Just what's up...
So I've really just spent a lot of time sitting around listening to Depeche Mode songs, which is quite therapeutic, I must admit.
Tomorrow is Friday and I've felt, not so shitty...
So I've almost made it a 2 week stretch with only missing a couple hours of work in the morning a couple times.
But it's ok.
I felt like shit, but it was really important that I show up.
I feel I've locked myself into my job, because of my lacking dependability.
With my health, I'm more a liability than an asset.
Though, when I do work, it's usually okie dokie, and everyone seems pleased enough.
They act like it is.
I don't question it.
Anyway...
I'm ok right now.
Aside from wanting to kill myself on almost a momentary basis.
That's a little hard to deal with right now.
Every time I think about anything I've ever done, I think ending it would make me much happier.
And I've thought of ways to do it.
But then, I think about all the reasons I can't do it.
Even though it would be a relief in my eyes, it would do a lot of damage elsewhere, I think.
I'm finding a lot of people care about me, and it is 100% because of them that I continue to try and figure out what's gone wrong with me.
Where have I gone wrong and what am I going to do to fix it.
I hate being depressed, sad, bitter... I feel isolated... inferior... I don't know... something.
I have a boyfriend I love, who's 900 miles away, and that's getting harder to deal with for me.
It's looking like Christmas at the earliest, and then, well, we have no idea.
He's done with school at the end of this semester, which is really soon.
And he's doing the job hunt thing there.
While I continue to do my thing, as it is, here.
I feel like I've felt for a while...
Like I'm still falling apart, inside.
Things just don't seem right.
I'm trying to remedy them, but I'm not doing the right things.
And I don't have the will to do what's necessary.
I need to fix what's wrong.
And the Cardinals are losing 9-1 right now to Milwaukee :(
If it's not one thing, it's another.
I'll write more when I think of more.
I don't know.
We'll see.
PEACE.
Tomorrow is Friday and I've felt, not so shitty...
So I've almost made it a 2 week stretch with only missing a couple hours of work in the morning a couple times.
But it's ok.
I felt like shit, but it was really important that I show up.
I feel I've locked myself into my job, because of my lacking dependability.
With my health, I'm more a liability than an asset.
Though, when I do work, it's usually okie dokie, and everyone seems pleased enough.
They act like it is.
I don't question it.
Anyway...
I'm ok right now.
Aside from wanting to kill myself on almost a momentary basis.
That's a little hard to deal with right now.
Every time I think about anything I've ever done, I think ending it would make me much happier.
And I've thought of ways to do it.
But then, I think about all the reasons I can't do it.
Even though it would be a relief in my eyes, it would do a lot of damage elsewhere, I think.
I'm finding a lot of people care about me, and it is 100% because of them that I continue to try and figure out what's gone wrong with me.
Where have I gone wrong and what am I going to do to fix it.
I hate being depressed, sad, bitter... I feel isolated... inferior... I don't know... something.
I have a boyfriend I love, who's 900 miles away, and that's getting harder to deal with for me.
It's looking like Christmas at the earliest, and then, well, we have no idea.
He's done with school at the end of this semester, which is really soon.
And he's doing the job hunt thing there.
While I continue to do my thing, as it is, here.
I feel like I've felt for a while...
Like I'm still falling apart, inside.
Things just don't seem right.
I'm trying to remedy them, but I'm not doing the right things.
And I don't have the will to do what's necessary.
I need to fix what's wrong.
And the Cardinals are losing 9-1 right now to Milwaukee :(
If it's not one thing, it's another.
I'll write more when I think of more.
I don't know.
We'll see.
PEACE.