If I Knew Then... Prologue & Ch 1
I've been getting a lot of requests to finish IIKT, and it's been preying on my mind lately. So I decided to start working on it again. I had been posting it to bloodclaim, but never put it here in my journal. You can find all the chapters in my memories, but I really want to tag it, so I'm going to start posting it from the beginning a couple of chapters a day so as not to spam. Hopefully, by the time I post the last chapter that I had up, I'll have an all new chapter to post.
Title: If I Knew Then...
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG to NC17
Disclaimer: All assorted characters belong to Mutant Enemy and Joss which is fine, because I suspect Buffy's high maintenance anyway.
Summary: AU-The African demon in Grave grants Spike's wish in a way he never planned. Flung back in time, he has to relive the previous three years with all the knowledge of what's to come.
A/N: These were originally betaed with love by blinding_sight. Certain bits of dialogue are taken from the following BtVS episodes.
Prologue-- 6:22 Grave, 4:6 Wild at Heart
Chapter 1-- 4:7 The Initiative
Prologue: "Gravely Wild at Heart"
"You have endured the required trials."
"Bloody right I have," he groans and slowly rolls to his feet. "So you'll give me what I want. I'll be back to what I was. They'll get what they deserve. Buffy and her bleedin' Scoobies."
"Very well," the demon says with an ominous pause. Spike looks up at him with confusion. The demon smiles. "You'll go back."
Before he can take a breath to speak, a light blinds him and the gruesome grin before him bleeds away into the all-encompassing light. The brightness slowly fades and Spike rubs at his watery eyes. It takes him a few precious seconds to adjust to the darkness again. The cave and demon are gone. Instead, he stands outside in the night. The smells around him, the grass under his feet, and even the cool breeze let him know he's not in Africa anymore.
"What the?" he whispers. A quick movement in the distance catches his attention and then he sees her, Buffy with a vamp hot on her heels. His stomach tightens at the sight of her. There are so many emotions warring within him when he looks at her. Love, hate, remorse, anger... oh yes, there is anger. There's still that reflex inside of him that wants to run to help her, but he pushes it aside. The demon must have granted his wish, time to pay her back in full. He hears her voice drifting over the night air and it stops him short.
"You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late," she says staking the poor bastard, "you're going to get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn?"
As the vampire turns to ash, Buffy babbles on at him. Something strikes Spike as being very wrong. Those words, this moment, are all too familiar. It takes him seconds to realize just where and when he's seen this all before. He starts to turn, but it's too late. The sharp burn of electricity boils over him and he falls to the ground screaming.
"Not again!"
Darkness pulls him in and the cycle begins anew.
Chapter 1: "The Initiative"
The antiseptic smell tickles his sensitive nose before he opens his eyes. He doesn't need to look. It's not as if he doesn't already know what he's going to see. The oppressively white room is the same one he's seen in a thousand nightmares. He knows better than to try and lean on the glass this time. Spike sits up slowly and pulls his knees up to his forehead.
"Should have known better. I haven't got the brains god gave a lemming. I could have run and then no chip, but here I am again," he mumbles. "As soon as I'm out of here, I'm going back to Africa and rip that bloody demon apart. Even if he won't know why."
There's a mechanical sound above him and he catches the blood packet that drops without even looking. Spike crosses his legs and drops the foul stuff on the floor in front of him.
"Don't drink it. It's drugged," a voice says off to his left.
He snorts at himself and grumbles, "Yeah, yeah."
"It's true. They're going to kill us, you know."
"Not me, mate."
"It happens to all of us. First, they starve you. When you're ready to bite your own arm, they shoot out one of those packets. You drink, and the next thing, you're gone. And that's when they do the experiments."
Spike wants to howl, wants to scream, but he knows it'll do no bloody good. Instead, he looks at the wall beside him and whispers, "Too late."
Things go just as they had once. He plays possum until the idiot lab techs release him from his cell. He remembers making quips the first time, but now he just goes through the motions with quiet determination. He grabs a key card off one of the unconscious scientists even before the other vampire can ask to be released. Not that he cares about doing everything the way it happened before, but a distraction is a distraction. Spike doesn't feel any remorse, after all he's been dusting morons like the one in front of him for the last three years or there abouts. They rush to the exit and it's only seconds later before he's pushing the vampire into the arms of the soldiers. It doesn't take him much longer to escape.
Spike busts his way out of the ventilation shaft back onto the Sunnydale U campus and pauses. He remembers what he did, but he doesn't necessarily have to do that now. Spike knows the extent of the chip, he knows what he can do to survive, but damned if he isn't in the exact same predicament he was three years ago. He's going to have to go back to them. He's going to have to grovel and get chained up, and any number of things that are already making his blood boil.
"Sod it all!" he yells and punches a nearby tree. Spike pants softly and closes his eyes. The soldiers will be coming soon. Calm, he has to stay calm and think. Not going to deal with Buffy, he can't even bear to look at her. Giles? No, the Watcher would stake him in an instant. Harris? Same. Willow? Well, that's how things went last time. She's the most likely to be sympathetic, though, he knows. She'll probably be even more so if he doesn't try to eat her like last time. His mind made up, Spike heads in the direction of the dorms. Of course nobody bloody answers the door and he goes to sit in the stairwell to wait.
He gets impatient waiting and goes to knock on the door three times before he finally hears Willow's voice inviting him in. He steps inside and sees the shock and horror on her face. For a moment, it does him good. It's been a long time since anyone was genuinely scared of him and it draws him up short.
"Spike! Wh-what do you want? Uh, a spell? I can do that," she babbles as she slowly backs away from him.
"Red, Red, calm down. I'm not here to hurt you. I need your help."
"Another spell?"
"No, not another spell. Those soldier types Buffy ran into before put a microchip in my head. I can't hurt people anymore. I'll explain it all to you, but you have to come with me. We can't stay here. The soldiers are going to come to get me, and you might get hurt."
"What? I'm not going anywhere with you. I'll... I'll scream."
"Willow, I just said I couldn’t hurt you, love, please. We're wasting time. You have to take me to the Watcher. I'll be safer there," Spike says trying to sound calm and reasonable.
"No!"
Willow tries to dart past him and he catches her around the waist. She's fighting him something fierce and he tosses her onto the bed. With a deep sigh he switches to game face and lunges toward her throat. The electricity slams across his brain and it feels like his head is going to explode.
"Arrgh! We don't have time for this!" he growls out holding his head. "See? Pain. Please, just please come with me to Giles' house. Grab a cross or a stake or whatever makes you feel better. I won't hurt you. I can't hurt you."
She lies on the bed beneath him and bites her lip. Spike stands up slowly and holds his hand out. A moment passes before she reaches up to take it. She pulls a stake and a cross out of a chest that sits under Buffy's bed. Spike hurries her out of the room and out the back way. They move quickly and he can tell the pace is worrying her.
"They've got patrols all over. We're going to have to avoid them as best we can," he explains.
"How did this happen?"
"It's a really long story. I'd rather wait to tell it to all of you. Though, I doubt anyone will believe me."
She lapses into silence again. It doesn't sit right with him. He's so used to her babbling away like a brook. He remembers how somber she was just after he got chipped the first time. The wolf having left her, he had felt a sort of kinship. He had just lost Dru, so he understood.
"He's not good enough for you, you know."
"What?" Her dark eyes look at him in surprise.
"Wolfboy. I know it's hard right now, Willow, but I know for a fact you're going to be happy again. Happier even."
She looks disturbed that he of all people is giving her a pep talk. He's a little disturbed himself. He went to the demon to get the chip out so that he could destroy Buffy and her friends, but things change. Or at least they will this time around.
They reach the Watcher's safely. They’re a couple of feet from the door when it swings open. Buffy stands in the doorway surprised. Spike stops and quickly steps behind Willow.
"Buffy!" she yelps and starts for the door, but Spike grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her back. He has to think quickly or he's going to end up dusted. He hadn't expected her to be here. He was going to try to work on Giles' logic first.
"Spike!" Buffy yells and steps forward stake raised. "Let her go."
"Calm down, Buffy. No one needs to get hurt here." Willow is fighting him a bit and he winces at a warning jolt from the chip. "Settle down, Red. Remember my promise."
Giles and Xander follow up behind Buffy. It doesn't look good. It doesn't look good at all.
"Stop! I come in peace."
"Well, you're leaving in pieces, dusty ones. Let Willow go," Buffy barks at him.
"I want a truce, like before."
"After what you did?"
It takes him a moment before he remembers the Gem of Amara fiasco. "That wasn't me. Well, it was, but... Please, just listen, okay! Willow, tell them what happened in the dorm."
"He said the soldiers put a chip in him so he can't hurt people. He tried to eat me but then he yelled and grabbed his head. He's being all...nice. I think he's up to something."
"Oi!"
"Let Wills go!" Harris yells from behind Buffy.
"Alright, listen. Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to let Willow go. Then I'm going to go over there and sit on the fountain. I'll stay over here and you all stay over there. I'll explain everything. Giles?"
The others look to the Watcher and Spike prays the man is curious enough to know what's going on. Giles nods and Spike takes his hand off of Willow. She scampers over to Harris and they all stare at him. He sighs and goes to sit on the fountain. A quick search of the duster pockets comes up with a pack of cigarettes. He lights one and begins his story.
"I've already done this before. Three years ago, my time, I got a microchip implanted in my brain thanks to the bloody Initiative. That's the name of the soldiers running around your school, ducks. Oh, by the way, your little boytoy Riley is one of the higher ups."
"Boytoy? I hardly know Riley!"
"For now. Anyway, I can't hurt humans. I can kill demons though. I started out helping you lot doing the white hat bit for some dosh and blood. Excitement, excitement, apocalypse, apocalypse, three years goes by. I'm not exactly one of the gang, but I help you out often enough. Then... something bad happened. So, I went to Africa to see this demon. He's supposed to grant you a wish if you pass his trials. I passed them. I wanted him to get the chip out, but instead he sends me back in time. Next thing I know, I get caught by the Initiative again and it starts all over. So here I am three years the wiser." He pauses to blow smoke over his shoulder before continuing. "I know every trial you guys are going to face for the next three years. I can help you nip every bad guy in the bud. All you got to do is keep me from falling back into Riley and his buddies' hands."
Giles pulls off his glasses. "You expect us to believe any of this?"
"Believe what you want. It's the truth. I suppose if you guys don't believe me, I can go down to LA and see the poof. Or, no, considering what the me that was here before I got sent back just did to him. Bloody hell! If you don't help me those Initiative bastards are going to experiment on me some more. They're probably already making an uber demon soldier called Adam. He's going to be your next big time apocalypse baddie. But your next problem is... Thanksgiving is next week?"
"That's right," Willow says quickly.
"Right. Joyce is going out of town and Buffy is going to make Thanksgiving dinner here. Only this Chumash Indian spirit busts in and tries to kill her. Xander gets syphilis from him or something."
"Syphilis!"
Spike smiles at Harris. "Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy."
"How does the spirit get released?" Giles asks.
"Giles! You aren't seriously believing him, are you?"
"Buffy, until we can prove what he's saying isn't true, we have to take these threats seriously. I'm sure there is something that Spike is getting out of this, but if the threats are real it's your duty to stop them no matter how we got the information. Spike, answer the question."
"I don't know! I was tied to a chair and had arrows shot at me. Ask Harris!"
"I don't know what he's talking about!" Xander squawks.
"Listen, we can sit out here debating this all bleeding night and letting the whole neighborhood know, or we can go in, sit down, and talk about this like adults. I promise I'm not going to hurt anyone."
"What good is the promise of a soulless demon?" Buffy asks with a glare.
Spike refuses to look at her and says softly, "Better than yours."
He looks Giles in the eye and waits. Finally, the Watcher nods and the others file back inside. Spike puts out his cigarette and walks to the door. He places his hand on the barrier and waits.
"Come in, Spike," Giles says formally.
Spike steps in and tries not to let the defeat show on his face, but he knows his shoulders are slumped a bit. They say hell is repeating your mistakes. That might be true, but he's certainly going to try to keep that from happening. After all, this time he knows better.
Title: If I Knew Then...
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG to NC17
Disclaimer: All assorted characters belong to Mutant Enemy and Joss which is fine, because I suspect Buffy's high maintenance anyway.
Summary: AU-The African demon in Grave grants Spike's wish in a way he never planned. Flung back in time, he has to relive the previous three years with all the knowledge of what's to come.
A/N: These were originally betaed with love by blinding_sight. Certain bits of dialogue are taken from the following BtVS episodes.
Prologue-- 6:22 Grave, 4:6 Wild at Heart
Chapter 1-- 4:7 The Initiative
Prologue: "Gravely Wild at Heart"
"You have endured the required trials."
"Bloody right I have," he groans and slowly rolls to his feet. "So you'll give me what I want. I'll be back to what I was. They'll get what they deserve. Buffy and her bleedin' Scoobies."
"Very well," the demon says with an ominous pause. Spike looks up at him with confusion. The demon smiles. "You'll go back."
Before he can take a breath to speak, a light blinds him and the gruesome grin before him bleeds away into the all-encompassing light. The brightness slowly fades and Spike rubs at his watery eyes. It takes him a few precious seconds to adjust to the darkness again. The cave and demon are gone. Instead, he stands outside in the night. The smells around him, the grass under his feet, and even the cool breeze let him know he's not in Africa anymore.
"What the?" he whispers. A quick movement in the distance catches his attention and then he sees her, Buffy with a vamp hot on her heels. His stomach tightens at the sight of her. There are so many emotions warring within him when he looks at her. Love, hate, remorse, anger... oh yes, there is anger. There's still that reflex inside of him that wants to run to help her, but he pushes it aside. The demon must have granted his wish, time to pay her back in full. He hears her voice drifting over the night air and it stops him short.
"You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late," she says staking the poor bastard, "you're going to get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn?"
As the vampire turns to ash, Buffy babbles on at him. Something strikes Spike as being very wrong. Those words, this moment, are all too familiar. It takes him seconds to realize just where and when he's seen this all before. He starts to turn, but it's too late. The sharp burn of electricity boils over him and he falls to the ground screaming.
"Not again!"
Darkness pulls him in and the cycle begins anew.
Chapter 1: "The Initiative"
The antiseptic smell tickles his sensitive nose before he opens his eyes. He doesn't need to look. It's not as if he doesn't already know what he's going to see. The oppressively white room is the same one he's seen in a thousand nightmares. He knows better than to try and lean on the glass this time. Spike sits up slowly and pulls his knees up to his forehead.
"Should have known better. I haven't got the brains god gave a lemming. I could have run and then no chip, but here I am again," he mumbles. "As soon as I'm out of here, I'm going back to Africa and rip that bloody demon apart. Even if he won't know why."
There's a mechanical sound above him and he catches the blood packet that drops without even looking. Spike crosses his legs and drops the foul stuff on the floor in front of him.
"Don't drink it. It's drugged," a voice says off to his left.
He snorts at himself and grumbles, "Yeah, yeah."
"It's true. They're going to kill us, you know."
"Not me, mate."
"It happens to all of us. First, they starve you. When you're ready to bite your own arm, they shoot out one of those packets. You drink, and the next thing, you're gone. And that's when they do the experiments."
Spike wants to howl, wants to scream, but he knows it'll do no bloody good. Instead, he looks at the wall beside him and whispers, "Too late."
Things go just as they had once. He plays possum until the idiot lab techs release him from his cell. He remembers making quips the first time, but now he just goes through the motions with quiet determination. He grabs a key card off one of the unconscious scientists even before the other vampire can ask to be released. Not that he cares about doing everything the way it happened before, but a distraction is a distraction. Spike doesn't feel any remorse, after all he's been dusting morons like the one in front of him for the last three years or there abouts. They rush to the exit and it's only seconds later before he's pushing the vampire into the arms of the soldiers. It doesn't take him much longer to escape.
Spike busts his way out of the ventilation shaft back onto the Sunnydale U campus and pauses. He remembers what he did, but he doesn't necessarily have to do that now. Spike knows the extent of the chip, he knows what he can do to survive, but damned if he isn't in the exact same predicament he was three years ago. He's going to have to go back to them. He's going to have to grovel and get chained up, and any number of things that are already making his blood boil.
"Sod it all!" he yells and punches a nearby tree. Spike pants softly and closes his eyes. The soldiers will be coming soon. Calm, he has to stay calm and think. Not going to deal with Buffy, he can't even bear to look at her. Giles? No, the Watcher would stake him in an instant. Harris? Same. Willow? Well, that's how things went last time. She's the most likely to be sympathetic, though, he knows. She'll probably be even more so if he doesn't try to eat her like last time. His mind made up, Spike heads in the direction of the dorms. Of course nobody bloody answers the door and he goes to sit in the stairwell to wait.
He gets impatient waiting and goes to knock on the door three times before he finally hears Willow's voice inviting him in. He steps inside and sees the shock and horror on her face. For a moment, it does him good. It's been a long time since anyone was genuinely scared of him and it draws him up short.
"Spike! Wh-what do you want? Uh, a spell? I can do that," she babbles as she slowly backs away from him.
"Red, Red, calm down. I'm not here to hurt you. I need your help."
"Another spell?"
"No, not another spell. Those soldier types Buffy ran into before put a microchip in my head. I can't hurt people anymore. I'll explain it all to you, but you have to come with me. We can't stay here. The soldiers are going to come to get me, and you might get hurt."
"What? I'm not going anywhere with you. I'll... I'll scream."
"Willow, I just said I couldn’t hurt you, love, please. We're wasting time. You have to take me to the Watcher. I'll be safer there," Spike says trying to sound calm and reasonable.
"No!"
Willow tries to dart past him and he catches her around the waist. She's fighting him something fierce and he tosses her onto the bed. With a deep sigh he switches to game face and lunges toward her throat. The electricity slams across his brain and it feels like his head is going to explode.
"Arrgh! We don't have time for this!" he growls out holding his head. "See? Pain. Please, just please come with me to Giles' house. Grab a cross or a stake or whatever makes you feel better. I won't hurt you. I can't hurt you."
She lies on the bed beneath him and bites her lip. Spike stands up slowly and holds his hand out. A moment passes before she reaches up to take it. She pulls a stake and a cross out of a chest that sits under Buffy's bed. Spike hurries her out of the room and out the back way. They move quickly and he can tell the pace is worrying her.
"They've got patrols all over. We're going to have to avoid them as best we can," he explains.
"How did this happen?"
"It's a really long story. I'd rather wait to tell it to all of you. Though, I doubt anyone will believe me."
She lapses into silence again. It doesn't sit right with him. He's so used to her babbling away like a brook. He remembers how somber she was just after he got chipped the first time. The wolf having left her, he had felt a sort of kinship. He had just lost Dru, so he understood.
"He's not good enough for you, you know."
"What?" Her dark eyes look at him in surprise.
"Wolfboy. I know it's hard right now, Willow, but I know for a fact you're going to be happy again. Happier even."
She looks disturbed that he of all people is giving her a pep talk. He's a little disturbed himself. He went to the demon to get the chip out so that he could destroy Buffy and her friends, but things change. Or at least they will this time around.
They reach the Watcher's safely. They’re a couple of feet from the door when it swings open. Buffy stands in the doorway surprised. Spike stops and quickly steps behind Willow.
"Buffy!" she yelps and starts for the door, but Spike grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her back. He has to think quickly or he's going to end up dusted. He hadn't expected her to be here. He was going to try to work on Giles' logic first.
"Spike!" Buffy yells and steps forward stake raised. "Let her go."
"Calm down, Buffy. No one needs to get hurt here." Willow is fighting him a bit and he winces at a warning jolt from the chip. "Settle down, Red. Remember my promise."
Giles and Xander follow up behind Buffy. It doesn't look good. It doesn't look good at all.
"Stop! I come in peace."
"Well, you're leaving in pieces, dusty ones. Let Willow go," Buffy barks at him.
"I want a truce, like before."
"After what you did?"
It takes him a moment before he remembers the Gem of Amara fiasco. "That wasn't me. Well, it was, but... Please, just listen, okay! Willow, tell them what happened in the dorm."
"He said the soldiers put a chip in him so he can't hurt people. He tried to eat me but then he yelled and grabbed his head. He's being all...nice. I think he's up to something."
"Oi!"
"Let Wills go!" Harris yells from behind Buffy.
"Alright, listen. Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to let Willow go. Then I'm going to go over there and sit on the fountain. I'll stay over here and you all stay over there. I'll explain everything. Giles?"
The others look to the Watcher and Spike prays the man is curious enough to know what's going on. Giles nods and Spike takes his hand off of Willow. She scampers over to Harris and they all stare at him. He sighs and goes to sit on the fountain. A quick search of the duster pockets comes up with a pack of cigarettes. He lights one and begins his story.
"I've already done this before. Three years ago, my time, I got a microchip implanted in my brain thanks to the bloody Initiative. That's the name of the soldiers running around your school, ducks. Oh, by the way, your little boytoy Riley is one of the higher ups."
"Boytoy? I hardly know Riley!"
"For now. Anyway, I can't hurt humans. I can kill demons though. I started out helping you lot doing the white hat bit for some dosh and blood. Excitement, excitement, apocalypse, apocalypse, three years goes by. I'm not exactly one of the gang, but I help you out often enough. Then... something bad happened. So, I went to Africa to see this demon. He's supposed to grant you a wish if you pass his trials. I passed them. I wanted him to get the chip out, but instead he sends me back in time. Next thing I know, I get caught by the Initiative again and it starts all over. So here I am three years the wiser." He pauses to blow smoke over his shoulder before continuing. "I know every trial you guys are going to face for the next three years. I can help you nip every bad guy in the bud. All you got to do is keep me from falling back into Riley and his buddies' hands."
Giles pulls off his glasses. "You expect us to believe any of this?"
"Believe what you want. It's the truth. I suppose if you guys don't believe me, I can go down to LA and see the poof. Or, no, considering what the me that was here before I got sent back just did to him. Bloody hell! If you don't help me those Initiative bastards are going to experiment on me some more. They're probably already making an uber demon soldier called Adam. He's going to be your next big time apocalypse baddie. But your next problem is... Thanksgiving is next week?"
"That's right," Willow says quickly.
"Right. Joyce is going out of town and Buffy is going to make Thanksgiving dinner here. Only this Chumash Indian spirit busts in and tries to kill her. Xander gets syphilis from him or something."
"Syphilis!"
Spike smiles at Harris. "Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy."
"How does the spirit get released?" Giles asks.
"Giles! You aren't seriously believing him, are you?"
"Buffy, until we can prove what he's saying isn't true, we have to take these threats seriously. I'm sure there is something that Spike is getting out of this, but if the threats are real it's your duty to stop them no matter how we got the information. Spike, answer the question."
"I don't know! I was tied to a chair and had arrows shot at me. Ask Harris!"
"I don't know what he's talking about!" Xander squawks.
"Listen, we can sit out here debating this all bleeding night and letting the whole neighborhood know, or we can go in, sit down, and talk about this like adults. I promise I'm not going to hurt anyone."
"What good is the promise of a soulless demon?" Buffy asks with a glare.
Spike refuses to look at her and says softly, "Better than yours."
He looks Giles in the eye and waits. Finally, the Watcher nods and the others file back inside. Spike puts out his cigarette and walks to the door. He places his hand on the barrier and waits.
"Come in, Spike," Giles says formally.
Spike steps in and tries not to let the defeat show on his face, but he knows his shoulders are slumped a bit. They say hell is repeating your mistakes. That might be true, but he's certainly going to try to keep that from happening. After all, this time he knows better.