trek fic: unpack my heart with words

[darstellen]

Title: Unpack My Heart With Words
Rating: PG (swearing)
Wordcount: 421
Notes: The title is a citation from Hamlet. The text was written for anon_j_anon 's prompt: "Jim and Hamlet. Jim in pentameter, Hamlet in free verse. Tarsis IV." Suggestions for improvement are welcome. Don't hold back your criticism -- I have tough skin.

edited with the help of anon_j_anon 's

Comments

[anon_j_anon]

I like how the form reflects their thoughts and the situation. I have to admit that I was drawn to Hamlet's thoughts much more easily than Jim's, but rereading, the iambic pentameter, the way you've written it is so appropriate.

Concrit (I hope this is okay)
Was it easier to write the Hamlet part, not only because of the freedom of free verse, but because his thoughts are more natural to you? Your capture his state of mind very well, but Jim's seems a little off. The language is close: "A week of starving's mostly wiped the slate" is great and spot on. This: "although I also know it's but an act"-- the "although" and "but" don't work for me, it sounds formal. It seems more natural that he'd say something like "even though I know it's all an act, a bluff". But I know (or rather, I've assumed... I don't think I've ever actually asked) that English isn't your first language, so I'm really really impressed by this.

Again, great job. I hope you continue to explore poetry and these self imposed restrictions. I honestly think that you've only touched the tip of the iceberg, and each piece you write will take you a new direction.

Another prompt: acrostic (maybe even a poem within a poem). The letters don't have to be located at the beginning of the line. You have a mathematical pattern, put it at the end, the middle, every prime number, on a diagonal. The visual element of the acrostic appeals to me, and the fact that it's easy to do a cheesy/bad acrostic. Choose whatever subject appeals to you.

Hell, I might take myself up on my own challenge. I think I want to do it.

[darstellen]

Thank you for this. The concrit is not only okay, but wonderful. Hamlet was indeed much, much easier for me to write, and could have easily been expanded, whereas by the end of writing Jim's perspective, I knew something was deeply wrong ... I think this situation has to do in part with how his language works, as you say, and in part with the fact that Hamlet's thoughts are practically those of a student of literature, practically my own.

Jim's pentameter is off, there's no question of it. I tried too hard to make each line a perfect pentameter, which of course Shakespeare never does and ultimately is also boring. (One reason I picked the quote "enterprises ..." beside the obvious is that it shows how varied Shakespeare's language is). I soon found myself in a quarry, without words that fit. The problem with "even though" is that it begins trochaic, but I'm positive there are many, many other solutions I've overlooked. Perhaps "though sure, I know it's all an act, a bluff" would work better? In any case, there is only one formality that was truly intended: the bit about what haunts the keeping of my brain is something Hamlet also says and is meant to show a convergence of the two poles they represent.

Hungarian is indeed my first language. I did learn English very early and have American citizenship -- but years of living in Germany have rather wrecked my English. I don't speak any language perfectly anymore. Prompts like yours are wonderful because they present a true challenge, and motivate me to try and improve a language that I love, but shall never master.

Thank you for your patience with this, for the wonderful criticism, and for another great prompt! I love using mathematial forms and would also be thrilled to see your own response to the challenge.