what happened? what the hell happened?!

[darksyde78]

I don't think I've ever felt this helpless in all my life. See, for those that don't know, Gretchen's car was repossessed last Saturday; basically stranding me in downtown Champaign. We got the letter saying they were coming for the car the following tuesday; yeah...we honestly didn't expect them to come for her car. I'm going to be upfront here...I take all the blame for this happening. Gretchen has been working her ass off as of late, and I haven't been able to find steady full time work since we moved down here...until this week. We fell behind on bills, basically. And, as previously stated, I take full blame for this. Maybe it's the whole macho thing, but I feel like a total piece of shit for not being able to provide for the both of us. Well, we still had my car, and we knew it would be difficult to co-ordinate our schedules, but we almost had it figured out...until they came at about 1 am tonight to get my car. So now, just when we were about to get somewhat back on our collective feet, fate comes along and breaks my kneecaps with a fucking tire iron. Right now I'm trying to find a cheap bike via craigslist, and I think I have a lead on one...but that still doesn't change the fact that I fucked up...fucked up bad. I could try blaming the economy as most people do, or the fact that the job market here basically sucks, but I'm tired of trying to find excuses. Hopefully, the fact that I am now working full time as a chump security guard at Menards will allow me to possibly get a personal loan from my bank. (one of the few things I haven't fucked up yet) I just want to get enough to get her car out of hock and maybe get a beater car...but knowing my luck/fate, I'm probably just going to get laughed out of the bank. And I'll be damned if I'm going to a payday loan place to get an installment loan. I just don't know where it all went wrong...I really don't. I'm not a psychologist, but I know what depression is; and there is really nothing I can do about it right now. Yes, I should probably just "suck it up" and deal with it, but I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it. Don't take that the wrong way...I don't own a gun, and there aren't any cliffs around here...hell, I don't even have a car right now!
What happened with this life?! Growing up, I know I was led to believe that everything would work out, and no matter what happened, life would be fine...WELL IT FUCKING ISN'T!!! I don't blame anyone for that; we were all naive at one time. I really don't care if anyone knows about all this stuff...I'm tired of trying to put up a happy facade...well, I'm shattering that illusion right now; aside from my loving wife, my life almost isn't worth living. Please, this ISN'T a cry for help or attention...I just need to vent my darkest thoughts.
I used to be a positive person, if you can believe it...growing up, even through most of my teen years I was somewhat optimistic...now I'm just a cynical husk of a person.
Ok, I'm done for now...in another 2 hours I will have been up for 24 consecutive hours, and I don't see myself going to sleep anytime soon...