(no subject)
So I've changed some things on here. I've erased anything that might suggest who I am. My name, my email, AIM, my picture, all of it is gone. Perhaps there is some Freudian reason for all this, but, to be honest, I don't really like Freud, so I don't care. Random, I know. But whatever. I doubt anyone reads this anymore. I don't really care. It's therapeutic to write here, so I do it. I know it seems like I'm always in a bad mood anymore, and, in short, I am. But I only write on here when I'm in the specific mood where I need to vent to...no one. So here I am. I'm not going to go into specifics, of course, I never do. I do not write here for you, if you're reading this, I most likely don't talk to you that often, if ever. So you wouldn't understand anyway.
I don't know anymore. Life is not what I want it to be, and I don't really see that changing. I've been defeated, really. Defeated by myself, defeated by life, God, whatever. I remember about a year and a half ago, I wrote an entry on Ash Wednesday. I haven't read it in a while. I should perhaps. I ended it mentioned that I'd write again on Yom Kippur. I didn't. I said I would say what Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calender, meant to me. I'll answer that question. Nothing. I have lost all faith in God. It's not that I'm an atheist, I believe God exists. I'm a deist perhaps. God created us, then turned his back on us. We are not the children of God, made in his image. He does not love us, he did not send his son to die for us. We are not important. And if we are important to him, then how can he be important to us? He can't. So I don't bother anymore.
That's generally my attitude anymore. I'm not really impressed with life. Now, I don't want to die. Not at all. So please don't think I'm suicidal or anything. I'm not. I'm actually terrified of death. There is so much to do. So this is not a cry for help. The closest I come to suicide is smoking. It could kill me one day, but I don't really intend on doing it for that much longer. We live in a society that tells us we can not do something. A foolish message. Do not tell people what not to do. Do not tell children not to smoke, then sell them in every convenience store. Mixed messages. Mind you, I'm not advocating banning selling cigarettes. The government should stay the fuck out of my life. Not necessarily yours, mind you. I'm not really a libertarian. I don't have loyalties. My family, my friends. The rest of humanity doesn't interest me. Certainly abstract concepts like "democracy" and "justice" mean nothing. I have no ideals. Ironically, I'm writing this on the 4th of July. I'll be celebrating along with everyone else, of course, you need to get as much enjoyment as possible from life. And I am patriotic, just in different ways, and for different reasons. Also, ironically, I still wear the "Make poverty history" bracelet I got at Live 8. I'm not exactly sure why. I don't really believe it. Not worldwide, at least. There should be no poverty in the US. The rest of the world...that's not my problem. Nor is it America's. But that's just my opinion. To quote a saying that me and a couple friends like to use..."the world is overpopulated." That's it. It has it's meaning. I'm sure you understand.
Things need to change. I'm not where I thought I'd be 2 years ago, when I graduated high school. Perhaps it's the summer, when all the people from high school are home. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't really care if I see most of them. Matt Uhrich's the only one I'm still really friends with. Alina too. The rest...eh. Whatever. But anyway, I've been thinking about where I thought I'd be, and this is not it. But I made some wrong decisions, but, in the end, I am ok with them. As Adam Douglas said, "You live and learn. Well, at any rate, you live." I asked someone how they were doing a couple days ago. They said, "I'm alive. I suppose that counts for something." It does indeed. We are not the masters of our own fate and all that bullshit. That's what they tell you in school when you're little. Hell, even when you're not so little. They tell you all you have to do is work hard, give it your best, and the world can be yours. That's not true, of course. So many things are beyond our control. I've accepted this. I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I accept it as true. There's a difference, I think.
I do not know where my life is leading. And I'm not ok with this. I wrote awhile back, let me see if I can quote it, "[I]n the end, I realized that while I don't know where I'm going, or even where I've been, I do know one thing. I know where I am. And I know that right now, it's the best place on Earth. And I pity everyone who isn't here. Because they have no idea what they're missing...And again, what I decided is that I wouldn't trade this for the world." I copy and pasted that, obviously. Anyway, I don't really feel that way anymore. There are parts I'm happy about, of course. But generally, there is this...discontent. And I need to figure that out.
My mood is "jealous." I think I'll pass on elaborating. Call me vague.
Well, this has been quite a rant. I'm done now. I think I'm going to go reread some of my old posts. Perhaps I'll post again soon. Or maybe I won't. Somehow, I doubt it matters anyway.
I don't know anymore. Life is not what I want it to be, and I don't really see that changing. I've been defeated, really. Defeated by myself, defeated by life, God, whatever. I remember about a year and a half ago, I wrote an entry on Ash Wednesday. I haven't read it in a while. I should perhaps. I ended it mentioned that I'd write again on Yom Kippur. I didn't. I said I would say what Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calender, meant to me. I'll answer that question. Nothing. I have lost all faith in God. It's not that I'm an atheist, I believe God exists. I'm a deist perhaps. God created us, then turned his back on us. We are not the children of God, made in his image. He does not love us, he did not send his son to die for us. We are not important. And if we are important to him, then how can he be important to us? He can't. So I don't bother anymore.
That's generally my attitude anymore. I'm not really impressed with life. Now, I don't want to die. Not at all. So please don't think I'm suicidal or anything. I'm not. I'm actually terrified of death. There is so much to do. So this is not a cry for help. The closest I come to suicide is smoking. It could kill me one day, but I don't really intend on doing it for that much longer. We live in a society that tells us we can not do something. A foolish message. Do not tell people what not to do. Do not tell children not to smoke, then sell them in every convenience store. Mixed messages. Mind you, I'm not advocating banning selling cigarettes. The government should stay the fuck out of my life. Not necessarily yours, mind you. I'm not really a libertarian. I don't have loyalties. My family, my friends. The rest of humanity doesn't interest me. Certainly abstract concepts like "democracy" and "justice" mean nothing. I have no ideals. Ironically, I'm writing this on the 4th of July. I'll be celebrating along with everyone else, of course, you need to get as much enjoyment as possible from life. And I am patriotic, just in different ways, and for different reasons. Also, ironically, I still wear the "Make poverty history" bracelet I got at Live 8. I'm not exactly sure why. I don't really believe it. Not worldwide, at least. There should be no poverty in the US. The rest of the world...that's not my problem. Nor is it America's. But that's just my opinion. To quote a saying that me and a couple friends like to use..."the world is overpopulated." That's it. It has it's meaning. I'm sure you understand.
Things need to change. I'm not where I thought I'd be 2 years ago, when I graduated high school. Perhaps it's the summer, when all the people from high school are home. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't really care if I see most of them. Matt Uhrich's the only one I'm still really friends with. Alina too. The rest...eh. Whatever. But anyway, I've been thinking about where I thought I'd be, and this is not it. But I made some wrong decisions, but, in the end, I am ok with them. As Adam Douglas said, "You live and learn. Well, at any rate, you live." I asked someone how they were doing a couple days ago. They said, "I'm alive. I suppose that counts for something." It does indeed. We are not the masters of our own fate and all that bullshit. That's what they tell you in school when you're little. Hell, even when you're not so little. They tell you all you have to do is work hard, give it your best, and the world can be yours. That's not true, of course. So many things are beyond our control. I've accepted this. I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I accept it as true. There's a difference, I think.
I do not know where my life is leading. And I'm not ok with this. I wrote awhile back, let me see if I can quote it, "[I]n the end, I realized that while I don't know where I'm going, or even where I've been, I do know one thing. I know where I am. And I know that right now, it's the best place on Earth. And I pity everyone who isn't here. Because they have no idea what they're missing...And again, what I decided is that I wouldn't trade this for the world." I copy and pasted that, obviously. Anyway, I don't really feel that way anymore. There are parts I'm happy about, of course. But generally, there is this...discontent. And I need to figure that out.
My mood is "jealous." I think I'll pass on elaborating. Call me vague.
Well, this has been quite a rant. I'm done now. I think I'm going to go reread some of my old posts. Perhaps I'll post again soon. Or maybe I won't. Somehow, I doubt it matters anyway.