To her it was no big deal
It's hard to say anything about how I feel, because most of the time I just feel numb.
Sometimes I wonder to myself if the perfect fit of companionship is the best anyone can ever get. I miss our life together. I miss the comfort of knowing someone knows almost every crevice and crack of your personality and still loves you completely. I miss the happiness of sharing all the details of life with someone who understands you as well as you understand them. I miss being with someone who watched you grow into the person you are, and understands all of your little idiosyncrisies.
Sometimes I miss it so much I feel like I can't breathe.
But I keep trying to push forward, and tell myself that once enough time passes I'll be able to reflect and approve of my decision to leave.
And on those days that I let myself wonder about regret and second chances, I try to remember all of the moments I didn't feel like I was really all in. I try to remember those moments where I had a foot out the door but never walked through it for fear of losing all I had. I try to remind myself of how much pain he feels now. I try to remember that the night I decided to take a risk and be with someone I wasn't sure I felt strongly for led to the mess of today, and if I let my pain drown out that warning sound, I might attempt to do it all again and be in the same place again later. The risk of doing it again is too big to even try. So I feel numb, because I'm full of pain and trying to be rational.
I keep telling myself in time this will all get better, and be for the best. Sometimes it's not easy to feel conviction about that concept, but I keep repeating the mantra anyway.
This experience makes me want to shut myself down completely sometimes. Breaking a heart isn't as painful as a broken heart, but I don't want anyone else to be hurt. Myself included. It makes me want to build my walls even thicker, and not let anyone in far enough to be hurt.
Sometimes I wonder to myself if the perfect fit of companionship is the best anyone can ever get. I miss our life together. I miss the comfort of knowing someone knows almost every crevice and crack of your personality and still loves you completely. I miss the happiness of sharing all the details of life with someone who understands you as well as you understand them. I miss being with someone who watched you grow into the person you are, and understands all of your little idiosyncrisies.
Sometimes I miss it so much I feel like I can't breathe.
But I keep trying to push forward, and tell myself that once enough time passes I'll be able to reflect and approve of my decision to leave.
And on those days that I let myself wonder about regret and second chances, I try to remember all of the moments I didn't feel like I was really all in. I try to remember those moments where I had a foot out the door but never walked through it for fear of losing all I had. I try to remind myself of how much pain he feels now. I try to remember that the night I decided to take a risk and be with someone I wasn't sure I felt strongly for led to the mess of today, and if I let my pain drown out that warning sound, I might attempt to do it all again and be in the same place again later. The risk of doing it again is too big to even try. So I feel numb, because I'm full of pain and trying to be rational.
I keep telling myself in time this will all get better, and be for the best. Sometimes it's not easy to feel conviction about that concept, but I keep repeating the mantra anyway.
This experience makes me want to shut myself down completely sometimes. Breaking a heart isn't as painful as a broken heart, but I don't want anyone else to be hurt. Myself included. It makes me want to build my walls even thicker, and not let anyone in far enough to be hurt.