A Crowded Mind
There’s so much to say. My life is once again being crowded with things I don’t want to think about or are taking too much of my time to think about. Between bad family conversations and phone calls, major decisions about my future and trying to get my current lab stuff working I have little time for myself. I take time off each week to do ballroom dancing but even that brings less joy than usual. I tired of having to dance with beginners or if I’m not dancing with them I generally have to do the boys steps. Don’t get me wrong I love dancing but after a long day I want to be able to relax into someone’s arms and not think. I long to be one of those girls who brings her partner along to dancing and feel that I have someone I belong too. But I am just an extra, I will dance which ever part I am needed to dance and I will smile and nod.
My dance instructors are almost like family and I have been told many times to think of them as it, I can’t though. Maybe it’s because I know I’m not actually family or maybe it’s because I don’t actually warm up to family. I have never really been close to any of my family and sometimes it had been a very rocky path between everyone. I know my sister thinks we are close but I hate even telling her when I’m upset as it just doesn’t sit right with me. And if I can’t say to a person I am I don’t see how it is truly a close relationship. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister and the rest of my family but I’m not close to them.
As for my other family stuff my parents who have been divorced for 13 years or so are still trying to play mind games and set me off against the other one. This I tend to take with a grain of salt, I found if I smile, nod and pretend I am going to take the advice on how to deal with the other parent its manageable. My last proper conversation with my dad consisted of bad news, an attack on my weight, a guilt trip, a touch of favouritism hinting at guilt trip and finished off with the usual “the problems with your mother” talk. The last conversation with my mum involved the have you talked to your dad, did he tell you the bad news (she’s heard it 3rd hand from my sister) and the usual “try to get some money of your stingy father”.
All while this is happening I am trying to complete my honours degree in cattle genetics and my lab work isn’t going as quickly as it should and isn’t working half the time. Most of my day consists of me sitting around waiting for reactions to occur and thus making life difficult. This is because while I have so little time and so much to do in the long run I also am finding in the short term I have so little to do and so much time. I go stir crazy without much to do in the lab while waiting for reaction so I tend to wander around, talk to friends and help out other people which gives the appearance I’m not actually doing all that much. And we a coming up to our halfway progress report which means I really need to appear to be being productive.
I have my future to sort out as well as in about 4 months I will be finishing my honours degree and will either have to get into a PhD or get a job. If I get a job this will probably mean leaving behind the city and area I love and are settled in. And as I don’t have my P’s yet (still only learning to drive - which is yet another story) getting a job in the Animal industry will prove difficult unless I can get a city job, which would most probably be solely lab work anyway. As I said my other choice is a PhD which would be about three years extra before making a major change. However this would be three years of due dates and dealing with the university. I am currently favouring the PhD if I can get a scholarship so that I am actually financially supported through this time.
Meanwhile I am trying to deal with family, current work and my future I am also learning to drive which freaks me out no end. I’ve only done 2.5 hours of driving so far and I have minimal confidence in my skills. I really don’t think I am a natural driver. Today I felt I nearly killed my friend who is teaching me to drive as I majorly stuffed up a corner (managed not to damage the car but did end up off the road) and being the person I am I didn’t let her know how freaked out I was. She was cool about it, which is probably a good thing because the last thing I need is her to freak out while I’m driving.
I do have some things to look forward to over the next week, mostly my birthday in a weeks’ time. I did have my birthday party last Sunday and it was a blast. Even though I feel bad most of my friends got sunburnt (Including me). We did have fun and I got spoilt rotten. I got an electric mixer with bowl so now I can make cakes with so much less fuss. And another friend got me this awesome mirror and a magnet which says “I used to have a handle on life, but it broke” which is so me. I also got a NZ Jade pendant and earrings, monopoly, some hand cream, lip gloss and a powder puff, a pretty keyring and matching jewelry box a cupcake candle and two picnic chairs. And finally I really really awesome plate of homegrown vegies and fruit presented gorgeously, of which some of the things I had helped plant at my friends place when she employed me for a weekend of labour. Also I was just able to afford all the food and stuff I needed and I got to make my chocolate fudge which is always a hit.
Any way that’s all from me and my crowded mind for now
Dash