(no subject)
It's been a rough couple of weeks. After hearing about my old teacher dying .. well, I don't think I've quite got over it. I'm still hurting inside and I don't have anyone I can tell this to because it'll sound strange.. I know he isn't family, and that I hadn't seen him since before the summer holidays, but there are some people you will never forget. He was one of them for me. He was the reason I got a C in Psychology, because he was such a good teacher and because he was such a good person. And I don't think that I got the chance to properly thank him, because I was too scared of showing emotions, I still am.
And then last week I got a call from a woman I used to babysit for. She has a little girl called Hannah, and I liked them both. She was married, but when she called me last week she told me that he had decided to leave her and her daughter last February and then proceeded to apologise for not being in contact for a long time. This shook me, because their house felt like a home. It was warm, they were happy and Little Hannah was beautiful. And yes, they're not family, and, I guess, I wouldn't class them as friends, but I cared about them and the news shook me.
These two pieces of information coming to me so close together has completed shaken me, and I'm not recovered. Throw in all the instances of people around me cheating on their 'loved ones' and I'm not altogether handling things well.
But tonight, after writing that post, and crying (a lot) and not really telling anybody that I was sitting in my room with the light off sobbing, John came online. And I told him I was not doing well. And the fact that the one person I needed right then was there, at that moment, that once, has calmed me down. Because he loves me, and it might not be the love you see in films, or soaps, or books, but it's a real love that I have right now. And it's something I couldn't bare to lose because I know he knows that I will be here for him too, despite the distance and the infrequency with which we're going to be seeing each other for the next three years.
So I'll wait until Christmas before I give him the hug he deserves for loving me and putting up with the emotional parts of me, because most of the time I can't put up with them.
And then last week I got a call from a woman I used to babysit for. She has a little girl called Hannah, and I liked them both. She was married, but when she called me last week she told me that he had decided to leave her and her daughter last February and then proceeded to apologise for not being in contact for a long time. This shook me, because their house felt like a home. It was warm, they were happy and Little Hannah was beautiful. And yes, they're not family, and, I guess, I wouldn't class them as friends, but I cared about them and the news shook me.
These two pieces of information coming to me so close together has completed shaken me, and I'm not recovered. Throw in all the instances of people around me cheating on their 'loved ones' and I'm not altogether handling things well.
But tonight, after writing that post, and crying (a lot) and not really telling anybody that I was sitting in my room with the light off sobbing, John came online. And I told him I was not doing well. And the fact that the one person I needed right then was there, at that moment, that once, has calmed me down. Because he loves me, and it might not be the love you see in films, or soaps, or books, but it's a real love that I have right now. And it's something I couldn't bare to lose because I know he knows that I will be here for him too, despite the distance and the infrequency with which we're going to be seeing each other for the next three years.
So I'll wait until Christmas before I give him the hug he deserves for loving me and putting up with the emotional parts of me, because most of the time I can't put up with them.