POTHEAD FANTASIES
for some odd reason, i felt like writing a script. my goal is to finish it by my birthday and start filming then. ill put a trailer for it on youtube first, and if there's enough good comments, ill make the whole thing. well here it is, pothead...fantasies...(i know it sounds like a weird porno)
Fade in. Joel, Andrew, and Bernard are sitting in front of a TV playing video games. A bong is set in the middle of the table. Empty chip bags are strewn about.
Andrew: How’d you like that shit I brought? Supposedly it just hit the streets. It’s called ‘Southern Darkness’. I think it was worth the extra $10. What do you think Bernard?
Bernard: Good, bad, whatever. As long as it gets me blitzed, its fine with me.
Andrew: Bastard. What the hell do you know? What about you Joel?
Joel: Look Andrew. Just because the weed’s yours, doesn’t mean your allowed to hog the couch. Me and Bernard are getting crushed over here.
Andrew: I can’t help it if I’m fat.
Bernard: What the hell are you talking about? You’re the skinniest one here.
Andrew: Thank you for trying to help my self-esteem, but it’s no use.
Joel and Bernard stare at him with a confused look.
Joel and Bernard: Move the fuck down.
Andrew: Alright, fine. Geez. Fucking assholes.
Bernard: Whoa.
Joel: What?
Bernard: I’m getting déjà vu right now.
Joel: Buddy, we do this all the time. You guys come over, we get baked, and then play video games for hours on end.
Bernard: No. I mean yeah we do that, but I’m talking about how we told Andrew to move his skinny ass down.
Andrew: Thank you for the compliment.
Bernard: Shut the hell up, Andrew. Anyways, I had this dream where we told Andrew to move himself down the couch, right, and then that big friggin juice dude busts through the wall. You know, he’s a big ass pitcher filled with fruit punch or something like that.
Joel: The Kool-Aid man?
Bernard: Yeah! That’s him.
Andrew: You’re fuckin’ blitzed man. The chances of that happening are as good as the chances of me getting head from your dad.
Bernard: Well, it could happen. As for the part about my dad, maybe. He’s been acting kinda queer lately.
Joel: Yeah, okay. Whatever you say. I’m gonna grab a coke from the fridge. You guys want any?
Andrew: Yeah sure man. I could go f-
Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall
Kool-Aid Man: OH YEAH! Happy birthday Timmy!
Joel: Holy shit! It’s the fuckin’ Kool-Aid Man! What the hell are you doing here? And how the fuck are we going to fix my wall?
Kool-Aid Man: I’m here for a birthday party. And the wall is your problem. My agent discussed this with you already.
Andrew: Does this look like a birthday party to you?
Kool-Aid Man: Shrugs. Looks like a few I’ve been to
Bernard: Holy crap. I’m friggin psychic.
Joel: Shut up. Look, Kool-Aid Man, this isn’t a friggin birthday party. What address are you looking for?
Kool-Aid Man: 436 Crestwillow Drive.
Joel: Goddammit. This is 433 Crestwillow Drive. 436 is across the street.
Kool-Aid Man: Woops. I guess I’ll be leaving now. But before I go, could I get a hit of that? Points at the bong.
Joel: Alright fine. But after that, you’re gone.
Kool-Aid Man: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Takes a hit. OH YEAH! That hit the spot. Yo… favour… can I use your washroom? I wanna shower… feel dirtier than this fucker’s Points to Bernard dad after a busy night in Singapore. Whispering to other two He’s such a queer.
Joel: Get the fuck out!
Kool-Aid Man: Alright, alright, I’m goin. Fucking people. Need to learn some goddamn manners. Begins to walk out
Bernard: What about his wall?
Kool-Aid Man: Uhh…OH NO! Runs away
Andrew begins to chase after him
Andrew: Get back here! You oversized, yet delicious beverage! Stops chasing Kool-Aid man
Bernard: Wow. This is such a trip out. I dreamt about it and it happened. I wonder what would happen if I dreamt about your mom, Andrew.
Andrew: That’s fuckin nasty man. Keep my mom out of your dreams, you nasty bastard.
Bernard: Well, she is a MILF.
Joel: Yeah she is. Sorry to say it, but your mom is a MILF.
Everyone nods in agreement.
Andrew: Yeah, dude the things I’d do to her…
Joel: Wait. Wha-
Andrew: Throw her against the wall, while slipping a condom over my head…
Joel: Wait! What the hell are we gonna do about my wall?
Bernard: More importantly, why do you have thoughts like that with your mom involved?
Andrew: And then I’ll start fisting her ass…
Joel: ANYWAYS! The main problem is my fucking wall! What the hell are we gonna do about that?
Bernard thinks for a bit
Bernard: I got an idea. Do you have any sleeping pills?
Joel: Why? Are you gonna dream about the wall fixing itself?
Bernard: Wow. Dude, are you psychic too?
Joel: sarcastically Yeah man. I’m friggin Professor X. Sighs. The sleeping pills are in the washroom, Top shelf.
Bernard: Alright. Boys, this problem will fix itself in a bit. Just you watch. He leaves
Joel: What a fuckin stoner. Andrew, stay here and watch the place. I’m gonna head to Home Hardware and get some stuff to fix the wall. He leaves.
Andrew: And then I’ll climax into the air and catch it with my mouth. Yells back at Joel. What? Yeah sure man. To himself Time to take advantage of his digital cable. Switches TV on to a porno. Porn music is heard in the background. Andrew unzips his pants.
Scene 2
Scene changes to Joel walking into Home Hardware.
Joel: Alright, I’m gonna need some dry wall and wall paper. Now where the hell do I find that?
Luke walks up to Joel
Luke: With a gay lisp. How can I help you sweet cheeks?
Joel: Uh, I just need some dry wall and some wallpaper.
Luke: Well follow me sweetums. I’ll help with that. And maybe more, if I like you enough. Winks.
Joel: Umm, ok. Thanks dude.
Luke: No problem. Follow me hun. Struts down an aisle. Doing some redecorating?
Joel: You could say that.
Luke: Ok. Well may I make one slight suggestion?
Joel: Sure, go ahead.
Luke: Go for something earthy. When I was fishing last summer with my friend Walter, it was amazing. The whole being surrounded by nature thing was breathtaking. There wasn’t any sleeping going on in our tent, if you get my drift. Laughs, slaps Joel playfully on the shoulder.
Joel: Shudders. Ok, that was just nasty. I didn’t need to know that.
Luke: What are you talking about? We were playing cards all night.
Joel: Well based on how you were describing it, it sure as hell didn’t seem like it.
Luke: What’s wrong with 2 grown men staying up all night, playing cards? What’d you think we were doing? Having sex? Joel looks away. Oh my god. You think I’m gay don’t you? Listen asshole, just because I talk like this does not mean I’m gay.
Joel: I’m sorry. It’s just that- Luke interrupts him
Luke: It’s just that what, huh?
Joel: Never mind.
Luke: That’s right. Never mind it. You know what? You’re a fucking bastard. Fuck you. Find your shit on your own. Struts away
Joel: What a bastard. Looks at a lady giving him an odd look. What the hell are you staring at?