Where to begin...
Well, the past 4/5 months have been hell. I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out and booed off a stage. Where has all the time gone? When did my little girl grow up? I remember when I could hold her in my arms and she didn't even come up to my chin... now I look at her, as she stands next to me, hugs my leg, looks up to me with her beautiful hazel eyes and tells me 'I love you Daddy," well... it just makes feelings I have never felt before well up inside to the point of being overcome, and I am taken. I love her more then life itself, and it's about time I realized that. I have had a golden opportunity placed in front of me. Her mom is working midnights now so whenever I am off of work the next day I have the opportunity to have her, and I take advantage of every second I can spend with her. She's so intelligent, outgoing, kind, friendly, loving, etc. I hate it when she is not with me. There is no reason that this should be happening but it is, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have so much more left to say. So much feels as though it is undone. I am not going to let that happen with Seneca... I love her way too much. She has made these past 4/5 months bearable. She has brought me light in a place where all lights have gone out. She is my guiding force. I know that sounds silly that a 4 year old is my guiding light but she keeps my head on straight, she keeps me from self-destruction and self-destructive behavior. I need her, and she needs me, despite what anyone thinks. I will always be there for her.
I have taken to eliminating unhealthy things in my life. I think Kim is going to have to go. I am not feeling what I thought I was with her. As a matter of fact, I don't exactly know what I was hoping to accomplish with her... maybe some closure. I don't think she is ready for me, what I want, and what I need and I know that I am not ready for her lifestyle, as I have seen it. It's too much for me. She is a good friend, but I think that is all that will ever come of that. Who knows though... nobody can tell the future, who knows what will happen in the future.
Let's see, more unhealthy things that need to go... The bullshit that I have been going through with Kristin needs to go! It's very frustrating. Make a decision (I am pretty sure of what that decision is going to be) or I am going to make a decision for you (and you know what that decision will be). This is becoming unhealthy, and I am at the point of eliminating unhealthy things in my life, whatever the consequences may be. I am not hiding from anyone or anything anymore! I am not going to cage my feelings up inside anymore. I am tired of being a prisoner in my own head. I don't care if people think I am being self-loathing or feeling sorry for myself. I think I have a right to feel that way. I have had a lot of horrible shit happen in my life in a short amount of time. I think I am entitled to a little bitterness and resentment, if applied the correct way. I think it could help me cope too. So in a nutshell, we are going to decide what happens tonight because I am not doing this anymore, and I mean it this time. It ends tonight, one way or another. I can't do it anymore... I am willing to be lonely still because I still have my daughter and her love, and she has mine, and that makes everything ok, no matter what anyone thinks. You say that I'm weak, so show me the proof. I still exist in spite of you.
I have rejoined a band. The band's name is Divine and we rock! A couple of my friends from the theatre days are in it (Wolfie and Prop Man). Its a good gig. We have played a show and are working on some songs now. This project will be fun. Can't wait to get into a recording studio. We are that good. We just need to tighten things up and format them a little better, and then we are on the way. At some point in my life I feel that I am destined for greatness, be it my five minutes of fame or a lifetime, I will be ready for it.
I am usually not one to start the firebombing but I think now may be the time for me to start.
I feel like I have schizophrenic conversations with myself. I think that I may be bi-polar, or maybe I am just experiencing highs and lows that everyone else feels. Maybe I just deal with it differently. I have an inability to let go of things that are dead/gone. I am insecure with myself and my actions. I am indecisive. I can be cruel and unforgiving. I think that in the end I have a good heart, but you know what they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions (I got that one right!). Look at it like this... there are only 303 days left in 2006 and then it will be over. Hope I make it there. Thanks to all that have been there for me, the very few of you. The rest of you 'people' can go to hell... I'll see you when I get there!
I have taken to eliminating unhealthy things in my life. I think Kim is going to have to go. I am not feeling what I thought I was with her. As a matter of fact, I don't exactly know what I was hoping to accomplish with her... maybe some closure. I don't think she is ready for me, what I want, and what I need and I know that I am not ready for her lifestyle, as I have seen it. It's too much for me. She is a good friend, but I think that is all that will ever come of that. Who knows though... nobody can tell the future, who knows what will happen in the future.
Let's see, more unhealthy things that need to go... The bullshit that I have been going through with Kristin needs to go! It's very frustrating. Make a decision (I am pretty sure of what that decision is going to be) or I am going to make a decision for you (and you know what that decision will be). This is becoming unhealthy, and I am at the point of eliminating unhealthy things in my life, whatever the consequences may be. I am not hiding from anyone or anything anymore! I am not going to cage my feelings up inside anymore. I am tired of being a prisoner in my own head. I don't care if people think I am being self-loathing or feeling sorry for myself. I think I have a right to feel that way. I have had a lot of horrible shit happen in my life in a short amount of time. I think I am entitled to a little bitterness and resentment, if applied the correct way. I think it could help me cope too. So in a nutshell, we are going to decide what happens tonight because I am not doing this anymore, and I mean it this time. It ends tonight, one way or another. I can't do it anymore... I am willing to be lonely still because I still have my daughter and her love, and she has mine, and that makes everything ok, no matter what anyone thinks. You say that I'm weak, so show me the proof. I still exist in spite of you.
I have rejoined a band. The band's name is Divine and we rock! A couple of my friends from the theatre days are in it (Wolfie and Prop Man). Its a good gig. We have played a show and are working on some songs now. This project will be fun. Can't wait to get into a recording studio. We are that good. We just need to tighten things up and format them a little better, and then we are on the way. At some point in my life I feel that I am destined for greatness, be it my five minutes of fame or a lifetime, I will be ready for it.
I am usually not one to start the firebombing but I think now may be the time for me to start.
I feel like I have schizophrenic conversations with myself. I think that I may be bi-polar, or maybe I am just experiencing highs and lows that everyone else feels. Maybe I just deal with it differently. I have an inability to let go of things that are dead/gone. I am insecure with myself and my actions. I am indecisive. I can be cruel and unforgiving. I think that in the end I have a good heart, but you know what they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions (I got that one right!). Look at it like this... there are only 303 days left in 2006 and then it will be over. Hope I make it there. Thanks to all that have been there for me, the very few of you. The rest of you 'people' can go to hell... I'll see you when I get there!