fleeting thoughts.
Je suis stupide.
Why does it still break my heart to see that ring on your finger?
I think that's a reaction that I will probably never shake. Or maybe it will happen when I'm in my 30s, when, I'm told by my 30-something girlfriends, I will really become "a woman" and be at my most comfortable and happy.
I rarely think about him anymore. Very rarely. Almost never.
However, when I do, there is a resounding sting. But I can never figure out why. There is no "in love" left; there hasn't been for a long, long time. There are years and lifetimes between us now. There are people and circumstances and bridges and deep, deep lakes between us. I am an absolutely different person than I was when we knew one another. And I'm sure he is too.
And so I look inside myself to try and get to the root of all evil. Maybe I am incapable of fixing something in me that he broke. I will never deny the fact that he left a hole that will be there forever - I don't miss it too much though. But I'm pretty sure this is all about me, not him. Perhaps he is just a scapegoat. Maybe part of me misses the person I was with him. I went through a very strange emotional transition for almost three years after we finally parted ways. I hate to give him that much credit, but it's true.
There is no doubt in my mind that that relationship left me terrified of commitment. It left me paralyzed and unable to stay with one person for more than two years. It screwed up my feelings about females during a time when I should have been learning to form closer bonds with them. It confused me about the way relationships are supposed to work. It planted a seed in me that bloomed me into someone who can at times be somewhat cold-hearted and has in the past initiated/fallen into love affairs behind my lovers' backs in order to help me to push myself away from them. It skewed my views on what trust is, and the fact that comfort shouldn't be a bad thing.
What scares me is that I don't know if these things have been repaired yet. Or if they're even capable of being repaired. I know it's no one's fault, and it's wildly absurd to blame all of my major emotional flaws on another person (besides, I'm sure some of it came from my parents), but the fact is that he was a disastrous hurricane (albeit, what felt like a very wonderful one) during a harshly crucial period of emotional development in my teenage years. It's not something I can just shake off - these things are implanted deep under my skin, under my lungs, in the vicinity of my heart and completely tangled up in my brain. But how the fuck do you break something like my horrible love/relationship habits?! How do you mend such enormous flaws enough to be able to function? Is there a book on this shit? I hate having demons. They're fucking bastards.
Sometimes I blame him for making me crazy.
Maybe it's true. Maybe it's stupid.
Nonetheless, this time around I am trying to break the curse. Because I really think he's worth it.
Why does it still break my heart to see that ring on your finger?
I think that's a reaction that I will probably never shake. Or maybe it will happen when I'm in my 30s, when, I'm told by my 30-something girlfriends, I will really become "a woman" and be at my most comfortable and happy.
I rarely think about him anymore. Very rarely. Almost never.
However, when I do, there is a resounding sting. But I can never figure out why. There is no "in love" left; there hasn't been for a long, long time. There are years and lifetimes between us now. There are people and circumstances and bridges and deep, deep lakes between us. I am an absolutely different person than I was when we knew one another. And I'm sure he is too.
And so I look inside myself to try and get to the root of all evil. Maybe I am incapable of fixing something in me that he broke. I will never deny the fact that he left a hole that will be there forever - I don't miss it too much though. But I'm pretty sure this is all about me, not him. Perhaps he is just a scapegoat. Maybe part of me misses the person I was with him. I went through a very strange emotional transition for almost three years after we finally parted ways. I hate to give him that much credit, but it's true.
There is no doubt in my mind that that relationship left me terrified of commitment. It left me paralyzed and unable to stay with one person for more than two years. It screwed up my feelings about females during a time when I should have been learning to form closer bonds with them. It confused me about the way relationships are supposed to work. It planted a seed in me that bloomed me into someone who can at times be somewhat cold-hearted and has in the past initiated/fallen into love affairs behind my lovers' backs in order to help me to push myself away from them. It skewed my views on what trust is, and the fact that comfort shouldn't be a bad thing.
What scares me is that I don't know if these things have been repaired yet. Or if they're even capable of being repaired. I know it's no one's fault, and it's wildly absurd to blame all of my major emotional flaws on another person (besides, I'm sure some of it came from my parents), but the fact is that he was a disastrous hurricane (albeit, what felt like a very wonderful one) during a harshly crucial period of emotional development in my teenage years. It's not something I can just shake off - these things are implanted deep under my skin, under my lungs, in the vicinity of my heart and completely tangled up in my brain. But how the fuck do you break something like my horrible love/relationship habits?! How do you mend such enormous flaws enough to be able to function? Is there a book on this shit? I hate having demons. They're fucking bastards.
Sometimes I blame him for making me crazy.
Maybe it's true. Maybe it's stupid.
Nonetheless, this time around I am trying to break the curse. Because I really think he's worth it.