MacCaps Season 1 Episode 2: The Golden Triangle
Well, it's been a while since my last recap. I got a little distracted. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up with these better. Once a week would be nice. So here we have episode two where MacGyver ends up sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and has to help fix the mess he's made. So pretty much par for the course.
Previously on MacGyver, Episode 1
MacCap Season 1 Episode 2: The Golden Triangle
We open on a cigarette getting stomped on by shoe. This is a metaphor for my life, but I'm sure that doesn't interest you. The camera pans up to see a black briefcase with a handcuff hanging off of it. Um, you're supposed to actually wear the cuff. I mean the reason they put those cuffs on the cases is so no one can take them. I have a feeling MacGyver's going to end up making this guy feel really dumb before our opening gambit is over. It's what he does, after all. Stupid Briefcase Guy is waiting around in a junkyard and doesn't stand out in such a setting with his fancy suit at all. No wonder Mac seems to know he's the bad guy.
Mac starts up on his Pointless Voiceover as per usual. I'm amused at how his stealth ability still hasn't improved. Well, I have to give him points for at least wearing colors that blend in this time, but his sneaking still needs a little work. Another car drives up with more dumb bad guys. They immediately look at what SBG has for them. And I take a moment to laugh at the bright red folder which Mac's PVO lets us know contains secret missile launch codes. Mac knocks over a pile of tires as a distraction, and the bad guys react by leaving the folder inside its briefcase on top of the car while they walk around doing some bad acting with big guns. So it's no surprise to me when the junkyard's electromagnet drops down and scoops the case off the top of the car. Considering how powerful those magnets are, how come it didn't pick up the car too? But again, I find myself using logic when I should just be watching the show. SBG loses his gun to the magnet too. Yeah, because I run at large magnets with metal weapons and hope for the best myself. Of course, we see Mac at the crane's controls. He drops the case and gun and quickly retrieves them in time to get shot at. Mac tosses the gun inside a near by car and runs away. SBG easily retrieves the gun. Good job, Mac. Couldn't you have just taken it with you and tossed it somewhere they weren't looking right at? The PVO continues as Mac plays cat and mouse with the bad guys all through the junkyard. I marvel at how badly the bad guys are acting, but figure they're probably just getting hung up on the show logic like I am. Mac escapes two of the guys by hiding in an old car. Only to walk around a corner into the third one and get the crap knocked out of him. He's so losing more stealth points for that.
Mac wakes up in a car. He peers out to one side to see the bad guys, and then out the other to see a big tractor plowing towards him. Oops. He doesn't get out of the car in time. And the tractor hefts the car up, dumping it in one of those car crusher things. The vehicle looks relatively new. I think it's SBG's car. How is he getting home? Mac struggles with the backseat and manages to get into the trunk away from the front end of the car that's getting crushed. He finds a tire iron in the trunk, lucky him, and uses it to get the trunk open and escape. The bad guys don't see him slipping out of the back of the crusher and they hop in the other vehicle. Well, it's nice of the guys to give SBG a lift, I must say.
We next get a camera shot from the tractor's perspective as it drives toward the bad guys' car. We see that Mac is driving. He uses the tractor to pick up the car and then wedge it against a post. Mac hops out of the tractor completely unconcerned that those guys still have guns. They don't bother shooting him though as he walks over to the post where a phone is mounted. Perhaps they're less critical than I am and are actually impressed with his stealth skills. Who knows? Mac gets on the phone and says, "Yeah it's MacGyver," um shouldn't they know that? "You know that diplomatic security case that you guys put me on a while back?" How long did it take him to find these guys anyway? "Well, I got it and the boys that took it. Yeah, want to come pick them up? I just did." That's great Mac, now they're going to think you got them at a bar. Way to out yourself to the military, you dork.
And credits. Stuff happens as it is wont to do on this show. I click it over to fast forward, and hey the credits are a lot more entertaining at 2x speed! Even the theme music is more exciting.
We come back to MacGyver lying on the beach. RDA fans rejoice at sweaty shirtless man meat. I notice that Mac's getting a little over done. Time to flip, Mac, and never forget the importance of sun screen. We get yet another PVO about Alexander Graham Bell or some such nonsense. This leads us to a shot of a shadowy three star general. I can't tell if he's Army or Air Force because the sun is behind him. He has a commanding sort of voice and MacGyver has a look on his face like, "George?" But no, I'm getting ahead of myself, that won't happen for years yet.
Anyway, shadowy general does is own VO when he asks if Mac has ever been to Burma. He continues to talk over lovely vistas of misty mountain jungles. "[In Burma] There's just two kind of people," the VO says, "Opium bandits and the people they hold as slaves." Mac quips that "It sounds like you're sending me to a real nice neighborhood." I think he just has a case of voiceover envy. Apparently, the government lost a cargo plane in the jungle. Amongst the stuff is a canister of heavy duty poison. "Enough to destroy a thousand acres of plant life, animals, and," dramatic pause, "people." Mac still with the VO envy, "And you'd kind of like to have it back?" The shadowy general, that in no way reminds me of Hammond on Stargate, tells him, "Get it if you can. Destroy it if you have to." Um, how is he going to do that without wiping out Burma, Mr. Gloom and Doom? This whole conversation is being cut over shots of Mac making his way through the heavy jungle looking like he's never held a machete in his life. I can't decide which is funnier. The last of shadowy general's VO tells us that there will be an extraction chopper twenty-four hours after they drop Mac off, and that there will be no other rescues after that. Guess that canister isn't as important as we thought, huh? At least I'm firm in the knowledge that George doesn't leave people behind, no matter if shadowy general does.
We see a line of locals being led through the jungle by some pathetic looking guards. Mac hides in some bamboo and PVOs that slavery is bad. Yeah, we knew that, Mac, thanks. We see our future guest stars and we know that because the camera lingers on them. There is an older, wise looking gentleman being helped by a cute kid with a red baseball cap on, behind them is a pretty, young woman with a pink shirt on, and bringing up the rear is the strong silent type. As they round the bend, grandpa looses his footing and hits the ground. The others try to help him and they all catch the guard's notice. The guard here is a portly dumbass that just screams flunky. He's not intimidating at all. He slaps a bamboo stick into his palm in the least menacing way possible. The others cower in fear. When he brings the stick up to take a swing, the pretty young thing jumps in the way. In some astonishingly bad acting, the guard (who I've decided to name Dumpling because he looks like he's had a few too many) stops the strike in midair and runs the stick down the girl's arm. Dumpling obviously doesn't get out much if he thinks this is how you impress women. Everyone else looks away in disgust, mostly because they know this guy couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag.
Before any more bad acting can occur, the local Head Man runs up asking if there is trouble. Hey! It's Clyde Kusatsu who you'll recognize if you've ever watched TV in the eighties. He's been in everything. Dumpling throws a fit and stomps off to his trailer. The others help up grandpa, but it's not much longer before he falls again. Old people are funny that way. Dumpling comes running back. There is a limb between him and the ball cap kid. The kid, in true Dennis the Menace form, pulls back the limb and ends up smacking Dumpling in his fat ass. The kid takes a runner with Dumpling giving chase. The kid darts through the jungle and as he rounds a tree, Mac jumps out and grabs him. I suddenly fear that our hero has an unhealthy obsession with young boys. It's not helped by the way that Mac covers the kid's mouth to keep him from talking. Dumpling runs past and seems to be having a little trouble. He looks around and runs off in another direction. Mac lets the kid go and then asks him about the baseball hat. The kid nods and hilariously runs away. I guess he knows a pervert when he sees one. Mac gives chase and stops him before he gets to far...by throwing him to the ground. Yeah, way to win friends and influence people, Mac. He gives the kid a little indignant speech. The kid seems ashamed and asks Mac who he is. Mac introduces himself and they shake hands. The kid tells us his name is Chan and then apologizes. Mac asks where he got the hat, and Chan agrees to show him.
As they walk, Mac asks about Dumpling and Chan gives him the skinny or the fatty as the case may be. We find out Dumpling's name, not that I care, and that he works for someone called General Narai. He's the guy making the locals work in the poppy fields. Chan says, "They say General Narai is not human. They say he drinks blood. They say he watches Big Trouble In Little China too much." I may have added that last part.
The two of them make it to the downed plane, only to find that it's empty. As Mac gets out of the wreckage, he gets smacked by Dumpling, which has just got to be embarrassing. One of the other guards has Chan. They bring Mac into camp hanging from a bamboo pole. I refrain from yelling out, "Tell them you're a god, Mac! It worked for 3PO!" The village watches as Mac gets questioned by Dumpling. "I know who you are and what you are doing here, so do not lie!" Dumpling says and then plays a guessing game as to Mac's nationality. Mac is a smartass and gets smacked, as you do. Dumpling guesses that Mac is a narcotics agent. I take a moment to wonder why all these Burmese people are speaking English, but realize this is 80's TV and subtitles are only for Kung Fu movies. Dumpling does some more bad acting before someone informs him that the general is coming.
A helicopter lands and everyone scrambles to make a good impression on the boss. General Narai gets out, and apparently he pilots his own helicopter. He hasn't yet figured out that you're supposed to have people for that. But then again, he has Dumpling as an overseer so he's probably still new to all this. We get our first look of Narai and his snazzy dress sense. He resembles a short gay Asian mechanic more than a drug lord. It might just be the neckerchief. Mac gives us another PVO about animal abuse. Whatever, Mac. Narai surveys the villagers before making his way over to MacGyver.
Mac comments on Narai's landing and Dumpling interrupts. "He's a narcotics agent. I made him speak!" he says sounding all proud. Narai turns around and gives Dumpling a look that says, "I'm surprised you could make yourself speak you dumbass." He goes on to ask about his product. Dumpling no longer feeling so superior informs him that only half the harvest is ready. Fortunately for Dumpling, Narai is not as interested in the drugs as he is the weapons from the downed plane. While Narai looks over his goodies, Mac gives the pile of stuff a critical eye picking out things he'll be using later to do his thing on. Try and see if you can guess what he's going to do with the stuff they show. I never can. Among the items is the canister that Mac's been sent after. Narai has a little happy over his new weapons. "Good. Very good. My helicopter will become a gunship, a powerful weapon," he says a little feyly. Good to know he's all about the accessorizing.
Narai asks Mac why he's there, to which Mac replies, "Tourist?" Narai and Dumpling laugh. Narai says, "I like a sense of humor. It shows spirit. I'm also not above long walks on the beach or quiet nights by the fire." Or maybe he doesn’t. Narai stops laughing quickly and looks at Dumpling. He says, "Five days and my caravan will come here to pick up the opium." Oh! So he's part of a circus. Well, that makes more sense. Narai continues by starting to threaten Dumpling if he's not ready. Dumpling being the big coward he is automatically starts making excuses and blaming the help. Narai calls for the Head Man and asks him if Dumpling is right. HM does some good brown nosing, but Narai isn't impressed. Instead he does a little bad guy speech about how he's there to protect the villagers etc, etc, threateningcakes. Narai decides to leave them an example my staking Mac out in the sun without food or water. I'm not sure that watching a white guy die is good for production, but perhaps they have different business practices in Burma. Mac looks none too happy about this development right before we fade to black.
We come back to Mac tied down spread eagle on some sort of bamboo bed frame. That doesn't look like punishment... That looks like some kind of kinky bondage that an archaeologist would think up. Ahem. Anyway, Mac is frying like a fritter and yet still has enough energy for a PVO about his mom's broiled chicken. Mmm...chicken. We get the obligatory shot of the hot sun. I don't know what Mac is complaining about. I mean he was lying out in the sun at the beginning of this. Plus, he had a twenty-four hour time limit so he could only have been tied to that thing for a couple of hours. I mean, if he'd been out there a couple of days, sure, but right now all he should be fighting is some sunburn. Of course, all this could have been avoided if he'd brushed up on his stealth skills.
Chan and the pretty young thing come out of the jungle. We find out that her name is Lin and that she's Chan's sister. There's something about the casual way that Mac says 'Hi' that makes me laugh. Lin tells him that everyone is grateful, but they can't cut Mac loose because the villagers will be killed if they help him. She finishes by saying, "We have no way to fight him." Chan jumps in and says, "I will fight." Yeah, let me know how that goes for you, kid. Mac is more optimistic because he's a friend to kids everywhere. One of the guards shows up which sends Chan and Lin scurrying away. Mac does his usual quips to the guard who is unimpressed. The guard moves over to the shade and lights up a cigar.
We cut back to the village where everyone is having fun with opium. Dumpling is marching around yelling at everyone to work faster. He passes by Lin and the strong silent type. Dumpling says, "Work faster Ming, you lazy boy" which provides us with strong silent's name. I'd hardly call this guy a boy. He looks at least thirty, but who knows, maybe Dumpling's just got a thing for him. We see Chan coming up to Lin looking like he's up to something. And in fact, he is because he shows her MacGyver's Swiss Army Knife. Lin wants to know where he got it, and Chan tells her that he swiped it from the guard house. Nice to know that American influence on other cultures is still going strong. Chan gives Mac the knife...heh...Mac the knife. The guard appears to be taking a nap against the tree. It takes talent or military service to learn how to sleep standing up.
Again a shot of the village and Ming working. Dumpling orders one of the other guards to relieve Mac's guard. When he comes up, he sees that all is in order, Mac's tied up and the first guard is leaning against a tree. Then he sees the SAK lying on the ground, shining in the sun. Oh, don't fall for it dude! But of course the dumb guard doesn't listen to me and goes over to pick up the knife. The moment he bends down, Mac rolls off the bondage bed and smacks him one. Mac retrieves his knife and heads over to the first guard who was unconscious and tied to the tree with Mac's belt. Belt and knife in hand, Mac goes off to save the day, or whatever.
In the village, Ming and some of his buddies are loading the opium up into a truck with Dumpling whining in the background. As they turn away, Dumpling pokes Ming in the chest with his stick. He then says, "For a second I thought you were truly stupid, boy." Huh? Dumpling, you need to let the other actors have time to react before you say your lines. Otherwise we have no idea what you're talking about. Ming turns away supposedly looking downtrodden, but really looking bored. Dumpling lifts Ming's chin up with his stick and asks him if he's stupid. Look inward, Dumpling, look inward. Dumpling walks away laughing while Ming gives an angry look and considers calling his agent.
We see Mac using those mad stealth skills to sneak back into the village. Needing a distraction, he opens the gate on the pig pen. Of course nothing happens because pigs aren't like horses. They're too busy rooting around the pen to notice that they're free. Mac looks a little confused by this. Apparently he never grew up on a farm. He scurries to the back of the pen and starts scaring the pigs out. He starts up a PVO about greased pigs, but after that bondage scene earlier, I won't touch it with a ten foot pole. The villagers all come running to herd the pigs back into the pen. Dumpling and a guard watch amused.
Mac slips under the parachute covering the stuff from the downed plane. He retrieves the canister of poison, and while he's looking around finds some pen flares. I didn't even know they made pen sized flares. Mac looks interested as well. He rigs up an inflatable raft and inflatable life jacket with some rope or something and PVOs about using the tire and the pen flare as a delayed fuse. Mac pulls the rip cord on the inflatable life jacket and scurries out. He stashes the canister in a safe spot. Meanwhile his little distraction is getting noticed. The life jacket inflating pulls the cord on the boat. The boat inflates which sends the parachute covering the goods flying. Dumpling and his sidekick notice. The ropes around the boat pull taught, the flare gets ignited, and the tire blows up.
We see Mac pole vaulting to take out a guard before jumping into a jeep. Why he couldn't just punch the guy, I don't know. He sets the jeep in motion with guns going off around him and then bales out. Mac does this really great roll and fires off one of the pen flares. It's so cool, that it ends up in the credits, my friend. The flare blows up the jeep, don't ask me how, or why. Mac runs to the next vehicle which is a large truck. He jumps in as Dumpling fires at him. We hear Lin's voice say, "Ming, he needs help." Ming come bursting out of one of the cottages and tackles Dumpling's sidekick. Lin looks out from the window and from her expression I can tell that Ming's going to be getting some tonight. Dumpling is still shooting at Mac who is driving the truck in circles around the village. Dumpling dives into one of the houses for cover, but Mac, uncaring about property damage, barrels the truck into the house. This doesn't do a bit of good, because we see Dumpling jump out completely unharmed. He has lost his pistol though and makes a run for it. Mac is stuck in the truck by some debris and by the time he gets loose, Dumpling is long gone. I didn't realize the dork could run so fast. Oh well, cowards always make excellent sprinters.
Mac comes back to see all the villagers staring at him. He says, "Well, I guess that's it then. Now you're free." For a smart guy, Mac's a little dumb sometimes. Grandpa points out that Dumpling will get to Narai's convoy and that they're likely all screwed now. Thanks so much, white guy. Head Man yells, "You! You have destroyed us all!" I think he's just pissed 'cause it was probably his house that Mac just demolished. The music cue picks up and we see Mac with an expression that can only be summed up as "whoops," and we fade to black.
When we return, Mac has retrieved his container o' bad stuff. The villagers are still trying to figure out what to do. Lin asks him if he can teach them to use the guards' machine guns. Mac replies, "No, I don't think so. It takes a couple of weeks or so to train a soldier how to use a rifle." I snicker madly. Funny how that never stopped the A-Team from turning perfectly normal citizens into Rambo in three easy steps. Head Man politely suggests that the crazy white man should take a walk, only with a lot of yelling and not so nice. Ming lays down some fortune cookie comment that has everyone nodding and me scratching my head. Partly because it makes no sense, and partly because he has no accent whatsoever. He sounds like he's from the Midwest, it's freaky. Head Man is still snapping at everyone and now I'm sure that was his house. Mac tells them that they have to decide what they're going to do. He says, "I promised a man that I'd do a job for him, and that's what I've gotta do. I've got a chopper to meet." With this less than thrilling line, Mac walks away. If you believe this is where the show ends, you don't know Mac. Heh.
Chan looks crushed as Head Man starts talking about begging Narai for forgiveness. We see the chopper coming in to land, stirring up a lot of dust. Chan has run after and his weeping his little boyhood heart out. Someone is blowing smoke at him to simulate the chopper dust and the poor kid looks miserable. The shot of Mac getting on the chopper is obscured by dust. The chopper takes off, the air clears, and yeah, you guessed it, Mac is standing there with a grin. Chan runs to him all excited, and I start to get that creepy disturbing feeling again. There is hugging, which doesn't help.
We cut back to the village where everyone is still having a pow-wow. Ming is listing his resume for some reason. Head Man is not impressed. He probably wants better references. Lin backs up her man. Head Man still isn't having it and says, "This is a useless conversation. We have no means to fight and you're great hope MacGyver is gone." Of course that's when we hear Chan yell, "Grandfather, look! MacGyver is back!" Hee. Poor Head Man gets no respect. Mac gives his best All-American grin. He walks up and asks what they've decided. Mac says, "You going to keep peeling poppies, or are we going to give this fashion plate Narai a run for his money?" So Mac likes Narai's fashion sense. I wonder if he likes long walks on the beach too?
Ming looks up and says, "Teach me to be a soldier, MacGyver." I giggle. The guy has better English than RDA. Head Man gets another dig in, but nobody pays him any attention as usual. He marches off to, I don't know, prop his house up or something. Mac says they only have a few hours to prepare. I suddenly realize that Mac had a twenty-four hour deadline and yet it hasn't been night once. Is the sun always up in Burma? Anyway, Ming wants to know what they're going to do since they don't have time to, *snort*, learn how to shoot automatic weapons. Mac replies, "Oh, I have a couple of ideas."
We see Ming and some other men hoisting up a tree branch. Head Man is helping, but he's still pissy. Mac gives one of the women a mirror to signal when the convoy approaches. They hear a helicopter and hide. Narai is just doing a fly over to see what's what, but he doesn't land. More preparing. Mac PVO's that "This is how you cut the bandits down to size. Teamwork." I cringe...a lot. We see Chan filling a bowl with ashes from one of the cooking fires. He then passes several women knelt down by a couple of long pieces of bamboo. One of the women using an old fashioned handmade drill to poke holes into the bamboo. Mac PVOs that "The women and children are cooking up a bamboo buffet. A giant wooden flute filled with fire ash and rice alcohol. Guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes." Yeah okay.
Somewhere else, Ming and some of the local boys are moving a log into the road. Mac runs up in a tank top looking all sweaty with handkerchief headband wrapped around his head. It's a little eighties, but still quite an attractive look for him. He asks grandpa how things are going and gramps tells him that he used to set up traps like the one their making when he was a boy. Mac tells him, "That's why you're in charge." Way to make the elderly feel included. I'm glad it's not just kids that MacGyver embraces. ...Okay, I just gave myself that creepy feeling again by accident. They go on to discuss Ming becoming a man or something. I think that's more Lin's doing than MacGyver's, but hey. Ming is handing out the machine guns, and those guys look like professional mercenaries when they hold them. I laugh again at 'needing weeks' to learn how to use a rifle, but then again, these people didn't grow up with cable like I did. We get an obligatory shot of Ming looking proud, or constipated, one or the other.
Scene change to three poor guys digging a pit. Oh wait! Head Man is one of them. Hee! They really must not like him, if they keep giving him all the dirty jobs. The poor guy still has to rebuild his house later. Mac runs by to check on their progress. Funny how the yellow man is working his ass off while the white man is running around "supervising." It's almost like real life. Bastards. Lin asks Mac if the pit is deep enough, and he tells her it's perfect. She says, "They can see it though." To which he replies, "That's what makes it perfect." I can't decide if Mac is Wiley Coyote or Road Runner.
Back to the village and the fire ash filled bamboo is getting buried across 'main street.' Ming says, "A good day's work. My...people did a good job." Head Man walks across the frame looking disgruntled and Ming and Lin seem amused. They get the signal from mirror lady who is up a tree. This is kind of funny because it looked like an elderly lady that Mac handed the mirror to. I wonder how she got up there and how she'll get down. Mac supposes that they have an hour before Dumpling and the Stooges show up. Dumpling and the Stooges is so the name of my new band, by the way. Lin wants to know what they are going to do. Grandpa nods at Ming who decides they should chow down. "First we eat, then we fight." So the Burmese believe in a last meal. That's nice. The villagers seem to like this idea and everyone heads off to craft services.
We then get a shot of a bunch of jeeps driving through the country side with Dumpling up front. Each Jeep has its own, looks like fifty caliber, mounted machine gun. Mac pops up at the top of a hill and yells down to the caravan. "Uh, it seems only fair to warn you that these folks don't want you guys back here. So if you just want to turn around and go back to where you came from, these folks won't hold a grudge. But I got to warn ya, if you keep on coming, you're liable to have a battle on your hands. So what do ya say?"
Of course, Dumpling pulls out his pistol and starts firing. Mac does this great "whoa!" and diving down to avoid getting shot like the big dummy he is. "These guys are just spoiling for a fight," he says. Yeah, well drug runners are kind of like that. Mac runs off and the caravan continues on. We see Ming peeking out of the bushes and when one of the Jeeps, which is mysteriously alone for no reason, drives up, he throws a rock at them. There is a little comic running away bit from Ming as the Jeep turns off the road to follow. This couldn't be a more obvious trap if they tried. The Jeep guys don't seem to care. Mac PVOs about herpetologists. This makes more sense when we see Chan and one of his little buddies up a tree with sacks. As soon as the Jeep is below them, they drop the contents of the bags which turn out to be full of snakes. Yikes! There's nightmare material for you. The Jeep guys seem to agree as they freak out and promptly drive into a bush. While they're yelling, villagers run up and drag them out of the vehicle.
Mac and Chan jump in and swipe the ride themselves. I stop to wonder if snakes will be a weapon in the next Grand Theft Auto video game, which then makes me think about Hot Coffee, and that in turn gives me the creepy feeling again as I'm thinking about Hot Coffee while Mac is in a car with an underage boy. Ahem. Anyway, Mac goes to put the vehicle in gear and has to pull an albino boa off the gear shift first. Someone needs to explain to him that boas are pretty much harmless. Chan asks him if he's afraid of snakes, and laughs a bit at him. Mac replies, "No, I just don't like being around them." Wuss.
Back to the caravan. Dumpling stops the caravan because he sees a suspiciously square pile of bamboo leaves in the middle of the road. Mac is now PVOing about psychology. Boy would Freud have a field day with him, but I digress. Dumpling signals the caravan to go around the obvious trap. Mac's PVO hints that Dumpling may not be the sharpest crayon in the box. I roll my eyes and wait for the funny. It comes by way of Dumpling's Jeep driving straight into a better camouflaged hole. A second Jeep piles in on top of the first. Mac drives up in his stolen ride and tells Dumpling that, "It can only get worse." Mac looks kind of hot in that Jeep, buddy. Dumpling tells his men to ignore MacGyver and that they're still headed for the village.
We see the log that the village men had moved into the road before. The camera pans across it to a rope half buried in the dirt that leads to a machine gun hidden in a tree. Hey! This is the trick he used in the pilot. Rip off! Mac and grandpa watch from the bushes as Dumpling orders some men to move the log. We get a better shot of several of the machine guns tied upside down to trees along the path. The men pick up the log, which pulls the rope tight, which sets off the machine guns that are pointed towards the ground. This blows out the tires on the Jeeps. We get a funny shot of all the Stooges running for cover in one big pack. They grab their guns, but have nothing to shoot at. All the Jeeps are immobile except for Dumpling's which has somehow missed the barrage. He orders the men to move out on foot. So Dumpling rides while the Stooges walk? Hardly seems fair. Mac peeks out of the bushes and blows a little flute.
This signals Ming who is hiding in a tree. The convoy seems much warier now. The Stooges are huddled around the Jeep just waiting to get picked off. I'm surprised that they haven't bothered to fire off a shot yet. As soon as the Jeep is in position, Ming pulls a rope sending the log from earlier swinging down. It takes out the machine gun on the Jeep and sends everyone diving. Remarkably, no one is injured. After all, the log really isn't all that big. Dumpling realizes he's in way over his head and calls Narai on the radio.
Back in the village we see the bamboo whatever buried in the road. Mac drives up and parks the stolen Jeep. Chan hops in while his snake buddy affixes a pipe to the exhaust with duct tape. The villagers are hiding in their homes when Dumpling and his men enter the village on foot. What they couldn't retrieve the last Jeep? Chan waits until they're almost on top of the bamboo before gunning the engine on the stolen Jeep. A fine mist shoots out of the holes in the bamboo making a type of tear gas. In the confusion, Mac and the villagers run out with handkerchief masks on their faces and overpower the stooges. Dumpling and Ming face off. Dumpling goes back into the smoke to get his gun, but can't see when he gets out. Ming grabs a stick and goes ninja on his ass. The mask helps the image. Mac gives him an approving gesture which makes Ming smile. Lin better keep an eye on her man.
Of course, just when you think they've won, out comes Narai's chopper and starts shooting up the town. Mac dives behind the Jeep to keep from being cut in two. Narai does a couple more passes while Mac digs through the leftovers in the pile o' stuff from earlier trying to find a way to save the day. He grabs the bit of cable piled up and hooks it too the wench on the Jeep. Narai makes another pass and as he's turning the helicopter around, Mac runs up and dives onto one of the skids, hooking the cable to in the process. There is a bit of dangling before he drops off and wenches the helicopter into a landing. Somehow I doubt that little bitty wench could reel in a helicopter, but I forget I'm not supposed to be using logic for this show.
Narai hops out with pistol in hand only to get sucker kicked by Mac. MacGyver goes into a karate stance and he and Narai duke it out. Surprisingly, Mac doesn’t get his ass handed to him. He's just lucky that wasn't Sonny Chiba, let me tell you. Anyway, Narai pops back up and pulls out his riding stick which just happens to be a sword. Not that it does him any good seeing as how he trips over his own helicopter and accidentally stabs himself to death. That could not be any funnier. Mac looks depressed that he didn't get to use his mad karate skills. The villagers slowly filter in. Ming looks at the dead guy and nods. "Now we are free," he says. Well, yeah, until the next drug lord shows up to take Narai's territory. Mac agrees, trying not to think about power vacuums and how they pertain to the drug trade. These people haven't seen The Godfather or Scarface so they wouldn't understand anyway. And how convenient that Narai's chopper is there for Mac to get out of town with, seeing as how General Leave 'Em Behind said there would be no more rescues.
Well, that was...good. (Can you tell I'm being less than sincere?) Anyway, tune in next week where MacGyver rips off Michael Cane in The Italian Job without a Mark Wahlberg in sight!
Previously on MacGyver, Episode 1
MacCap Season 1 Episode 2: The Golden Triangle
We open on a cigarette getting stomped on by shoe. This is a metaphor for my life, but I'm sure that doesn't interest you. The camera pans up to see a black briefcase with a handcuff hanging off of it. Um, you're supposed to actually wear the cuff. I mean the reason they put those cuffs on the cases is so no one can take them. I have a feeling MacGyver's going to end up making this guy feel really dumb before our opening gambit is over. It's what he does, after all. Stupid Briefcase Guy is waiting around in a junkyard and doesn't stand out in such a setting with his fancy suit at all. No wonder Mac seems to know he's the bad guy.
Mac starts up on his Pointless Voiceover as per usual. I'm amused at how his stealth ability still hasn't improved. Well, I have to give him points for at least wearing colors that blend in this time, but his sneaking still needs a little work. Another car drives up with more dumb bad guys. They immediately look at what SBG has for them. And I take a moment to laugh at the bright red folder which Mac's PVO lets us know contains secret missile launch codes. Mac knocks over a pile of tires as a distraction, and the bad guys react by leaving the folder inside its briefcase on top of the car while they walk around doing some bad acting with big guns. So it's no surprise to me when the junkyard's electromagnet drops down and scoops the case off the top of the car. Considering how powerful those magnets are, how come it didn't pick up the car too? But again, I find myself using logic when I should just be watching the show. SBG loses his gun to the magnet too. Yeah, because I run at large magnets with metal weapons and hope for the best myself. Of course, we see Mac at the crane's controls. He drops the case and gun and quickly retrieves them in time to get shot at. Mac tosses the gun inside a near by car and runs away. SBG easily retrieves the gun. Good job, Mac. Couldn't you have just taken it with you and tossed it somewhere they weren't looking right at? The PVO continues as Mac plays cat and mouse with the bad guys all through the junkyard. I marvel at how badly the bad guys are acting, but figure they're probably just getting hung up on the show logic like I am. Mac escapes two of the guys by hiding in an old car. Only to walk around a corner into the third one and get the crap knocked out of him. He's so losing more stealth points for that.
Mac wakes up in a car. He peers out to one side to see the bad guys, and then out the other to see a big tractor plowing towards him. Oops. He doesn't get out of the car in time. And the tractor hefts the car up, dumping it in one of those car crusher things. The vehicle looks relatively new. I think it's SBG's car. How is he getting home? Mac struggles with the backseat and manages to get into the trunk away from the front end of the car that's getting crushed. He finds a tire iron in the trunk, lucky him, and uses it to get the trunk open and escape. The bad guys don't see him slipping out of the back of the crusher and they hop in the other vehicle. Well, it's nice of the guys to give SBG a lift, I must say.
We next get a camera shot from the tractor's perspective as it drives toward the bad guys' car. We see that Mac is driving. He uses the tractor to pick up the car and then wedge it against a post. Mac hops out of the tractor completely unconcerned that those guys still have guns. They don't bother shooting him though as he walks over to the post where a phone is mounted. Perhaps they're less critical than I am and are actually impressed with his stealth skills. Who knows? Mac gets on the phone and says, "Yeah it's MacGyver," um shouldn't they know that? "You know that diplomatic security case that you guys put me on a while back?" How long did it take him to find these guys anyway? "Well, I got it and the boys that took it. Yeah, want to come pick them up? I just did." That's great Mac, now they're going to think you got them at a bar. Way to out yourself to the military, you dork.
And credits. Stuff happens as it is wont to do on this show. I click it over to fast forward, and hey the credits are a lot more entertaining at 2x speed! Even the theme music is more exciting.
We come back to MacGyver lying on the beach. RDA fans rejoice at sweaty shirtless man meat. I notice that Mac's getting a little over done. Time to flip, Mac, and never forget the importance of sun screen. We get yet another PVO about Alexander Graham Bell or some such nonsense. This leads us to a shot of a shadowy three star general. I can't tell if he's Army or Air Force because the sun is behind him. He has a commanding sort of voice and MacGyver has a look on his face like, "George?" But no, I'm getting ahead of myself, that won't happen for years yet.
Anyway, shadowy general does is own VO when he asks if Mac has ever been to Burma. He continues to talk over lovely vistas of misty mountain jungles. "[In Burma] There's just two kind of people," the VO says, "Opium bandits and the people they hold as slaves." Mac quips that "It sounds like you're sending me to a real nice neighborhood." I think he just has a case of voiceover envy. Apparently, the government lost a cargo plane in the jungle. Amongst the stuff is a canister of heavy duty poison. "Enough to destroy a thousand acres of plant life, animals, and," dramatic pause, "people." Mac still with the VO envy, "And you'd kind of like to have it back?" The shadowy general, that in no way reminds me of Hammond on Stargate, tells him, "Get it if you can. Destroy it if you have to." Um, how is he going to do that without wiping out Burma, Mr. Gloom and Doom? This whole conversation is being cut over shots of Mac making his way through the heavy jungle looking like he's never held a machete in his life. I can't decide which is funnier. The last of shadowy general's VO tells us that there will be an extraction chopper twenty-four hours after they drop Mac off, and that there will be no other rescues after that. Guess that canister isn't as important as we thought, huh? At least I'm firm in the knowledge that George doesn't leave people behind, no matter if shadowy general does.
We see a line of locals being led through the jungle by some pathetic looking guards. Mac hides in some bamboo and PVOs that slavery is bad. Yeah, we knew that, Mac, thanks. We see our future guest stars and we know that because the camera lingers on them. There is an older, wise looking gentleman being helped by a cute kid with a red baseball cap on, behind them is a pretty, young woman with a pink shirt on, and bringing up the rear is the strong silent type. As they round the bend, grandpa looses his footing and hits the ground. The others try to help him and they all catch the guard's notice. The guard here is a portly dumbass that just screams flunky. He's not intimidating at all. He slaps a bamboo stick into his palm in the least menacing way possible. The others cower in fear. When he brings the stick up to take a swing, the pretty young thing jumps in the way. In some astonishingly bad acting, the guard (who I've decided to name Dumpling because he looks like he's had a few too many) stops the strike in midair and runs the stick down the girl's arm. Dumpling obviously doesn't get out much if he thinks this is how you impress women. Everyone else looks away in disgust, mostly because they know this guy couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag.
Before any more bad acting can occur, the local Head Man runs up asking if there is trouble. Hey! It's Clyde Kusatsu who you'll recognize if you've ever watched TV in the eighties. He's been in everything. Dumpling throws a fit and stomps off to his trailer. The others help up grandpa, but it's not much longer before he falls again. Old people are funny that way. Dumpling comes running back. There is a limb between him and the ball cap kid. The kid, in true Dennis the Menace form, pulls back the limb and ends up smacking Dumpling in his fat ass. The kid takes a runner with Dumpling giving chase. The kid darts through the jungle and as he rounds a tree, Mac jumps out and grabs him. I suddenly fear that our hero has an unhealthy obsession with young boys. It's not helped by the way that Mac covers the kid's mouth to keep him from talking. Dumpling runs past and seems to be having a little trouble. He looks around and runs off in another direction. Mac lets the kid go and then asks him about the baseball hat. The kid nods and hilariously runs away. I guess he knows a pervert when he sees one. Mac gives chase and stops him before he gets to far...by throwing him to the ground. Yeah, way to win friends and influence people, Mac. He gives the kid a little indignant speech. The kid seems ashamed and asks Mac who he is. Mac introduces himself and they shake hands. The kid tells us his name is Chan and then apologizes. Mac asks where he got the hat, and Chan agrees to show him.
As they walk, Mac asks about Dumpling and Chan gives him the skinny or the fatty as the case may be. We find out Dumpling's name, not that I care, and that he works for someone called General Narai. He's the guy making the locals work in the poppy fields. Chan says, "They say General Narai is not human. They say he drinks blood. They say he watches Big Trouble In Little China too much." I may have added that last part.
The two of them make it to the downed plane, only to find that it's empty. As Mac gets out of the wreckage, he gets smacked by Dumpling, which has just got to be embarrassing. One of the other guards has Chan. They bring Mac into camp hanging from a bamboo pole. I refrain from yelling out, "Tell them you're a god, Mac! It worked for 3PO!" The village watches as Mac gets questioned by Dumpling. "I know who you are and what you are doing here, so do not lie!" Dumpling says and then plays a guessing game as to Mac's nationality. Mac is a smartass and gets smacked, as you do. Dumpling guesses that Mac is a narcotics agent. I take a moment to wonder why all these Burmese people are speaking English, but realize this is 80's TV and subtitles are only for Kung Fu movies. Dumpling does some more bad acting before someone informs him that the general is coming.
A helicopter lands and everyone scrambles to make a good impression on the boss. General Narai gets out, and apparently he pilots his own helicopter. He hasn't yet figured out that you're supposed to have people for that. But then again, he has Dumpling as an overseer so he's probably still new to all this. We get our first look of Narai and his snazzy dress sense. He resembles a short gay Asian mechanic more than a drug lord. It might just be the neckerchief. Mac gives us another PVO about animal abuse. Whatever, Mac. Narai surveys the villagers before making his way over to MacGyver.
Mac comments on Narai's landing and Dumpling interrupts. "He's a narcotics agent. I made him speak!" he says sounding all proud. Narai turns around and gives Dumpling a look that says, "I'm surprised you could make yourself speak you dumbass." He goes on to ask about his product. Dumpling no longer feeling so superior informs him that only half the harvest is ready. Fortunately for Dumpling, Narai is not as interested in the drugs as he is the weapons from the downed plane. While Narai looks over his goodies, Mac gives the pile of stuff a critical eye picking out things he'll be using later to do his thing on. Try and see if you can guess what he's going to do with the stuff they show. I never can. Among the items is the canister that Mac's been sent after. Narai has a little happy over his new weapons. "Good. Very good. My helicopter will become a gunship, a powerful weapon," he says a little feyly. Good to know he's all about the accessorizing.
Narai asks Mac why he's there, to which Mac replies, "Tourist?" Narai and Dumpling laugh. Narai says, "I like a sense of humor. It shows spirit. I'm also not above long walks on the beach or quiet nights by the fire." Or maybe he doesn’t. Narai stops laughing quickly and looks at Dumpling. He says, "Five days and my caravan will come here to pick up the opium." Oh! So he's part of a circus. Well, that makes more sense. Narai continues by starting to threaten Dumpling if he's not ready. Dumpling being the big coward he is automatically starts making excuses and blaming the help. Narai calls for the Head Man and asks him if Dumpling is right. HM does some good brown nosing, but Narai isn't impressed. Instead he does a little bad guy speech about how he's there to protect the villagers etc, etc, threateningcakes. Narai decides to leave them an example my staking Mac out in the sun without food or water. I'm not sure that watching a white guy die is good for production, but perhaps they have different business practices in Burma. Mac looks none too happy about this development right before we fade to black.
We come back to Mac tied down spread eagle on some sort of bamboo bed frame. That doesn't look like punishment... That looks like some kind of kinky bondage that an archaeologist would think up. Ahem. Anyway, Mac is frying like a fritter and yet still has enough energy for a PVO about his mom's broiled chicken. Mmm...chicken. We get the obligatory shot of the hot sun. I don't know what Mac is complaining about. I mean he was lying out in the sun at the beginning of this. Plus, he had a twenty-four hour time limit so he could only have been tied to that thing for a couple of hours. I mean, if he'd been out there a couple of days, sure, but right now all he should be fighting is some sunburn. Of course, all this could have been avoided if he'd brushed up on his stealth skills.
Chan and the pretty young thing come out of the jungle. We find out that her name is Lin and that she's Chan's sister. There's something about the casual way that Mac says 'Hi' that makes me laugh. Lin tells him that everyone is grateful, but they can't cut Mac loose because the villagers will be killed if they help him. She finishes by saying, "We have no way to fight him." Chan jumps in and says, "I will fight." Yeah, let me know how that goes for you, kid. Mac is more optimistic because he's a friend to kids everywhere. One of the guards shows up which sends Chan and Lin scurrying away. Mac does his usual quips to the guard who is unimpressed. The guard moves over to the shade and lights up a cigar.
We cut back to the village where everyone is having fun with opium. Dumpling is marching around yelling at everyone to work faster. He passes by Lin and the strong silent type. Dumpling says, "Work faster Ming, you lazy boy" which provides us with strong silent's name. I'd hardly call this guy a boy. He looks at least thirty, but who knows, maybe Dumpling's just got a thing for him. We see Chan coming up to Lin looking like he's up to something. And in fact, he is because he shows her MacGyver's Swiss Army Knife. Lin wants to know where he got it, and Chan tells her that he swiped it from the guard house. Nice to know that American influence on other cultures is still going strong. Chan gives Mac the knife...heh...Mac the knife. The guard appears to be taking a nap against the tree. It takes talent or military service to learn how to sleep standing up.
Again a shot of the village and Ming working. Dumpling orders one of the other guards to relieve Mac's guard. When he comes up, he sees that all is in order, Mac's tied up and the first guard is leaning against a tree. Then he sees the SAK lying on the ground, shining in the sun. Oh, don't fall for it dude! But of course the dumb guard doesn't listen to me and goes over to pick up the knife. The moment he bends down, Mac rolls off the bondage bed and smacks him one. Mac retrieves his knife and heads over to the first guard who was unconscious and tied to the tree with Mac's belt. Belt and knife in hand, Mac goes off to save the day, or whatever.
In the village, Ming and some of his buddies are loading the opium up into a truck with Dumpling whining in the background. As they turn away, Dumpling pokes Ming in the chest with his stick. He then says, "For a second I thought you were truly stupid, boy." Huh? Dumpling, you need to let the other actors have time to react before you say your lines. Otherwise we have no idea what you're talking about. Ming turns away supposedly looking downtrodden, but really looking bored. Dumpling lifts Ming's chin up with his stick and asks him if he's stupid. Look inward, Dumpling, look inward. Dumpling walks away laughing while Ming gives an angry look and considers calling his agent.
We see Mac using those mad stealth skills to sneak back into the village. Needing a distraction, he opens the gate on the pig pen. Of course nothing happens because pigs aren't like horses. They're too busy rooting around the pen to notice that they're free. Mac looks a little confused by this. Apparently he never grew up on a farm. He scurries to the back of the pen and starts scaring the pigs out. He starts up a PVO about greased pigs, but after that bondage scene earlier, I won't touch it with a ten foot pole. The villagers all come running to herd the pigs back into the pen. Dumpling and a guard watch amused.
Mac slips under the parachute covering the stuff from the downed plane. He retrieves the canister of poison, and while he's looking around finds some pen flares. I didn't even know they made pen sized flares. Mac looks interested as well. He rigs up an inflatable raft and inflatable life jacket with some rope or something and PVOs about using the tire and the pen flare as a delayed fuse. Mac pulls the rip cord on the inflatable life jacket and scurries out. He stashes the canister in a safe spot. Meanwhile his little distraction is getting noticed. The life jacket inflating pulls the cord on the boat. The boat inflates which sends the parachute covering the goods flying. Dumpling and his sidekick notice. The ropes around the boat pull taught, the flare gets ignited, and the tire blows up.
We see Mac pole vaulting to take out a guard before jumping into a jeep. Why he couldn't just punch the guy, I don't know. He sets the jeep in motion with guns going off around him and then bales out. Mac does this really great roll and fires off one of the pen flares. It's so cool, that it ends up in the credits, my friend. The flare blows up the jeep, don't ask me how, or why. Mac runs to the next vehicle which is a large truck. He jumps in as Dumpling fires at him. We hear Lin's voice say, "Ming, he needs help." Ming come bursting out of one of the cottages and tackles Dumpling's sidekick. Lin looks out from the window and from her expression I can tell that Ming's going to be getting some tonight. Dumpling is still shooting at Mac who is driving the truck in circles around the village. Dumpling dives into one of the houses for cover, but Mac, uncaring about property damage, barrels the truck into the house. This doesn't do a bit of good, because we see Dumpling jump out completely unharmed. He has lost his pistol though and makes a run for it. Mac is stuck in the truck by some debris and by the time he gets loose, Dumpling is long gone. I didn't realize the dork could run so fast. Oh well, cowards always make excellent sprinters.
Mac comes back to see all the villagers staring at him. He says, "Well, I guess that's it then. Now you're free." For a smart guy, Mac's a little dumb sometimes. Grandpa points out that Dumpling will get to Narai's convoy and that they're likely all screwed now. Thanks so much, white guy. Head Man yells, "You! You have destroyed us all!" I think he's just pissed 'cause it was probably his house that Mac just demolished. The music cue picks up and we see Mac with an expression that can only be summed up as "whoops," and we fade to black.
When we return, Mac has retrieved his container o' bad stuff. The villagers are still trying to figure out what to do. Lin asks him if he can teach them to use the guards' machine guns. Mac replies, "No, I don't think so. It takes a couple of weeks or so to train a soldier how to use a rifle." I snicker madly. Funny how that never stopped the A-Team from turning perfectly normal citizens into Rambo in three easy steps. Head Man politely suggests that the crazy white man should take a walk, only with a lot of yelling and not so nice. Ming lays down some fortune cookie comment that has everyone nodding and me scratching my head. Partly because it makes no sense, and partly because he has no accent whatsoever. He sounds like he's from the Midwest, it's freaky. Head Man is still snapping at everyone and now I'm sure that was his house. Mac tells them that they have to decide what they're going to do. He says, "I promised a man that I'd do a job for him, and that's what I've gotta do. I've got a chopper to meet." With this less than thrilling line, Mac walks away. If you believe this is where the show ends, you don't know Mac. Heh.
Chan looks crushed as Head Man starts talking about begging Narai for forgiveness. We see the chopper coming in to land, stirring up a lot of dust. Chan has run after and his weeping his little boyhood heart out. Someone is blowing smoke at him to simulate the chopper dust and the poor kid looks miserable. The shot of Mac getting on the chopper is obscured by dust. The chopper takes off, the air clears, and yeah, you guessed it, Mac is standing there with a grin. Chan runs to him all excited, and I start to get that creepy disturbing feeling again. There is hugging, which doesn't help.
We cut back to the village where everyone is still having a pow-wow. Ming is listing his resume for some reason. Head Man is not impressed. He probably wants better references. Lin backs up her man. Head Man still isn't having it and says, "This is a useless conversation. We have no means to fight and you're great hope MacGyver is gone." Of course that's when we hear Chan yell, "Grandfather, look! MacGyver is back!" Hee. Poor Head Man gets no respect. Mac gives his best All-American grin. He walks up and asks what they've decided. Mac says, "You going to keep peeling poppies, or are we going to give this fashion plate Narai a run for his money?" So Mac likes Narai's fashion sense. I wonder if he likes long walks on the beach too?
Ming looks up and says, "Teach me to be a soldier, MacGyver." I giggle. The guy has better English than RDA. Head Man gets another dig in, but nobody pays him any attention as usual. He marches off to, I don't know, prop his house up or something. Mac says they only have a few hours to prepare. I suddenly realize that Mac had a twenty-four hour deadline and yet it hasn't been night once. Is the sun always up in Burma? Anyway, Ming wants to know what they're going to do since they don't have time to, *snort*, learn how to shoot automatic weapons. Mac replies, "Oh, I have a couple of ideas."
We see Ming and some other men hoisting up a tree branch. Head Man is helping, but he's still pissy. Mac gives one of the women a mirror to signal when the convoy approaches. They hear a helicopter and hide. Narai is just doing a fly over to see what's what, but he doesn't land. More preparing. Mac PVO's that "This is how you cut the bandits down to size. Teamwork." I cringe...a lot. We see Chan filling a bowl with ashes from one of the cooking fires. He then passes several women knelt down by a couple of long pieces of bamboo. One of the women using an old fashioned handmade drill to poke holes into the bamboo. Mac PVOs that "The women and children are cooking up a bamboo buffet. A giant wooden flute filled with fire ash and rice alcohol. Guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes." Yeah okay.
Somewhere else, Ming and some of the local boys are moving a log into the road. Mac runs up in a tank top looking all sweaty with handkerchief headband wrapped around his head. It's a little eighties, but still quite an attractive look for him. He asks grandpa how things are going and gramps tells him that he used to set up traps like the one their making when he was a boy. Mac tells him, "That's why you're in charge." Way to make the elderly feel included. I'm glad it's not just kids that MacGyver embraces. ...Okay, I just gave myself that creepy feeling again by accident. They go on to discuss Ming becoming a man or something. I think that's more Lin's doing than MacGyver's, but hey. Ming is handing out the machine guns, and those guys look like professional mercenaries when they hold them. I laugh again at 'needing weeks' to learn how to use a rifle, but then again, these people didn't grow up with cable like I did. We get an obligatory shot of Ming looking proud, or constipated, one or the other.
Scene change to three poor guys digging a pit. Oh wait! Head Man is one of them. Hee! They really must not like him, if they keep giving him all the dirty jobs. The poor guy still has to rebuild his house later. Mac runs by to check on their progress. Funny how the yellow man is working his ass off while the white man is running around "supervising." It's almost like real life. Bastards. Lin asks Mac if the pit is deep enough, and he tells her it's perfect. She says, "They can see it though." To which he replies, "That's what makes it perfect." I can't decide if Mac is Wiley Coyote or Road Runner.
Back to the village and the fire ash filled bamboo is getting buried across 'main street.' Ming says, "A good day's work. My...people did a good job." Head Man walks across the frame looking disgruntled and Ming and Lin seem amused. They get the signal from mirror lady who is up a tree. This is kind of funny because it looked like an elderly lady that Mac handed the mirror to. I wonder how she got up there and how she'll get down. Mac supposes that they have an hour before Dumpling and the Stooges show up. Dumpling and the Stooges is so the name of my new band, by the way. Lin wants to know what they are going to do. Grandpa nods at Ming who decides they should chow down. "First we eat, then we fight." So the Burmese believe in a last meal. That's nice. The villagers seem to like this idea and everyone heads off to craft services.
We then get a shot of a bunch of jeeps driving through the country side with Dumpling up front. Each Jeep has its own, looks like fifty caliber, mounted machine gun. Mac pops up at the top of a hill and yells down to the caravan. "Uh, it seems only fair to warn you that these folks don't want you guys back here. So if you just want to turn around and go back to where you came from, these folks won't hold a grudge. But I got to warn ya, if you keep on coming, you're liable to have a battle on your hands. So what do ya say?"
Of course, Dumpling pulls out his pistol and starts firing. Mac does this great "whoa!" and diving down to avoid getting shot like the big dummy he is. "These guys are just spoiling for a fight," he says. Yeah, well drug runners are kind of like that. Mac runs off and the caravan continues on. We see Ming peeking out of the bushes and when one of the Jeeps, which is mysteriously alone for no reason, drives up, he throws a rock at them. There is a little comic running away bit from Ming as the Jeep turns off the road to follow. This couldn't be a more obvious trap if they tried. The Jeep guys don't seem to care. Mac PVOs about herpetologists. This makes more sense when we see Chan and one of his little buddies up a tree with sacks. As soon as the Jeep is below them, they drop the contents of the bags which turn out to be full of snakes. Yikes! There's nightmare material for you. The Jeep guys seem to agree as they freak out and promptly drive into a bush. While they're yelling, villagers run up and drag them out of the vehicle.
Mac and Chan jump in and swipe the ride themselves. I stop to wonder if snakes will be a weapon in the next Grand Theft Auto video game, which then makes me think about Hot Coffee, and that in turn gives me the creepy feeling again as I'm thinking about Hot Coffee while Mac is in a car with an underage boy. Ahem. Anyway, Mac goes to put the vehicle in gear and has to pull an albino boa off the gear shift first. Someone needs to explain to him that boas are pretty much harmless. Chan asks him if he's afraid of snakes, and laughs a bit at him. Mac replies, "No, I just don't like being around them." Wuss.
Back to the caravan. Dumpling stops the caravan because he sees a suspiciously square pile of bamboo leaves in the middle of the road. Mac is now PVOing about psychology. Boy would Freud have a field day with him, but I digress. Dumpling signals the caravan to go around the obvious trap. Mac's PVO hints that Dumpling may not be the sharpest crayon in the box. I roll my eyes and wait for the funny. It comes by way of Dumpling's Jeep driving straight into a better camouflaged hole. A second Jeep piles in on top of the first. Mac drives up in his stolen ride and tells Dumpling that, "It can only get worse." Mac looks kind of hot in that Jeep, buddy. Dumpling tells his men to ignore MacGyver and that they're still headed for the village.
We see the log that the village men had moved into the road before. The camera pans across it to a rope half buried in the dirt that leads to a machine gun hidden in a tree. Hey! This is the trick he used in the pilot. Rip off! Mac and grandpa watch from the bushes as Dumpling orders some men to move the log. We get a better shot of several of the machine guns tied upside down to trees along the path. The men pick up the log, which pulls the rope tight, which sets off the machine guns that are pointed towards the ground. This blows out the tires on the Jeeps. We get a funny shot of all the Stooges running for cover in one big pack. They grab their guns, but have nothing to shoot at. All the Jeeps are immobile except for Dumpling's which has somehow missed the barrage. He orders the men to move out on foot. So Dumpling rides while the Stooges walk? Hardly seems fair. Mac peeks out of the bushes and blows a little flute.
This signals Ming who is hiding in a tree. The convoy seems much warier now. The Stooges are huddled around the Jeep just waiting to get picked off. I'm surprised that they haven't bothered to fire off a shot yet. As soon as the Jeep is in position, Ming pulls a rope sending the log from earlier swinging down. It takes out the machine gun on the Jeep and sends everyone diving. Remarkably, no one is injured. After all, the log really isn't all that big. Dumpling realizes he's in way over his head and calls Narai on the radio.
Back in the village we see the bamboo whatever buried in the road. Mac drives up and parks the stolen Jeep. Chan hops in while his snake buddy affixes a pipe to the exhaust with duct tape. The villagers are hiding in their homes when Dumpling and his men enter the village on foot. What they couldn't retrieve the last Jeep? Chan waits until they're almost on top of the bamboo before gunning the engine on the stolen Jeep. A fine mist shoots out of the holes in the bamboo making a type of tear gas. In the confusion, Mac and the villagers run out with handkerchief masks on their faces and overpower the stooges. Dumpling and Ming face off. Dumpling goes back into the smoke to get his gun, but can't see when he gets out. Ming grabs a stick and goes ninja on his ass. The mask helps the image. Mac gives him an approving gesture which makes Ming smile. Lin better keep an eye on her man.
Of course, just when you think they've won, out comes Narai's chopper and starts shooting up the town. Mac dives behind the Jeep to keep from being cut in two. Narai does a couple more passes while Mac digs through the leftovers in the pile o' stuff from earlier trying to find a way to save the day. He grabs the bit of cable piled up and hooks it too the wench on the Jeep. Narai makes another pass and as he's turning the helicopter around, Mac runs up and dives onto one of the skids, hooking the cable to in the process. There is a bit of dangling before he drops off and wenches the helicopter into a landing. Somehow I doubt that little bitty wench could reel in a helicopter, but I forget I'm not supposed to be using logic for this show.
Narai hops out with pistol in hand only to get sucker kicked by Mac. MacGyver goes into a karate stance and he and Narai duke it out. Surprisingly, Mac doesn’t get his ass handed to him. He's just lucky that wasn't Sonny Chiba, let me tell you. Anyway, Narai pops back up and pulls out his riding stick which just happens to be a sword. Not that it does him any good seeing as how he trips over his own helicopter and accidentally stabs himself to death. That could not be any funnier. Mac looks depressed that he didn't get to use his mad karate skills. The villagers slowly filter in. Ming looks at the dead guy and nods. "Now we are free," he says. Well, yeah, until the next drug lord shows up to take Narai's territory. Mac agrees, trying not to think about power vacuums and how they pertain to the drug trade. These people haven't seen The Godfather or Scarface so they wouldn't understand anyway. And how convenient that Narai's chopper is there for Mac to get out of town with, seeing as how General Leave 'Em Behind said there would be no more rescues.
Well, that was...good. (Can you tell I'm being less than sincere?) Anyway, tune in next week where MacGyver rips off Michael Cane in The Italian Job without a Mark Wahlberg in sight!