(no subject)
Many of you are going to disagree, but all of a sudden...
I don't feel like I connect with many of my old friends.
For example, I went to Geoff's party today (with Lisa), and unlike other parties, I felt disconnected from the whole thing. Rather than being a part of the group, I felt like I was a welcome old friend from many years back returning for an slightly awkward visit (as all visits from incredibly old friends are). I had very little to say to anyone, and, to tell you the truth, they had very little to say to me (mostly). I couldn't follow a great amount of the time, and I'd say about 50% of the things I said or didn't say resulted in awkward silence. Most of the comments that didn't were "reminiscent." At first, I figured I'd changed, or was superbly, unbearably, untouchably exhausted. But, after the party, at other points in the night, everything was as insane (and nice) as it always was. With Lisa, that is. Why? What happened? Why not with everyone else? Even with Chris it's difficult, I annoyed him supremely today (although he won't admit it: actually, he's seemed very irritated with something about me for about the last week and a half, he's even been making personality references, saying this and that has made you stupid (jokingly, maybe, usually when i say something that doesn't work, as has grown common, but I still get the idea) ). It's as though I mostly see people because they're friends with Katie. Like (some of them) are trying to click with me, but something about me has stopped working, some key ingredient has changed that messes everything up.
On another note, apparently I've been remembered quite negatively at Merivale, stories keep floating up that I've left an odd reputation as the most annoying and bizarre individual ever to go to the school. What did I ever do to annoy anyone? I don't know what it is. It seems I'm attacked at every corner from some of the things I've heard. It's like...my old life was waiting to get rid of me, putting up with me only because it knew I was almost gone, and now that I'm gone, they can say what they really thought. Like when I said "everyone hates me" due to my constant paranoia, it was actually true, just not on the surface. But why? What is it about me that makes me so uninteresting, unfunny, unlikable, unsweet, unkind, boring, and generally exhausting to be around? I've been trying to figure that out for 14 years now, still to no avail. (Oh, I seem to be blocked from many people on MSN too). Do people know me in university: yes, but it's been two weeks. Besides with Lisa, I haven't totally clicked with anyone like I did back in high school...yet. It's still annoying, I feel like I'm floating from one home to another. This part of my life is best comparable to that sickening feeling of falling when you're just going to sleep...
Why mixed, does it seem I'm all out frustrated? Well, I'm unbelievably happy with Lisa :). I've never had a relationship this wonderful, this perfect, this sweet and romantic, and I've never felt this way about anyone else. Were my emotions AD and D dice, Lisa would be my +2. I'm a dork. There's my ecstatic. The only thing in my current life that doesn't frustrate me to no end. Seriously, if I hadn't met her, I'd be so depressed right now. I mean, I'd carry on, but I'd be so depressed. Although I doubt anyone cares, odds are good I have virtually no friends at this point. So who am I writing to? I don't know, but I like writing. I might as well.
I don't feel like I connect with many of my old friends.
For example, I went to Geoff's party today (with Lisa), and unlike other parties, I felt disconnected from the whole thing. Rather than being a part of the group, I felt like I was a welcome old friend from many years back returning for an slightly awkward visit (as all visits from incredibly old friends are). I had very little to say to anyone, and, to tell you the truth, they had very little to say to me (mostly). I couldn't follow a great amount of the time, and I'd say about 50% of the things I said or didn't say resulted in awkward silence. Most of the comments that didn't were "reminiscent." At first, I figured I'd changed, or was superbly, unbearably, untouchably exhausted. But, after the party, at other points in the night, everything was as insane (and nice) as it always was. With Lisa, that is. Why? What happened? Why not with everyone else? Even with Chris it's difficult, I annoyed him supremely today (although he won't admit it: actually, he's seemed very irritated with something about me for about the last week and a half, he's even been making personality references, saying this and that has made you stupid (jokingly, maybe, usually when i say something that doesn't work, as has grown common, but I still get the idea) ). It's as though I mostly see people because they're friends with Katie. Like (some of them) are trying to click with me, but something about me has stopped working, some key ingredient has changed that messes everything up.
On another note, apparently I've been remembered quite negatively at Merivale, stories keep floating up that I've left an odd reputation as the most annoying and bizarre individual ever to go to the school. What did I ever do to annoy anyone? I don't know what it is. It seems I'm attacked at every corner from some of the things I've heard. It's like...my old life was waiting to get rid of me, putting up with me only because it knew I was almost gone, and now that I'm gone, they can say what they really thought. Like when I said "everyone hates me" due to my constant paranoia, it was actually true, just not on the surface. But why? What is it about me that makes me so uninteresting, unfunny, unlikable, unsweet, unkind, boring, and generally exhausting to be around? I've been trying to figure that out for 14 years now, still to no avail. (Oh, I seem to be blocked from many people on MSN too). Do people know me in university: yes, but it's been two weeks. Besides with Lisa, I haven't totally clicked with anyone like I did back in high school...yet. It's still annoying, I feel like I'm floating from one home to another. This part of my life is best comparable to that sickening feeling of falling when you're just going to sleep...
Why mixed, does it seem I'm all out frustrated? Well, I'm unbelievably happy with Lisa :). I've never had a relationship this wonderful, this perfect, this sweet and romantic, and I've never felt this way about anyone else. Were my emotions AD and D dice, Lisa would be my +2. I'm a dork. There's my ecstatic. The only thing in my current life that doesn't frustrate me to no end. Seriously, if I hadn't met her, I'd be so depressed right now. I mean, I'd carry on, but I'd be so depressed. Although I doubt anyone cares, odds are good I have virtually no friends at this point. So who am I writing to? I don't know, but I like writing. I might as well.