(no subject)
Where to begin this entry, I don't even know. Life is a complicated thing, I've come to learn. I believe that I am a simple person caught up in the wrong doings of other people. I've become caught in the drama. It's something that I hate to admit because I've tried to avoid it for most of my life. Then why is it that despite the insomnia, the anxiety attacks, and the drowning of sorrows in a bottle of alchohol I feel more at peace with myself then ever before? Maybe it's because I'm finally LIVING life rather than watching it pass by.
In the wide spectrum of things, I know my life isn't bad at all. I have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, and I have found myself some good company. Infact, I'd like to dwell on the point of the good company I have come across in the past year. Janelle and Sean, some of the greatest people I will ever meet in my life. The two of them are the people that remain in your minds forever. They are the people who have made an impact on my life and I have come to see them as family. Unfortunatly, I am sitting here writing about the whoas of my life when the pair of them have some rather big life issues. Janelle has cervical cancer which.....sucks, for a lack of a better word and Sean's having an unplanned baby with a lunatic. And it kills me that the two single people in my life who make the sky a little bluer and the grass a little greener for me have to experience pain like that. And if anyone, they should not be the people to experience it.
Getting back to living life. I'm not suicidal in the least, but damn, life is just a little too much sometimes and I think this is why I'm having problems. When May rolls around I will be graduating, looking for a full time job, having to pay bills and students loans back, and having no clue where I am going to live. And honestly, I have no clue on how to be an *actual* adult. The thought of it terrifies me.
And Sean, of course he had to be mentioned in here. I believe that there is someone in the world that you are meant to find. There is that *one* person in the world that is suppose to be meant for you in whatever way you want to take it. And despite the anger, the stubborness and the tears, I have come to love that kid. And when I say it, I mean it dammit. And i find it incredibly infuriating and frustrating that I will never be able to have him. I honestly love him like no other and I will never be able to touch him. He's so reserved that when I'm about to reach something he just pulls away from me. I actually talked about the whole amber, sean, baby whatever today in Psych class (we were on a related topic) and the strength it took for me to hold back the tears.....I mean, it seemed like everyone in the class felt it. I was fuckin vulnerable and I hate that.
Well, I guess this is a good place to end cuz I have to head to work soon. Likely hood is there will be more added later.
In the wide spectrum of things, I know my life isn't bad at all. I have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, and I have found myself some good company. Infact, I'd like to dwell on the point of the good company I have come across in the past year. Janelle and Sean, some of the greatest people I will ever meet in my life. The two of them are the people that remain in your minds forever. They are the people who have made an impact on my life and I have come to see them as family. Unfortunatly, I am sitting here writing about the whoas of my life when the pair of them have some rather big life issues. Janelle has cervical cancer which.....sucks, for a lack of a better word and Sean's having an unplanned baby with a lunatic. And it kills me that the two single people in my life who make the sky a little bluer and the grass a little greener for me have to experience pain like that. And if anyone, they should not be the people to experience it.
Getting back to living life. I'm not suicidal in the least, but damn, life is just a little too much sometimes and I think this is why I'm having problems. When May rolls around I will be graduating, looking for a full time job, having to pay bills and students loans back, and having no clue where I am going to live. And honestly, I have no clue on how to be an *actual* adult. The thought of it terrifies me.
And Sean, of course he had to be mentioned in here. I believe that there is someone in the world that you are meant to find. There is that *one* person in the world that is suppose to be meant for you in whatever way you want to take it. And despite the anger, the stubborness and the tears, I have come to love that kid. And when I say it, I mean it dammit. And i find it incredibly infuriating and frustrating that I will never be able to have him. I honestly love him like no other and I will never be able to touch him. He's so reserved that when I'm about to reach something he just pulls away from me. I actually talked about the whole amber, sean, baby whatever today in Psych class (we were on a related topic) and the strength it took for me to hold back the tears.....I mean, it seemed like everyone in the class felt it. I was fuckin vulnerable and I hate that.
Well, I guess this is a good place to end cuz I have to head to work soon. Likely hood is there will be more added later.