The dichotomoy of SAHM emotions.
I never would have envisioned myself being a stay-at-home mom for any length of time. I've been a workaholic for as long as I can remember, and I specifically remember thinking to myself that there was no way I'd take more than the minimum amount of maternity leave available to me. I know for a fact that when I created this journal almost 16 years ago, this is in no way what I expected, anticipated, or even wanted.
It is, however, exactly where I want to be now. I can't describe the joy of living life with my family being first. I get to cook, clean, shop, and do laundry. Yes, you read that right: I actually love doing housework. That may mean I'm certifiably insane. Those things soothe me; I love my family members' faces when they sit down to a nicely prepared meal. It's therapeutic for me to sort, wash, dry, and organize clothes. And I love, love, love to grocery shop. I have no idea why. I don't particularly like being at the grocery store, but I love the process of planning the meals, checking things off my list, and giving my sweet baby little kisses on her cheeks while we wait in line to check out. She does a great job at the grocery store... We'll see how much that changes as she gets older, ha ha.
I love being home with Becca, waking up when she wakes up, snuggling her as I feed her, carrying her around in an Ergo or Moby, singing to her, playing with her. It fulfills me in a way I never thought possible. I don't miss work much at all; I thought that would change after a few months, but it still hasn't.
However...
I do miss my coworkers and friends at work, and I miss my students. I do love teaching, but the stress of it is astronomical on a daily basis. Now that I've been away from it for awhile, I'm finding it harder and harder to be excited about going back. If I didn't work in a district that I am fond of or with so many good eggs as colleagues, it would be difficult for me to return next year. This week is the first time that I thought to myself, "You know, I wish I could find something else to do that would allow me to stay with Becca more but make the same salary and provide the same health insurance benefits."
So that is why I am writing. I can't believe I thought that. I've come such a long way. I've finally broken that cycle of work obsession, of letting my work define me and consume me. Of placing work above pretty much everything else in life. Of measuring my worth by how successful I feel I am at my job. When I return in August, I am going to have a whole new perspective.
Back to the other side of the coin, though... As much as I love being away from work and with my sweet girl, I have found as the winter months wane on that the loneliness is harder and harder to fight. I'm not a particularly social person, but I miss my friends at work. A few more than others. And because I know how stressful school is and how exhausted we all are at the end of the day, I'd rather not bother them with trying to add more outings and that to their plates. Keith and I have barely any social life outside of each other, really, because we are always too exhausted to make anything else happen. It wasn't like that when we first married, but the demands placed on us as professionals have increased more and more as the years have gone by, and now with Becca... it's a whole new ball game.
If you've ever played The Sims (or any version of it), you can relate to this: Last week, the loneliness was so thick that I pictured my Social meter to be in the red. It's strange that I could feel that lonely even with Becca, or my older daughter, or my husband around. But I did, and it was confusing. I still haven't sorted it all out. I think it has a lot to do with missing my mom, but I feel my thoughts drifting to my friends at work pretty regularly, too. Luckily for me, it doesn't take much to bring the Social meter back up to the green. I don't really thrive on social gatherings at all (in fact, I'm not too fond of them if they don't allow me to actually have a conversation with any one person), but we humans are social creatures by nature. It's been a long time since I felt that way last week, and like I said, I still haven't sorted it all out yet. It feels so strange to enjoy being home with my little girl so much, yet yearn for the comfort of some adult contact.
Dear Lord, I need to go to bed.
It is, however, exactly where I want to be now. I can't describe the joy of living life with my family being first. I get to cook, clean, shop, and do laundry. Yes, you read that right: I actually love doing housework. That may mean I'm certifiably insane. Those things soothe me; I love my family members' faces when they sit down to a nicely prepared meal. It's therapeutic for me to sort, wash, dry, and organize clothes. And I love, love, love to grocery shop. I have no idea why. I don't particularly like being at the grocery store, but I love the process of planning the meals, checking things off my list, and giving my sweet baby little kisses on her cheeks while we wait in line to check out. She does a great job at the grocery store... We'll see how much that changes as she gets older, ha ha.
I love being home with Becca, waking up when she wakes up, snuggling her as I feed her, carrying her around in an Ergo or Moby, singing to her, playing with her. It fulfills me in a way I never thought possible. I don't miss work much at all; I thought that would change after a few months, but it still hasn't.
However...
I do miss my coworkers and friends at work, and I miss my students. I do love teaching, but the stress of it is astronomical on a daily basis. Now that I've been away from it for awhile, I'm finding it harder and harder to be excited about going back. If I didn't work in a district that I am fond of or with so many good eggs as colleagues, it would be difficult for me to return next year. This week is the first time that I thought to myself, "You know, I wish I could find something else to do that would allow me to stay with Becca more but make the same salary and provide the same health insurance benefits."
So that is why I am writing. I can't believe I thought that. I've come such a long way. I've finally broken that cycle of work obsession, of letting my work define me and consume me. Of placing work above pretty much everything else in life. Of measuring my worth by how successful I feel I am at my job. When I return in August, I am going to have a whole new perspective.
Back to the other side of the coin, though... As much as I love being away from work and with my sweet girl, I have found as the winter months wane on that the loneliness is harder and harder to fight. I'm not a particularly social person, but I miss my friends at work. A few more than others. And because I know how stressful school is and how exhausted we all are at the end of the day, I'd rather not bother them with trying to add more outings and that to their plates. Keith and I have barely any social life outside of each other, really, because we are always too exhausted to make anything else happen. It wasn't like that when we first married, but the demands placed on us as professionals have increased more and more as the years have gone by, and now with Becca... it's a whole new ball game.
If you've ever played The Sims (or any version of it), you can relate to this: Last week, the loneliness was so thick that I pictured my Social meter to be in the red. It's strange that I could feel that lonely even with Becca, or my older daughter, or my husband around. But I did, and it was confusing. I still haven't sorted it all out. I think it has a lot to do with missing my mom, but I feel my thoughts drifting to my friends at work pretty regularly, too. Luckily for me, it doesn't take much to bring the Social meter back up to the green. I don't really thrive on social gatherings at all (in fact, I'm not too fond of them if they don't allow me to actually have a conversation with any one person), but we humans are social creatures by nature. It's been a long time since I felt that way last week, and like I said, I still haven't sorted it all out yet. It feels so strange to enjoy being home with my little girl so much, yet yearn for the comfort of some adult contact.
Dear Lord, I need to go to bed.