Getting rid of a toxic friendship

[winter_ruins]

So, this is the story of me and my asshole friend, T. T and I have been kinda friends for almost a year now. When I first met him, he was being a dick to his best friend and girlfriend because he was drunk and beligerent, and I didn't like him at all. I became friends with his best friend, so I got to hang out with him for a bit and got to like

Comments

[scien]

Hmm... I feel like both of these are slightly mountains out of molehills? Not in terms of the original issues with either of these people, which are pretty big, but in terms of how you handle it now that you know how you feel about them

[winter_ruins]

Yeah, when he asked to hang out I just said that I already had plans that night, it wasn't a "eww, no" type thing even if that's what I felt, and I didnt respond to his "I'm just trying to make you show who you ~*~truly are~*~ message. I tries my beat to ignore him when he was going on about how idiotically insane I must be to follow my religion, but it didn't go very well (I definitely tried to go for the 'glazed over eyes' look for the two hours he talked at me). I have a hard time deleting people off Facebook (especially when I know I'll see then), but I'm thinking I might have to.

As for directly ending friendships (like I did with G), I know I always fret and think about it forever and hate it and am hurt when people just cut off contact with me for seemling no reason, so I try to go that route when I've decided to end a friendship. D= is that the wrong way to go about it? (Genuinely asking as I really aren't good with the whole interpersonal relationships thing.)

[scien]

Sorry, my comment was a bit rambly and confusing, I was in a rush.

I would say there is nooo problem with being rude to T, i.e. 'no, not interested' rather than a polite excuse for why you're turning down an invite, 'that's not clever, it's just rude. I'm going to go enjoy the show, bye' rather than listening for two hours (?!!!!) if he's going on about your religion, whatever it takes to get him off your back.

I don't think there's a correct way to end a friendship really. In the case of someone like T who's being insulting and misogynistic, I also really don't mind. In the case of G it's a bit harder, but I don't think you need to be rude to break it off either. But as I said I don't think it's a major crime against humanity to hold a grudge and send someone a pissed off text. You asked if you'd been a bit harsh in that message, I said yes, but given you *were* trying to burn that bridge, meh. Probably it could have been done more gracefully but these things are never fun.

[gorgeousg]

Re: G-- to your two questions-- 1. I do think you were overly harsh for the reasons indicated by scien above. A simple "No, I don't want to continue our friendship because you haven't been making time for me" would have served the same purpose and been much kinder. 2. Yes, I personally would have let him slide with respect to not hanging out with you-- I mean, he's got a new baby and what sounds like has been for a while a tumultuous relationship with the baby's mother, and it's been a matter of months that he's not been making you a priority-- IMO, that's not very long under his circumstances. Maybe he's been having a hard time dealing with things. I personally don't end friendships just because someone falls out of touch for a while; I end them if someone isn't treating me or a mutual friend well. Anyway, you asked for opinions and that's my 2 cents. You're perfectly entitled to end any friendship, obviously.

[winter_ruins]

I was actually willing to let the "Doesn't have much time for me" thing slide. I mean, new baby and all, except that he had time for his other close friends. But what kind of made me go all "Ugh, stabby pain in the heart" was when his son's birthday showed up on my "suggest events" page on Facebook because a whole bunch of our mutual friends (like, a whole bunch) were invited but not me, and I just couldn't understand why not because I took an interest in the baby and would play with him when I had to stop by to pick up things or drop off things, and would ask G about him on the occassional time that we texted, or when I would ask G to hang out I'd be like "And bring the family!" and bought him an adorable yet-kinda-expensive Christmas present, because I considered G one of my Best Friends for the last five years and he obviously didn't feel the same. =(

ETA: G doesn't have facebook, though the baby-mama does. But a text being "Hey, we're having a get together in the park near our house for a BBQ for my kid's birthday on Sunday

[topf]

I actually like the way you burned the bridges with that second dude of the story. Sure, it could have been done more tactfully but he wasnt very tactful to you, so who cares?

A bit more of that wouldnt harm with the other dude. I agree with scien. You need to be consistent and ignore him. Dont listen to him for two hours, get rid of him on facebook, dont answer to his messages, avoid, avoid, avoid. If your mutual friends ask questions, simply tell them you dont get along and ask them to respect that. At some point he'll get tired of trying to talk to you.

[diana_molloy]

Just block T from Facebook and ignore him. I'm not really sure why you're making it a big deal in the sense of just don't talk to him and unless its something like a show avoid being around him. You didn't need to stand there listening to him for 2 hours?

[winter_ruins]

Ahah, my T doesn't actually go by T. It's just the first letter of his first name, though depending where you are it's possible. My T and his girlfriend broke up a few months ago though, but his girlfriend was always super cool. I've just removed him from Facebook now, but if he tries to contact me I may move on to blocking him (I don't really like blocking people. I've only had to block one person before, who was also a misogynistic creep and when I finally decided to end end the friendship and delete him, he kept messaging me with super gross creepy things ["If a girl ever accuses me of raping her, I will straight up murder her"]). But yeah, your T sounds a lot like mine.