(no subject)
So please, just tell me, how does this happen? I don't understand. What is wrong with me? What the fuck am I? Nothing but a tyrant lacking emotion and thought about the world outside herself. Why and how did I become this way? I don't get it at all...
You know it's funny how things happen in life, how people are born then turn themselves into whatever they want to be. With that freedom, the freedom to choose who you want to be... you'd think that disappointment would be an undiscovered variable. But the way that we are... we're never satisfied or happy with anything. We build ourselves up to oppose everything we'd never want to be, too naive enough to think that maybe, just maybe that's the reason the things we hate are what they are--because they tried so hard to not become them.
But think about it. How are we to live any other way? It's known that you're supposed to learn from experience, and by that knowledge not repeat the past. Oh, but history itself is repeating every day. So I'm here to propose a theory:
Perhaps we should not try so hard to stray away from what we don't want to be, but instead embrace and accept the fact that it is already what we are.
And I'm telling you, that statement is truth. The reason we hate things so much is because we know them, and we know them because they live inside of us. So why keep fighting against it, why keep trying to be something other than what we already are?
By saying this, I don't mean that we have to sit there and be as stupid as the people who also possess the qualities we wished we never had. Instead, we need to take those qualities and turn them into something beautiful... take them and trade them in for compassion and understanding, realize that things don't need to be the way they are. We do have the freedom to be whatever we want to be. God's given us the canvas; we can rip it and make a mosaic of its pieces or burn it and use it's ashes as fertilizer for the ground that lay ahead of us. Or we can add to it, keep building it. Because, you see, just because he gave us the canvas and free will doesn't mean that it was blank. He makes us all. And I've come to figure out that when he makes us, we're not all modeled after a proto-type. He gives us something, something different to us all. He doesn't build the next better than the last, never tries to create a more advanced model. But the way he builds us... he takes all different forms of obscurity, distributes them all equally so we all have the same base, but then shakes each of us up so that in the end, everything is in a different place. Hence the reason some of us move more quickly than the others, or take bigger steps while others are just taking shorter strides quicklier. And it's amusing how science always goes back to God. The way intellectuals describe genes, cells, everything we're made of... it's what I just described, in different context. Oh, how I love it.
And in this very moment it just occured to me that I forgot the reason I'm writing this, forgot what I was searching for within myself. Hopefully I'll re-read this and figure everything out.
Why do I underestimate what God created so much? It must be marvelous, and it is... but when my mother and I argue and I continually dismiss everything that comes out of her mouth, I hear in the background the last words she says before she walks out and slams the door... and she's right, I have no appreciation for anything. Not for her, not for my family, not for what I've got, where I am, not for God, not for the world, not even for myself. I have this stupid statement in my mind, one that has its roots planted well beneath my brain and it says that we're all just here because we should be; everything is the way it is because it's how it's supposed to be. And why do I listen, why haven't I shaken myself and said "NO! YOU'RE WRONG, SO WRONG! YOU LIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Why don't I take myself seriously when I think, "Wow, I'm here alive and living, so I should make the best of it because I could be gone tomorrow..."
My cockiness is at an all-time high. I've been letting it build itself higher and higher and higher and BAM!... I just shot it down. Wow. Ignorance really is bliss. And I'm ready to punch myself in the face for not seeing so long ago what's been eating away at me lately, keeping its claws sunken into my skin so deep I can't even get out of bed in the morning.
What a ride, this life of mine. And I'm ready to move on to the next attraction.