Too damn early for this shit
About: Lavi-killed-some-guy AU. Happens after this
"How did you kill the guy anyway..." It was far, far too early for Kanda to bother making it a question. Also, he was busy rubbing his temples. He could feel a headache coming on.
"Erm." Lavi hesitated.
Great, Kanda thought bitterly, and resisted the sudden urge to bury his face in his hands. "I don't want to know, do I." he narrowed his eyes at the nervous redhead, and gulped down some more warm beer. For strength of mind. Because it was either the beer (warm as it was) or really burying his head in his hands and wailing in despair. Or bashing his head against the- no, or bashing Lavi's head against the wall. Now that was a much more attractive thought.
"Yes, well." Lavi gulped, and then tried for a cheerful, light-hearted tone that was desperately fake: "Hahahaha, it's a funny story, actually! So there I was, back home from Lena's surprise birthday party for me, which was awesome by the way, not that you care, but I got-"
Kanda gave him a Look.
"So I kinda killed him with a magazine." Lavi said very quickly, ducking his head as if to appear smaller.
....
Kanda blinked.
Lavi blinked.
"A magazine." *
"Er, yeah."
". . ."
". . ."
"You're insane. You're insane, and it's too damn early for this shit. I'm going back to bed."
"No, wait, Yuu!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
(40 minutes and much begging, dragging, and manfully brooding whilst staring at a corpse later)
"..."
"So how did you...?"
"...Hit 'im too hard. Base of head hit washing basin at a bad angle. And then the mirror..."
"Washing basin?"
"Guy was hiding behind my bathroom door."
"..."
"No one messes with a guy's privacy in the toilet, man. No one."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"And what the fuck were you thinking, bringing it here?! Who the hell goes knocking on people's door with a corpse?! What do you even say-"
Lavi smiled sheepishly. "Hahaha, I dunno, 'wanna help me bury 'im'?" **
Naturally, Kanda hit him.
"Ouch! What was that for?!"
"For your pure, blinding idiocy. For fucking with my sleep. For breathing in general. Take your pick, I'm not fussy."
"Man, you're such a prick."
"Don't talk to me like that when your corpse is bleeding on my kitchen table."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"Hey.... Vinegar's an acid right? So if we leave 'im in a tub of vinegar for long enough-"
"We'd get a dead guy pickle, you retard."***
"Hmmmm, pickles."
"That's it, I'm going to bed."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"Do you know what the guy was doing there, anyway?"
"'sides from taking a peak at the absolutely legendary goods?"
This time, Lavi anticipated the move and ducked in time to avoid the slap to the back of his head. He grinned smugly, then Kanda hit him again anyway.
"Idiot. Now spill."
Lavi suddenly looked vaguely uncomfortable, and Kanda had a bad feeling. "I may or may not have done something someone might not have liked very much. On the job, yanno."
Kanda had known. Really, he had. Bookmen were so damn- "How much is 'very much'?" he asked, rubbing his temples again.
"Guy said he wanted ta scrape my flesh off mah bones with my toenails. Or something."
Kanda was not surprised. Kanda was not surprised at all and yet he still felt the sudden urge to throw a vase or something equally damaging and satisfyingly breakable at Lavi's head.
He had to remind himself that he was not going to bury his face in his hands or bash anyone's head against the wall or throw any breakable objects, twice, before he spoke again. And he finished the beer too (warm, damn it). "How bad is it that this someone's not happy?"
"First adoptive son of the Millenium group's owner, crime overlord of, well, basically this country and the next two over, something like a gang leader? I'd say pretty bad."
"..."
"Not the end of the world. Just pretty bad. Only a little, really. Guy's overreacting, I swear."
It was too damn early for this shit. Too damn early.
"Yuu? Where ya going?"
"Getting the vodka from the fridge, and then I'm going to bed."
"Ah, it's probably warm, though."
"..."
"Yeah, thought I'd told ya yesterday? Your fridge's not working."
.TBC
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Looks like Kanda is doomed to an eternity of warm drinks. I bet next time he goes to a bar, they run out of ice.
Anyway. Credit where credit is due:
* Murder weapon: magazine - idea by harmony283
** Hahaha, I dunno, 'wanna help me bury 'im'? - by metisket
*** Hey.... Vinegar's an acid right? So if we leave 'im in a tub of vinegar for long enough- / We'd get a dead guy pickle, you retard. - by mugen_edamame.
"How did you kill the guy anyway..." It was far, far too early for Kanda to bother making it a question. Also, he was busy rubbing his temples. He could feel a headache coming on.
"Erm." Lavi hesitated.
Great, Kanda thought bitterly, and resisted the sudden urge to bury his face in his hands. "I don't want to know, do I." he narrowed his eyes at the nervous redhead, and gulped down some more warm beer. For strength of mind. Because it was either the beer (warm as it was) or really burying his head in his hands and wailing in despair. Or bashing his head against the- no, or bashing Lavi's head against the wall. Now that was a much more attractive thought.
"Yes, well." Lavi gulped, and then tried for a cheerful, light-hearted tone that was desperately fake: "Hahahaha, it's a funny story, actually! So there I was, back home from Lena's surprise birthday party for me, which was awesome by the way, not that you care, but I got-"
Kanda gave him a Look.
"So I kinda killed him with a magazine." Lavi said very quickly, ducking his head as if to appear smaller.
....
Kanda blinked.
Lavi blinked.
"A magazine." *
"Er, yeah."
". . ."
". . ."
"You're insane. You're insane, and it's too damn early for this shit. I'm going back to bed."
"No, wait, Yuu!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
(40 minutes and much begging, dragging, and manfully brooding whilst staring at a corpse later)
"..."
"So how did you...?"
"...Hit 'im too hard. Base of head hit washing basin at a bad angle. And then the mirror..."
"Washing basin?"
"Guy was hiding behind my bathroom door."
"..."
"No one messes with a guy's privacy in the toilet, man. No one."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"And what the fuck were you thinking, bringing it here?! Who the hell goes knocking on people's door with a corpse?! What do you even say-"
Lavi smiled sheepishly. "Hahaha, I dunno, 'wanna help me bury 'im'?" **
Naturally, Kanda hit him.
"Ouch! What was that for?!"
"For your pure, blinding idiocy. For fucking with my sleep. For breathing in general. Take your pick, I'm not fussy."
"Man, you're such a prick."
"Don't talk to me like that when your corpse is bleeding on my kitchen table."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"Hey.... Vinegar's an acid right? So if we leave 'im in a tub of vinegar for long enough-"
"We'd get a dead guy pickle, you retard."***
"Hmmmm, pickles."
"That's it, I'm going to bed."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"Do you know what the guy was doing there, anyway?"
"'sides from taking a peak at the absolutely legendary goods?"
This time, Lavi anticipated the move and ducked in time to avoid the slap to the back of his head. He grinned smugly, then Kanda hit him again anyway.
"Idiot. Now spill."
Lavi suddenly looked vaguely uncomfortable, and Kanda had a bad feeling. "I may or may not have done something someone might not have liked very much. On the job, yanno."
Kanda had known. Really, he had. Bookmen were so damn- "How much is 'very much'?" he asked, rubbing his temples again.
"Guy said he wanted ta scrape my flesh off mah bones with my toenails. Or something."
Kanda was not surprised. Kanda was not surprised at all and yet he still felt the sudden urge to throw a vase or something equally damaging and satisfyingly breakable at Lavi's head.
He had to remind himself that he was not going to bury his face in his hands or bash anyone's head against the wall or throw any breakable objects, twice, before he spoke again. And he finished the beer too (warm, damn it). "How bad is it that this someone's not happy?"
"First adoptive son of the Millenium group's owner, crime overlord of, well, basically this country and the next two over, something like a gang leader? I'd say pretty bad."
"..."
"Not the end of the world. Just pretty bad. Only a little, really. Guy's overreacting, I swear."
It was too damn early for this shit. Too damn early.
"Yuu? Where ya going?"
"Getting the vodka from the fridge, and then I'm going to bed."
"Ah, it's probably warm, though."
"..."
"Yeah, thought I'd told ya yesterday? Your fridge's not working."
.TBC
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Looks like Kanda is doomed to an eternity of warm drinks. I bet next time he goes to a bar, they run out of ice.
Anyway. Credit where credit is due:
* Murder weapon: magazine - idea by harmony283
** Hahaha, I dunno, 'wanna help me bury 'im'? - by metisket
*** Hey.... Vinegar's an acid right? So if we leave 'im in a tub of vinegar for long enough- / We'd get a dead guy pickle, you retard. - by mugen_edamame.