Jesus Christ, I fucking rule.
Not a day goes by where I don't take at least an hour and a half to reflect on how much ass I kick. Honestly, I spend over 90 minutes every day just reviewing the reasons why I rule, only to look at myself in a mirror and say, 'Oh man, if God made anything greater than me, he damn sure kept it for himself.' I kick so much ass that the United States has to import rectums for me to stomp from other countries just to meet the demand.
Now, I know everyone out there is dying to know more about me with hopes of learning my secrets in order to become as much of a badass as I am. I hate to burst your bubbles, but no one will ever kick as much ass as I do, the most anyone could ever hope to be is the cheap, generic Wal Mart version of my extremely kick ass, name-brand product.
Nevertheless, I'm a man of the people and I feel an obtuse LiveJournal survey is the best and most entertaining way to learn the ways in which I kick ass. Feel free to print and study this; these are all things that very few people know about me and they will help make you kick ass.
20 Reasons Why I Kick Ass
1. My birthday is June 8th, which makes me a Gemini. Even though astrology is bullshit, Geminis still kick ass for the sole reason that I am one.
2. Even though I throw and play guitar right handed, I actually write, use a fork, and bat in baseball left-handed.
3. My first ever concert was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in 1995.
4. I qualified 'sharpshooter' in the Army and can still assemble an M16 A4 in around 60 seconds.
5. To this day, I still wonder if BOB JOHNSON ever fixed his Caps Lock key. /systemofabrown reference
6. If murder were legal, whoever took the name 'systemofabrown' on Yahoo! would be at the bottom of a river somewhere.
7. I've always had people tell me I look like a celebrity. My sophomore year of high school, it was Elroy Jetson; my senior year, it was Mark Hoppus from Blink 182. This year alone, I've had five people tell me I look like the douche-bag from Rascal Flatts.
8. I've been arrested/cited for the following things: breaking into my own house, trespassing at the old hospital, driving the same kind of car as someone whom had done a drive-off from a gas station earlier, and assault by means of whiffle bat.
9. At USI, I dropped a class for the sole purpose of selling my book back to the campus bookstore for money to buy beer and GTA: San Andreas.
10. I actually went to a couple of the infamous Crawfordsville backyard wrestling gatherings my sophomore year, including busting one person's lips/nose, helping to put someone else in a back-brace, and breaking another person's arm all in one match.
Soon afterward, I went up to the host's visibly pregnant neighbor and kicked her in the stomach... just kidding.
11. Hippies, environmentalists, old people, rednecks, goths, people who live here and don't speak English, anyone who drives under the speed limit, lawyers, and forceful religious advocates: see #6.
12. I'm honestly contemplating selling my car to buy World Series tickets if the White Sox make it and using what's left over to buy a junk car that'll just get me around.
14. Despite how sarcastic I can be, I'm actually a true hopeless romantic and a sucker for a kiss. I'm a total pussy when it comes to girls, however, those traits are quickly extinguished when I'm reminded how full of shit most of our vagina-bearing counterparts can be.
15. I intentionally skipped #13 just because I didn't think anyone would notice.
16. I think you're a douche bag if you actually scrolled back up to check if #13 was really missing... like I would lie about something like that.
17. I actually miss having the 'fan base' that my first LiveJournal had. I've given a lot of thought to getting a domain and going back to the old style of entries that people actually appreciated... but that costs money, but I guess it's all a part of not being deleted because one old fucker got their panties in a bunch because I didn't want to meet them.
I'm a celebrity, mother fucker... had you asked nicely, you could've gotten an autograph.
Also, LJ Abuse is a saved name in my G-Mail address book... we e-mailed eachother that much during that whole 'ordeal'... isn't that right, Douglas?
18. Mr. Reynard was one of my favorite teachers in high school because we really had a lot in common. We were both really into music, both of us could play multiple instruments, and we were both sleeping with high school girls.
Too bad he had to go to prison, maybe someone can round up some girl scouts for a conjugal visit or something.
19. I'm about done with this post... in fact, I need to save my energy so I can flip out if/when the White Sox win and make it to the World Series tonight.
20. It doesn't matter how many of these traits you may share with me, I still kick more ass than you.