Thought of the day...
I should work much harder at getting off all my meds, so I can become a drinker again!
YAY!
Then I can go out, have fun, and even enjoy myself.
Everything's much more grand when you can join in.
And I do love buying shots for people.
Any people.
Friends.
Loved ones.
That guy who said, "hey, can I have a shot too?" and you say, "Why the fuck not."
But I really don't like a lot of str8 bars, and I refuse to go to our local gay bar.
So that leaves bars in St. Louis, Chicago, and I think Cape has one, and Paducah has one. But those are all, minimum, 45min.-1hour away.
St. Louis is 2 hrs away, and Chicago, 6.
So bleh.
And I never liked driving all the way home on the highway after having been out all night, so I tried to make sure I always had a place to crash.
I was also having sex at this point in my life.
Waiting for sex never seemed so difficult.
I don't get to have any until December.
:(
I could really use some right now.
With everything that's going on, some touch is exactly what I need.
And right now, I can't get it.
Well... I could... I'm not too old, or too ugly, yet, but I am attached.
I've been talking to a few different people about all of this, lately.
Most agree I do sound unhappy, and that it's probably justified, but still...
Some think I should stick to my guns and keep doing what I've been doing, because somewhere, out there, like in American Tale :), my boy sits, and he's lonely too.
How can I accept comfort when he has none.
Others think I should just do what Bradley has always done best.
Cheat, lie, and be all right with that.
Sometimes, I really wish I could.
Someone mentioned to me just last night, I believe, when I made mention of this and said I'd become "weak", and that I could no longer tolerate guilt.
So I can't do anything.
The person said I hadn't gotten weak, I'd just "grown a heart."
Makes me sort of feel like the Grinch, hehe.
For the record, I was never a Grinch.
I just never cared about the other person's feelings, hehe.
But now, I do.
Don't know how it happened.
Don't know why.
Don't know what it is about this boy that makes me feel terrible for even thinking about doing something, sometimes.
At the same time, part of me wants to reclaim my ways, and my lifestyle.
I do want to live in a city again, where I can do whatever, whenever.
I do like midwestern life, sometimes.
It is quiet.
Can be peaceful.
Most of the time, it just makes me feel worse.
I need to escape like I've never needed to, before.
My friends in St. Louis want me to visit, and I really do wanna go.
My friends in Chicago want me to visit, and I really, really wanna go.
And Matthew wants me to come to New York.
I can drive to StL or CHI, but I'd have to fly to NY, and I can't afford that right now.
And I can't get the time off I need to actually make the visit worth while for the both of us.
I'd much rather save the money, then fly him back here for Christmas.
My brain hurts.
And, as some of you know, I have been chatting again, and it's been a refreshing period for me, thus far.
Some people seem exactly the same.
Some have changed a little, some a lot.
But it all seems mainly for the better, which is a very good thing, yet, surprising to hear.
People, who were part of my world, seem to have done all right, if not better, without me.
That's not a good feeling, but at the same time, maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way.
I don't know which way I should be looking at it, but whatever.
Right now, I'm hungry, and don't know what to eat.
So I'm going to go look for something.
I'll write more when I know more.
Until then...
YAY!
Then I can go out, have fun, and even enjoy myself.
Everything's much more grand when you can join in.
And I do love buying shots for people.
Any people.
Friends.
Loved ones.
That guy who said, "hey, can I have a shot too?" and you say, "Why the fuck not."
But I really don't like a lot of str8 bars, and I refuse to go to our local gay bar.
So that leaves bars in St. Louis, Chicago, and I think Cape has one, and Paducah has one. But those are all, minimum, 45min.-1hour away.
St. Louis is 2 hrs away, and Chicago, 6.
So bleh.
And I never liked driving all the way home on the highway after having been out all night, so I tried to make sure I always had a place to crash.
I was also having sex at this point in my life.
Waiting for sex never seemed so difficult.
I don't get to have any until December.
:(
I could really use some right now.
With everything that's going on, some touch is exactly what I need.
And right now, I can't get it.
Well... I could... I'm not too old, or too ugly, yet, but I am attached.
I've been talking to a few different people about all of this, lately.
Most agree I do sound unhappy, and that it's probably justified, but still...
Some think I should stick to my guns and keep doing what I've been doing, because somewhere, out there, like in American Tale :), my boy sits, and he's lonely too.
How can I accept comfort when he has none.
Others think I should just do what Bradley has always done best.
Cheat, lie, and be all right with that.
Sometimes, I really wish I could.
Someone mentioned to me just last night, I believe, when I made mention of this and said I'd become "weak", and that I could no longer tolerate guilt.
So I can't do anything.
The person said I hadn't gotten weak, I'd just "grown a heart."
Makes me sort of feel like the Grinch, hehe.
For the record, I was never a Grinch.
I just never cared about the other person's feelings, hehe.
But now, I do.
Don't know how it happened.
Don't know why.
Don't know what it is about this boy that makes me feel terrible for even thinking about doing something, sometimes.
At the same time, part of me wants to reclaim my ways, and my lifestyle.
I do want to live in a city again, where I can do whatever, whenever.
I do like midwestern life, sometimes.
It is quiet.
Can be peaceful.
Most of the time, it just makes me feel worse.
I need to escape like I've never needed to, before.
My friends in St. Louis want me to visit, and I really do wanna go.
My friends in Chicago want me to visit, and I really, really wanna go.
And Matthew wants me to come to New York.
I can drive to StL or CHI, but I'd have to fly to NY, and I can't afford that right now.
And I can't get the time off I need to actually make the visit worth while for the both of us.
I'd much rather save the money, then fly him back here for Christmas.
My brain hurts.
And, as some of you know, I have been chatting again, and it's been a refreshing period for me, thus far.
Some people seem exactly the same.
Some have changed a little, some a lot.
But it all seems mainly for the better, which is a very good thing, yet, surprising to hear.
People, who were part of my world, seem to have done all right, if not better, without me.
That's not a good feeling, but at the same time, maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way.
I don't know which way I should be looking at it, but whatever.
Right now, I'm hungry, and don't know what to eat.
So I'm going to go look for something.
I'll write more when I know more.
Until then...