How do you know it's the right time to get married?
I've been finding it really hard to articulate what I'm worrying about but here goes... I'm moving in with my boyfriend for the summer, and there's a good chance he's planning to propose. We love each other, are committed to each other, and make each other happy - I'm not questioning if he's the right guy for me. My only niggle is the thought that it may be too soon, but a) we don't have any easy alternatives, and b) I can't figure out if my worries come from me or from other people's opinions.
What I mean by a) is that I am British and he is American. We met 2.5 years ago when I was doing a year abroad here, continued dating when I went back home to England with some visits back and forth, then I got into graduate school a few states away. (He was a positive factor in my decision to return, but the program itself was perfect for me and I was given a scholarship, so it wasn't something I did just to be near him!) Now, we see each other for holidays/breaks/occasional weekends and talk every day on the phone. We've had our struggles with the LDR, but overall we're good at communicating and making time for each other while still having our own lives. He didn't move to my grad school town because it's a small place with no jobs in his field; I wasn't upset because I knew I'd be really busy anyway. I'm half-way through the program now. I'm going to live with him over the summer while I do an internship in his town, then return for my final year here, and we're planning on getting married/applying for adjustment of visa status next year. Marriage is our only option for staying together with the visa situation, and I am reluctant to go home and continue the LDR. It feels like it would be a huge step back and I want us to have a life together.
As for b), my worries are that I still want to travel and have the freedom to pursue jobs in whatever places I want to, and I know that will be harder with two people to consider. He is a fairly adventurous person too, but I feel like I have the travel bug more strongly. I'm also feeling some sadness about being so far away from my friends and family. He is open to the idea of moving to England one day, but the fact is that I have American education/more familiarity with the culture and it would be difficult for us to do that any time soon. Most of the time I am okay with this, but occasionally I am plagued with guilt about having moved away from my parents/brothers with no plan to return. Finally, I have occasional jitters about this being It, no first dates/kisses/sex with anyone ever again. I don't have any desire to cheat, and I don't flirt with other guys or hide the fact that I have a boyfriend here, it just sometimes feels scary to think all those shiny new feelings will never be felt again.
I mentioned with b) that I am also thinking of other people's opinions. Our situation is somewhat unusual, which makes it difficult to talk about with anyone else. My friends and family at home obviously don't want to think about the fact that I'm not coming back. Compared to most of my friends at home, 23 is considered very young to be thinking about marriage - it's much more common to live together for awhile first. I feel like I can't even talk about it and have to be on the defensive - yes, it's a real relationship despite being LDR, no, we're not discussing it purely for the sake of convenience, no, I don't put everything I want on hold for him. My instinct is that I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I also want to think it through and talk about why it's scary, because it is. I would really love some support from a close friend right now, but I feel like no one is really willing to listen - they just tell me not to do it because they personally would not. I guess what I want are some questions to ask myself/him to make sure we're ready, and some ways to reassure friends/family that I do know what I'm doing.
It's probably important to add, he isn't always great about hearing me worry about this stuff, but he's trying to get better. He's not as anxious about decision-making/path-choosing as I am, so he doesn't entirely understand it, but he has promised to listen more about what questions I still have. I think he may not be as unsettled because he's still in his own country, too. Also, as a cultural thing, here in the South a lot of people DO get married in their early 20s, so that's not as weird to him. Anyway, he told me that it's not a dealbreaker if we don't get married right after I'm done with grad school and have to be apart a while longer, and he wants to support me for whatever I want to do in life. I do want us to talk more about my/his concerns and figure out if this is exactly the right time for us, so any suggestions for how to be constructive there?
Thanks in advance!
What I mean by a) is that I am British and he is American. We met 2.5 years ago when I was doing a year abroad here, continued dating when I went back home to England with some visits back and forth, then I got into graduate school a few states away. (He was a positive factor in my decision to return, but the program itself was perfect for me and I was given a scholarship, so it wasn't something I did just to be near him!) Now, we see each other for holidays/breaks/occasional weekends and talk every day on the phone. We've had our struggles with the LDR, but overall we're good at communicating and making time for each other while still having our own lives. He didn't move to my grad school town because it's a small place with no jobs in his field; I wasn't upset because I knew I'd be really busy anyway. I'm half-way through the program now. I'm going to live with him over the summer while I do an internship in his town, then return for my final year here, and we're planning on getting married/applying for adjustment of visa status next year. Marriage is our only option for staying together with the visa situation, and I am reluctant to go home and continue the LDR. It feels like it would be a huge step back and I want us to have a life together.
As for b), my worries are that I still want to travel and have the freedom to pursue jobs in whatever places I want to, and I know that will be harder with two people to consider. He is a fairly adventurous person too, but I feel like I have the travel bug more strongly. I'm also feeling some sadness about being so far away from my friends and family. He is open to the idea of moving to England one day, but the fact is that I have American education/more familiarity with the culture and it would be difficult for us to do that any time soon. Most of the time I am okay with this, but occasionally I am plagued with guilt about having moved away from my parents/brothers with no plan to return. Finally, I have occasional jitters about this being It, no first dates/kisses/sex with anyone ever again. I don't have any desire to cheat, and I don't flirt with other guys or hide the fact that I have a boyfriend here, it just sometimes feels scary to think all those shiny new feelings will never be felt again.
I mentioned with b) that I am also thinking of other people's opinions. Our situation is somewhat unusual, which makes it difficult to talk about with anyone else. My friends and family at home obviously don't want to think about the fact that I'm not coming back. Compared to most of my friends at home, 23 is considered very young to be thinking about marriage - it's much more common to live together for awhile first. I feel like I can't even talk about it and have to be on the defensive - yes, it's a real relationship despite being LDR, no, we're not discussing it purely for the sake of convenience, no, I don't put everything I want on hold for him. My instinct is that I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I also want to think it through and talk about why it's scary, because it is. I would really love some support from a close friend right now, but I feel like no one is really willing to listen - they just tell me not to do it because they personally would not. I guess what I want are some questions to ask myself/him to make sure we're ready, and some ways to reassure friends/family that I do know what I'm doing.
It's probably important to add, he isn't always great about hearing me worry about this stuff, but he's trying to get better. He's not as anxious about decision-making/path-choosing as I am, so he doesn't entirely understand it, but he has promised to listen more about what questions I still have. I think he may not be as unsettled because he's still in his own country, too. Also, as a cultural thing, here in the South a lot of people DO get married in their early 20s, so that's not as weird to him. Anyway, he told me that it's not a dealbreaker if we don't get married right after I'm done with grad school and have to be apart a while longer, and he wants to support me for whatever I want to do in life. I do want us to talk more about my/his concerns and figure out if this is exactly the right time for us, so any suggestions for how to be constructive there?
Thanks in advance!