(no subject)
I realise I haven't made an update in a long time now. I suppose I have been slowly pulling back from most of the regular online activities I used to do religiously or obsessively. I view that as partially good and partially bad. Livejournal always provided an excellent ground to vent and put down ideas and fears as they occured, rather than what I've been doing lately, and letting them breed and get progressively bigger in my own mind. So, I've decided it might be an idea to attempt to use this again to see if it helps.
So, an update first on where I'm at, I suppose. I did gain admittance to university in Wollongong. Unfortunately, my depression, stress and anxiety issues increased to the point where I've been unable to cope with all but the most basic tasks required. As a result, I cannot see me passing any of the courses this first semester. I recently had an evaluation, and my anxiety symptoms are now severe, and I've often been unable to physically get out of bed for no discernable reason. Realistically, it might be better in the long-term to simply drop out. However, speaking to people and my own determination means that despite the additional costs it's now going to incur, I'm willing to attempt to correct some of the problems by retaking some courses and making some of the other credit points up. While I do enjoy some aspects of university, there are others I do find difficult to cope with. I really have no interest in treating classes as 'perving' sessions or a social event. While there are some lovely people in some of my classes, I'm there to learn. It's sort of a weird experience, coming into that mindset whereas through the last two years I did mess about a bit in class.
I've also started a new relationship. It's been a long time since I have felt comfortable enough with myself, with my body, with my past to open up to someone properly and try and deal with a more mature relationship. It has its hiccups, obviously, every relationship does. What I wasn't prepared for was what it would do to me emotionally. I've been a bit of a mess lately in that respect, getting upset easily, or teary. Feeling very guilty if I say or do something stupid or annoying. Part of that is anxiety, but I think I'm approaching a stage where I'm emotionally and mentally ready to address some of the problems and events of my childhood. Being with someone who's not easily dominated, physically or mentally is a new experience for me. I know I intentionally choose people who are weak, so I can be the strong one. This time, I often feel like he's the one taking care of me. It's a period of adjustment, and it's also bringing to the surface strong emotions. Sitting down and thinking about it, I suppose some of the problem is that I feel like every man in my life has abandoned me in one way or another, or betrayed me. I think part of me is just waiting for it to happen again, so I'm reacting overly emotionally every time something occurs that makes one of us irritated.
However, it's not entirely bad. He makes me laugh and certainly makes me happy. While the fear and anxiety is still there, I can cope with it for now, and keep a more positive outlook that time will ensure that I sort of let some trust develop.
I've also become involved with the SCA again. Spending some time with certain people a few years ago started to push me in that direction- now that there's a group at university, I did force myself to join, though I did have a mini-panic attack the first few times I approached or did something. I've relaxed a bit and am really enjoying the people and the experiences, and of course, the clothing. I think it's certainly providing me a good grounding in socialising as well as providing the creative and organisational outlet I need so I can keep back from the depressive feelings I get when I'm not occupied. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it develops over the coming year as I get more involved and more organised. I just know that I need to make sure I balance my uni life around my 'SCA life'.
writing all this down, short as it is, does make me feel calmer, just knowing what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I do need to consider if the choices I'm making at the moment are the best for me, though.
So, an update first on where I'm at, I suppose. I did gain admittance to university in Wollongong. Unfortunately, my depression, stress and anxiety issues increased to the point where I've been unable to cope with all but the most basic tasks required. As a result, I cannot see me passing any of the courses this first semester. I recently had an evaluation, and my anxiety symptoms are now severe, and I've often been unable to physically get out of bed for no discernable reason. Realistically, it might be better in the long-term to simply drop out. However, speaking to people and my own determination means that despite the additional costs it's now going to incur, I'm willing to attempt to correct some of the problems by retaking some courses and making some of the other credit points up. While I do enjoy some aspects of university, there are others I do find difficult to cope with. I really have no interest in treating classes as 'perving' sessions or a social event. While there are some lovely people in some of my classes, I'm there to learn. It's sort of a weird experience, coming into that mindset whereas through the last two years I did mess about a bit in class.
I've also started a new relationship. It's been a long time since I have felt comfortable enough with myself, with my body, with my past to open up to someone properly and try and deal with a more mature relationship. It has its hiccups, obviously, every relationship does. What I wasn't prepared for was what it would do to me emotionally. I've been a bit of a mess lately in that respect, getting upset easily, or teary. Feeling very guilty if I say or do something stupid or annoying. Part of that is anxiety, but I think I'm approaching a stage where I'm emotionally and mentally ready to address some of the problems and events of my childhood. Being with someone who's not easily dominated, physically or mentally is a new experience for me. I know I intentionally choose people who are weak, so I can be the strong one. This time, I often feel like he's the one taking care of me. It's a period of adjustment, and it's also bringing to the surface strong emotions. Sitting down and thinking about it, I suppose some of the problem is that I feel like every man in my life has abandoned me in one way or another, or betrayed me. I think part of me is just waiting for it to happen again, so I'm reacting overly emotionally every time something occurs that makes one of us irritated.
However, it's not entirely bad. He makes me laugh and certainly makes me happy. While the fear and anxiety is still there, I can cope with it for now, and keep a more positive outlook that time will ensure that I sort of let some trust develop.
I've also become involved with the SCA again. Spending some time with certain people a few years ago started to push me in that direction- now that there's a group at university, I did force myself to join, though I did have a mini-panic attack the first few times I approached or did something. I've relaxed a bit and am really enjoying the people and the experiences, and of course, the clothing. I think it's certainly providing me a good grounding in socialising as well as providing the creative and organisational outlet I need so I can keep back from the depressive feelings I get when I'm not occupied. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it develops over the coming year as I get more involved and more organised. I just know that I need to make sure I balance my uni life around my 'SCA life'.
writing all this down, short as it is, does make me feel calmer, just knowing what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I do need to consider if the choices I'm making at the moment are the best for me, though.