Getting rid of a toxic friendship
So, this is the story of me and my asshole friend, T. T and I have been kinda friends for almost a year now. When I first met him, he was being a dick to his best friend and girlfriend because he was drunk and beligerent, and I didn't like him at all. I became friends with his best friend, so I got to hang out with him for a bit and got to like him somewhat. I'm 25 and he's somewhere in his 30s, if that helps.
Anyway, I'm a big ole feminist. I'd post stuff on feminism and he'd be like "Name one law that oppresses women" and "You just gotta accept social sexism because who cares what people think of you, be your own person." I'd post social statistics and he'd be like "Those are opinion" and I'd point out personal sexism and he'd be like "It never happened" or something like that. Women aren't actually paid less than men. Gender based violence and sexual assault don't count because men experience it too. Blah blah blah. And our arguments on the internet aren't really ~real~ arguments because they take place on the internet. Finally when I saw him IRL, he was like "Let's just not talk about it anymore" and I was willing to accept that because mutual friends and keeping the peace and all that jazz.
I texted him a few times and he never responded.
This summer, I was going on a camping trip, and invited him and his best friend to come along. Best friend couldn't because he was starting school around that time, but T agreed to come. A week before the camping trip I hadn't heard anything from him, so I asked if he was still coming, both through text and through Facebook messaging. Four days later, he responded through Facebook that he couldn't come, but hey, he met this (19 year old) girl who I'm friends with on Facebook. I explained she was friends with one of my exes, and we don't really talk, but he told me to put in a good word with her if I ever saw her.
The I posted an article on feminism and he responded within an hour of me posting it with some snide comment. I rolled my eyes and decided that I was pretty much done (he can't respond in a timely fashion when I ask him a direct yes or no question, but oh look, I posted something about feminism, he'd better respond RIGHT AWAY OMG).
A few days after that he texted me for the first time ever (even in response to texts I had sent him) about how the highest paid staff member at his workplace is a woman and she doesn't feel the need to lead a cause or something. I responded back basically telling him I was done with this friendship and I wasn't going to deal with an asshole like him as one of my friends, and that I put up with a less shit from people who I liked more than him before I ended my friendship with those people.
We didn't talk for a while, until he messaged me on Facebook one day when I was feeling crummy about how he'd always be there as my friend and he cares about me and blah blah blah. I told him I was an Anthonly LeVey Satanist (I tend to just describe myself as an Athiest so I don't have to deal with people being like "Gasp! Satanism! Sacraficing puppies and babies!"). He also went on about how I shouldn't be bummed out that I don't have any close friends because, despite the fact that somehow he has amazing friends who deal with his bullshit constantly, friends aren't necessary. I, once again, told him I was done with dealing with toxic people in my life and people who were assholes to me, but this time didn't mention him specifically.
The last time I saw him was at a punk show, where he was with our mutual friend. I wanted to hang out with mutual friend, but T kept talking to me. All night. About how my depression was all in my head and I should get over it or something along those lines. Then he went on about Satanism, telling me all these things that just weren't true about my religion, but he knows because he reads philosophical books or something, and telling me how only idiots and insane people were Satanists (I rolled my eyes, told him I did have a mental illness, so clearly it worked out just fine for me), that Buddhism was a far better choice and I should be that instead, and that Satanism was all about being yourself and how you can't rely on anyone if you're a Satanist, and I'm too nice of a person to be a Satanist and all of this was against the religion (see also: no it's not, and besides, he always goes on and on about how I should be for myself and who needs friends anyway so I have no idea what's going through his head), and that again, he will always be there for me. I tried to ignore him and slipped away as often as I could to dance with mutual friend or just... you know, stand by myself, but he'd always seek me out to continue the conversation. Afterward, he messaged me on Facebook with something like "I only antagonize you so you'll show your true colours/you can find out who you really are." What, because we both had tough pasts and you turned into a giant dickwad and I ended up caring about other people and am generally nice and shit, I can't be showing who I truly am? Really? After that, he invited me to go another show with him (just him, no mutual friend, who's studying pretty hard right now), which I declined (partly because I was going to a house party at his ex-girlfriend's house, and partly because uggghhh. Absolutely not interested in hanging out with him).
Anyway, the long and short of it is that I can't necessarily stop hanging out with the guy because of mutual friend, but I've already straight up told him I don't want to be friends with him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can just let him know I really have zero interest in talking to him if we're in the same place and he should really just leave me alone? I'm pretty bad at confronting people when I see them in person, but I feel like if this keeps up I just might explode and cause a huge scene and possibly alienate mutual friend.
And now just for some general opinions on a second friendship I ended:
So, G and I have been friends for a long time. He was best friends with my first boyfriend. At one point we both kind of had a crush on each other, but I got over it for verious reasons (part of it I have two rules on who I date/sleep with: Can't be friends with any of my exes, and they can't be the ex of any of my friends). We were pretty good friends, and I would have considered him one of my best dude friends.
Just over a year ago he had a baby with his on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again (continue on like that for a while. They've been dating for like, seven years or so, but I'm not sure if they were ever together for more than a year at a time). He moved in with her. Her and I weren't really friends, but we got along okay. My ex and I had tried to be friends again, and that worked well until, I assume, his new girlfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me anymore [I have no actual proof of this, but events leading up to his constant blowing me off implies it was]. Me and my ex are both relatively mature though, and I'm fairly sure we could be civil if we were in the same room.
I came over and played with Baby a couple times, bought him a Christmas present, etc. Anyway, I invited G out a few times and he declined most of them (including my birthday). He asked me if I'd be willing to exchange "photos" and I mentioned that that was a horrible idea because he was still dating his baby-mama, and also, was still best friends with my ex. Then the summer passed and I hadn't been invited to either his nor his son's birthday parties.
He texted me just over two weeks ago saying he and his baby-mama and he broke up. I made sure he was alright and had a place to stay (since he had been living with her and the baby), he assured me he did, then he asked me out for drinks. I responded with:
"Ahah, maybe. But frankly, and I don't wanna be a bitche while you're going through a hard time, but if I'm not a good enough friend to go to your/your son's birthdays, I'm not sure if I'm qualified to help you with a breakup."
He responded with "Uh, ok."
And that's the last time we contact eachother. Was I being a bit harsh? Should I have just ignored the fact that he refused to hang out with me (but not any of his other friends) because he had a baby and was busy?
Anyway, I'm a big ole feminist. I'd post stuff on feminism and he'd be like "Name one law that oppresses women" and "You just gotta accept social sexism because who cares what people think of you, be your own person." I'd post social statistics and he'd be like "Those are opinion" and I'd point out personal sexism and he'd be like "It never happened" or something like that. Women aren't actually paid less than men. Gender based violence and sexual assault don't count because men experience it too. Blah blah blah. And our arguments on the internet aren't really ~real~ arguments because they take place on the internet. Finally when I saw him IRL, he was like "Let's just not talk about it anymore" and I was willing to accept that because mutual friends and keeping the peace and all that jazz.
I texted him a few times and he never responded.
This summer, I was going on a camping trip, and invited him and his best friend to come along. Best friend couldn't because he was starting school around that time, but T agreed to come. A week before the camping trip I hadn't heard anything from him, so I asked if he was still coming, both through text and through Facebook messaging. Four days later, he responded through Facebook that he couldn't come, but hey, he met this (19 year old) girl who I'm friends with on Facebook. I explained she was friends with one of my exes, and we don't really talk, but he told me to put in a good word with her if I ever saw her.
The I posted an article on feminism and he responded within an hour of me posting it with some snide comment. I rolled my eyes and decided that I was pretty much done (he can't respond in a timely fashion when I ask him a direct yes or no question, but oh look, I posted something about feminism, he'd better respond RIGHT AWAY OMG).
A few days after that he texted me for the first time ever (even in response to texts I had sent him) about how the highest paid staff member at his workplace is a woman and she doesn't feel the need to lead a cause or something. I responded back basically telling him I was done with this friendship and I wasn't going to deal with an asshole like him as one of my friends, and that I put up with a less shit from people who I liked more than him before I ended my friendship with those people.
We didn't talk for a while, until he messaged me on Facebook one day when I was feeling crummy about how he'd always be there as my friend and he cares about me and blah blah blah. I told him I was an Anthonly LeVey Satanist (I tend to just describe myself as an Athiest so I don't have to deal with people being like "Gasp! Satanism! Sacraficing puppies and babies!"). He also went on about how I shouldn't be bummed out that I don't have any close friends because, despite the fact that somehow he has amazing friends who deal with his bullshit constantly, friends aren't necessary. I, once again, told him I was done with dealing with toxic people in my life and people who were assholes to me, but this time didn't mention him specifically.
The last time I saw him was at a punk show, where he was with our mutual friend. I wanted to hang out with mutual friend, but T kept talking to me. All night. About how my depression was all in my head and I should get over it or something along those lines. Then he went on about Satanism, telling me all these things that just weren't true about my religion, but he knows because he reads philosophical books or something, and telling me how only idiots and insane people were Satanists (I rolled my eyes, told him I did have a mental illness, so clearly it worked out just fine for me), that Buddhism was a far better choice and I should be that instead, and that Satanism was all about being yourself and how you can't rely on anyone if you're a Satanist, and I'm too nice of a person to be a Satanist and all of this was against the religion (see also: no it's not, and besides, he always goes on and on about how I should be for myself and who needs friends anyway so I have no idea what's going through his head), and that again, he will always be there for me. I tried to ignore him and slipped away as often as I could to dance with mutual friend or just... you know, stand by myself, but he'd always seek me out to continue the conversation. Afterward, he messaged me on Facebook with something like "I only antagonize you so you'll show your true colours/you can find out who you really are." What, because we both had tough pasts and you turned into a giant dickwad and I ended up caring about other people and am generally nice and shit, I can't be showing who I truly am? Really? After that, he invited me to go another show with him (just him, no mutual friend, who's studying pretty hard right now), which I declined (partly because I was going to a house party at his ex-girlfriend's house, and partly because uggghhh. Absolutely not interested in hanging out with him).
Anyway, the long and short of it is that I can't necessarily stop hanging out with the guy because of mutual friend, but I've already straight up told him I don't want to be friends with him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can just let him know I really have zero interest in talking to him if we're in the same place and he should really just leave me alone? I'm pretty bad at confronting people when I see them in person, but I feel like if this keeps up I just might explode and cause a huge scene and possibly alienate mutual friend.
And now just for some general opinions on a second friendship I ended:
So, G and I have been friends for a long time. He was best friends with my first boyfriend. At one point we both kind of had a crush on each other, but I got over it for verious reasons (part of it I have two rules on who I date/sleep with: Can't be friends with any of my exes, and they can't be the ex of any of my friends). We were pretty good friends, and I would have considered him one of my best dude friends.
Just over a year ago he had a baby with his on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again (continue on like that for a while. They've been dating for like, seven years or so, but I'm not sure if they were ever together for more than a year at a time). He moved in with her. Her and I weren't really friends, but we got along okay. My ex and I had tried to be friends again, and that worked well until, I assume, his new girlfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me anymore [I have no actual proof of this, but events leading up to his constant blowing me off implies it was]. Me and my ex are both relatively mature though, and I'm fairly sure we could be civil if we were in the same room.
I came over and played with Baby a couple times, bought him a Christmas present, etc. Anyway, I invited G out a few times and he declined most of them (including my birthday). He asked me if I'd be willing to exchange "photos" and I mentioned that that was a horrible idea because he was still dating his baby-mama, and also, was still best friends with my ex. Then the summer passed and I hadn't been invited to either his nor his son's birthday parties.
He texted me just over two weeks ago saying he and his baby-mama and he broke up. I made sure he was alright and had a place to stay (since he had been living with her and the baby), he assured me he did, then he asked me out for drinks. I responded with:
"Ahah, maybe. But frankly, and I don't wanna be a bitche while you're going through a hard time, but if I'm not a good enough friend to go to your/your son's birthdays, I'm not sure if I'm qualified to help you with a breakup."
He responded with "Uh, ok."
And that's the last time we contact eachother. Was I being a bit harsh? Should I have just ignored the fact that he refused to hang out with me (but not any of his other friends) because he had a baby and was busy?