(no subject)
This is where I post all the crap I'm too embarassed to say to anyone else. Half the time I go back and delete it because even I find it too embarassing. It's normal people stuff... but who wants to admit that after everything they've experienced, felt, seen, that they're just normal? Begin the purge. ]]]]
I want to lose weight.
Firstly, I feel so sluggish and tired all the time. Weak. I want to know what it is to feel energetic, capable, and strong. STRONG. To look at a tree and be like "I bet I could climb that." To look at a ledge and be like "I could get up there." To look at a rope and be like "psyah, no problem."
Secondly, I want to be able to wear fashionable clothes. Fashion just doesn't look good on me right now. I wanna just throw on anything and have it be adorable.
Thirdly, I'll be honest, Nick is way hotter than me. I wanna look like I belong next to him.
Fourthly, I've been ashamed of my body since I was 11. I've had ups and downs, sometimes entire years where I just don't give a fuck. But the shame has always been there lurking. I just wanna have a body I can actually feel good about for once, effortlessly, and not have to block out the shame.
Well, what else.
Oh yeah. I'm going into therapy. I have jealousy issues, and I'm sick of my anxiety. I'm sick of shit being broken in my head. I usually grapple with problems on my own, and usually win out, but these just haven't budged. Hopefully it'll get straightened out.
Today was Nick and I's 1 year. We went to Sakura Tokyo. We started talking to another couple, Michael and Laura, who'd been together 17 years after meeting in their thirties. They had a 9 year old kid. They still seemed alive and well and very attracted to each other. There was still life to their relationship. They still loved each other. It gave me hope about a lot of things. For one, marriage doesn't have to mean an emotional death sentence. It only means as much if you were dead fish to begin with. Two, people can actually stay together 17 years and not hate each others guts. Three, people can actually stay together 17 years and not only not hate each others guts, but still love each other. And I hate, hate, hate, to admit this, but four, if I do change my mind about not wanting kids, or I really just can't take the pressure of the risk of being alone due to not wanting them, I can change my mind late in life and have a stupid ass kid.
Anyway. Mike and Laura asked us if we want to take it to the next level. We both just stayed silent, then I mumbled something about "a little premature for that." That's another issue that's been weighing in on me. Marriage. How stupid giddy I get when I think of it. How all the Disney and TV shows and magazines have poisoned my head. How it's just a state-run institution that controls distrubution of privileges and rights. A capitalistic scam. Another stop on the assembly line to the American Dream, which as George Carlin so eloquently said, you have to be asleep to believe. It's all a falsehood. Knowing the odds say you're GOING to be fucked in the end, because fuck you you're not special, but you play anyway. Statistics say you will divorce or be cheated on or both before the end of it. And it makes sense. Yet these stupid giddy little butterflies remain. I know that doing some ceremony doesn't magically transform your relationship into something it wasn't before. I know that marriage does not = happily ever after, or a substitute for emotional security and a solid foundation. But there's just some part of me that longs for it. And maybe it's just paranoid, hopeful, budding bridezilla goggles, but it seems like every time me and Nick discuss or watch something that brings up long term plans, he gets especially huggy and affectionate. If he ever proposed, I really don't know what I'd do. I know I'm not some idiot who would just take the first offer presented to me, because I haven't felt the marriage-fever with every dude I've dated. But I have felt it with some and that's alarming in retrospect. THOUGH I did ultimately dump those guys so that's a good sign. Clearly marriage-fever doesn't interfere with my judge of character. But it still doesn't qualify as something I should make decisions based on. Sure, I want to know I'm marriageable and that guys feel like they wanna spend the rest of their life with me. And yea, I wanna know that Nick loves me and at the very least plans on spending a long, long, time with me. But I also know how impractical this prospect is. Especially when statisitcs scream in my face just how volatile and changing my life will be for the next five years at least, and how little success relationships at this age have.
I feel a deep, deep longing for normalcy and an average life with someone who loves me.
What the fuck is the point in heroics, epics, dreams, when you're satisfied just living a normal life? I don't want to be alone when death comes to take me. I also don't want to be disappointed in myself and my decisions, or feel like I haven't done enough.
After re-reading this I can see how all my issues sort of meld together. The weight, the jealousy, the marriage thing. The common ground seems to be that I have low self-esteem because I haven't done anything I'm proud of yet. Everything just kind of sags, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't feel strong or capable because I haven't concretely done anything to reflect these values yet. I need goals. I need something palpable to say I'm worth it. Something I can do physically that I can also hold inside. I was really inspired after reading "Following Atticus." Tom's journey was as simple as climbing mountains. A lot. And yet it changed him. Mentally, spiritually, physically. I guess I want to replicate something like that. I need a journey. A hero's journey. That's the use of heroics, epics, and dreams. They're those things that change you. They satisfy you after one go, and yet you keep doing them because you know there's nothing else you would rather do, no place you would rather be.
I want to lose weight.
Firstly, I feel so sluggish and tired all the time. Weak. I want to know what it is to feel energetic, capable, and strong. STRONG. To look at a tree and be like "I bet I could climb that." To look at a ledge and be like "I could get up there." To look at a rope and be like "psyah, no problem."
Secondly, I want to be able to wear fashionable clothes. Fashion just doesn't look good on me right now. I wanna just throw on anything and have it be adorable.
Thirdly, I'll be honest, Nick is way hotter than me. I wanna look like I belong next to him.
Fourthly, I've been ashamed of my body since I was 11. I've had ups and downs, sometimes entire years where I just don't give a fuck. But the shame has always been there lurking. I just wanna have a body I can actually feel good about for once, effortlessly, and not have to block out the shame.
Well, what else.
Oh yeah. I'm going into therapy. I have jealousy issues, and I'm sick of my anxiety. I'm sick of shit being broken in my head. I usually grapple with problems on my own, and usually win out, but these just haven't budged. Hopefully it'll get straightened out.
Today was Nick and I's 1 year. We went to Sakura Tokyo. We started talking to another couple, Michael and Laura, who'd been together 17 years after meeting in their thirties. They had a 9 year old kid. They still seemed alive and well and very attracted to each other. There was still life to their relationship. They still loved each other. It gave me hope about a lot of things. For one, marriage doesn't have to mean an emotional death sentence. It only means as much if you were dead fish to begin with. Two, people can actually stay together 17 years and not hate each others guts. Three, people can actually stay together 17 years and not only not hate each others guts, but still love each other. And I hate, hate, hate, to admit this, but four, if I do change my mind about not wanting kids, or I really just can't take the pressure of the risk of being alone due to not wanting them, I can change my mind late in life and have a stupid ass kid.
Anyway. Mike and Laura asked us if we want to take it to the next level. We both just stayed silent, then I mumbled something about "a little premature for that." That's another issue that's been weighing in on me. Marriage. How stupid giddy I get when I think of it. How all the Disney and TV shows and magazines have poisoned my head. How it's just a state-run institution that controls distrubution of privileges and rights. A capitalistic scam. Another stop on the assembly line to the American Dream, which as George Carlin so eloquently said, you have to be asleep to believe. It's all a falsehood. Knowing the odds say you're GOING to be fucked in the end, because fuck you you're not special, but you play anyway. Statistics say you will divorce or be cheated on or both before the end of it. And it makes sense. Yet these stupid giddy little butterflies remain. I know that doing some ceremony doesn't magically transform your relationship into something it wasn't before. I know that marriage does not = happily ever after, or a substitute for emotional security and a solid foundation. But there's just some part of me that longs for it. And maybe it's just paranoid, hopeful, budding bridezilla goggles, but it seems like every time me and Nick discuss or watch something that brings up long term plans, he gets especially huggy and affectionate. If he ever proposed, I really don't know what I'd do. I know I'm not some idiot who would just take the first offer presented to me, because I haven't felt the marriage-fever with every dude I've dated. But I have felt it with some and that's alarming in retrospect. THOUGH I did ultimately dump those guys so that's a good sign. Clearly marriage-fever doesn't interfere with my judge of character. But it still doesn't qualify as something I should make decisions based on. Sure, I want to know I'm marriageable and that guys feel like they wanna spend the rest of their life with me. And yea, I wanna know that Nick loves me and at the very least plans on spending a long, long, time with me. But I also know how impractical this prospect is. Especially when statisitcs scream in my face just how volatile and changing my life will be for the next five years at least, and how little success relationships at this age have.
I feel a deep, deep longing for normalcy and an average life with someone who loves me.
What the fuck is the point in heroics, epics, dreams, when you're satisfied just living a normal life? I don't want to be alone when death comes to take me. I also don't want to be disappointed in myself and my decisions, or feel like I haven't done enough.
After re-reading this I can see how all my issues sort of meld together. The weight, the jealousy, the marriage thing. The common ground seems to be that I have low self-esteem because I haven't done anything I'm proud of yet. Everything just kind of sags, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't feel strong or capable because I haven't concretely done anything to reflect these values yet. I need goals. I need something palpable to say I'm worth it. Something I can do physically that I can also hold inside. I was really inspired after reading "Following Atticus." Tom's journey was as simple as climbing mountains. A lot. And yet it changed him. Mentally, spiritually, physically. I guess I want to replicate something like that. I need a journey. A hero's journey. That's the use of heroics, epics, and dreams. They're those things that change you. They satisfy you after one go, and yet you keep doing them because you know there's nothing else you would rather do, no place you would rather be.