[video]

[abominable]

[Anders looks pretty put out when he turns the video on, flopping onto a seat on his bed.] This is completely unfair, I just want this entire planet to know that. Here we are in a perfectly lovely, so far Templar-free alternate world, with blue ale and lovely, terrifying women and still there are sodding darkspawn!

Why are there always darkspawn-

Comments

action;

[abominable]

[he makes a mock wounded look] You really do know all my secrets- I've sworn you to secrecy already, yes? No one must know my shame.

[He pauses in the doorway a moment, frowning. Did he really want to know? Not really, he would be happy pretending all those conversations never happened. Running away was infinitely easier and he happened to be an expert at it. But for all the discomfort he couldn't stand being the only one apparently not in the know. His mind was going absolutely wild with ideas, and all his good night sleeps consisting of broodmothers and shambling horrors hadn't helped his nerves.

He swallows the expression with a smile and finally walks in, taking a seat.] Very nice place you have here, very angry-brother free, one of my favorite qualities. A sad lack of that in the world. [stall stall stall] Hawke, if you don't want to do this- [he looks over at her finally. Part of him was hoping for an out, and the other damnable part of him really didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do.] I could ask Varric, with copious amounts of blue ale involved, no doubt. I just-

[He liked her, part of him even trusted her for reasons he couldn't quite figure out. Future him must have, with all she knew of him] ... well there you have it, your choice. We could just drink again instead, I do love drinking.

action;

[failedhorribly]

Oh no, I was planning to make my million selling them, actually.

[She watches him as he pauses, waiting patiently for him to make up his mind. She doesn't take a seat until he does, one leg crossed over the other; he tells her she doesn't have to do this, and she draws in a slow breath, resisting the urge to talk about mountains, or how strange it is that Coruscant has no weather] I'm not going to withhold the information from you if you want it, Anders. And while Varric is my personal story teller, he tends to take certain liberties.

[She smiles slightly then, amused at herself] Beyond that, I'm not entirely certain I want anyone else telling you everything. It'll make sense once I'm through, no doubt.

action;

[abominable]

Such a market for those secrets too, you'll have people lined up around the block to get a bid in.

I'm- look, I'm not very good at serious. Serious means that you actually have to take things seriously and that- well, that's highly unpleasant most of the time. But- oh Andraste's knickers- I'm not evil. I'm selfish, occasionally irritating and horrible at cards but I'm not...

I don't want to know, I really don't, but if I hear one more offhand comment about this terrible future I'll rip my hair out, and no one wants that. It's lovely.

[he glances over at her when that ramble is done.] At least tell me, am I some... horrible evil, chantry destroying abomination of malice? And here I though balding would be my biggest worry, funny how life goes.

action;

[failedhorribly]

Well, that's one thing, at the very least. In the time I know you, you're rather good at being serious. Too good, actually, although I suppose...when I first met you, you were more like this. In flashes, though.

[She looks down at her hands for a moment, trying to think of the words. When she thinks she knows what she wants to say, she lifts her head, meets his gaze dead on] You aren't evil, Anders. You never have been, and if I have any say in it - which I do, happily enough - you never will be. Everything that happens with the Chantry and Kirkwall going all to hell for the umpteenth time, however, is closer to the end of this story than the beginning. While I'm sure Varric would argue the artistic benefits of starting in the middle, that would just make things all kinds of awkward and unnecessary.

So! In the beginning, there was a Grey Warden named Anders and a Fade spirit called Justice. As I understand it, you were rather lazy, and Justice was something of a stick in the mud. He saw what mages are put through, and decided that was spectacularly unjust. After many of what I'm sure were lengthy and fascinating discussions, he eventually convinced you to stop complaining about it and do something. The something that the both of you decided on was hosting Justice in your head, thereby making you extraordinarily powerful and able to do something about it. [She pauses then, and her voice loses the humorous tone] But Justice overestimated his ability to remain separate from you, and you underestimated your rage at the Templars. Your anger...infected him, I suppose you could say. Your friend Justice became Vengeance, and you slaughtered your way out of the Wardens.

[She wrinkles her nose at that, not quite looking at him] That was a tad melodramatic. Sorry. You had a Templar guard, and there were some Wardens who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You fled to Kirkwall.

action;

[abominable]

Too serious for alcohol- still the single most depressing thing I heard so far.

[And Anders is going to sit there, listening. He makes the occasional noise, mostly disbelieving or unhappy, before he just goes quiet. He rubs the back of his neck, not looking at her.] I- I'm going to throw a fireball at Nathaniel's head the next time I see him. He was the one who kept telling Justice he should find a willing host, some nonsense about giving and not taking and- ugh.

[he rubs his temples before sitting up straight.] ... Justice, the poor sod. He's not bad, besides when he's claiming I'm 'enslaving' my cat or is feeling particularly self righteous. I told him it's safer to... well, be safe. And here he thought apathy was the weakness.

... right, sorry, more to say. Just- wait, the Wardens, they- [he looks serious, which is rare!] Do you know who they were? It wasn't- I never told you their names, did I? [God he's hoping it's not Sigrun or Ohgren or Nathaniel or even Velanna, crazy as she was. She was pretty.]

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[failedhorribly]

Oh, but it's such a pretty head. Or voice, at the very least.

[Hawke's fingers twitch slightly when he talks about Justice. She knows it's not the spirit's fault, but that doesn't stop her from blaming him.] He's not the Justice you knew. Even when I met you. The Wardens who died, though...they were never anyone you were extraordinarily close to, I don't think. You would have been much more obnoxious and wracked with guilt about it, otherwise.

Anyway. I told you this earlier, but you set up a free clinic in Kirkwall's Darktown, mostly for the Ferelden refugees. I sauntered in one day, and you turned around all glowy and double-voiced saying something like [and her voice drops] 'I have made this a place of healing and something. Something something rawr rawr I'm scary and intimidating'. I told you I only wanted you for your maps, and you said you'd lend me a hand if I returned the favour, so off we went to break a friend of yours out of the Circle. [she swallows. Great, more bad news] Karl. The plan was to meet in the Chantry and get him out, but the Circle...found out somehow. He was there, but they'd made him Tranquil. You went insane, to put it politely, and murdered the Templars. Being so near to a Fade spirit managed to bring him back to himself for while, he asked us to kill him, so we did. Sharing a death or two tends to bring folks together, I suppose; you sort of started hanging around after that, and I just couldn't get rid of you. [she offers a half smile, trying to show that she's not serious]

action;

[abominable]

Women always have a thing for the Howe nose. Very dignified.

[he lets out a small sigh of relief] Oh good- good. I mean bad actually, wracked with guilt brooding kind of bad, but I don't think Cousland would forgive me if I killed one of his ruffian crew. [and she was right, he'd be an emo mess no one wants to deal with]

I hope the rawrs were that intimidating. [he can't help but grin, and of course that grin is crushed when Karl's brought up] What? But- they can't! They can't do that, you can't turn a mage Tranquil once they passed their Harrowing! And it's Karl, he's- Karl! He wasn't a stick in the mud but he wasn't a troublemaker, why-

[he stops, letting out another breath. Well.] ... is it that bad in the future? Or is it just Kirkwall? [and he pauses again] You must be a very patient woman, or mad. Most people don't abide by friendly abominations.

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[failedhorribly]

[She watches his face closes, and there's a strange ache at seeing him get mad, upset, without turning cracked and blue] It depends on when in the future you mean, but it starts out about that bad and keeps getting worse. Kirkwall was the most extreme, though. Meredith - believe me, as insane as me and the rest of everyone else I know seem, we collectively have nothing on Meredith.

[She shrugs] You were doing more to help people than hurt them. The only people you really wanted to hurt were Templars, and you weren't going about murdering them in the streets. Well, not unless I happened to ask. I spent my life running from those ridiculous skirts, I didn't exactly disagree with your worldview. And the refugees needed you. And you were a healer. I can keep going, if you like.

action;

[abominable]

That- how do they get away with it? How can the rulers of that city not do something- how can the Chantry let that happen? [so upset B( mostly he's still stuck on the Karl thing] Oh right, how could I forget, mages are barely tolerated let alone fought for. Perish the thought that someone other than a mage would mourn a good man being turned into a... ugh.

[He throws his arms up] Is it bad I'm starting to see the appeal of Justice's offer? It is bad. It's terrible. For him more than anyone. [his lips quirk humorlessly] Normally I would love to hear my glowing praises, but- Hawke what happened next? I'm not sure I understand the Chantry bit yet. Unless this 'Meredith' was having a sleepover in there, it sounds absolutely like her cup of tea. Unjust tyrants just love their girl time.

action;

[failedhorribly]

[Hawke's gone over it enough times in her own head that she's pinpointed each instance, each event that was thrown into the pot of Kirkwall until the thing boiled over.] Kirkwall is almost literally the definition of 'everything that can go wrong, will go wrong'. Meredith was insane, the Viscount - well, he was nice enough, but in that place you'd need to have a spine of steel, and his was more incredibly flexible tree branches of some sort. He was more focussed on the Qunari than the situation with the mages, and by the time the Qunari weren't a problem any longer, Meredith had consolidated her hold. As for the Chantry...Elthina didn't want to step in. She felt that showing favouritism to one side or the other would result in open warfare.

[She returns that humourless smile] Oh, this is just the first year of our acquaintance. I'd save your energy for more arm-throwing later, to be honest, this is about as good as it gets. [She passes a hand over her face. This next part is hard enough to talk about to anyone, let alone someone who will be her lover, but isn't yet. Things she would have been comfortable telling her Anders, that he would have understood without her even opening her mouth, aren't quite so easy to tell this man] What happened next was that I collected a bunch of truly insane people. Aveline came to Kirkwall with Bethany and mother and I, and Varric we met after out year of indentured servitude. You were next, and then Isabela, Fenris and Merrill wandered in at various points, I took all sorts of wonderful jobs that usually involved us getting nearly killed and managed to save up the coin necessary to go on this Deep Roads expedition.

[She draws in a breath. Even years later, it sounds so stupid when she says it aloud. She'd managed to collect fifty sovereigns, after all. Why hadn't that been enough?] I already told you what happened in that place. Although the specifics of Varric's brother going insane are important for some foreshadowing later in the story - he picked up a lyrium idol that turned his head. But once we got back from that trip, I was insanely rich, my sister was a Gray Warden, and suddenly every bloody person in Kirkwall needed my help. [she makes a face] I'm sorry, I'm probably making a fabulous impression her, trying to tell you about your future and talking about myself, but - it's all relevant. [is it ever]

action;

[abominable]

Oh trust me, I have a good deal of arm throwing left in me- Warden stamina and all. [He shuts up again to listen, curious about this 'Deep Roads Expedition' he had heard so much about. Of course when the Deep Roads are mentioned he does make a face. Blighted Deep Roads.]

Someone paying to go to the Deep Roads, now that I never thought I'd see. [And his lips quirk with a little more humor than before, though not much] Come now Hawke, you are the hero of this tale, anyone can tell that. Besides, I want to know the future and you're obviously a large part of mine. If you feel the need to boast about a dragon you beheaded with your bare hands don't let me stop you.

action;

[failedhorribly]

[A sudden smiles comes over her face, taking her entirely by surprise, because she knows all about his warden stamina]

Varric could sweet talk a person into selling him their own liver. We had it better than most refugees, with a house in Lowtown instead of a square of dirt in Darktown, but-- [She shrugs. She'd wanted a better life for her family. She'd wanted her mother to be happy and not want to die, any more.] I had the money, so I nabbed my ancestral home back and set my mother up in the lap of luxury, which she seemed to enjoy. Meanwhile, I spent the next three years attempting to help out every damn person who managed to get a relative kidnapped to the Wounded Coast and stopping the rest of you from killing each other while...getting to actually know you, rather than just calling on you when I happened to need an extra sword. Became friends with the Viscount, and tensions with the Qunari kept growing. Things got particularly bad after those three years, and my life suddenly became very active again. Running around rescuing Viscount's sons and talking to the Arishok. You know, I think he liked me! At the very least, he actually...deigned to speak to me, which was more than the rest of Kirkwall could manage.

As for you...[As she gets closer to having to tell him about what, exactly, occurred between the two of them, her story slows down, tone becoming slightly more awkward and pained. It doesn't help, what happens not long after] Well, to put it bluntly, you were bloody paranoid after Karl. You joined a group of mages working to free people from the Circle, became convinced that the Chantry's entire structure needed to be overturned and kissed me one afternoon in your clinic after I spent three years dropping increasingly blatant hints. You spent the night, and there was no getting rid of you after that, so you should be pleased to know that you didn't spend the entirety of your stay in Kirkwall in Darktown! [small she lets out a small groan and buries her face in her hands]

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[abominable]

A nice house is the least you can get in return for all that headache, in my opinion. Does Kirkwall have a fund for people who put up with it's many problems? Like some sort of charity for those who actually try to deal with them. [Ok, joking, that was good, easier than being mad/sad/pissy about Karl and Justice. It was easier to deal with when part of him refused to believe he'd let some of this happen. Maybe it was an ~alternate timeline~. A mage could dream.] Only met one Qunari before, that merchant. Creepy, creepy man, I'm assuming the rest of them are just as frowning and large? Generally just giant mountains with faces stuck like they smelled something unpleasant underfoot? Must make for great conversationalists.

[He almost makes a quip about her rather ominous tone with the 'as for you' but stops himself, frowning a little as she spoke. Paranoid, yeah alright, he could see that even without the abomination thing. When one of your old lovers gets magically lobotomized things tend to take a dark turn.

Of course then she starts talking about kissing and spending the night and what, that was... out of left field. It takes him a second to gear his mind from 'paranoid mage fighting' to 'oh future me and hawke banged']

We- [smooth Anders, smooth] You and I? Or uh, you and future me. Oh, well. That explains your brother. And your sister. And Isabela- Maker, am I that daft that I didn't figure this bit out? Seems obvious now. Not that I can say I'm surprised, dashing, remember? [he pauses in joke mode, a liiiiittle unsure now] ... but from the look that I'm pretty sure you're hiding in your hands I'm guessing it was more than just a fun fling. Were we- [Man, he doesn't even know how to ask. Love wasn't really something he ever considered, between Templar drama, the way the Circle worked and the fact he was rarely in one place long enough to make friends, let alone lasting relationships. That explained why Hawke knew so much about him. He wasn't sure how to feel, besides fairly freaked out, something he was working at keeping off his face.]

action;

[failedhorribly]

I would be so lucky. No, just titles and statues and trouble. And the Qunari....have a very different world view. Getting from one end of a conversation to the other with them is something akin to putting your brain into a tornado.

[okay head still and hands and oh Maker, this is just as bad as she suspected it would be. She groans a little more, before sitting back up, shoving her hair back out of her face. Looking somewhere past his left shoulder, she manages a reply] We were living together, Anders. And you - you were very much not the sort for fun flings, during the time I knew you. [Her eyes slide sideways to take in his expression, and something resembling a smirk crosses her face] You are allowed to freak out, you realise. It's not every day a man finds himself faced with monogamy, of all things.

action;

[abominable]

Statues with flaming swords at least. That must count for something- and from what I keep hearing it's more than just the qunari that are like a good air drying for your mind. Kirkwall, pleasant place.

Well, abominations and brooding elves I was ready for, but monogamy? Who knew. [he jokes, falling silent a moment as he considered things. He wondered if he had changed so much or if Hawke was just special. Maybe a little of both.] I'm going to do a very rare thing right now - I thought I should warn you so you're ready, brace yourself - and think of someone else before myself here, namely you. This ah- this can't be easy. Are you alright?

[...] Wait no, that's a stupid question. Should I start leaving you be? I certainly don't want to but- well it's not every day your lover's incredibly handsome younger self shows up.

action;

[failedhorribly]

[She shakes her head with a laugh that sounds real enough to anyone who doesn't know her. Which he doesn't not yet] My, I feel myself coming over all faint.

[The humour fades from her tone, and she becomes pensive] I'm a big girl, Anders, and this is by far and away not the most difficult situation I've ever found myself in. But, ah - Fenris, at least, I'd prefer it if you didn't mention it to. In his world, I'm a mage, and the two of us are - well, apparently he moved in, instead of you. He knows things didn't turn out that way for me, but I'm almost certain he doesn't know all the details, and he's liable to rip your heart out if you happen to drop them into from him with your usual subtlety.

[She never actually answered whether she was all right or not] There's another five years or so worth of story to get through, though. We haven't even reached the Chantry exploding bits!