(no subject)
I really, really wish I could understand other people. I wish I could understand myself. But I cannot. And sometimes, I just feel so tired that I don't want to do any of this anymore.
Dealing with depression is not easy. It is not fun. It is not, as it may seem to other people, a self-indulgent cycle. Depression is not something I can turn on and off. It is not something that a simple day out will fix. I cannot say that my depression will ever go away. It is, and potentially always will be, something that will rule my life.
I face a lot of social stigma attached to my depression. I am 'weird' or 'dramatic'. Generally, people fail to grasp why some of my reactions occur as they do. Why I tend to be dramatic. It is done as a way of managing the emotions I need to deal with. If I can make them into a joke of sorts, into a personality trait that seems dramatic or overwrought, people tend to not realise that there are underlying fears and pressures. I think, deep down, most of us who live with depression are more scared of people giving up on us because we are 'hopeless', than we are scared of some thinking we are absurd.
I put myself under far too much pressure, perhaps in an attempt to distract myself. Perhaps to try and prove that despite my 'real' life, I have value. It is hardly a secret my self-esteem has taken a battering lately. Spending Christmas sick and alone may have triggered a slight 'regression' in the progress I have felt that I have been making. I lost that sense of accomplishment from managing to make it through the two years of school. I also sometimes feel like people are judging me on how well I did do at the end of it. I will not lie. My results were acceptable. I managed to do a lot better than many people. But in the end, I made a mess of it. I did not get any of the help I needed at the time, I procrastinated, and ultimately, I let myself down.
I could not even tell you what I was trying to accomplish with this post. I suppose it was simply a way to get all of the anger and hurt out. Maybe.
Dealing with depression is not easy. It is not fun. It is not, as it may seem to other people, a self-indulgent cycle. Depression is not something I can turn on and off. It is not something that a simple day out will fix. I cannot say that my depression will ever go away. It is, and potentially always will be, something that will rule my life.
I face a lot of social stigma attached to my depression. I am 'weird' or 'dramatic'. Generally, people fail to grasp why some of my reactions occur as they do. Why I tend to be dramatic. It is done as a way of managing the emotions I need to deal with. If I can make them into a joke of sorts, into a personality trait that seems dramatic or overwrought, people tend to not realise that there are underlying fears and pressures. I think, deep down, most of us who live with depression are more scared of people giving up on us because we are 'hopeless', than we are scared of some thinking we are absurd.
I put myself under far too much pressure, perhaps in an attempt to distract myself. Perhaps to try and prove that despite my 'real' life, I have value. It is hardly a secret my self-esteem has taken a battering lately. Spending Christmas sick and alone may have triggered a slight 'regression' in the progress I have felt that I have been making. I lost that sense of accomplishment from managing to make it through the two years of school. I also sometimes feel like people are judging me on how well I did do at the end of it. I will not lie. My results were acceptable. I managed to do a lot better than many people. But in the end, I made a mess of it. I did not get any of the help I needed at the time, I procrastinated, and ultimately, I let myself down.
I could not even tell you what I was trying to accomplish with this post. I suppose it was simply a way to get all of the anger and hurt out. Maybe.