Must keep moving
Damn it I stopped Damn it i stopped. I ran out of thing to do. the pain is bad all the time but if I am not doing anything that is when it is the worst. At night it is worst of all. This is the most nights i have sleped alone in a row in over a year. I am still moving back and forth thought the levels and forms og greif:
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Before it happend I was all about the Denial, and some times I think it has to all be a dreem. I have dremped about her ever night.
while it was happening I was angery. The question Why keeped running over and over in my head. Still haven't heard why from her as i was a little to angery as it was happening. Have you ever talk to some on when they have made uo thier mind and there is something in their voice that tells you past any dout that the conversation was over befor it stated. That they just needed to TELL you something. That is what that night felt like to me. She had made up her mind and all she wanted me to do was sit there and take it. I was too angery to do that. Some times I think that maybe if I had I would get this a little more. I flash in and out of anger some times because it hurts so Damn much. I can't seem to stay angery I guess i just lover her too much still.
Begging isn't going to do me any good. like i said she made up her mind, and untill she unmakes it nothing is going to change.
It took the first dreem I had of her before I really started to get depressed. One of my pillows Smells like her. she slept in my bed the night before she dumped me. That night (or morning as it was more like 5:45) I intentional went to bed not on that pillow and not on her side of the bed. I wake up a few hours lets out of one of the most painful dreems i have ever had. I was holding her in me room and she had this little purple dress on and i was sobbing begging for her to take me back to take it all back. I woke up holding the pillow that smells like her and crying. It just hurts so so so much.
Acceptance is the one that i have having a little truble with. I get moments of it. Where i think i know what the hell is goin on. I was the only thing in her life that she felt could give. she felt trapped. Her world is all up in the air and she needed to have control over sometihng. She had control over ending our relationship. Oviously i don't think that she need to do that. It might be the best thing for her who knows. All i KNOW is that IT HURTS ME.
What really hurts is that I was afraid that something like this would happen. I was so Afraid that i would hurt her or that she would hurt me. She told me not to fear. she said it would be ok. she tlod me that she loved me and that I could love her without fear. And so i did. I loved her with out fear of reservation because she asked me to.