trek fic: unpack my heart with words

[darstellen]

Title: Unpack My Heart With Words
Rating: PG (swearing)
Wordcount: 421
Notes: The title is a citation from Hamlet. The text was written for anon_j_anon 's prompt: "Jim and Hamlet. Jim in pentameter, Hamlet in free verse. Tarsis IV." Suggestions for improvement are welcome. Don't hold back your criticism -- I have tough skin.

edited with the help of anon_j_anon 's

Comments

[lila_blue_b]

This was beautiful! I am so, so impressed!

[darstellen]

Thank you so much for the lovely comment!

[anon_j_anon]

I like how the form reflects their thoughts and the situation. I have to admit that I was drawn to Hamlet's thoughts much more easily than Jim's, but rereading, the iambic pentameter, the way you've written it is so appropriate

[darstellen]

Thank you for this. The concrit is not only okay, but wonderful. Hamlet was indeed much, much easier for me to write, and could have easily been expanded, whereas by the end of writing Jim's perspective, I knew something was deeply wrong ... I think this situation has to do in part with how his language works, as you say, and in part with the fact that Hamlet's thoughts are practically those of a student of literature, practically my own.

Jim's pentameter is off, there's no question of it. I tried too hard to make each line a perfect pentameter, which of course Shakespeare never does and ultimately is also boring. (One reason I picked the quote "enterprises ..." beside the obvious is that it shows how varied Shakespeare's language is). I soon found myself in a quarry, without words that fit. The problem with "even though" is that it begins trochaic, but I'm positive there are many, many other solutions I've overlooked. Perhaps "though sure, I know it's all an act, a bluff" would work better? In any case, there is only one formality

[darstellen]

Thank you for the lovely words! Hamlet is also the air that I breathe, and my enthusiasm has only grown in recent weeks since watching the new BBC production with David Tennant and Patrick Stewart. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts -- it means a lot. :)

[darstellen]

Oh, I can only imagine! As lovely as the DVD is -- and as wonderful as the opportunities for self-reflection are, given the change in medium -- I miss seeing the play on a stage. Theatre acting is so different from acting for a camera, and I fear that some of that went lost through the film transfer.

[jademac2442]

OMG! You're alive! And this was the awesomest thing I've ever read. You are amazingly talented and I'm lucky to know you, sugar. It was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.

[darstellen]

♥

This could never have been written without you, dear; without our conversations, without your insights into Tarsus and Jim, I would have been lost while conceiving this.

I've missed you, thought about you a great deal despite horrible about keeping in touch. Expect a package soon from Berlin!

[rubynye]

Jim's voice in iambs! I am astonished!

[darstellen]

It was a difficult exercise . . . thank you for commenting!