Trapped on the Outside - a gift for pretty_panther!
Title: Trapped on the Outside
Author: leontinabowie
Recipient: pretty_panther
Pairing(s): Pansy/Lavender
Word Count: 1480
Rating: R
Warnings: Implied violence, implied sex, angst, mental illnesses - agoraphobia, PTSD and depression.
Summary: After being attacked by Greyback, Lavender is too afraid to leave her apartment. Pansy tries to understand, but sometimes she feels just as trapped.
Author's Notes: For reference, Lavender and Ron were never a couple in this story. pretty_panther, I hope you like this.
***
Pansy shut the door to her apartment quietly, as if making the sound quieter would somehow make the fact she was leaving Lavender home alone less real.
It was real though, and Pansy’s heart clenched painfully as her girlfriend’s sobs were vanquished by the wooden sound barrier of the door.
It was the same every time Pansy tried to encourage Lavender to leave the flat; Lavender just couldn’t do it.
During the Battle of Hogwarts, Lavender had been attacked by the vicious Fenrir Greyback and nearly lost her life. She had pulled through though, and the first thing Pansy did when she found out was to kiss Lavender soundly.
It didn’t even take seconds for Pansy to know something was wrong with the kiss. The passion and sweetness that Lavender once tasted of had been replaced by ash.
That was Lavender’s life now; dark and empty, a fragment of what it once was.
The night of the battle hadn’t been a full moon, so Lavender hadn’t been infected with Lycanthropy, but the attack still affected her greatly. She had been left with scars shaped like claw marks on her left cheek, down her neck and onto her shoulder, and though Pansy assured Lavender she was still beautiful, the promises fell on deaf ears. Lavender suffered nightmares every night, and woke up screaming and flailing her arms around. Pansy had been struck on occasion; she knew they were accidents, but Lavender didn’t.
Despite not being a werewolf, Lavender was convinced she was a monster. She had some wolfish traits, admittedly, but nothing severe; just a taste for rare meat and restlessness on nights of the full moon, but to Lavender it was as good as turning into a wolf once a month.
As a result of all of this, she refused to leave their apartment out of fear of being either attacked again or being judged on her lycanthropic traits.
Pansy tried to help; she tried to reassure Lavender that everything was okay and that nothing would happen, but Lavender screamed and cried until Pansy had to leave their home on her own every day.
Sometimes Pansy wanted to leave for good. Sometimes she never wanted to come back.
She couldn’t do that though. Pansy loved Lavender, and she wanted desperately to heal her lover.
Rotten as it was to say, Pansy wanted the Lavender she'd first fallen in love with back.
But there were times when Pansy doubted she even existed anymore.
***
Pansy smirked as she leant in towards Lavender’s ear, whispering about the awful haircut that Granger was sporting.
Lavender giggled, and both of them cast the bushy-haired girl a wicked glance.
"You’re cruel." Lavender grinned, taking hold of Pansy’s hand and linking their fingers. "Awful haircut or not, I bet she gets more NEWTs than us."
They had just started their sixth year of Hogwarts, and Lavender was clearly nervous about the upcoming exams. Pansy knew neither of them had anything to worry about.
"Nobody will hire a stuffy Mudblood like her, no matter how brainy she is," Pansy drawled, brushing off Lavender’s twitch at the word ‘Mudblood’. "Trust me, you and I will go much further than she ever does. My cousin Prunella has promised us jobs in the Daily Prophet after we’re done with school."
"Even me?" Lavender asked in surprise, tossing her blonde curls over her shoulder.
"Of course." Pansy nodded. "Fashion, divination; whatever you want is yours."
Lavender smiled widely and then leant in and pressed her lips against Pansy’s, grinning into the kiss.
Pansy grinned back. The future looked bright, and was going to be theirs for the taking.
***
Pansy watched blankly as the water ran red down the drain.
Her arm still stung where Lavender had lashed out at her and caught her sharp nails in Pansy’s skin.
They had been having yet another argument.
Pansy had returned home to find Lavender upset, staring into the mirror.
"You’re a monster," she had said to her reflection, ignoring Pansy’s presence in the room. "How can anyone love a beast like you?"
Pansy had tried to assure Lavender that she loved her and that she was beautiful, but it only made Lavender more and more agitated until she had ended up backing herself into a corner screaming.
Pansy had got too close to Lavender, and that was when the nails scratched her.
It was all Pansy’s fault; Lavender panicked when people got too close to her without her permission, and Pansy had forgotten in her desperation to help her.
It was easy to forget. Pansy wasn’t afraid of people getting close to her; she didn’t get flashbacks of a man on top of her, digging teeth and nails into her skin. Pansy wondered if she got too close then maybe Lavender wouldn’t be afraid anymore.
Pansy was always wrong.
"I’m sorry," a soft voice croaked, and through the mirror Pansy locked her weary brown eyes on Lavender’s wild blue ones.
"It’s my fault," Pansy answered just as quietly, watching Lavender through the mirror and refusing to turn around.
In the mirror world, perhaps everything was how it should be. Perhaps Pansy was putting on make-up ready for the hottest party, and Lavender was coming in to tell her to hurry up because she needed to get ready too, and they should have bought an apartment with two bathrooms.
"How could I do this to you?" Lavender said instead. "How can you tell me I’m not a monster when I can do this?"
Lavender ran her hand over the small welts on Pansy’s arm, and then her grip tightened as she broke down in tears.
Pansy still didn’t take her eyes off the mirror.
"It was an accident," Pansy said to the glass. "Anyone could have done it. It doesn’t make you a monster."
Pansy wondered for a moment who she was trying to convince.
***
Pansy couldn’t hold back her satisfied smirk as she rolled off Lavender.
Their skin was slick with sweat and they were both panting heavily in the aftermath of their orgasms.
They didn’t get nearly enough time together like this anymore.
Since the Carrows had mostly taken over the school under the watchful eyes of Snape, Pansy basically had free reign. Being a Gryffindor and a friend to Harry Potter made Lavender’s life much more difficult, however.
Pansy rested her head against Lavender’s chest, the sound of her beating heart beneath a drumming comfort.
"Do you think it will be like this forever?" Lavender asked softly, threading her fingers through Pansy’s inky hair. "Do you think Harry will ever win, or has You-Know-Who won already?"
"At the moment I’d say the latter," Pansy mused, "but Potter has a knack for surprising people."
Contrary to popular opinion, Pansy wasn’t strictly on the Dark Lord’s side. She sided with whoever was most likely to win, and currently that appeared to be the Dark side.
Pansy wasn’t worried; she knew she could thrive in any world, no matter who won. Lavender, on the other hand, was more apprehensive about the future, but Pansy knew Lavender had nothing to worry about either.
"We’ll be fine, no matter what happens," Pansy added, deciding to voice her confidence aloud. "How can we not be, if we’re by one another’s sides?"
***
The handle of the front door stared at Pansy mockingly.
It was taunting her to step inside; to go to a world where all that was offered to her was broken glass that she had to be careful not to cut herself on.
It was ironic, really, that Lavender struggled to leave their apartment, while Pansy struggled to go into it.
Pansy loved Lavender, truly, but there were days when she didn’t know which Lavender she loved.
Pansy had a job she loved, great friends and money, and Pansy also had a broken lover. And despite all the good in her life, Pansy couldn’t focus on anything but the bad. She couldn’t concentrate at work, left with feelings of guilt and anxiety about leaving Lavender home alone. She had to argue with her friends when they told her to just leave Lavender and let her sort herself out, and she had to debate whether she was defending her relationship to her friends or herself.
And then Pansy would go home to arguments, and screaming, and violence. She had to go home to battle Lavender’s demons for her. She had to go home and lie in bed, awake at night, haunted by the memories of the Lavender that once was.
Pansy hated it. She wanted to step away, and never go through that front door again. She wanted to leave the shards of Lavender behind and get on with her life.
But she couldn’t.
Pansy twisted the handle, and with a deep, calming breath, she stepped through the door.
Author: leontinabowie
Recipient: pretty_panther
Pairing(s): Pansy/Lavender
Word Count: 1480
Rating: R
Warnings: Implied violence, implied sex, angst, mental illnesses - agoraphobia, PTSD and depression.
Summary: After being attacked by Greyback, Lavender is too afraid to leave her apartment. Pansy tries to understand, but sometimes she feels just as trapped.
Author's Notes: For reference, Lavender and Ron were never a couple in this story. pretty_panther, I hope you like this.
***
Pansy shut the door to her apartment quietly, as if making the sound quieter would somehow make the fact she was leaving Lavender home alone less real.
It was real though, and Pansy’s heart clenched painfully as her girlfriend’s sobs were vanquished by the wooden sound barrier of the door.
It was the same every time Pansy tried to encourage Lavender to leave the flat; Lavender just couldn’t do it.
During the Battle of Hogwarts, Lavender had been attacked by the vicious Fenrir Greyback and nearly lost her life. She had pulled through though, and the first thing Pansy did when she found out was to kiss Lavender soundly.
It didn’t even take seconds for Pansy to know something was wrong with the kiss. The passion and sweetness that Lavender once tasted of had been replaced by ash.
That was Lavender’s life now; dark and empty, a fragment of what it once was.
The night of the battle hadn’t been a full moon, so Lavender hadn’t been infected with Lycanthropy, but the attack still affected her greatly. She had been left with scars shaped like claw marks on her left cheek, down her neck and onto her shoulder, and though Pansy assured Lavender she was still beautiful, the promises fell on deaf ears. Lavender suffered nightmares every night, and woke up screaming and flailing her arms around. Pansy had been struck on occasion; she knew they were accidents, but Lavender didn’t.
Despite not being a werewolf, Lavender was convinced she was a monster. She had some wolfish traits, admittedly, but nothing severe; just a taste for rare meat and restlessness on nights of the full moon, but to Lavender it was as good as turning into a wolf once a month.
As a result of all of this, she refused to leave their apartment out of fear of being either attacked again or being judged on her lycanthropic traits.
Pansy tried to help; she tried to reassure Lavender that everything was okay and that nothing would happen, but Lavender screamed and cried until Pansy had to leave their home on her own every day.
Sometimes Pansy wanted to leave for good. Sometimes she never wanted to come back.
She couldn’t do that though. Pansy loved Lavender, and she wanted desperately to heal her lover.
Rotten as it was to say, Pansy wanted the Lavender she'd first fallen in love with back.
But there were times when Pansy doubted she even existed anymore.
***
Pansy smirked as she leant in towards Lavender’s ear, whispering about the awful haircut that Granger was sporting.
Lavender giggled, and both of them cast the bushy-haired girl a wicked glance.
"You’re cruel." Lavender grinned, taking hold of Pansy’s hand and linking their fingers. "Awful haircut or not, I bet she gets more NEWTs than us."
They had just started their sixth year of Hogwarts, and Lavender was clearly nervous about the upcoming exams. Pansy knew neither of them had anything to worry about.
"Nobody will hire a stuffy Mudblood like her, no matter how brainy she is," Pansy drawled, brushing off Lavender’s twitch at the word ‘Mudblood’. "Trust me, you and I will go much further than she ever does. My cousin Prunella has promised us jobs in the Daily Prophet after we’re done with school."
"Even me?" Lavender asked in surprise, tossing her blonde curls over her shoulder.
"Of course." Pansy nodded. "Fashion, divination; whatever you want is yours."
Lavender smiled widely and then leant in and pressed her lips against Pansy’s, grinning into the kiss.
Pansy grinned back. The future looked bright, and was going to be theirs for the taking.
***
Pansy watched blankly as the water ran red down the drain.
Her arm still stung where Lavender had lashed out at her and caught her sharp nails in Pansy’s skin.
They had been having yet another argument.
Pansy had returned home to find Lavender upset, staring into the mirror.
"You’re a monster," she had said to her reflection, ignoring Pansy’s presence in the room. "How can anyone love a beast like you?"
Pansy had tried to assure Lavender that she loved her and that she was beautiful, but it only made Lavender more and more agitated until she had ended up backing herself into a corner screaming.
Pansy had got too close to Lavender, and that was when the nails scratched her.
It was all Pansy’s fault; Lavender panicked when people got too close to her without her permission, and Pansy had forgotten in her desperation to help her.
It was easy to forget. Pansy wasn’t afraid of people getting close to her; she didn’t get flashbacks of a man on top of her, digging teeth and nails into her skin. Pansy wondered if she got too close then maybe Lavender wouldn’t be afraid anymore.
Pansy was always wrong.
"I’m sorry," a soft voice croaked, and through the mirror Pansy locked her weary brown eyes on Lavender’s wild blue ones.
"It’s my fault," Pansy answered just as quietly, watching Lavender through the mirror and refusing to turn around.
In the mirror world, perhaps everything was how it should be. Perhaps Pansy was putting on make-up ready for the hottest party, and Lavender was coming in to tell her to hurry up because she needed to get ready too, and they should have bought an apartment with two bathrooms.
"How could I do this to you?" Lavender said instead. "How can you tell me I’m not a monster when I can do this?"
Lavender ran her hand over the small welts on Pansy’s arm, and then her grip tightened as she broke down in tears.
Pansy still didn’t take her eyes off the mirror.
"It was an accident," Pansy said to the glass. "Anyone could have done it. It doesn’t make you a monster."
Pansy wondered for a moment who she was trying to convince.
***
Pansy couldn’t hold back her satisfied smirk as she rolled off Lavender.
Their skin was slick with sweat and they were both panting heavily in the aftermath of their orgasms.
They didn’t get nearly enough time together like this anymore.
Since the Carrows had mostly taken over the school under the watchful eyes of Snape, Pansy basically had free reign. Being a Gryffindor and a friend to Harry Potter made Lavender’s life much more difficult, however.
Pansy rested her head against Lavender’s chest, the sound of her beating heart beneath a drumming comfort.
"Do you think it will be like this forever?" Lavender asked softly, threading her fingers through Pansy’s inky hair. "Do you think Harry will ever win, or has You-Know-Who won already?"
"At the moment I’d say the latter," Pansy mused, "but Potter has a knack for surprising people."
Contrary to popular opinion, Pansy wasn’t strictly on the Dark Lord’s side. She sided with whoever was most likely to win, and currently that appeared to be the Dark side.
Pansy wasn’t worried; she knew she could thrive in any world, no matter who won. Lavender, on the other hand, was more apprehensive about the future, but Pansy knew Lavender had nothing to worry about either.
"We’ll be fine, no matter what happens," Pansy added, deciding to voice her confidence aloud. "How can we not be, if we’re by one another’s sides?"
***
The handle of the front door stared at Pansy mockingly.
It was taunting her to step inside; to go to a world where all that was offered to her was broken glass that she had to be careful not to cut herself on.
It was ironic, really, that Lavender struggled to leave their apartment, while Pansy struggled to go into it.
Pansy loved Lavender, truly, but there were days when she didn’t know which Lavender she loved.
Pansy had a job she loved, great friends and money, and Pansy also had a broken lover. And despite all the good in her life, Pansy couldn’t focus on anything but the bad. She couldn’t concentrate at work, left with feelings of guilt and anxiety about leaving Lavender home alone. She had to argue with her friends when they told her to just leave Lavender and let her sort herself out, and she had to debate whether she was defending her relationship to her friends or herself.
And then Pansy would go home to arguments, and screaming, and violence. She had to go home to battle Lavender’s demons for her. She had to go home and lie in bed, awake at night, haunted by the memories of the Lavender that once was.
Pansy hated it. She wanted to step away, and never go through that front door again. She wanted to leave the shards of Lavender behind and get on with her life.
But she couldn’t.
Pansy twisted the handle, and with a deep, calming breath, she stepped through the door.