Fic: Elizabeth - Chapter 4 (2/2)
Tommy can´t tear his eyes away from Adam´s breathtaking beauty. “I´ll try, I promise. You look breathtaking, so go and shine.”
Adam smiles at Tommy shaking his head. “It´s just makeup and clothes. You look more beautiful with Elizabeth in your arms.”
Tommy blushes at the compliment and after a brief hesitation, Adam bows down and kisses Tommy. It´s slow and sensual and very arousing. After a brief moment Adam´s lips leave his and Adam disappears, leaving Tommy standing there frozen.
Later that night Adam comes home, his head hurting from all the interviews. The event itself was amazing and great for LGBT but how could he answer questions about his future when he doesn´t even know the answer. He gets rid of his shoes and jacket and goes to check on Elizabeth. When she´s not in her crib, he immediately knows she´s with Tommy in their bed.
He moves quietly and just as he thought, Tommy is sleeping on their bed with Elizabeth next to him. He watches them quietly and suddenly he can´t breathe. He sees his daughter, but all he can think about is that she's theirs. He´s so used to thinking about everything as theirs. Their house, bedroom, daughter… future. He can see his future in bright colors and he´s never alone. He always has Tommy by his side. What is he supposed to do now? How come he didn´t notice he fell in love with Tommy? How can he survive Tommy leaving his life?
He takes Elizabeth into his arms and takes her to her own bedroom, holding her. He looks out of her window, thinking about his options. He feels tears running down his cheek when he realizes what he has to do. He talks to his sleeping daughter. “I have to tell him, baby. I have to tell papa. I have to tell him I love him. That sleeping next to him every night and not being able to touch him is killing me. He is a good man, baby. He will never judge me but he will want to go. I have to tell him and hope our friendship will survive so I can have him in our life. I know he will always love you. He will always be your papa, in my mind.” After being strong enough to say it out loud, he lays Elizabeth down in her crib and wipes his face, sobbing a bit, whispering to himself, “I will do it soon. I promise.” And with that he kisses his baby girl and heads to his bedroom.
He takes a quick shower and gets into bed. He brings Tommy into his arms, spooning him, breathing in Tommy´s scent. He´s sure Elizabeth will wake them up shortly and he has to deal with his own feelings, but for now, he´s happy.
After that night Tommy starts to feel different. He can't really figure out why, but the feeling is there. Adam is still affectionate and tender and fun. They spend lots of time together playing with Elizabeth. They are happy with all of the progress she makes and it makes them happy but at the same time, he sees sadness in Adam´s eyes even though he´s smiling. They have their routine of good morning and goodnight kisses, but more and more Tommy feels that Adam is kissing him like there is no tomorrow. Last time Adam went to some musical premiere with Sutan he kissed him slow and passionate but he can´t help but sense that Adam was desperate. He feels something is happening, he just doesn´t know what.
Now that Elizabeth´s teeth are not causing so much trouble, he spends more time on the Internet. He realizes some fans are sweet and some are crazy, but he thinks that reading some of their tweets could hurt anyone. He opens his laptop and puts his legs up on the coffee table. Elizabeth is resting peacefully next to him, pillows all around her to prevent her from falling off. He opens twitter and check his mentions. He hasn't been on twitter for so long, he thinks, maybe he can tweet something funny.
He starts reading his mentions and at first he´s glad that he sees a lot of tweets with his and Adam´s name in them, but his smile fades when he realizes what all those people are talking about. Why do all of those people think they broke up? He knows that they haven't been seen together much but it´s mainly because they don´t have much time to go out these days. His heart clenches when he reads some girl telling another that Adam doesn´t talk about them, never answers any questions, and that it´s suspicious. Tommy doesn´t want to believe any of it because if it´s true, it means their time is over.
He´s not out there as much, open to world, because he likes his privacy and it never occur to him to search for any information. He searches more through his feed and opens some links pointing to Adam´s interviews. Some are videos, some are print articles. He watches all the videos he can find, reads all the articles as well, and all he can see is Adam. Beautiful Adam talking about his new music and about all the experiences he had while he was recording. And in every single one, Adam refuses to talk about his private life. He admits that there are big changes in his life but he is not willing to talk about it. Every blog opens is speculating about what these changes might be and most of them agree that after some time, Adam is single again.
Tommy realizes that the last few weeks he was basically home with Elizabeth all the time, or when he had days off, he was happy to just drive around in his car and he has to admit that he wasn´t really social with anyone except Adam but he never needed to ask those things because he believed Adam would tell him. Adam would give him time. He´s always been honest with him.
His head starts to spin and the only thing he can think of is “No, God not yet” but deep inside he´s slowly accepting the truth. He tries hide his feelings when Adam comes home that day, but he knows they need to talk. Adam needs to tell him the truth. He knows Adam has a party scheduled for next night but they both have day off after that, so he is determined to solve this for good, because he can´t go on like this anymore. It just hurts too much.
The next afternoon Adam is preparing for the party he´s supposed to attend. He tells Tommy it´s for a good cause so he´s going but he would rather spend his evening with Tommy and Elizabeth. Tommy is sitting on the couch with Elizabeth nestled in his arms, thinking about what he wants to say to Adam, when the doorbell rings. He asks who´s at the gate and the answer makes him weak in the knees. The girl introduces herself as a candidate for the position of Mr. Lambert´s babysitter, sent by an employment agency. He buzzes the gate open and waits for her at the door. When she comes in, he asks her to wait in the living room and leaves to tell Adam. When she tries to touch Elizabeth in Tommy´s arms, he turns around sharply, not letting her.
He knocks on the bathroom door and enters. Adam smiles at him but when sees Tommy´s strict face his smile fades. “What happened, baby?”
“There is a girl downstairs waiting for you. Said the agency sent her for an interview to be your babysitter.” Tommy tries hard not to sound cold, but he does anyway. He holds Elizabeth even closer to his chest as he turns around and leaves the bedroom whispering, “Come on baby, Tommy will take you to your bed.”
Adam gasps in surprise behind him, because Tommy has never addressed himself other than papa and he knows he just made a huge mistake not telling him about the babysitter.
He tries to stop him. “Tommy …” But Tommy can´t face Adam right now, he´s not strong enough. “She´s waiting, Adam.”
And with that he´s gone. Adam goes downstairs and introduces himself, but apologizes, saying he can´t hold the interview because he´s leaving soon and that he probably mixed up the dates. He schedules a new date with the sitter, and shows her out. He heads to Elizabeth´s room to face Tommy. He realizes he hurt him, he just doesn´t know how much.
In Elizabeth´s room Tommy is looking out the window, trying to pull himself together, thinks about what this all means. Everything he comes up with pushes him closer to tears. He thinks about Adam and how things have changed. He now understands all the weird vibes and strange feelings. He realizes that that even people he never met knew before he did. He wanted to doubt, wanted to keep his faith for a little longer, but hiring a babysitter without even mentioning it could only mean one thing. His borrowed time is up.
Elizabeth won't need him anymore, Adam won't need him anymore, and all he can think of is how much he wants to be needed. He curses himself because he knew this moment would come sooner or later, and he knew it would hurt. He never realized how much though. And the fact that Adam wasn´t honest enough to tell him hurts even more. He hears the door open, but he doesn´t turn around. “You´re hiring a babysitter. Why?”
“I´m sorry for not telling you. I… I… please don´t be upset.” Tommy doesn't miss the fact that Adam didn´t answer him. He holds Elizabeth so tightly he´s afraid he might crush her. He goes to her crib and lays her down. He tries to avoid looking at Adam, looking down on the precious girl instead, talking quietly.
“I don´t want to be, because I know I have no right to be. She´s your daughter after all.” He returns to the spot by Elizabeth´s window.
Adam gasps in surprise. Tommy sounds so defeated, his heart clenches. He takes a step closer to Tommy, wants to comfort him but Tommy senses his movement and stops him. “Please don´t…”
Adam doesn´t need Tommy to finish the sentence to understand that Tommy doesn´t want his touch. In that moment Adam understands, that he fucked up badly, because no matter what happened before, Tommy never asked him not to touch him. He's about to say something, but his phone starts to ring.
He dismisses the call quickly. “That… That was my driver. I have to go, but we can talk tomorrow. Tell me you will talk to me tomorrow. That you'll tell me what I did to hurt you so much that you can´t stand my touch. Please?”
Tommy takes a deep breath, and then another one. “Yeah, we´ll talk tomorrow. Go. Have fun.”
And it´s true because one thing is certain, they need to talk. Adam is so lost he doesn´t know how to leave. It feels like he´s leaving Tommy behind. He takes two big steps over to Elizabeth´s crib and kisses their sleeping daughter. “Good night sweetheart.”
He can see how Tommy tenses when he steps closer; he knows Tommy is watching him out of the corner of his eye, but he´s not going to cross Tommy´s boundaries.
“Goodnight,” he whispers and kisses his fingers, then softly presses them to Elizabeth´s forehead. He turns around and leaves, leaving Tommy alone.
When he´s gone Tommy goes to their bedroom and watches Adam leave, hidden in the shadows. As he´s watching him, he thinks about the next day, and the days after that. He thinks about what he's going to lose. Part of his soul with his daughter, his whole heart with Adam.
He goes back to Elizabeth´s room, gently touching her forehead, his fingers searching for the kiss Adam left there. As he touches his lips with his fingers, his heart breaks into a million pieces. He lays down on the sofa opposite Elizabeth´s crib, watching the sleeping baby, not wanting to lose a single moment. And as he watches her he slowly falls asleep with his fingers still touching his lips.
Later that evening, Adam tries to enjoy himself at the party, but he just doesn´t feel like it. Everyone, even those with familiar faces, feels distant. And he thinks it´s not because they are distant but because he is. Everyone is asking questions and he is tired of answering them again and again. The same questions from different people. Questions about his life and future. But how can he answer them when he doesn´t know the answers? That morning he had them, at least he thought he had them. Or at least he had hope. Now he isn't sure where he stands. Every unanswered question leads his mind back to Tommy, and the picture of hurt and devastation in his whole being.
All Adam can think about is what made Tommy hurt that much, why he was so devastated, and he can´t figure it out. He knows it was the babysitter but he doesn´t know why. After hours of pretending to be having a good time, hiding his true self, he decides that he's had enough. He doesn´t want to be there. He wants to be at home, with Tommy. He wants to clear everything up. He wants to be brave and finally tell Tommy the truth about his feelings, because lying only hurts.
He finds his manager and tells him he´s leaving. Dana is not happy about it, but one look at Adam´s face convinces him to accept it. When Adam gets home it´s all quiet and he wouldn´t expect it any other way after midnight. Elizabeth is due for a feeding in a couple of hours or so. Adam is sure Tommy is sleeping, trying to get some rest. He locks the door, takes off his boots and his jacket and heads up to give Elizabeth a goodnight kiss before going to bed. Will he finds Tommy in their bed? He really doesn´t know and that scares him.
When he´s nearly at Elizabeth´s room, he hears Tommy´s guitar. He smiles because he thinks Elizabeth must have woken him up earlier. He gets closer and peeks into the bedroom. Tommy is sitting on the chair next to the crib, his back to the door, quietly playing his acoustic guitar. Adam just can´t tear his eyes away from him, feeling a bit bad for spying on him like that. After another song, Elizabeth starts to cry so Tommy sets the guitar aside and takes her from her crib and goes to change her diaper, teasing her lovingly about her smelly diapers. Adam expects Tommy to lay her back in the crib so he hides in the shadows. To his surprise, Tommy doesn´t lay Elizabeth down. He turns the lights off but continues swaying her in his arms. He stands in the dark by the window, as he starts to talk to her.
Adam thinks he maybe wants to give her some fatherly advice so he stays, wanting to hear it. To his utter horror, not a single bit of life advice comes, only what Adam thinks is a sad goodbye. “Papa will have to leave soon…” he starts and Adam's heart clenches. “… I don´t want to, but there is no other way. You see, your daddy loves you more than anything, but he doesn´t love me. Not the way I love him… and it hurts more than I ever thought was possible.
“He loves me as a friend, and that should be enough, but it´s not. He doesn´t need me anymore, he doesn´t talk about “US” anymore, because there is no us, there never was. I tried to show him, you know, that I love him. That I´m worth his love. That you and he are everything to me. But he doesn´t feel it. And I understand. I´m not like the boys he meets at those parties he´s going to. I´m not out there, shiny and sparkling. I´m just me and that´s not enough.”
“I will always love you my baby girl, but I have to learn how to love you a different way, not as my daughter. I have to leave to put my heart together, so I can live in your world and not to be broken. I will stay in your life, I promise you. I will be your uncle or godfather, if your daddy will let me. I will spoil you and will be the good one when daddy is the bad one. One day he will find a man he will love and I hope I will be strong enough to be happy for them, for all of you.
“I know you don´t understand, but maybe one day you will find an old picture of me, daddy and you, and you will want an explanation. And maybe then daddy will tell you our story. A story about two best friends who decided to overcome everything so your daddy could gain the most precious gem in the world, you.
“If that day comes, I pray for you not to hate me for leaving you, for leaving you both, because I wouldn't be able to survive the feeling of you hating me. I will see you grow up, go to school and university and maybe get married. And if you see sadness in my eyes, it´ll be sadness for what I lost. Maybe you will see jealousy for every man that could call himself your papa, but there will always be love as well, love for you …”
Adam can´t listen anymore. Tommy is so heartbroken he can´t even think how that must feel. The feeling that he doesn´t need him anymore. The reality shakes him to his core. He doesn´t quite understand why, but right now, Tommy thinks he doesn´t love him or need him, and he has to make it right. He takes all the courage he has inside him and whispers, “Tommy”.
Tommy turns around in shock, his voice stuck in his throat. “How long have you been there?”
“Long enough,” Adam says gently and he can see the change in Tommy.
Panic rises on his face. “Oh my god, oh my god. You weren't supposed to hear that,” Tommy says brokenly and before can react, he sneaks around Adam, running downstairs, desperately wanting to hide. Adam calls out to him, but he´s not listening.
He heads downstairs quickly to find Tommy curled up on the couch, face hidden in his hands. When he hears footsteps he looks up at Adam, and starts to apologize. “I´m so sorry you had to hear that. You weren´t supposed to hear that. I was saying goodbye to Elizabeth, I´m sorry… I´m sorry… I´m sorry.”
Adam leans closer to wipe Tommy´s tears away, to touch him. “Don´t apologize, please don´t apologize. Explain it to me, tell me what´s wrong,” Adam pleads, but the fact that Tommy let him touch him is a good start.
“What´s wrong? Everything. I love you an… and you don´t love me and… and you don´t need me anymore. And I know I have no right, because this is not real. How could I think this was real? I´m sorry because I know you didn´t sign up for this. I know me falling for you wasn´t part of the plan, but there´s nothing I can do. I´ll leave, but pl… please promise me I can stay in her life somehow,” and as he finishes he hides his face again, not able to look at Adam.
Adam watches in horror as the love of his life breaks down in pieces, but he still doesn´t understand, not really. “What? How can you…?“ When he realizes that Tommy is not listening to him, he gently touches Tommy´s chin and forces him to look at him. “Why do you think I don´t love you or need you, how can I be hurting you so much? Talk to me, please.”
Tommy wants to look at him but he´s not strong enough so he closes his eyes. “We… we never talked about, how… how this will end and after the, you know, the only morning we… we were together, I thought It might be real. But I was a fool. You´re not …” Suddenly Tommy gets silent.
“I´m not…?” Adam asks encourages Tommy to continue, when he does, finally everything starts to make sense and Adam wants to hit himself so very badly.
“Sometime after that you… you stopped talking about us. I saw all the interviews and articles out there, and there was no “us”, just avoidance …” Tommy wipes tears from his eyes but continues. “Every time you went out… you never answered any question about our … fu … future. I tried so hard not to think about it but then yesterday, the girl came. To take what never was mine, but it hurt so much. The simple thought you wanted Elizabeth to be less dependent on me so I could leave. So you could have your life back, like it was planned…”
When Tommy finishes, tears are streaming from beneath his closed lids and Adam finally understands. It´s all one huge misunderstanding, but it´s still his fault that Tommy is hurting. He did all those things Tommy said, but for completely different reasons. And his choice not to tell him was the worst mistake of his life. He broke Tommy´s heart and now he has to put it back together.
He leans closer and takes a deep breath. “I´m so, so sorry, Tommy.”
Tommy opens his eyes surprised. “So… sorry for what?”
“For breaking your heart, I never wanted to. I swear…” And as he´s talking, he can see the sadness getting even deeper in Tommy´s eyes because, they way he sees it, everything he says, he chooses the wrong words and hurts Tommy, so he hurries to explain, mentally kicking himself.
“No, no, no. It´s not what you think! I´m sorry for breaking your heart because I love you too. I love you.” He gently strokes Tommy´s cheek.
Tommy looks at him with his eyes wide. “You… You love me? How? I don´t understand.”
Adam stretches his hand out and takes Tommy by his hand. “Then let me explain. I love you, I realize it every time I see you with Elizabeth. To be honest I think the feelings were hidden deep inside for some time. And after that morning I realized, that I had no right to be using you…” when Tommy wants to say something Adam just shushes him and continues.
“I never talked about our future because I didn´t know where I stood. I knew you offered that morning but that could have been loneliness, or being horny, or just plain pity. I tried not to let it show, but I was fighting my self-consciousness, or maybe cowardice. It´s very dangerous for me to have hope when it comes to straight, yet bendy or curious boys. I can easily get my heart broken. And then one day I came home and Elizabeth was sleeping with you in our bed. I saw pictures from her future and in every single one of them, you were there, with me. Then I decided to gather my courage, and tell you. To risk everything we had, our friendship and future as bandmates, and admit my feelings. So I told Elizabeth I will do it soon. I wanted to set things straight and instead I hurt you so badly. Can you forgive me?”
Tommy looks at Adam, completely speechless, frozen. Just seconds ago, his heart his broken and now Adam said he loved him and his heart is ready to jump out of his chest. He feels light-headed and happy.
When Adam´s “Tommy?” brings him back to reality, he realizes he´s still sitting there, not moving, not talking and that Adam is probably scared of his reaction. In the blink of an eye though, he throws himself into Adam´s arms. He doesn´t want to cry anymore but tears find a way to his eyes, but this time, they're happy tears.
He starts kissing Adam gently, nibbling at his lips, whispering, “You love me, oh my god, you love me. I can´t believe it!”
“Mmm-hmm, believe it. It´s true,” Adam says, without stopping the kisses. His whole body feels like it's on fire and the urge to take over is strong. But if there's one thing he doesn´t want right now, it´s to start something on his couch. Tommy deserves better than that, and so does Adam's back. So he shifts them slowly and then he whispers into Tommy´s ear, “Legs around my waist baby,” and he emphasizes his request with a gentle bite and an even gentler kiss to the crook of Tommy´s neck. “Now.”
Tommy wraps his legs around Adam´s body, and his arms around his neck. He kisses Adam´s chin as Adam gets up, lifting him like Tommy weight nothing
“You just gave me a hickey, right?” Adam smiles and kisses Tommy with more purpose now, slowly going from light nips to more passionate ones. “Yes. I wanna see my mark on you tomorrow.” And as he´s talking he lifts Tommy a bit so he can hold him better. Tommy moans when he feels Adam´s hands on his ass.
Adam's hands are gentle but firm, holding him as Adam starts walking. “Where are we going?” “
“Our bed,” Adam answers between kisses and Tommy can only moan in response because he likes that idea. When they get into their bedroom Adam lays him on the bed gently and covers his body with his own.
He looks directly into Tommy´s eyes. “I want to explore your body, little by little, so you can´t do anything other than feel.”
Tommy´s body is trembling with arousal and his moaning gets progressively louder. “Oh my god, the things you do to me. But stop talking, prove to me you can do everything you talked about.”
Adam all but growls when he attacks Tommy´s neck. He starts undoing buttons on Tommy´s shirt and from out of the blue his fingers become clumsy and shaking. Tommy smiles at him, pushing his hands away. Adam takes the hint and sits watching Tommy undo the buttons for him. Adam watches mesmerized. Tommy loses the shirt and he can´t wait any longer.
He bows down, his hands wandering over Tommy´s naked chest. “You are so beautiful.” He can see Tommy´s breathing getting faster and when his hand wanders further south, Tommy´s hand stops him. “Adam.”
Adam looks shocked and starts apologizing because in the haze of arousal and excitement he totally forgot how inexperienced Tommy is. “Oh my god, I´m so sorry, I was too fast, pushed too far. Sorry, baby, so…”
Tommy´s smack on his chest brings him back to reality… “You weren't pushing too hard or anything”
“Then why did you stop me?” Adam asks with confusion written all over his face as he sees the amused expression on Tommy´s face
“Listen man.”
And finally Adam focuses, and hears quiet whimpering coming from the electronic baby monitor. “Oh, oh, ohhhhh you heard her.”
Tommy nods. “I did.” Adam leaves the bed, but kisses Tommy first. “I´ll get her, you stay.”
Tommy spreads himself out on the bed, hugging Adam´s pillow “I fed her just before you came so it´s either her diaper or she's just lonely.”
Adam smiles and out of the corner of his eye notices a change in their bedroom “What is her other crib doing here?”
“I didn´t want you to be here alone, and I didn´t want her to be alone either, when I thought… you know, when I thought I wouldn't be here.”
Adam turns around, kneels on bed and kisses Tommy fast. “Thank you.”
Tommy just smiles and says “go”. After Adam leaves, Tommy´s lying on their bed, still hugging Adam´s pillow, thinking about this day. And despite of all the pain, it was a good day.
When he hears footsteps he looks up to see Adam with their daughter in his arms. She´s blinking, her eyes tired so Adam immediately turns the light down. He gets into bed and she instantly stretches her tiny hands out, demanding Tommy´s arms. Tommy takes her from Adam and holds her, swaying her, kissing her all over. “Shhh baby, it´s okay, papa is here, papa is not going anywhere.”
After a few minutes of rocking, Elizabeth falls asleep and Adam, who´s been watching them the whole time, pats the bed next to him. “Lay her down here. We´ll get her to her crib later.”
So Tommy does. He lays Elizabeth down and he lays down too, on his side, watching her and watching Adam. They can´t let their eyes slip from each other, or stop caressing their litter girl. Just above her head, he takes Tommy´s hand into his. “I love you, I´m so grateful for you both.”
Tommy smiles fondly and closes his eyes, holding Adam´s hand tightly. “I love you too, you are everything to me.”
And just like that they are lying in their bed, holding hands with their daughter sleeping peacefully between them. They fall asleep as a real couple for the first time. Their sleep won't last long because in few hours their baby will wake up and will be demanding their full attention. But neither of them mind because she´s worth all the sleepless nights. Every parent in the world has survived it, and they will too. And tomorrow will be a new day. The first day of their future together and they can hardly wait to wake up and live it.
