled widely, all teeth. "Um. Hi?"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
The villagers are anything but helpful. They can't tell them exactly when the killings began, most haven't seen akuma themselves and are just making up things to seem important in the eyes of the neighbours. And pretty much everyone only knows rumours that have gone around at least thrice and have been severely altered since then. Some people have seen Kanda, or think they have, but very few know exactly what his purpose in the area was or what kind of information he gathered before leaving to the cave.
At last, after an unfortunate encounter with a baker and her cookies (don’t ask), they hear of a certain innkeeper that might have actual information.
"We've been told you might help us..." Allen begins, polite. "We'd like to know if you saw a colleague of ours - long black hair, pretty, has a bad attitude..."
The innkeeper's face, so far a little thoughtful, lights up a little. "Oh! Aye, aye, boy, saw a lass with clothes like yous', not two weeks ago! Pretty, aye, but coulda used some honey ta sweeten' tha mouth o' hers, th'lass."
Lass, the man says. Lavi's smile seems slightly deranged, so Allen elbows his side sharply. But he's sporting a fairly odd grin himself, so it has no effect on the redhead. They proceed with their talk with the innkeeper, who continues referring to Kanda in memorable sentences such as "real pretty a lass, aye? Should find a real good husband, tha' one."
Helpful the villagers might not be, but the entertainment factor is certainly a plus.
Kanda must never, ever, find out about this, Allen thinks, and tells Timcanpy to delete the recording of that particular talk.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a guy trying to fit his naked foot (the cat did run away with the boot in the end) into what seems to be a piece of glass in the form of a girl's shoe, and Kanda simply isn't having any more of this shit.
"I don't CARE how pretty she was," he growls menacingly, Mugen right under the little twat's nose. "I wasn't there. I don't know you, or whoever sent you. I'm a MAN." The last part comes out a little more sharply than strictly necessary because, well. That fact seems to need a little reasserting lately.
"All maidens, His Highness said," the stupid servant with no survival instincts insists stubbornly.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Allen finally gives up on getting any useful information three days after they got there.
He has to fight to not let Lavi's smug grin affect him. Just because Lavi had predicted early on (after the third person they talked to stared at them vaguely and gave them absolutely nothing helpful) that it would be useless to keep looking for information, it didn't mean he had to be so smug about it. Really.
So he watched as Lavi pocketed the money they had left before leaving in search of a guide who would lead them to the cave.
"Try not to give too many details so you don’t scare anyone. We don't need to have the whole village in a panic." Allen warns, for what he feels like is the fiftieth time. Lavi's airy attitude really isn't reassuring, but someone has to get them rooms and food for tonight and Allen is really hungry.
"Yeah, yeah." He pats Allen's head fondly. "And I might take a while, but don't eat the inn. It's not gingerbread."
Allen smiles sweetly and looks up at Lavi like he'd enjoy punching the living daylights out of him. "Did you say something, Lavi? I don't think I heard you well."
"No. No. I didn't say anything."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda wakes up to find out his hair grew to be four or five times the length of a nicely sized pony. This he discovers when he tries to sit up and the weight of his own hair, draped all over and around himself, makes him fall back on the bed.
The fact that his uniform now seems to be a rather nicely cut dress does not help matters. So when he's busy getting rid of all the excess hair using Mugen, and some guy outside starts yelling poetry at him (something about his hair and love and happily ever fucking after) Kanda feels perfectly justified in charging out the window and nearly killing the guy by landing squarely on top of him.
"You had it coming, asswipe." Kanda says smugly down at him.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"A cave." the boy says, hesitant.
"No, the cave." Lavi replies.
"The cave?" the servant boy's eyes widen.
"The cave." Lavi repeats with a nod. "And as quickly as possible." Then he adds for good measure, "We’ll pay really well."
This seems to sway the boy's opinion, who leans back in his seat and swirls the spoon in his soup thoughtfully. He steals a brief glance up at Lavi through dark eyelashes and lowers his gaze back to the food, then leans in conspiratorially. Obligingly, Lavi leans forward. "Look," the boy says, "I don't really get what your fancy is, but I usually don't do couples. I might give it a shot, but only if the other's a guy too. And you better pay really well."
Lavi leans back slowly, like he didn't just realize who exactly he'd been talking to and what said person was thinking. He knew he should have been more suspicious of the hostess' knowing look and smile when he'd asked for 'someone discrete, who can come with us to this really shady, far away cave. Before you ask, our purposes are our own'.
Looking at the rather short shorts and tight button down shirt the boy is wearing in a whole new light, Lavi feels positively eloquent now. "Um." He begins.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a river, and there are crocodiles. On the other shore, there's a lunatic. Said lunatic apparently thinks Kanda and he are related and currently having a fight about.. something. So he's yelling at Kanda to cut off his own privates so as to prove he'd been telling the truth. Truth about what, Kanda has no idea. His would-be-relative is apparently a firm believer that unmanning oneself is a heavy argument in a discussion. However that works.
Kanda has half a mind to go there and help the guy do it to himself to see how he likes it, when there's a puff of smoke by his face and something comes buzzing out of it to end up shooting right into Kanda's mouth.
"Heeeeeeey~" the tiny thing with wings drawls, lovingly hugging one of Kanda's many shiny teeth. "Three teeth, me love you long time..."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Lavi is a little more cautious - and tries hard to seem less suspicious - when looking for a guide after that.
They end up paying a quarter of the money they have left to an old retired shepherd so he'll take them to the cave, and hope against hope that the man won't take his dying breath halfway there. He and his ridiculously long beard seem older than Time itself. He's a scrawny little thing, all wrinkles, the wisps of white hair on his balding head ruffled in the wind as he climbs the rocks ahead of the two Exorcists, very slowly but sure and steady. Lavi firmly believes half of the strength with which their guide moves is pure stubbornness.
According to Mr. Hlasek, that is the old guide's name, they will take a few days to reach their destination, so they've taken some supplies with them. Since he never got to cook for Allen, every day Lavi settles next to him and silently offers him a good half of his share.
"Aren't you hungry?" Allen asks on the second day even as he takes the dry meat gratefully.
"The Panda has some interesting opinions on learning experiences," Lavi says with an easy shrug. "I've learned to deal with eating little."
Allen raises an eyebrow. "He starved you?" he asks half disbelievingly around his mouthful of meat.
Lavi raises an eyebrow back. "I've learned to deal with eating little," he replies, "because the Panda can't cook for shit."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There's a man with a strange hat telling Kanda to rub a lamp in what seems to be a rather lusty tone and Kanda's not really sure which circle of hell applies to this. He wonders if there's more beyond the seventh.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They contemplate the thought in silence, the crackling of the campfire and Allen's chewing the only sounds in the night. Then Mr. Hlasek snores loudly from the other side of the fire, and Lavi snorts. "Seems like we don't have to worry so much about that one."
"Yes." Allen agrees softly. His shoulders seem to slump a little, and Lavi thinks he sees something flash through the gray eyes.
Considering that Allen’s line of thinking tends to be pretty much the same in most situations, Lavi doesn’t have any problems guessing what caused the abrupt change of demeanor.
"Hey," the redhead tries, a little awkwardly, "You know he's fine, right? He's Kanda, after all. That's one hard bastard to kill."
"I wasn't worried about him." Allen snaps immediately. Noticing he'd been staring at the fire instead of eating, he angrily takes another bite and starts chewing furiously, avoiding Lavi's eyes.
"I know." Lavi tries to hide a sudden spark of amusement, and it seems to work for Allen's expression doesn't sour further. "I'm just sayin', we'll be there soon, yeah? We'll help and then we'll all be back home in no time."
There's a grumble of some sort from Allen's general direction. Lavi takes it as some form of agreement and smiles brightly. "Besides, I'm sure you haven't missed Kanda's dastardly ways at all."
A mutter that sounds a lot like "damn right" or something similar.
"Or the way you two argue."
More grudging but vaguely agreeing mutters, and then, "No. He's a bastard. No missing that."
Lavi goes on, smile widening. "And you definitely haven't missed your fights. They're vicious."
"Vicious." Allen repeats aprovingly in between bites, frowning at the fire like he's seeing Kanda's face there.
"And his rudeness! It's almost unbelievable how rude he is! Terribly rude, our Yuu boy."
"Extremely rude." Allen nods, scowling at nothing as he continues eating.
"So you definitely haven't missed him. Not even his face. Even if it is pretty."
"Very pretty." Allen concurs.
"And his ass. That ass."
"Hmmm." Allen hums agreeably, staring at the fire.
There's a moment of silence, and then-
"Wait- WHAT?"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"If you say one word about me having to fall in love with you," Kanda growls, "I'm going to stab you, roast you, and have you for dinner."
The beetle seems to consider that briefly. "I don't think I'd be very tasty."
Kanda grunts in agreement. "I'm not giving you my firstborn either."
"Dammit." the tiny creature swears.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They reach the entry of the cave on the early afternoon of the third day. Allen's still grumbling a little about their having to skip lunch in order to reach the cave as soon as possible, so it's up to Lavi to pay their guide - who despite his fragile looks, turned out to have as much stamina as both of them, and they're Exorcists. It was enough to humble anyone - and after they both say their farewells to the kindly old man, they start preparing their slow descent down the cave.
"You go first." Allen says as they wind the ropes around a boulder outside the entry. "I don't want someone falling on me again and having to keep us both from falling. With my fingernails. Once was enough."
Lavi looked at him oddly. "Sounds like quite the tale. Care t'tell?"
"Trust me, Lavi," Allen says with a stormy expression, "You don't want to know."
"I'm the Bookman apprentice," the redhead points out. "I always want to know."
"I know that, Lavi. But that's just what people say when they don't want to tell you."
"I'm telling your boyfriend you were mean to me."
"Kanda's not my boyfriend!" Allen splutters, going slightly red - with rage or embarrassment, it's hard to tell.
"Oh?" Lavi smirks. "I never said anything about Kanda being your boyfriend."
Allen's eyes widen significantly and he goes a delightful shade of red before it all disappears behind his poker mask. "He wouldn’t care anyway." He says calmly as can be, and it's ridiculous how obvious it is that he's trying to change topic as quickly as possible.
Lavi feels generous enough to let him, for once.
And anyway, he's right at that, Allen is. "You have a point," Lavi nods thoughtfully. "...So I'm telling Lena."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
There are seven little men following Kanda. There are seven little worshipful men following Kanda, and what seems like an entire escaped zoo of woodland creatures not very far behind them. They do not move when Kanda stomps towards them, do not tremble when he starts yelling, and don't even try to run when he threatens them with Mugen.
Something hits his head with a loud noise and he barely manages to catch the shiny red apple before it reaches the ground. There's an old woman with a black cloak and a scary nose scowling at him.
"You. EAT THAT."
"Like hell I will." Kanda glares.
The old crow looks annoyed. "Look, I have places to be, things to do, so quit the bitchfest and bite the damn apple, princess. It will make the annoying little men go away."
Why are these people never that clear the first time?
"Fuck you, give it here already." Kanda snaps at the closest dwarf, who is holding the apple in his hands and looking at it like it is the Bhudda.
The apple's skin gives way sweetly under his teeth and delicious juice floods his mouth almost immediately, and Kanda has only a moment to think "fuck, but those little fuckers are annoying" before everything goes black and he knows no more.
When Kanda next opens his eyes, the snake coiled around him on the bed smiles with delight.
"Like Hell I'm kissing you."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
They stumble in the dark, nearly fall to their deaths more times than they can count, and in between curses (mostly Lavi) and not-so-encouraging encouragements (definitely Allen) they somehow make it to a more tunnel-like part of the cave that is horizontal enough for them to walk rather than climb it down.
Not that they trip and stumble and fall all over themselves any less, however.
"Well, this is embarrassing," Lavi mutters with his mouth full of dust, face down on the cave floor.
"Quite." Allen agrees, stuck in some awkward position underneath the redhead. Timcanpy flutters happily above them, making a fine impression of amusement for one without a face.
Lavi is forcing his arms up and below him in an effort to get up when his hand brushes something that feels- soft. He reaches out to touch it again, smooth it over with his hand, then grab it. "Tim?" he calls, and the golem immediately approaches, directing its tiny flashlight towards Lavi's hands.
Allen has sorted his limbs out by then, and peers over Lavi's shoulder. They both look at the white cloth for a few moments.
"Well," Allen says, "At least now we know we're going in the right direction."
"Well," Lavi says, “Now we know what happened to the Finders."
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Kanda pricks his finger on a spindle. He's almost not surprised when he immediately falls asleep.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
It has been five or so hours after they went into the cave, and Allen is fighting off a headache. He's tired, hungry, and covered in bruises. Lavi isn't much better. But there's little choice to it, so Allen keeps in mind the exact shade of Kanda's hair and the million insults he's going to throw at him when he gets to him, and they keep on going.
His headache has almost reached an unbearable point when the hidden akuma finally decide to stop playing and attack. Lavi is off to the right, something having caught his attention.
"Lavi, I swear, if this place caves in on us because you were too busy staring at some akuma's chest instead of paying attention to the one with the bombs, so help me-"
"Oh, a book!"
Then everything goes green-
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Next thing Kanda knows, there's something warm shifting all along his back, and pressure around his stomach and arms. There's also a burning breath puffing on the skin of his shoulder and at the back of his neck, and excited yells coming from somewhere below.
Then Kanda opens his eyes, and realizes three things:
One, the rabbit and the beansprout are here. For fuck's sake, his life couldn't get any worse.
Two, he's being held in the "hand" of a huge lizard thing with teeth like daggers and the ability to breathe fucking fire.
Three - he's wearing a dress. He's wearing a deep green dress, with lace and embroidery along the sleeves.
Kanda half wants to kill himself.
And then Lavi shouts over the dragon's roar, "LOOKIN' GOOD, YUU!"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Allen has seen quite a few things in his time with Cross Marian (shudder) and the Order, but he's willing to bet- nothing quite so spectacular as this.
The scenery is different. Another cave, but a large one, and its ceiling is so high it disappears in the darkness. It isn't quite so dark, either. There's a faint red light illuminating everything, coming mostly from the edges of the floor near the walls. Lavi's pale face as he takes in those details tells him this is not good, but Allen is too busy with one tiny other detail to worry too much about that.
There's a living, breathing, actual dragon in front of them, shocking in its hugeness, wisps of fire coming out of its flaring nostrils as it glares at the akuma buzzing in the air around it. But that's not it.
The dragon is holding Kanda in its hand. And Kanda? Well. Kanda is wearing a dress.
Allen stares. Stares, and tries to store the image in his mind to be revisited later (for perfectly decent reasons, mind you. Get out of the gutter, you despicable person, you).
And then he and Lavi start laughing their asses off, pointing and crying with mirth. They laugh even as Kanda gets free of the dragon's hold, rips the side of the skirt for easier movement, and starts chopping off dragon fingers and meddling akumas.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
When the useless idiots stop yelling and laughing at last and start making themselves useful, Kanda grits his teeth and tries to concentrate on finally handing out a killing blow. However, the dragon is huge but surprisingly agile, not to mention the hard as stone scales. Kanda can only barely nick it here and there in between avoiding bursts of fire. He's been singed twice already, and the hems of his dre- of his clothes are still smoking.
From the corner of his eye, he sees the rabbit preparing himself to bring down his hammer, which has grown to almost twice the size of a house, from behind the dragon. The huge flying lizard is on all fours and too busy trying to catch the beansprout. Kanda jumps and runs up the dragon's foreleg, dragging Mugen's sharp tip along the way, in an effort to bring the huge scaly things's attention to the front.
A gigantic clawed hand is descending on Kanda's head, who grits his teeth and holds his ground, stubbornly refusing to let some stupid lizard get one over him, never mind that he's in a fucking dress, when he notices something.
There's a round, bright-pink woman with a strange hat in the same color hovering in the air a little above Kanda.
"I," she says, with all the dignity one can muster when hanging a little awkwardly mid hair, "am your Fairy Godmother."
"Fuck me." Kanda blurts out, not faltering in his defense with Mugen despite his surprise.
"And you, missy," she continues, voice ringing with stern disapproval, "you are a terrible, terrible lady in distress."
Kanda can hear Lavi nearly choke to death as the Fire Seal goes out with a pathetic coughing sound instead of being released on the dragon. The lunatic in pink waves a stick at Kanda with a sniff of disapproval.
He blinks, and he's surrounded by magical rope, tied down to the dragon's neck and unable to move a single finger. In between spitting the foulest curses he can think of, Kanda wonders how this is his life.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
"Boy," a stern voice comes somewhere from above and behind Allen. "Must you be so slow? The princess is awaiting rescue!"
Feeling slightly confused, Allen looks over his shoulder as he finishes the akuma he'd been fighting. "Um. I'm going as fast as I can?" he tries, but there's already another akuma heading his way.
A loud sniff of disapproval (somehow) makes itself heard over the booming akuma cannons. "Princes nowadays," the lady in pink seated on the flying broomstick says, "all so lacking. No decent ones. None whatsoever."
"Wha-what do you expect me to do?!" Allen yells in frustration as he narrowly avoids being beheaded by a gigantic claw.
"Why, to stop dilly-dallying about and go rescue the princess immediately, of course," the pink lady calmly sips her tea. "And be chivalrous."
Allen decides to just focus on the important part of that. "Princes- what princess-" and then it hits him. He looks up, and there Kanda is, in his pretty green dress, tied to the dragon's neck and yelling incoherent blasphemies.
Allen only stops his laughing and rolling on the cave's floor when the dragon almost steps on him. And even after that he's still snickering softly despite the glares the pink lady keeps throwing at him.
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Anyway, that is how the whole thing ends in an epic fashion. After a rather daring rescue on Allen's part, that involved using Lavi and Tim as decoys and using Clown Belt to climb up to the dragon's neck while avoiding fire, claws and teeth. And then getting a murderous, immobile Kanda out of his ropes and back down (possibly the most dangerous part of it all) and away from the scaly beast.
All this under the approving gaze of a Fairy Godmother that watched the whole thing while sitting in a newly conjured armchair floating in the air, at a safe distance, while sipping tea. She disappeared as soon as it was over, satisfied that her charge had gotten decently saved like a proper princess, as another explosion of green light transported the Exorcists back to the original cave.
Afterwards, Kanda looks tremendously, royally pissed off, and Lavi and Allen find themselves almost (ALMOST!) trembling with fear before a blood-covered and tattered-dress-wearing Kanda the way they didn't before a living, fire breathing dragon.
Kanda's scowl deepens and the other two nearly whimper. "What," Kanda hisses, "the fucking. Hell."
Allen is the first to recover his usual cold blood in the face of Kanda's bitchiness, and quickly snaps back. "Why, hello to you too. How about a ‘thank you’ now?"
"Shut it, beansprout, you fucking useless waste of skin, I have no ti-"
"Oh? But you had time to need saving?"
"Aw, young bickering love." Lavi sighs "Just like old times. I missed this."
"SHUT IT, LAVI!"
-- // -- o-O-o -- \\ --
Lavi's still snickering softly to himself much, much later, when they've left the cave and are camping behind the first line of trees of the nearest forest.
"So you got stuck.... inside a bunch of fairy tales? For half a month?"
Kanda scowls and determinedly slurps his hot tea, but doesn't deny it. Next to him, Allen is staring thoughtfully at the fire, but there are hints of a small smile curling his mouth a little.
Lavi refrains from making a comment on how remarkably close to each other the two are sitting. Mostly because they're not so much sitting close as plastered to the other's side. Allen's sporting a rather impressive black eye for arguing with Kanda about how he'd "saved" him. Lavi doesn't want an equal dose, and besides, neither is protesting against the other's proximity, so he'll let them be.
"And exactly what kind of fairy tales were those?"
"Annoying ones," Kanda says at last.
"Your eloquence," Allen mutters with a roll of his eyes, "it slays me."
"Shut it, bean," Kanda says without heat, "I’ve got no patience to deal with your bullshit."
Lavi chuckles lowly. "Well, you better get it back soon," he yawns a little and lies down on his blankets, getting them over himself and curling up.
Kanda glares at him questioningly (a feat only Kanda can achieve) but it's Allen who asks the question. "Why?" he says curiously, tilting his snowy white head to the side, gray eyes dancing with the reflection of the flickering flames.
Lavi's smile spreads slow and mischievous across his face. "Well. 'Cause I've got our fight all recorded, and it'll be spreading faster than fire as soon as we get home?"
Kanda reaches for Mugen.
Allen manages to get out, while trying to breathe in between bouts of laughter, "You amazing bastard, Lavi."
the END