Need A Place To Live
So, I have decided to listen to my brain, instead of my heart and I'm leaving Alicia.
I don't know if it will be for good, but I can tell you, I want out of this fucking house. I want out of this daily torture. I want to feel like I matter again. Like I'm attractive, worth it, and just all around feel better about my cesspool of a life I'm depressed to call my own.
I told her tonight that she needs to prove that she deserves me. I can't take this emotional tug of war anymore. One day, she's the best thing to ever happen to me and we're planning our wedding, and loving each other. The next, she's a rancid fucking bitch taking everything that's happened in her day, and life, out on me like I'm the cause of all her pain and problems.
I am not the cause of her problems. I am not the root of her pain. But I've found increasingly that she is just that for me. She is the reason I have no self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect.
It drives me crazy that she allows herself to live like that as a result of what's happened to her in the past, but here I am, allowing myself to do that. And for what? Her love? Her respect? Her affection? The sex? Because I'm not getting any of the above.
Not only have I started to eat my pain, but I've also started drinking as a coping mechanism. Which is just fucking fantastic seeing as alcoholism runs in my family, I'm aiming for a wonderful end.
So, I'm finally listening to a very good friend, and getting the fuck out of this house. Away from her and her bullshit.
And that decision fucking kills me inside almost as much as this relationship has been lately. Because I love her very much. And I am still deeply IN love with her, which makes this so much harder. But it doesn't change the fact that this is something I should have done a very long time ago but just didn't have the strength to. I'm still not entirely sure I have that strength, but I do know that I'm just completely fed up.
I'm fed up with trying to do everything right and always coming out the bad guy.
I am through.
Completely heartbroken, but through.
Another failed future for yours truly. I really think I'm just going to give up on the idea that I will ever be happy. Every time I think I am, it just destroys me from the inside out until there is nothing left.
Another wasted 2 years that I will never get back, or have anything good to show for.
So, I'm trying to find a place to live. I don't want to go back to Grandma and Poppy's because I will surely lose my mind. I could go back to Connecticut to be with my parents, but they've got too much shit going on up there already and I would not be able to leave my friends here, they're all I have. I'm looking to stay in this area, Ocala, or Gainesville. But I would not be opposed to living in or around Tampa. Sadly, I don't have the funds right now to move out on my own, so if you or anyone you know is looking for a roommate, please let me know ASAP. I'm looking to be out by Wednesday or Thursday. The weekend at the latest. Thanks.
I don't know if it will be for good, but I can tell you, I want out of this fucking house. I want out of this daily torture. I want to feel like I matter again. Like I'm attractive, worth it, and just all around feel better about my cesspool of a life I'm depressed to call my own.
I told her tonight that she needs to prove that she deserves me. I can't take this emotional tug of war anymore. One day, she's the best thing to ever happen to me and we're planning our wedding, and loving each other. The next, she's a rancid fucking bitch taking everything that's happened in her day, and life, out on me like I'm the cause of all her pain and problems.
I am not the cause of her problems. I am not the root of her pain. But I've found increasingly that she is just that for me. She is the reason I have no self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect.
It drives me crazy that she allows herself to live like that as a result of what's happened to her in the past, but here I am, allowing myself to do that. And for what? Her love? Her respect? Her affection? The sex? Because I'm not getting any of the above.
Not only have I started to eat my pain, but I've also started drinking as a coping mechanism. Which is just fucking fantastic seeing as alcoholism runs in my family, I'm aiming for a wonderful end.
So, I'm finally listening to a very good friend, and getting the fuck out of this house. Away from her and her bullshit.
And that decision fucking kills me inside almost as much as this relationship has been lately. Because I love her very much. And I am still deeply IN love with her, which makes this so much harder. But it doesn't change the fact that this is something I should have done a very long time ago but just didn't have the strength to. I'm still not entirely sure I have that strength, but I do know that I'm just completely fed up.
I'm fed up with trying to do everything right and always coming out the bad guy.
I am through.
Completely heartbroken, but through.
Another failed future for yours truly. I really think I'm just going to give up on the idea that I will ever be happy. Every time I think I am, it just destroys me from the inside out until there is nothing left.
Another wasted 2 years that I will never get back, or have anything good to show for.
So, I'm trying to find a place to live. I don't want to go back to Grandma and Poppy's because I will surely lose my mind. I could go back to Connecticut to be with my parents, but they've got too much shit going on up there already and I would not be able to leave my friends here, they're all I have. I'm looking to stay in this area, Ocala, or Gainesville. But I would not be opposed to living in or around Tampa. Sadly, I don't have the funds right now to move out on my own, so if you or anyone you know is looking for a roommate, please let me know ASAP. I'm looking to be out by Wednesday or Thursday. The weekend at the latest. Thanks.