happenings
so i am away for the weekend staying at a friend's house... needed time to get away, clear my head, think about my REAL, TRUE feelings with a minimum amount of distractions. well most of it's happened. except that the minimum amount of distractions part hasn't been so successful. lol. my phone's been ringing off the hook between scott calling me and his text messages. don't get me wrong i am not at all upset by these calls/messages. my only concern is that the other night when we left ed's after a movie he was texting me half the night with things that tell me he loves, wants to be with me and that we're on a good path now. this is good right??? well all i can say is "I HOPE SO". i say this because i am nervous we will back slide again and he'll lie again. he promises it's over for good this time and that things aren't going to get to that point again. however i refuse to hold my breath or really believe him. i told him all of this and he said it's ok, and it'll take time. the way it'll take time for him to believe me and gain back the trust we had once. the texting and calls continued into last night which is another positive thing... but i am finding myself being insecure and untrusting unless he's with me. this part sucks. i feel like i've turned into him, and he into me before we divorced. i hated him being up my ass 24/7 and hated his distrust, however i realize he felt like he was loosing his grip and was trying to save it because that's how i feel. but i also remember in my shoes, that constant pull of me toward him only pushed me away...so i have to remember that and try like HELL not to force him to pull away because i suffocate him. i try to back off and let him initiate some of the text messages and phone calls... but other times i feel like i can't breath til i send him something. this delicate balance is a teeter tauter, if you tip too much in one direction you'll loose completely and fall off. so i just keep hoping i am doing the right thing!