Why?
I really feel depressed at the moment. I dont know what started it, all I know is that I have felt like crap all day. I know it is bad when I start thinking about suicide and find a morbid comfort and attraction to it. I just want to die. A lot of things have happened to make me feel like there is no hope or reason to live. My grandpa's knee is deteriorating to the point he may not be able to move it again. I saw him this past weekend and he just seemed so tired and week. He has lost a lot of weight and and has lost his appetite. His knee had surgery and radiation treatment for a rare type of cancer of the cartilage. His movement in the knee hasnt been increasing after the operation, it is decreasing. I also missed two classes today because my alarms didnt go off and so I slept till 12:30, 15 minutes before my last class is over for the day. I have about 3 papers to write by the end of the week and practice intesively for an upcoming concert and for a lesson. I feel like everything is going all wrong and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I am a drag on some of my friends here, like they would rather be somewhere else. I love it here at Augie, but I just am so depressed for some reason. I just want to die. I just remembered another thing that I forgot to do today. I feel like I am aleinating friends some how. Well, enough of this for now. I am going to go back to contemplating death and other fun stuff.