(no subject)
Possibly the best week of my entire life.
In the period of only seven days, my entire life totally reversed itself, in the best kind of way.
I entered Ottawa U last Saturday nervous, alone, and confused. I expected the worst turnout possible at my new home (not that the old one is gone, I have several homes): I thought everyone would hate me, I would lose my courses right away and drift pointlessly through my life looking for purpose, and slowly fade away from the fluke that was my time at Merivale. Instead, I've become oddly famous among the other Frosh people as this eccentric little party kid (acts drunk with no alcohol, dances like hilarious little village idiot): welcome everywhere, I have a group of friends like my old ones, I've figured out what I'm doing with my life, I successfully did stage comedy (who would've seen that coming?), and I'm now deep into in the best relationship I've ever had.
Let's go over each one:
1)What am I doing with my life? Psychology research. I'm going to be a scientist: more theories and experiments have come into my head in the last week than the entire rest of my life combined. It will take me easily a lifetime to figure all of this out, and it's groundbreaking stuff. I'm going to find the seat of the human soul - the function of the centre of consciousness in the brain, and I know how I'm going to do it. As far-fetched as this sounds, there's tons of research in this area, they're making headway, and I have my own ideas. There's more than just that, but it would take pages to explain.
2)Oddly famous? Well, I've done so many insane and (apparently) hilarious things over frosh week, that most of the others now know me for being in the psyche program to find out what's wrong with myself. And in university, that's a very, very good thing.
3)Group of friends? I've found some people like myself. Seriously, it's great: randomness and existentialism are the order of the day, and those have been my claim to fame forever.
4)Stage comedy? Yeah. I developed about 10 minutes of material, wrote it myself, and performed it during Shinerama as my talent. EXTREMELY well-recieved. I'd like to try this out in a club, I have more material that's too dirty for doing in public. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me (although I have done it before).
5)Relationship? Yep, I've saved the best for last. I'm now with this incredible, beautiful, intelligent, and amazing girl named Lisa (not Chris's Lisa, a different one. I have never been in a relationship like this before, it seems just so much more powerful and lovely than any of the others. Better still, I feel like my feelings (UH! awkward writing...) are totally returned: we can barely stand to be apart for any length of time. Perfect chemistry. Even stranger: everything we do just "happens." It isn't a situation of "OK we've been standing together for a while, we should kiss each other" (like every other girlfriend I've ever had) - it's "MUST...KEEP...HANDS...OFF!!! Ah too late..." And there's so much to say to each other, I never feel like I'm trying to make conversation, there's just 1000000 things to say to her going through my head at once. This is a first, there are something like 5 other people in the world I have this with. I love it, we annoy the hell out of every uncoupled person within a 100 metre radius. Andrew = happy :)
I'll post my comic material later, see what you think of it. Whether or not it's good, well, I don't know. Personally I don't like it very much (although everyone I've shown it to absolutely loved it, as did the crowd) Some of it you may recognize pieces of it, and some of it is physical and must be acted out, but that's OK, you'll get the idea if you know me :) (oh, and sorry to everyone I didn't respond to who commented in my last post, I've just been really busy: although I did read it, and I did appreciate the response :) - I WILL answer you this time)
And...I'm out.
May your feet never burst into a rendtion of the 1812 Overture during your Kindergarden naptime. Espeically not in Swahili, the irony could start a riot.
PS: the comic material is below, for those interested. I performed the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th pieces, as 1 is too dirty (you'll recognize # 1), and 5 is not yet fleshed out.
Andrew's comic material
Lately I've been dating a psychic. I can't stand it, she tells me how long I'm going to last before I even get into bed. That could explain why I'm still a virgin. You can't possibly comprehend what this is like. I mean, my last week went something like this: Monday: "Honey..." "2 minutes 22 seconds. Go to sleep." Tuesday: "Honey..." "1 minute, 6 seconds. Go to Sleep." Wednesday: "Honey..." "Don't you "Honey" me. You went off a whole minute ago, and there is no way I'm taking the sloppy seconds." Next time, I think I'll date a girl with amnesia. Every night will be the best sex she ever remembers having.
If there's one thing in this entire world that drives me totally and completely nuts, it's, when you're at a hockey game, the ridiculous things people shout out at the players. Like take the other day, for instance. I'm sitting down, watching my brother play his tournament, when the woman to the left of me starts shouting out "EVERYBODY! Skate up! Skate up!," while at the same time, the guy to my right is sitting there yelling "EVERYBODY FALL BACK!!! FALL BACK!" I mean, these people are sitting less than three feet away from each other. Do they not realize they're shouting completely opposite commands? And besides, do they actually think they're going to have any effect on the game? You see the coach sitting there in the dressing room "OK team: I've decided we're not gonna plan out any plays tonight. Instead, I just want you to do whatever the audience shouts at you." Even worse has to be the people who just sit there shouting "SKATE! SKATE!" "What? We can skate? HEY TEAM! IT SEEMS THERE'S A BETTER WAY!!!" If I ever own a hockey arena, I'm going to have a little billboard that tells all the fans what to shout at the game, and have a little soundproof box for people who shout anything different. Honestly, if there's anything hockey needs these days, it's a penalty box for fans. "YOU! OVER THERE! Two minutes for dancing like a friggin moron." "YOU! OVER THERE! Four minutes for shouting stupid-ass commands at the game. HEY! Who the hell eats sushi at a hockey game, that's five minutes." YOU! yeah, you, sitting beside me. Full-season suspension for being thirty-five years old and not yet discovering the use of deoderant."
What a childhood I had. like take my dad for instance. I'd ask him if I could go out skating, he'd tell me to wait until it got warmer out. And school: I never could stand school. The learning itself wasn't bad, it was just every time something went wrong at home, I'd fail another class. My brother gave me a black eye, I failed math; my sister broke my Tonka trucks, I failed English; my mom got a vasectomy, I failed health class...Man. And I was an ugly child too. As a matter of fact, I was so ugly, my mom used to feed me with a slingshot. I guess it had it's advantages - we lived in a tough neighborhood, but we didn't need a guard dog: my dad would just get me to sit on the front lawn every time a gang walked by. Everybody called our house the safest in the whole community...when I wasn't inside. We spent a fortune repairing the mirrors though, I must have something like 287 years of bad luck by now. Honestly, my face was so hideous, I would go to school, and the teacher would tell me not to get a haircut. They would've given me detention for being dressed inappropriately with the hair too short, but they didn't want to kill the supervisor. In fact, I was so ugly as a kid, we didn't keep any lights in the house for my family's protection. They would've put a bag over my head, but every time they tried, it shrivelled up and fell to the ground. I honestly used to wish I could someday be half as attractive as those paper bags. What the Hell, I still do.
I've found the most excellent way imaginable to take out your anger. Rather than punching out your asshole boss, kicking the crap out of your ex-girlfriend, or performing chinese water torture on your mother-in-law (although these are all great techniques too), I find it helps to take out your anger on random objects. For example, say I was angry at my boss, rather than beating him to death with a stick, and risk being sent to prison for 30 years, I could go outside and publicly slander...say...eyebrows. '"I JUST CAN'T ENDURE THOSE BLOODY EYEBROWS! THEY'RE THE MOST RIDICULOUS BODY PART I CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, I MEAN, WHAT DO THEY EVER DO FOR US? THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING ALL SMUG UP ON THERE ON YOUR FOREHEAD DONG NOTHING AT ALL ALL DAY LONG...WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO FOR US? DO THEY STOP THE RAIN, NO THEY DON'T STOP THE RAIN, THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS! IT'S LIKE HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE ON YOUR FACE THAT ISN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO PRODUCE SHIT!!! IF I HAD MY WAY I'D HAVE ALL THE WORLDS EYEBROWS BURNED OFF THE HUMAN FACE!!! I JUST CANNOT ENDURE THEM!!!!" (add more to this, it only really works improvised)' Of course, this tends to work even better if you do take out your anger using this method more directly. For example, : "THERE'S NOTHING I CAN'T ENDURE MORE THAN THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!! IT JUST DRIVES ME UP THE BLOODY WALL! MAKING ME WORK ALL THOSE OVERTIME HOURS WITHOUT EXTRA PAY, TAKING CREDIT FOR ALL MY HARD WORK, NEVER GIVING ME ANY RAISES OR PROMOTIONS. AND WHAT'S WITH THAT RIDICULOUS GUT? DOES THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS DO ANYTHING BUT SIT IN THE OFFICE ALL DAY DRINKING CHEAP WINE? NO! NO IT DOESN'T!!! IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I WOULD PLUCK ALL OF THEM OFF, THEN KILL THEIR STUPID LITTLE SUCKUPS WHO DO NOTHING BUT BROWNNOSE THEM ALL DAY LONG! I JUST HATE THE HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!!!" Of course, this technique can horribly backfire if used incorrectly. Like for instance, my British friend started getting pretty fed up on his first visit to Ottawa, when I advised him to try randomly ranting. It went something like this: "I HATE THOSE BLOODY CANADIANS! THEM WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS WORDS...LIKE...LIKE HOME-DOGG, AND HOME-SLICE - GOD EVERYTIME I HEAR HOME-SLICE, I PICTURE SOMEONE PUTTING A LITTLE HAPPY FACE ON THEIR DOOR, CUTTING IT OFF, THEN TAKING IT TO SCHOOL WITH THEM AND MAKING OUT WITH THE BLOODY THING!!! I WOULD LOVE TO BLOW THIS BACKWATER LITTLE COUNTRY OUT OF EXISTENCE!!!" I'm sorry to say, he's no longer with us.
[[this one I improvise greatly each time, and cut down in ways made up on the spot, it isn't this long when I perform it: I have to get into this character, but the all caps provide generalities for the character.]]
[[This next one is pretty weak, as I haven't worked through it yet, but there are essences of jokes here, I just haven't sucked them out yet, let me know if you have any ideas for it]]
Uh! I can't wrap my brain around chemistry at all lately! Of course, it might help if I stopped trying to wrap my brain around it, and actually worked at some point. Besides, it's making a bit of a mess on the page, and I'm getting papercuts on the thing. Have you ever tried putting a band-aid on that thing? It's friggin impossible - I always miss and hit my language centre, which sends me off on a rant in Cantonese. I met a Chinese man the other day. He couldn't speak English at all. Damn good thing I was carrying a pack of band-aids...
In the period of only seven days, my entire life totally reversed itself, in the best kind of way.
I entered Ottawa U last Saturday nervous, alone, and confused. I expected the worst turnout possible at my new home (not that the old one is gone, I have several homes): I thought everyone would hate me, I would lose my courses right away and drift pointlessly through my life looking for purpose, and slowly fade away from the fluke that was my time at Merivale. Instead, I've become oddly famous among the other Frosh people as this eccentric little party kid (acts drunk with no alcohol, dances like hilarious little village idiot): welcome everywhere, I have a group of friends like my old ones, I've figured out what I'm doing with my life, I successfully did stage comedy (who would've seen that coming?), and I'm now deep into in the best relationship I've ever had.
Let's go over each one:
1)What am I doing with my life? Psychology research. I'm going to be a scientist: more theories and experiments have come into my head in the last week than the entire rest of my life combined. It will take me easily a lifetime to figure all of this out, and it's groundbreaking stuff. I'm going to find the seat of the human soul - the function of the centre of consciousness in the brain, and I know how I'm going to do it. As far-fetched as this sounds, there's tons of research in this area, they're making headway, and I have my own ideas. There's more than just that, but it would take pages to explain.
2)Oddly famous? Well, I've done so many insane and (apparently) hilarious things over frosh week, that most of the others now know me for being in the psyche program to find out what's wrong with myself. And in university, that's a very, very good thing.
3)Group of friends? I've found some people like myself. Seriously, it's great: randomness and existentialism are the order of the day, and those have been my claim to fame forever.
4)Stage comedy? Yeah. I developed about 10 minutes of material, wrote it myself, and performed it during Shinerama as my talent. EXTREMELY well-recieved. I'd like to try this out in a club, I have more material that's too dirty for doing in public. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me (although I have done it before).
5)Relationship? Yep, I've saved the best for last. I'm now with this incredible, beautiful, intelligent, and amazing girl named Lisa (not Chris's Lisa, a different one. I have never been in a relationship like this before, it seems just so much more powerful and lovely than any of the others. Better still, I feel like my feelings (UH! awkward writing...) are totally returned: we can barely stand to be apart for any length of time. Perfect chemistry. Even stranger: everything we do just "happens." It isn't a situation of "OK we've been standing together for a while, we should kiss each other" (like every other girlfriend I've ever had) - it's "MUST...KEEP...HANDS...OFF!!! Ah too late..." And there's so much to say to each other, I never feel like I'm trying to make conversation, there's just 1000000 things to say to her going through my head at once. This is a first, there are something like 5 other people in the world I have this with. I love it, we annoy the hell out of every uncoupled person within a 100 metre radius. Andrew = happy :)
I'll post my comic material later, see what you think of it. Whether or not it's good, well, I don't know. Personally I don't like it very much (although everyone I've shown it to absolutely loved it, as did the crowd) Some of it you may recognize pieces of it, and some of it is physical and must be acted out, but that's OK, you'll get the idea if you know me :) (oh, and sorry to everyone I didn't respond to who commented in my last post, I've just been really busy: although I did read it, and I did appreciate the response :) - I WILL answer you this time)
And...I'm out.
May your feet never burst into a rendtion of the 1812 Overture during your Kindergarden naptime. Espeically not in Swahili, the irony could start a riot.
PS: the comic material is below, for those interested. I performed the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th pieces, as 1 is too dirty (you'll recognize # 1), and 5 is not yet fleshed out.
Andrew's comic material
Lately I've been dating a psychic. I can't stand it, she tells me how long I'm going to last before I even get into bed. That could explain why I'm still a virgin. You can't possibly comprehend what this is like. I mean, my last week went something like this: Monday: "Honey..." "2 minutes 22 seconds. Go to sleep." Tuesday: "Honey..." "1 minute, 6 seconds. Go to Sleep." Wednesday: "Honey..." "Don't you "Honey" me. You went off a whole minute ago, and there is no way I'm taking the sloppy seconds." Next time, I think I'll date a girl with amnesia. Every night will be the best sex she ever remembers having.
If there's one thing in this entire world that drives me totally and completely nuts, it's, when you're at a hockey game, the ridiculous things people shout out at the players. Like take the other day, for instance. I'm sitting down, watching my brother play his tournament, when the woman to the left of me starts shouting out "EVERYBODY! Skate up! Skate up!," while at the same time, the guy to my right is sitting there yelling "EVERYBODY FALL BACK!!! FALL BACK!" I mean, these people are sitting less than three feet away from each other. Do they not realize they're shouting completely opposite commands? And besides, do they actually think they're going to have any effect on the game? You see the coach sitting there in the dressing room "OK team: I've decided we're not gonna plan out any plays tonight. Instead, I just want you to do whatever the audience shouts at you." Even worse has to be the people who just sit there shouting "SKATE! SKATE!" "What? We can skate? HEY TEAM! IT SEEMS THERE'S A BETTER WAY!!!" If I ever own a hockey arena, I'm going to have a little billboard that tells all the fans what to shout at the game, and have a little soundproof box for people who shout anything different. Honestly, if there's anything hockey needs these days, it's a penalty box for fans. "YOU! OVER THERE! Two minutes for dancing like a friggin moron." "YOU! OVER THERE! Four minutes for shouting stupid-ass commands at the game. HEY! Who the hell eats sushi at a hockey game, that's five minutes." YOU! yeah, you, sitting beside me. Full-season suspension for being thirty-five years old and not yet discovering the use of deoderant."
What a childhood I had. like take my dad for instance. I'd ask him if I could go out skating, he'd tell me to wait until it got warmer out. And school: I never could stand school. The learning itself wasn't bad, it was just every time something went wrong at home, I'd fail another class. My brother gave me a black eye, I failed math; my sister broke my Tonka trucks, I failed English; my mom got a vasectomy, I failed health class...Man. And I was an ugly child too. As a matter of fact, I was so ugly, my mom used to feed me with a slingshot. I guess it had it's advantages - we lived in a tough neighborhood, but we didn't need a guard dog: my dad would just get me to sit on the front lawn every time a gang walked by. Everybody called our house the safest in the whole community...when I wasn't inside. We spent a fortune repairing the mirrors though, I must have something like 287 years of bad luck by now. Honestly, my face was so hideous, I would go to school, and the teacher would tell me not to get a haircut. They would've given me detention for being dressed inappropriately with the hair too short, but they didn't want to kill the supervisor. In fact, I was so ugly as a kid, we didn't keep any lights in the house for my family's protection. They would've put a bag over my head, but every time they tried, it shrivelled up and fell to the ground. I honestly used to wish I could someday be half as attractive as those paper bags. What the Hell, I still do.
I've found the most excellent way imaginable to take out your anger. Rather than punching out your asshole boss, kicking the crap out of your ex-girlfriend, or performing chinese water torture on your mother-in-law (although these are all great techniques too), I find it helps to take out your anger on random objects. For example, say I was angry at my boss, rather than beating him to death with a stick, and risk being sent to prison for 30 years, I could go outside and publicly slander...say...eyebrows. '"I JUST CAN'T ENDURE THOSE BLOODY EYEBROWS! THEY'RE THE MOST RIDICULOUS BODY PART I CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, I MEAN, WHAT DO THEY EVER DO FOR US? THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING ALL SMUG UP ON THERE ON YOUR FOREHEAD DONG NOTHING AT ALL ALL DAY LONG...WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO FOR US? DO THEY STOP THE RAIN, NO THEY DON'T STOP THE RAIN, THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS! IT'S LIKE HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE ON YOUR FACE THAT ISN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO PRODUCE SHIT!!! IF I HAD MY WAY I'D HAVE ALL THE WORLDS EYEBROWS BURNED OFF THE HUMAN FACE!!! I JUST CANNOT ENDURE THEM!!!!" (add more to this, it only really works improvised)' Of course, this tends to work even better if you do take out your anger using this method more directly. For example, : "THERE'S NOTHING I CAN'T ENDURE MORE THAN THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!! IT JUST DRIVES ME UP THE BLOODY WALL! MAKING ME WORK ALL THOSE OVERTIME HOURS WITHOUT EXTRA PAY, TAKING CREDIT FOR ALL MY HARD WORK, NEVER GIVING ME ANY RAISES OR PROMOTIONS. AND WHAT'S WITH THAT RIDICULOUS GUT? DOES THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS DO ANYTHING BUT SIT IN THE OFFICE ALL DAY DRINKING CHEAP WINE? NO! NO IT DOESN'T!!! IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I WOULD PLUCK ALL OF THEM OFF, THEN KILL THEIR STUPID LITTLE SUCKUPS WHO DO NOTHING BUT BROWNNOSE THEM ALL DAY LONG! I JUST HATE THE HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!!!" Of course, this technique can horribly backfire if used incorrectly. Like for instance, my British friend started getting pretty fed up on his first visit to Ottawa, when I advised him to try randomly ranting. It went something like this: "I HATE THOSE BLOODY CANADIANS! THEM WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS WORDS...LIKE...LIKE HOME-DOGG, AND HOME-SLICE - GOD EVERYTIME I HEAR HOME-SLICE, I PICTURE SOMEONE PUTTING A LITTLE HAPPY FACE ON THEIR DOOR, CUTTING IT OFF, THEN TAKING IT TO SCHOOL WITH THEM AND MAKING OUT WITH THE BLOODY THING!!! I WOULD LOVE TO BLOW THIS BACKWATER LITTLE COUNTRY OUT OF EXISTENCE!!!" I'm sorry to say, he's no longer with us.
[[this one I improvise greatly each time, and cut down in ways made up on the spot, it isn't this long when I perform it: I have to get into this character, but the all caps provide generalities for the character.]]
[[This next one is pretty weak, as I haven't worked through it yet, but there are essences of jokes here, I just haven't sucked them out yet, let me know if you have any ideas for it]]
Uh! I can't wrap my brain around chemistry at all lately! Of course, it might help if I stopped trying to wrap my brain around it, and actually worked at some point. Besides, it's making a bit of a mess on the page, and I'm getting papercuts on the thing. Have you ever tried putting a band-aid on that thing? It's friggin impossible - I always miss and hit my language centre, which sends me off on a rant in Cantonese. I met a Chinese man the other day. He couldn't speak English at all. Damn good thing I was carrying a pack of band-aids...