Burned, and burned bad
Long.
So...an update on THIS (nuances might not be comprehensible without reading prior entry, although general gist should be understandable), and needing advice.
Our friendship had intensified quickly. We talked a lot, and hung out out of the workplace--arranged through MSN and phone conversations. It was great. Oh, he was interested. All was gold...
...until one night late in September, when I went over to his house...and saw a picture of him and his girlfriend on the fridge.
I slept over at his house that night since we hung out 'til about 4 AM and I didn't trust his driving after 26 hours of being awake (I did NOT have sex with him, I must clarify...although not for lack of wanting on his part). He kissed me, and touched me under clothes (although they stayed on), and said he really liked me (and I knew it was wrong but really liked him far too much to say no), but didn't push for sex after I said no, and that I don't want to be in that kind of position.
Despite that, my guilt nearly killed me that week, and I completely fell apart (24+ hours without eating, crying endlessly, etc). Then I pulled myself together a bit, and decided that 1) maybe him and his girl were on the rocks/taking a break, 2) no matter what, I'd like to stay friends, and he'd give me a clear answer eventually, right?
Fast forward a few months. No answer was forthcoming, he still wanted to hang out with me sometimes, and given that I was in the wrong as well (that is, I didn't feel like I should say it was completely his fault, so I felt like we should/could stay friends, never mind that I still really liked him) I agreed. We had lunch a few times...and went overboard a few times. No, no sex. Backrubs, mostly (he was good at it, and he said it was just friendly and I had no idea how to argue the semantics of what was really friendly and what was more, even if I didn't think it was right). And yet, when I forced the issue (despite me being the inexperienced one, I kept noticing that I was the one drawing boundaries and I was the one asking the questions, even though I was the one more hurt), he just said she would be fine with it. I asked him if we would go anywhere, and he said "maybe".
(Unless they were on a really open and extended break I had no idea how anyone could be fine with it, but I admit to my own inexperience/naivete here. Someone enlighten me.)
This cued a few months of sheer agony for me (I literally failed two classes, bombed three others, and flunked out of my honours degree for this), until finally, I decided the issue wasn't if the girlfriend would be okay with it (although possible, re: open relationships and/or extended breaks, but the likelihood of her being okay with it was so slim and besides, he didn't tell me about any of it. I swear he never mentioned his girlfriend EVER unless I actually asked), but that I wasn't okay. I forced the issue, and I got angry, and he finally just said he didn't know what he wanted either, and that we should just remain friends.
Wow, that hurt. Not that I wasn't really expecting it after 4 months, but still. Ow.
Okay. Friends. So I stopped phoning him, stopped messaging him, but if he called/messaged, I would talk with him (I figured that given he was my work supervisor, it really wasn't a good idea for me to burn all my bridges). I swear the FBI couldn't find anything incriminating about anything we talk about, other than how it's unusually long. I thought I was even okay with just being friends, even though a part of me was still hurting, and another part hated him for never being honest. (I'm well aware that I'm not on the side of the angels regarding his girlfriend--I did mess around with him when I knew he was taken, if never had sex with him--but I rather think his blame's bigger than mine on that score and I never lied to HIM, ever.)
Fast forward a bit more. This past Saturday. I was talking with a few coworkers when he dashed in to grab some pop, a black-clad shadow closely behind. He said hi to those of us lounging at the front (me included), and nodded to me, then shadow (who was actually a girl about 4-5 years my senior), and said "hakaisha, this is M. M, hakaisha."
...which would be totally fine, except I recognized the name. Yup, that was the girlfriend.
Adding fat to the fire was that Pat, a friend of his and also a coworker whom I love, mentioned on New Year's Eve (this past Monday, two days after he introduced the Girlfriend to me) that she was going over to his place 'cause he and his girlfriend was having a get-together. Later on, he came shopping, went through my checkout like before, and during conversation (which I kept as stiff and distant as humanly possible), actually asked me if I wanted to go (although he didn't mention girlfriend would be present, I guessed even before Pat mentioned her).
I'm not sure if the man hasn't the brains and tact God gave a damn canteloupe and didn't give it a second thought past "okay, we're just friends now, friends being introduced and/or in presence of Girlfriend should be okay! Besides, introduction means I'm not hiding, right?" or if he was being cruel and manipulative and wanted to see me jump, but what the hell was that?
I stopped being okay with "just friends" that night. That really hurt.
Since then, I've been utterly pissed off at him, have not answered/returned any calls from him (he doesn't call me very often anymore--used to--but he called 'cause he still has a Christmas present for me. I hung up on him anyway), etc. He saw me again today, but simply waved hi/bye briefly (he was just dashing in/out again) and didn't say much. Finally some distance. Too little, too late though.
Now. Given that this angst made me trash my grades very thoroughly (my advisor wants to talk to me about it later this week, since I failed out of my honours program), I've been tempted to quit, and if my advisor advises me to spend more time on academics (she likely will), I really might quit early (my very original plan was to quit in April), even though I love the rest of my coworkers and would like to stay for them, if not him.
When we were good, he got me two gifts--one randomly, one for my birthday. Both were fandom collection pieces: bit harder to find than most, and probably on the expensive side. I was very touched when he gave them to me, but now...I can't even look at them, much less wear them. And given his insensitivity about the introduction and party thing...my questions:
1) Would it be worth it for me to quit my job? Again, I do love the rest of my coworkers, and I almost never see him at work. Also, being a poor college student, I still have bills to pay (I support myself). However, being my supervisor, he still makes my schedules (which was why I never outright antagonized him these past months, even if my respect for him waned over time), so back to before: I never see him, but I'm still not free from him at work.
2) In your opinion, was he just a fucking idiot (which I can maybe forgive, with time) for his actions over the past couple of months (perhaps they were rocky/on a break and he did like me) and tactless, or was he downright manipulating me and just wanted to watch me jump (I was just a stand-in in the meanwhile, and he was lying through his teeth entirely)?
3) When I quit (and I will, eventually; it's a matter of how soon)...should I give him back those two gifts? Part of me does want to hurt him, but a) they ARE really nice collector's items, even if he was the one to give them to me, and b) I'm not sure if he was being manipulative or not, and if he was just a bastard, I'm not sure giving it back would even hurt him either, and that is a large part of why I would like to give them back, petty as it is.
*sigh* This was totally not the way I imagined my first to be...advice on getting over him would be nice, too. (No, I'm under no illusions that we'd ever have anything anymore, if we ever did, his "maybe" or not. But damn, it hurts.)
So...an update on THIS (nuances might not be comprehensible without reading prior entry, although general gist should be understandable), and needing advice.
Our friendship had intensified quickly. We talked a lot, and hung out out of the workplace--arranged through MSN and phone conversations. It was great. Oh, he was interested. All was gold...
...until one night late in September, when I went over to his house...and saw a picture of him and his girlfriend on the fridge.
I slept over at his house that night since we hung out 'til about 4 AM and I didn't trust his driving after 26 hours of being awake (I did NOT have sex with him, I must clarify...although not for lack of wanting on his part). He kissed me, and touched me under clothes (although they stayed on), and said he really liked me (and I knew it was wrong but really liked him far too much to say no), but didn't push for sex after I said no, and that I don't want to be in that kind of position.
Despite that, my guilt nearly killed me that week, and I completely fell apart (24+ hours without eating, crying endlessly, etc). Then I pulled myself together a bit, and decided that 1) maybe him and his girl were on the rocks/taking a break, 2) no matter what, I'd like to stay friends, and he'd give me a clear answer eventually, right?
Fast forward a few months. No answer was forthcoming, he still wanted to hang out with me sometimes, and given that I was in the wrong as well (that is, I didn't feel like I should say it was completely his fault, so I felt like we should/could stay friends, never mind that I still really liked him) I agreed. We had lunch a few times...and went overboard a few times. No, no sex. Backrubs, mostly (he was good at it, and he said it was just friendly and I had no idea how to argue the semantics of what was really friendly and what was more, even if I didn't think it was right). And yet, when I forced the issue (despite me being the inexperienced one, I kept noticing that I was the one drawing boundaries and I was the one asking the questions, even though I was the one more hurt), he just said she would be fine with it. I asked him if we would go anywhere, and he said "maybe".
(Unless they were on a really open and extended break I had no idea how anyone could be fine with it, but I admit to my own inexperience/naivete here. Someone enlighten me.)
This cued a few months of sheer agony for me (I literally failed two classes, bombed three others, and flunked out of my honours degree for this), until finally, I decided the issue wasn't if the girlfriend would be okay with it (although possible, re: open relationships and/or extended breaks, but the likelihood of her being okay with it was so slim and besides, he didn't tell me about any of it. I swear he never mentioned his girlfriend EVER unless I actually asked), but that I wasn't okay. I forced the issue, and I got angry, and he finally just said he didn't know what he wanted either, and that we should just remain friends.
Wow, that hurt. Not that I wasn't really expecting it after 4 months, but still. Ow.
Okay. Friends. So I stopped phoning him, stopped messaging him, but if he called/messaged, I would talk with him (I figured that given he was my work supervisor, it really wasn't a good idea for me to burn all my bridges). I swear the FBI couldn't find anything incriminating about anything we talk about, other than how it's unusually long. I thought I was even okay with just being friends, even though a part of me was still hurting, and another part hated him for never being honest. (I'm well aware that I'm not on the side of the angels regarding his girlfriend--I did mess around with him when I knew he was taken, if never had sex with him--but I rather think his blame's bigger than mine on that score and I never lied to HIM, ever.)
Fast forward a bit more. This past Saturday. I was talking with a few coworkers when he dashed in to grab some pop, a black-clad shadow closely behind. He said hi to those of us lounging at the front (me included), and nodded to me, then shadow (who was actually a girl about 4-5 years my senior), and said "hakaisha, this is M. M, hakaisha."
...which would be totally fine, except I recognized the name. Yup, that was the girlfriend.
Adding fat to the fire was that Pat, a friend of his and also a coworker whom I love, mentioned on New Year's Eve (this past Monday, two days after he introduced the Girlfriend to me) that she was going over to his place 'cause he and his girlfriend was having a get-together. Later on, he came shopping, went through my checkout like before, and during conversation (which I kept as stiff and distant as humanly possible), actually asked me if I wanted to go (although he didn't mention girlfriend would be present, I guessed even before Pat mentioned her).
I'm not sure if the man hasn't the brains and tact God gave a damn canteloupe and didn't give it a second thought past "okay, we're just friends now, friends being introduced and/or in presence of Girlfriend should be okay! Besides, introduction means I'm not hiding, right?" or if he was being cruel and manipulative and wanted to see me jump, but what the hell was that?
I stopped being okay with "just friends" that night. That really hurt.
Since then, I've been utterly pissed off at him, have not answered/returned any calls from him (he doesn't call me very often anymore--used to--but he called 'cause he still has a Christmas present for me. I hung up on him anyway), etc. He saw me again today, but simply waved hi/bye briefly (he was just dashing in/out again) and didn't say much. Finally some distance. Too little, too late though.
Now. Given that this angst made me trash my grades very thoroughly (my advisor wants to talk to me about it later this week, since I failed out of my honours program), I've been tempted to quit, and if my advisor advises me to spend more time on academics (she likely will), I really might quit early (my very original plan was to quit in April), even though I love the rest of my coworkers and would like to stay for them, if not him.
When we were good, he got me two gifts--one randomly, one for my birthday. Both were fandom collection pieces: bit harder to find than most, and probably on the expensive side. I was very touched when he gave them to me, but now...I can't even look at them, much less wear them. And given his insensitivity about the introduction and party thing...my questions:
1) Would it be worth it for me to quit my job? Again, I do love the rest of my coworkers, and I almost never see him at work. Also, being a poor college student, I still have bills to pay (I support myself). However, being my supervisor, he still makes my schedules (which was why I never outright antagonized him these past months, even if my respect for him waned over time), so back to before: I never see him, but I'm still not free from him at work.
2) In your opinion, was he just a fucking idiot (which I can maybe forgive, with time) for his actions over the past couple of months (perhaps they were rocky/on a break and he did like me) and tactless, or was he downright manipulating me and just wanted to watch me jump (I was just a stand-in in the meanwhile, and he was lying through his teeth entirely)?
3) When I quit (and I will, eventually; it's a matter of how soon)...should I give him back those two gifts? Part of me does want to hurt him, but a) they ARE really nice collector's items, even if he was the one to give them to me, and b) I'm not sure if he was being manipulative or not, and if he was just a bastard, I'm not sure giving it back would even hurt him either, and that is a large part of why I would like to give them back, petty as it is.
*sigh* This was totally not the way I imagined my first to be...advice on getting over him would be nice, too. (No, I'm under no illusions that we'd ever have anything anymore, if we ever did, his "maybe" or not. But damn, it hurts.)