(no subject)
I am often reminded of how crass and ugly the world is, and how hard and unfair it can be. Moments ago, I was deleting the day's batch of spam and nasty porn from my inbox, when my mother came in to tell me that her friend, a long term sufferer of multiple sclerosis, is having her leg amputated first thing tomorrow morning, and may die anyway, as it seems an aneurysm in the blood may be causing internal bleeding in her abdomen. That woman has shown courage through several decades of a horrific disease, which has left her a skeletal shadow, confined her to a wheelchair, and now is threatening her with a painful, unpleasant and undignified death. My mother asked me to pray for her, and I think I might. I have no real faith, but I wish I did. In cases like this, religion is a hope to cling to, but then I argue internally over whether I want there to be a god who allows something like that to happen, and I don't know whether it's better that there be no god rather than that there be a malicious, indifferent or impotent god. Then I feel I must ask myself, why someone good? I've done nothing to justify my continued existence. I've hurt people and done bad things and, in general, am not a particularly good, gentle or nice person, but I can walk, I'm not in much danger of being dead this time tomorrow, or the day after for that matter, and I am possessed of many material goods. In fact, I suffer very little hardship at all. I need to validate my comfortable existence. This world is too ugly not to fight against. It's better to throw a life in disgust against its wall, than to wallow in comfort and luxury and never give proper thanks while the good die and never know hope.