How do you know it's the right time to get married?

[hazelline]

I've been finding it really hard to articulate what I'm worrying about but here goes... I'm moving in with my boyfriend for the summer, and there's a good chance he's planning to propose. We love each other, are committed to each other, and make each other happy - I'm not questioning if he's the right guy for me. My only niggle is the thought that

Comments

[hazelline]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

To answer your points... "The rush" on deciding is because we can't simply live together or in the same place without getting married. So our choices are either get married when I'm done with grad school, or continue to date living in separate countries. I'm not loving the idea of the latter, partly because I feel like I would have my life even more on hold at home. If I know that I want to marry him eventually, I can't really commit to finding a new city, job, house etc in England. It would also be a huge struggle for us to keep financing trips to see each other.

As for craving attention from other people sometimes, I'm trying to put it in perspective. On the one hand, I agree with you that it can be a red flag that someone is not 100% sure of their current relationship. On the other hand, I don't find it negatively impacts my relationship. Sometimes I will develop a crush on someone I work with or whatever, but I won't show it or talk about it to anyone, and in a week or two it's gone. I feel like this is natural and not something that I can expect to never ever happen.

I think the list is a great idea! I actually had a long talk with my boyfriend about my worries, and I'm thinking we should both write lists and talk about it together. After I wrote this post, I at least felt like I had a better idea of what my actual concerns were, and it's helped us to start a real conversation about it all. He said to me that he does want to propose to me this year, but he won't do it unless it's crystal clear that we're both ready.

Thanks again for the help!

[aliwalas]

Glad it was of help :)

And yes, writing things down helps a lot. I actually had a recent "big decision-making" moment. Well, it was about my career. I was really excited about the new job offer but there were parts of me wanting to stay. When I was telling people why I'm moving, it felt like I was convincing myself why I'm moving. I really tried to be honest with my "pros" and "cons". When I wrote things down, I asked my self again why I wanted to leave my job...because my "pros" were so much more than my "cons" lol. In your case, even if you have more "cons" and decide not to get married yet, at least it's not like a job offer in which you have to decide and the offer will be gone a few months down the road :p

I also wrote down the list because I know myself. I know that I change my mind too much and having a list was a constant reminder for myself why I went with the decision that I made. If you do decide to get married and get the jitters closer to the time, you'll have that list to remind yourself why it's best for you to get married already. So I suggest you hold on to that list.

I can see the whole "staring the life already" situation. I mean, your cost for seeing each other could be saved for a house down payment.

In terms of "red flags", you're right. We all want to feel wanted and I agree that it's natural to have a crush here and there. The comment was more towards your concern about having that feeling of "new" this and that. You know, that butterfly feeling of "first times". I guess with my previous relationship or my current one, I never had that specific thought. To me, (for my situation), if that sparked, I would question my status with the guy. But, you know what you're doing anyways. You seem very aware with your boundaries and what not, so I guess for your part, that's normal.

Well good luck with things!

[jeh_jeh]

I think you've summed up the crux of your decision in this reply: if you feel like your life would be on hold if you stayed in the UK, go. Decisions like this are always going to seem huge and scary and terrifying, and I don't think anyone ever feels one hundred percent sure. I guess your situation is more complicated because you'll have to get married to get round the visa issues (even if this isn't your primary reason) but, at the end of the day, if it's a complete disaster you can just move home. It sounds to me like you're not going to make any life progress by staying in the UK, so I would just go. (I'm British, twenty-three and have done temporary long-distance. I couldn't have managed if I didn't have a concrete end point)

[whitneythegreat]

I know this is a few days old, but I wanted to throw out there that yes, it's absolutely normal to have crushes or minor feelings for other people as long as you have self control. My husband was only my second boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend, so of course sometimes we get curious about other people. And I had a huge crush on a coworker at my last job. But we acknowledge these things, laugh about them, and have no issue with the other having fantasies and all that.

As long as you're able to stay faithful (or, work out a positive arrangement of an open relationship, which is something we don't do but lots of people do) then don't worry about it. :)