(no subject)
i wish it was easier to just pick up life back in gainesville..by just a flick of a wand, maybe.
it's time to start taking things off the walls in my room. not like there's a lot to take down, but it's going to be like last time. removing things to take to my room in gainesville, and leaving this one slightly bare. it's almost haunting, because i leave the furniture and lamps and some random other things, but it's this awkwardness that's left behind, a transparent shadow that hangs in the once-lived. of course, cleaning out my room naturally opens the doors for nostalgia, and i hate how much i thrive in the pain that brings.
i know i've subconciously been putting thinking about this off. i want to go back, but it's easier to make that decision when you're not immediately faced with having to go through all the steps to get there. i knew months ago it hadn't hit me yet, and when it did, i'd probably lose it. things are different now, yes. but it's the things that have remained the same that are killing me right now.
i need to organize..thoughts.
packing:
room things - posters, pictures, books, dvds, keyboard, corkboard, pillows, printer, cats
bath things - yeah all that shit.
clothes and etc.
i need to get my bike fixed, and then "pack" that as well. and make sure everything with my car is good to go. my mom and i have to go to penneys to buy new bath linens since she made me throw away my old ones.
there are a few people i need to see before i go. and some i need to see more than just a little while.
i feel like i don't have enough time to say goodbye, which is what is killing me most of all. i KNOW this isn't a forever goodbye...but i don't think anyone really understands why this is my shutting a door on the last monumental chapter of life and it's not going to be the same after this. forgive me, but jesus christ. i love people too much, and i love my home. so this is literally breaking my heart to give it all up, and give it all up again. i know it's all been my choice to move so much, and i wouldn't change my decisions...but you don't make decisions necessarily to cause you the least heartbreak, you just do what you have to do. and damnit, i've done everything i've had to do this past year, and it's hurt like fuck almost every step of the way.
i'm a little rough around the edges going into the new year. a bit cynical again, a bit more sarcastic, but still as poignantly affecting as ever. i'm still plowing on; i'm the driving force in my own soul. kind of like an unremitting, passionately rugged guitar solo.
yeah.
it's time to start taking things off the walls in my room. not like there's a lot to take down, but it's going to be like last time. removing things to take to my room in gainesville, and leaving this one slightly bare. it's almost haunting, because i leave the furniture and lamps and some random other things, but it's this awkwardness that's left behind, a transparent shadow that hangs in the once-lived. of course, cleaning out my room naturally opens the doors for nostalgia, and i hate how much i thrive in the pain that brings.
i know i've subconciously been putting thinking about this off. i want to go back, but it's easier to make that decision when you're not immediately faced with having to go through all the steps to get there. i knew months ago it hadn't hit me yet, and when it did, i'd probably lose it. things are different now, yes. but it's the things that have remained the same that are killing me right now.
i need to organize..thoughts.
packing:
room things - posters, pictures, books, dvds, keyboard, corkboard, pillows, printer, cats
bath things - yeah all that shit.
clothes and etc.
i need to get my bike fixed, and then "pack" that as well. and make sure everything with my car is good to go. my mom and i have to go to penneys to buy new bath linens since she made me throw away my old ones.
there are a few people i need to see before i go. and some i need to see more than just a little while.
i feel like i don't have enough time to say goodbye, which is what is killing me most of all. i KNOW this isn't a forever goodbye...but i don't think anyone really understands why this is my shutting a door on the last monumental chapter of life and it's not going to be the same after this. forgive me, but jesus christ. i love people too much, and i love my home. so this is literally breaking my heart to give it all up, and give it all up again. i know it's all been my choice to move so much, and i wouldn't change my decisions...but you don't make decisions necessarily to cause you the least heartbreak, you just do what you have to do. and damnit, i've done everything i've had to do this past year, and it's hurt like fuck almost every step of the way.
i'm a little rough around the edges going into the new year. a bit cynical again, a bit more sarcastic, but still as poignantly affecting as ever. i'm still plowing on; i'm the driving force in my own soul. kind of like an unremitting, passionately rugged guitar solo.
yeah.