Also haunted by dreams of first love
I realize this is a long shot, because it's buried deep inside me and not something I can really externalize. But I'm willing to give almost anything a shot at this point. ANY tips for "moving on" would be greatly appreciated. This alternate ending has to get out of my head, or I'll forever feel like I'm being untrue to the life that has unfolded for me, not to mention the significant other in it.
I am constantly haunted by dreams about my unfulfilled first love. He was a boy I knew in late elementary and middle school. At the time, probably like many girls that age, I had it in my head that we were meant for each other. This wasn't an unattainable crush, either - we were pretty much on the same level socially and intellectually, and in fact we did spend a decent amount of time teasing each other and competing academically. The fact was that I didn't feel old enough to start dating yet, but I thought that might change by high school. Then, between middle school and high school, my family moved to a different state.
He and I communicated for awhile (e-mail, chat, etc.) and it eventually came to light that we both had had feelings for each other. It wasn't discussed any further - no discussion of the present or the future, just one of those "Oh, that's how it was" things. As a kid, I was powerless to do anything about it, anyway. I almost didn't want to know if he still felt the same way, because that would've made my position more painful. Eventually we fell out of contact. We're friends on Facebook and have had a few minor exchanges there, but I don't use Facebook very heavily at all.
So now, in my mid-twenties, I am married (to a different guy I met in college), working, we have our pet cats as family and our lives are on their way. I don't know what to say about my husband except that I love him, we've shared so many more experiences together than I ever did with my "first love", we have a lot in common and he's my best friend in the world. But I've never felt on fire with him, that sort of "click" I still thought I was expecting but at some point decided to just bury -- because I told myself it was childish, impractical.
In these dreams, which seem to occur with regularity at least several times monthly, I am reunited with my "first love" and everything feels "right" in the universe. Sometimes there are obstacles, and sometimes my husband is one of them, which I feel absolutely awful about. The dreams are always vivid, occasionally sexual, and most of the time he still looks very young, like how I remember him. I have photographic evidence that he is his own person, a grown adult (but still, I must say, extremely cute) and he has his own life now. I haven't been part of it for 13 years, and he hasn't been part of mine, in reality. I thought I made a statement to myself that I had definitely moved on when I decided to marry my husband. But deep inside, I guess my heart says otherwise.
Is this normal?? I can only theorize that I'm subconsciously looking to restore a future that was abruptly and unfairly lost (my parents moved and I had no control over it), but that doesn't help me live happily today, in the life I have. I've tried applying reason, telling myself that people don't marry their middle-school sweethearts anyway, so we would've broken up at some point, etc. etc. But since it never played out, I think I'll never really have closure. Every time I have one of these dreams, I feel disappointed when I wake up, but also extremely guilty for having these feelings, and I worry that it means I don't really love my husband. It's getting to the point where I don't believe time will heal it, and I don't know if there's anything I can do. So please, does anyone know of any tricks, rituals, exercises, ANYTHING to sever this lost love from me? And if it truly sounds like I made the wrong choice in marriage, well, it would break my heart, but I'd want to hear that too.
I am constantly haunted by dreams about my unfulfilled first love. He was a boy I knew in late elementary and middle school. At the time, probably like many girls that age, I had it in my head that we were meant for each other. This wasn't an unattainable crush, either - we were pretty much on the same level socially and intellectually, and in fact we did spend a decent amount of time teasing each other and competing academically. The fact was that I didn't feel old enough to start dating yet, but I thought that might change by high school. Then, between middle school and high school, my family moved to a different state.
He and I communicated for awhile (e-mail, chat, etc.) and it eventually came to light that we both had had feelings for each other. It wasn't discussed any further - no discussion of the present or the future, just one of those "Oh, that's how it was" things. As a kid, I was powerless to do anything about it, anyway. I almost didn't want to know if he still felt the same way, because that would've made my position more painful. Eventually we fell out of contact. We're friends on Facebook and have had a few minor exchanges there, but I don't use Facebook very heavily at all.
So now, in my mid-twenties, I am married (to a different guy I met in college), working, we have our pet cats as family and our lives are on their way. I don't know what to say about my husband except that I love him, we've shared so many more experiences together than I ever did with my "first love", we have a lot in common and he's my best friend in the world. But I've never felt on fire with him, that sort of "click" I still thought I was expecting but at some point decided to just bury -- because I told myself it was childish, impractical.
In these dreams, which seem to occur with regularity at least several times monthly, I am reunited with my "first love" and everything feels "right" in the universe. Sometimes there are obstacles, and sometimes my husband is one of them, which I feel absolutely awful about. The dreams are always vivid, occasionally sexual, and most of the time he still looks very young, like how I remember him. I have photographic evidence that he is his own person, a grown adult (but still, I must say, extremely cute) and he has his own life now. I haven't been part of it for 13 years, and he hasn't been part of mine, in reality. I thought I made a statement to myself that I had definitely moved on when I decided to marry my husband. But deep inside, I guess my heart says otherwise.
Is this normal?? I can only theorize that I'm subconsciously looking to restore a future that was abruptly and unfairly lost (my parents moved and I had no control over it), but that doesn't help me live happily today, in the life I have. I've tried applying reason, telling myself that people don't marry their middle-school sweethearts anyway, so we would've broken up at some point, etc. etc. But since it never played out, I think I'll never really have closure. Every time I have one of these dreams, I feel disappointed when I wake up, but also extremely guilty for having these feelings, and I worry that it means I don't really love my husband. It's getting to the point where I don't believe time will heal it, and I don't know if there's anything I can do. So please, does anyone know of any tricks, rituals, exercises, ANYTHING to sever this lost love from me? And if it truly sounds like I made the wrong choice in marriage, well, it would break my heart, but I'd want to hear that too.