Fic: Elizabeth - Chapter 4 (1/2)
A few days after their “coming out” Adam and Tommy spend their days in hiding, so to speak. Adam takes a few days off from recording in the studio, and Tommy lets Mike and Ravi know he won’t be available. They spend these few days at Dominic´s place. It´s wonderful to go outside and not have to worry about being followed.
From their hiding place, Adam sends only a short statement for Rolling Stone magazine, and holds a brief Twitter party. He knows he doesn´t owe anyone an explanation (even a false one) but his fans are a different story. They’ve supported him in past no matter what, and if anyone deserves an explanation or some kind of information, he thinks, it´s them.
He first thanks his - or rather, their - fans for being supportive, and also asks them to let the two of them have some privacy. Then he tweets what everyone has wanted for a long time: “Twitter party”. He receives so many tweets it’s hard to even see them go by on his feed. They decide to ignore the really vulgar ones, and for a long time he´s answering only questions about music, movies and other hobbies.
When someone asks him if he´s in LA right then he answers truthfully - no. Right after that, the same questions start popping up again: are they together right now, do they laugh about how the fans are, etc. He can answer all of the questions truthfully too, because they´re together and laughing. One question warms his heart. A girl with a name he and Tommy aren’t even able to pronounce asks if they are happy. Adam types YES in capital letters and it´s so true, the girl has no idea, he thinks.
They talk about whether they should share some false information about their relationship as well as the more honest answers they’ve been giving, and they agree that they should. So when someone asks how long they have been dating, Adam replies “about 7 months”. Many want to know why they never said anything before now, and Adam has to laugh a bit at that. His fans are so nosy it can actually can be hard sometimes, so he writes back “Privacy, people”.
When someone asks him, “Does Tommy get to fuck you?” they both laugh and he replies “haha you’ll have to ask him”. When the same person asks Tommy, he thinks about how to reply and in the end he replies, “I don´t like rabbit food”. It´s a hint, referring to one of their old interviews where Tommy said that Adam would probably let a guy top him only if he would be willing to eat the same food as him and Tommy said at that time that he would “never ever eat that shit”, not even for a chance to top him.
They laughed it off then, but Tommy now realizes that it could have been true after all, as the healthy stuff Adam eats sometimes is really not his cup of tea. They both see that the guy who asked has no idea what Tommy is talking about, but many fans remember and explain what Tommy meant and their feeds are full of OMG´s and LOL´s and in the end, they are laughing as well.
With the time to head back drawing near, Adam and Tommy spend a lazy afternoon in bed, watching TV
“Do we really have to go back?” Tommy asks, getting even closer to Adam. They spent a beautiful few days there and he really isn´t looking forward to all the craziness and stress that awaits at home.
“Yeah we do. I have to go back to the studio and you need to go back to your project. You told me yourself you are looking forward to working with Cam, right?”
Tommy grunts but nods “I do. But it´s just so peaceful here. No stress, no management, no fans. Just us and nature.”
Adam smiles because he has to agree. “I know and I agree. We’re lucky Dominic likes us and lets us stay here. I think the invitation for my new album’s listening party for his grandchildren was worth it.”
“It definitely was. Can we stay like this for a few more minutes?” Tommy asks, not ready to let go of Adam. Adam nods, so they stay entwined together for a few more minutes before they get up. They pack their things and heads back to LA. When they get home it´s almost 8 pm.
They undress to their underwear and collapse on the bed to take a short nap when suddenly Adam´s phone starts to ring. When he looks at the screen, he covers his mouth in surprise, letting the phone fall to the bed as if his hand has been burned.
When he doesn’t pick up, Tommy raises an eyebrow. “Adam?”
Adam takes his hand away from his mouth. “It´s Sauli. It´s Sauli´s ringtone. I don´t… I don´t know what to... haven´t talked to him since… since that day.”
Tommy strokes his cheek. “Pick it up. I´ll give you some privacy.” Adam is surprised the phone is still ringing when he grabs Tommy´s hands.
“You can stay”, but Tommy smiles gently.
“I know, but at the same time, I can´t,” and with that he leaves.
Adam takes the phone with shaking hands and answers the call. “Hello.”
On the other end, Sauli doesn´t bother with “hi” or “good evening” just a direct, “Care to explain why you have supposedly been dating Tommy for seven months now?”
Adam is shocked at how harsh Sauli´s words are. “Wha…What?”
“Don´t ‘what’ me!” Sauli almost barks. “If I have the math right, we weren’t broken up seven months ago, six even. So when you were with me, talking constantly about starting a family, you were cheating on me? With HIM?” and the way Sauli says “him” sounds so hateful Adam doesn´t even recognize his Sauli in this mad and jealous man. Sure they fought, but it was never like this. “You owe me an explanation.”
“I don´t owe you anything,” Adam says sternly. He is both sad and angry at the accusations, even though he knows he´s not in the wrong. “You walked out on me, with no explanation. Left me broken in pieces.” He states and his voice almost gives up. He takes a breath and continues. “Tommy helped me, he put all the pieces back together.”
There is a short moment of silence before more accusations flow from Sauli´s mouth “I knew it. I knew that your beloved guitar player was trying to steal my place at your side, and look, it didn´t take him too long.” If Adam was trying to act decent, hearing Sauli insult Tommy like that is too much for him and he snaps.
All the hurt and betrayal finally finds its way out of his chest. “How dare you! You have no right to judge me or him. He´s helping me, he loves me. He´s my best friend, the partner you were supposed to be! He would never be here if you were still here. If he´s taken your place, it´s your own fault,” and he sighs loudly because suddenly he feels very tired. “If it upsets you so much, why did you leave? You had my heart, my whole heart. We were happy; at least I thought we were.”
Sauli laughs, almost ominously. “You can´t believe that. You were blind. You didn´t see anything other than the child. It was all you talked about. To me and to our friends. It was like nothing else existed!”
Adam turns around and looks out of his bedroom window, the same window they used to look out of together. “It´s not true. I saw you, if that's what you're suggesting, and why shouldn´t I be happy? We were expecting our baby, we agreed on that adoption together.” Another laugh follows, and Adam isn't sure if he has willpower to continue.
When was it that Sauli became so embittered? He doesn´t know. “No. You decided and I couldn´t do or say anything to stop you. And I never really wanted a child.” Sauli´s last sentence shocks him to the core. He closes his eyes and asks what he knows he needs to know, to get some closure.
But he´s so afraid, he has to take a few deep breaths before he finds the courage. “Then why did you agree?”
“Because I thought I could talk you out of it. That somewhere down the road you would change your mind and it would be just the two of us again.” Adam was expecting many things, but nothing like this. His knees buckle and he collapses to the floor, a single tear running down his cheek.
The heartbreak he felt is now multiplied by millions. “You thought …… you thought I would change my mind? After… you saw how much I loved her? Even when she wasn´t born? How… how could you?” He drops the phone, just staring at it, as if holding it might hurt him more.
“Adam.” He hears Sauli´s voice, once so dear to him, coming from the speaker. And no matter how hard Adam tries to remain stoic, tears fill his eyes and his voice. And maybe for the first time Sauli realizes that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong; maybe he went too far, but it´s too late now, too late to change anything.
Adam can hear Sauli calling his name so he picks up the phone. “You don´t know me. You never did. Goodbye.”
The second he hangs up, he starts to shake, with sobs. He rests his back against the window and pulls his legs up to his chest, holding them to comfort himself as the betrayal and sorrow keep filling his eyes with tears. The cruel truth hit him like a hurricane. Adam has no idea how long he sits there, before he hears a gentle knock on the door, followed by Tommy walking in to their bedroom.
When he looks up at Tommy, his eyes red and puffy, his eyeliner smudged, it takes Tommy only a second to be at his side, a horrified look on his face. When he sits down next to him, Adam acts on instinct, throwing himself into Tommy´s arms. ”What in the hell did he say to you?” Tommy asks, sounding pissed off.
Adam buries his face in Tommy´s chest “The tru… truth.”
“What truth?” Tommy can feel Adam shaking his head, like he doesn´t want to talk about it, but Tommy presses on. He feels that Adam needs to talk about it, so he can finally deal with it once and for all. “Adam. What truth?”
Adam shifts in his arms slightly, and when he talks his voice sounds tired. “The truth about why he left me. We argued, he accused me of cheating on him with you, of being blind to anything other than the baby. He… he told me he never really wanted to adopt, that he thought he could talk me out of it, that I would change my mind.”
Tommy feels Adam tremble in his arms. “I´m gonna kill him. I swear, if I´ll see him again, I´m gonna kill him!” Tommy rages, but keeps holding Adam tight.
Adam wipes his face with his palms, looking at Tommy. “Is it true? Was I like he said? Blind to everything else but her?”
Tommy looks horrified that Adam is even thinking like that. “No. You weren´t. Sure, you were excited and you still are, but I understand that. You always paid attention to me and your friends. He has no right to say what he did, It´s not true.”
Adam nods and gets quiet, lost in his own head.
After a short time spent in silence, Tommy moves to get up and urges Adam to do the same. “Come on. Get up. Forget about him, I´ll be right back. Why don't you pick a movie?”
When he´s leaving Adam asks softly, and a bit teasingly, “What if I pick Bridesmaids?”
Tommy doesn't look back; he just laughs. “Then we'll watch Bridesmaids,” and with that he´s gone. Adam goes through his movies and when he finds the right one he puts in into the DVD player and lies down, waiting for Tommy.
When he hears footsteps he looks toward the door but sees nothing. Instead of Tommy walking in he hears Tommy´s voice “Close or cover your eyes. Don´t cheat!” Adam rests his head on the pillows and closes his eyes, wondering what it´s all about.
Tommy peeks into their bedroom, checking to see if Adam did as he was told. When he sees Adam laying comfortably with his eyes closed, he walks in. Adam feels the bed dip under Tommy’s weight. “So what did you choose?”
Adam turns his head toward him without opening his eyes. “Velvet Goldmine. Admit it, you were afraid I would pick Bridesmaids” Tommy smiles to himself
“I was, a bit. Are you comfortable?” he asks and when Adam nods, he starts the movie. He picks the spoon filled with Adam´s favorite ice cream and holds it close to Adam´s mouth.
“You can open now.”
Adam does just that, and he notices the ice cream immediately. He´s surprised, even though he probably shouldn´t be.
“Is that…?”
Tommy nods, even if Adam can’t see him. “Yep, mint-chocolate chip, and I don´t want to hear any arguments. Now eat it,” Tommy orders. Adam licks the ice cream from the spoon and groans. No matter how unhealthy it is, it tastes like heaven and soon another spoon is offered to him. He wants to say something but it only makes Tommy miss his mouth and most of the ice cream ends up on his chest. Tommy smirks and licks it up teasingly.
Adam giggles because it tickles, and it’s also slightly arousing, but he doesn´t want to think about it and ruin the moment so he pushes the thought away and takes another spoon, fills it with ice cream, and feeds Tommy in return. Soon they are eating ice cream, watching the movie, and his sadness disappears.
Tommy has a really hot dream about Adam touching him everywhere and passionately kissing his neck, until he opens his eyes and the realization hits him hard. It wasn’t him having the vivid dream, it´s Adam. He´s moaning loudly, still kissing Tommy´s neck. As much as Tommy wants it to be real, he knows it isn´t. Adam´s touches don´t belong to him. He has to get himself under control, because no matter what, it´s really erotic and he´s getting aroused with every moan that leaves Adam´s lips.
He rolls over in Adam´s arms, shaking Adam awake. “Adam! Adam, wake up.” Adam opens his eyes and it takes him a few seconds to realize what has just happened. He can see the pink blush on Tommy´s cheeks and the marks on his neck and, most telling of all, he can feel his arousal.
He literally flies to the edge of their bed, taking the covers with him. His hands are shaking as much as his voice is. Tommy can see the utter horror showing on his face as he starts to apologize, tears of shame running down his cheeks. “Oh my God… I´m so sorry… so sorry. Please forgive me… don´t hate me. Please… please… please. I didn´t mean to… I just… I don´t know…You can move to another bedroom if you want… if you´re… I didn´t want to molest you…. I´m sorry.”
Tommy tries to stop him, but Adam is not listening to him. He´s just repeating apologies over and over again. When Tommy sees nothing is working he scoots closer to Adam, firmly holding Adam´s face in his hands, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Stop it, Adam. Stop.” He sees Adam´s face mirroring fear and shame and it´s hurting him. “Stop Adam, you´re hurting me. You didn´t molest me! Don´t act like you’re some kind of monster. Are you with me? Do you understand?”
Adam sobs but nods. Tommy sweeps the hair from Adam´s face and caresses his cheek and hands, soothing Adam´s hurting soul. Adam is calming down slowly, trying to apologize again but Tommy stops him once more. “Don´t apologize. There´s no need to. You can maybe try to explain what caused it. We´ve been sleeping together for a while now. What changed?”
Adam shakes his head. “I don´t know. I swear I don´t know. Yesterday was just another day and then…”
Tommy finally realizes what it´s all about. What he thinks Adam is missing. “…then he called.”
Adam nods again, not really able to look at Tommy. Tommy feels his heart clench. No matter what Sauli has done, Adam still misses him. “You miss him don´t you? After all this time, you still miss him.”
Adam can´t miss the sad tone in Tommy´s voice. He doesn´t like it so he tries to explain. “No, I don´t miss him. How could I after all he did?”
Tommy looks up, surprised. “I thought… I don´t understand.”
“I don´t miss him. I miss what he represents. Or what he did all those months ago. The feeling of having a lover close . You breathe his scent and it´s so familiar. The reality that you can touch and be touched back. Kisses and touches that sometimes lead to more and sometimes they fade away in the lazy morning. It´s freedom and I miss it. Not to have to keep my guard up, myself you know? I love what we have, I do. But it´s not the same. All the feelings are different.”
Tommy listens with surprise to Adam´s confession. He never realized that sleeping with another man, or rather, next to another man, could be so really painful. Adam blushes slightly as he continues. I “t´s been a while you know, and I lost control …”
Tommy realizes how ashamed Adam feels, but he also knows that he can be there for him. Even on their borrowed time. He knows Adam doesn´t love him, but he can still be there for him.
He brings Adam closer to him, lying down next to him, whispering gently, “It´s okay. Don´t be afraid. I´m here for you. You can rely on me, always.”
And as he´s quietly talking to Adam, his hands start wandering, mapping Adam´s bare chest. He buries his face in the crook of Adam´s neck as his fingers start teasing Adam´s nipples. He plants gently kisses on Adam´s neck, kissing his way along to Adam´s jaw, and finally he covers Adams lips with his own.
He can feel Adam´s breathing getting faster and he feels himself getting aroused very quickly. Adam doesn´t stop Tommy´s hand or the kissing, and when Tommy licks his lower lip, begging for entrance with a gentle nibbling, he opens his mouth and grants Tommy entrance. Their tongues dancing together, exploring. Adam moans in pleasure and Tommy suddenly craves more.
His hand travelling lower and lower until he reaches Adam´s pelvis, and softly he touches Adam´s hard dick. That wakes Adam up. He´s shocked and his hand stops Tommy´s immediately. He´s breathing heavily pressing his face against Tommy´s chest. “You don´t have to do this. I didn´t say those things to make you feel guilty.”
Tommy has to use all his willpower not to cry. Adam thinks he´s feeling guilty. His whole body hurts but it´s not from feeling guilty, it´s from wanting Adam that badly. He closes his eyes and whispers back, starting to kiss Adam again, starts to touch him again. “I want to do it. I want to be here for you. Please let me. I want… please”
Adam knows he shouldn´t allow it, because they´re not lovers and Tommy doesn´t love him, but he wants him so badly it hurts. He fights his hunger and the fire Tommy started inside his body, but when Tommy starts to touch him again and pleads with him to let him pleasure him, he knows he can´t win this battle. And no matter what happens later, he gives in. His hand that is clutching Tommy disappears and he kisses Tommy hard and with all the passion he feels.
Tommy´s hand slips under Adam's boxers and the simple touch of Tommy´s hands make him feel absolute ecstasy. He wanted this, wanted Tommy for so long that it takes only just a few firm strokes and he´s coming, moaning Tommy´s name.
Tommy have never seen anything so erotic and arousing in his life. The feeling of Adam´s hot kisses and his thick cock pulsating in his hand, mixed with his own feelings and need, makes his body tremble in ecstasy. The sight of Adam´s face lost in pleasure when he´s coming and the feeling of Adam´s come covering his hand, makes Tommy come, untouched. He would never believe it was possible. He can´t stop moaning and when Adam asks hesitantly if he can reciprocate, he blushes crimson because that it´s not really necessary. Adam doesn´t say anything, just holds him in his arms.
Reluctantly, after a few minutes of calming down, they have to get up and face the world as they have busy schedules. And even though they are trying, Tommy can´t help but feel a little awkward. When he´s leaving, he kisses Adam reminding him he will return later that night because they´re going out with Mike and some other friends. He hopes he just imagined that Adam was a bit tense.
Adam is left alone in their living room. He thinks about what happened and why he let it happen. He knows Tommy likes him, and has always been a little “bendy”. They even spent almost six months eating each other´s faces off but it never crossed that line, now Adam feels like he may have crossed it. He is ashamed of himself, because he let his own personal feelings cloud his judgement. He doesn't know how he´s going to face Tommy this evening.
His whole day is filled with worries. He can´t really concentrate on his work. He spends the whole day apologizing for his restlessness. When he gets home his nervousness grows and he decides to do the one thing he never thought he would do. He´s going to run from this battle. He goes to bed and when he hears Tommy come home, he pretends to be asleep. He can hear Tommy take a shower and get under the covers. Because he´s not facing him, they can´t sleep in each other´s arms and he´s really missing that, but he needs time. He feels Tommy stroke his hair lightly and feels light kiss on his forehead with a quiet “Good night baby” whispered in the dark room.
When Tommy comes home, he´s really surprised that Adam is already asleep, but he thinks he was probably too tired. He takes a shower and wishes Adam goodnight. The next morning though, when he wakes up, Adam is already gone. There is a message on Adam´s pillow that states “Didn´t want to wake you. Had to leave early. See you later. Adam.”
Tommy doesn´t even know how bad Adam felt when he literally sneaked out of their bedroom. He doesn´t really think much of it, but when he comes home that night and it´s just after midnight, he finds Adam asleep again. Warning bells go off in his head. He tells himself that he´s going to wait one more day and will see what happens.
As he thought, the next morning Adam is already gone when he gets up, and Tommy has to put up with the fact that Adam is avoiding him. He decides to confront Adam that evening. They can´t continue like this and if Adam wants to say anything to him, he will have to do it face to face.
As he was expecting, when he gets to their bedroom, Adam is asleep. Tommy had enough so he stands next to their bed on Adam´s side, his hands resting on his hips “Adam,!” he says. Not quiet but not loud either. “Adam, wake up.!”
Adam is not really asleep and now he´s getting ready to face an upset Tommy. He should have known better than to avoid Tommy, should have realize Tommy was going to figure it out. He opens his eyes slowly. “Tommy?”
But Tommy´s not buying it at all. “Don´t ''Tommy me. Tell me, why are you avoiding me?!”
Adam tries one last time “I´m not…”
But Tommy doesn´t let him finish. “That´s bullshit and you know it. You are avoiding me and I want to know why.”
Tommy knows why; he figured that Adam is doing it because of what happened that morning and now he doesn´t know a way out of this mess. “I know it´s because of what I did that morning Adam. If you´re trying to find a way how to tell me I crossed the line, just tell me.”
To his surprise Adam can see the change in Tommy´s mood. From being upset to feeling sad. Tommy gets on the bed and sits on his side. “Tell me I went too far, that I crossed the line. Tell me to back off. But don´t ignore me, please.”
Adam pulls Tommy into his arms, rocking them both. “Oh God, I´m so sorry. It´s not you. It never was about you. It´s all about me. I avoided you because I feel ashamed.”
Tommy looks up in surprise. “Why would you feel ashamed? I don´t understand?”
Adam starts blushing but continues anyway. “Because I feel like I used you. I know you´re open minded but I took advantage of that the other morning…”
“Adam I… I´m…” Tommy tries to find the courage to tell Adam that he didn´t take advantage of him but his voice is breaking and before he can find it again, Adam breaks in.
“No don´t talk, just listen to me please. I know I fucked up and I´ m sorry. It will never happen again. Just tell me we can go back. I don´t want to lose what we had. I don´t want to lose you.” Adam´s voice is a mere whisper and Tommy can see tears in Adam´s eyes.
As much as it´s hurting him, Tommy nods, because he can´t do anything else. “It´s okay baby. It´s okay. Nothing has changed. We are still 'us'.”
Adam seems to calm down. Tommy only leaves Adam´s arms to take a quick shower and soon he´s back. He lays on his back while Adam is next to him, switching the light off. Before Adam can spoon him he asks, feeling his face heat up, grateful for the dark so Adam can´t see him blushing. ”Can you…” Tommy´s voice fails again and he has to muster up his courage, because while Adam may only see him as a friend, he can steal a kiss. “Can you kiss me goodnight?”
Adam was so scared he messed everything up. That his own feelings might destroy what they have. He still was a bit unsure when Tommy was taking his shower, but when Tommy asks him to kiss him good night, he knew that they will be okay. That his selfish act didn´t destroy their relationship. He leans close to Tommy and kisses him softly.
When Adam´s lips touch his, he can feel the happiness inside his heart. Their lips fit so perfectly it hurts. Tommy knows it´s not going to last but right now, he couldn't care less. He tries to keep his passion under control and it takes everything in him not to beg for entrance with his own tongue. After a few short seconds Adam´s lips leave his own and his head is spinning, but he´s happy now. For how long, he doesn´t know.
Tommy grunts because Adam´s phone is ringing and Adam is sleeping like a baby under him. He looks at his sleeping face and shakes him awake. “Dude, wake up.”
Adam is adorably drowsy. “What´s going on?”
Tommy just rolls on his other side to continue sleeping. “Your phone´s ringing.”
Adam turns around and picks up his phone, his tone still sleepy. “Hello?”
“Hello Adam, it´s Jane.” The voice at the other end says.
“Hello Jane, what´s going on? It´s ……ummm seven o´clock,” Adam says confused. When Tommy hears it´s Jane, all thoughts about sleeping are forgotten. He sits up and rests his head on the headboard of their bed.
Adam is suddenly awake with the news Jane has for him. “I´m really sorry to bother you so early, but I have bad news”
Adam´s heart stops for a second. “Bad news?” Tommy jerks his head in Adam´s direction but Jane continues.
“Yes Adam. Amy passed away last night. I need you to come here and pick Elizabeth up. The judge will be here too and you will sign the papers in front of her.”
When Adam doesn't respond she calls his name a few times. Adam snaps out of his shocked state and apologizes. “I´m really sorry. How… how did it happen? I mean… she should have had at least a few more months?” He starts to shake and Tommy rushes to hold him.
Jane senses Adam´s discomfort as well, so she tries to answer his questions. “We know, but apparently her heart was weaker than the doctors thought and it failed tonight. Adam, I need you to tell me if you will be able to pick up Elizabeth this afternoon. The judge will be here around five 5. Can you make it?”
Adam tries to suppress a sob and answers, holding Tommy´s hand tight. “Yes. Yes we will make it. I… we just need to cancel everything and get everything ready here, but we will be there,” and with that Adam hangs up, just staring into space.
Tommy shakes Adam a few times and when Adam looks at him, Tommy can see tears rolling down his face. “What happened? Adam?”
Adam wipes his tears, explaining. “Amy died last night. I… we have to go and pick Elizabeth up.” Tommy just holds him tight, whispering that everything will be alright.
Eventually they both get up and Adam calls his manager to cancel their day in the studio; he´s not very happy to lose out like that, but Adam isn´t really in the mood for a discussion. Adam isn´t the kind of person to yell at people but right now, Tommy is not surprised that Adam lashed out at him. “We´re not going to argue about this! I´m not coming today. The mother of my daughter died last night, so I have other things, a million different things to arrange. Almost all of them are not pleasant. You are my manager, so deal with it. ”
After Adam hangs up on Dana, everything happens in a blur. They get dressed and head out to buy baby food and fresh fruits and veggies, and everything else they need. For once Adam is glad that no paparazzi are following them because he´s not in mood for them; neither of them are. They both get dressed and with the baby seat securely in place they head for the hospice to pick Elizabeth up.
When they get there, everyone is smiling at them in greeting, but all of the smiles are sad as well because it´s a sad day for everyone. When they reach Amy´s suite, Adam hears Elizabeth right away. Her sobbing is tearing at his heart. They go inside and are welcomed by Jane and a lady that they think must be the judge.
Adam and Tommy shake hands with Jane, who’s swaying Elizabeth in her arms, but the baby´s not calming down. “Adam, Tommy. I´m glad you came. This is Judge Thompson,” Jane says. She hands a still sobbing Elizabeth to Adam and he starts swaying and soothing her immediately.
Her little eyes are red from crying and she really looks tired. “Shhh, shhh baby. Daddy is here. Everything is going to be okay.”
Judge Thompson greets them all and asks for Adam´s attention. Adam asks Tommy to take Elizabeth so he can focus on the Judge and the paperwork that remains/ “I´ll take her, no worries, baby/” Tommy just smiles sadly. He takes a crying Elizabeth and leaves the room. He goes out into the hall, pacing with Elizabeth in his arms, trying to calm her down. He´s caressing her all over and he´s whispering soothing words and soon Elizabeth closes her little tired eyes and falls asleep. Tommy doesn´t know if it´s because of his soothing words and swaying, or just because she´s simply exhausted. But he´s happy she´s resting anyway.
When he gets back, Adam is ready to sign the papers after talking with the judge. He signals for them to be quiet and Adam hurries to hug them, whispering, “You managed to calm her down.”
Tommy snickers quietly and very gently touches her cheek. “Of course I did. Never doubt my swaying skills,” he teases.
Adam smiles fondly but remembers the task at hand. With one long deep breath, he signs the papers and like that, Elizabeth is his, once and for all. The judge shakes hands with everyone and takes her leave.
Adam asks Jane if she can arrange an immediate meeting with the manager of the clinic, and when the older woman comes to Amy´s room, Adam and Tommy are both there to greet her. Adam thanks her for taking care of Amy, for making her last days as easy and comfortable as possible. She might be surprised by the financial gift Adam arranged for her clinic, but she is not surprised by Adam taking responsibility for Amy´s funeral costs.
When they say their goodbyes and are on their way to the car, Jane stops Adam and hugs him. “I´m really happy you got past all your fears. You make a beautiful family.” Adam thanks her because he´s happy too. He can see Tommy with Elizabeth in his arms, still rocking her gently, and he realizes that he would trade everything he has for this to be real. He returns to reality quickly, and after a few more polite words with Jane they both leave with a sleeping Elizabeth. Tommy fastens her carefully into her car seat and Adam sits next to her while Tommy drives them home.
Elizabeth is so exhausted she only wakes up once when they get home. She doesn´t even have enough energy to scream, she just cries quietly. Adam changes her diaper and quietly sings for her until she falls asleep again.
Tommy doesn´t even try to start a conversation with Adam. The second Adam enters their bedroom, Tommy opens his arms wide and Adam falls into his embrace. Tommy holds Adam, and all of the mixed emotions come out in tears. Tommy knows how hard it is because Adam´s dream just came true, but Elizabeth paid the ultimate price. He knows that right now, Adam can´t be happy, because he became friends with Amy. He will be happy, eventually. Tommy knows he will be, but right now, he lets Adam mourn.
When Adam falls asleep, Tommy leaves their bedroom quietly just for a little while. He takes the photo album with all the pictures Adam has. He takes one of the pictures of Amy and puts it into a simple cream-colored frame next to Elizabeth’s crib. Adam put the frame there because they promised Amy and he would keep her memory alive. After that he goes back and lays down. He isn’t tired and he can´t sleep, but he wants to hold Adam, just to be there for him in his sleep. The moment he lays down Adam snuggles closer. Tommy strokes his hair gently, snuggling even closer. He wills himself to rest because he knows the next weeks will be hard.
The next few days are filled with preparations for Amy´s funeral. They are both getting used to the fact that Elizabeth is there with them 24/7. They realize, through all the sad duties that being a father is amazingly tiring. The day of the funeral, they get up and get dressed. They both have huge dark circles under their eyes, but every time they look at Elizabeth, it makes it all worthwhile. Elizabeth is dressed in black as well - a small dress. She seems more content than she was a few days earlier, and she even smiles at them now. The ride to the cemetery is quiet, and not seeing any paparazzi makes Adam somewhat happy on this sad day. They are not surprised to see many employees visiting Amy at her wake .
Every one of them shares stories from Amy´s life at the hospice. They speak of her love for her daughter and her golden heart. Adam only takes the spotlight for a few short moments. He is not able to hold back his tears but he´s strong enough to thank everyone again for taking such good care of her when she needed it, and to promise Amy again that she will never be forgotten. That her daughter will know her. On their way home Adam is so exhausted, he falls asleep in the car sitting next to Elizabeth.
Tommy knows Adam is tired because he organized the funeral, and they´re taking care of Elizabeth. And as if that wasn’t enough Adam´s manager is pushing Adam to start promoting his new album. He knows Adam doesn´t mind doing those things, but understandably he´s not in the mood for it right now.
What worries Tommy most of all is the fact that they never really talked about how things are going to end. He knows the time is coming and there´s nothing he fears more than it being over - that moment when Adam tells him he´s not needed anymore. Tommy watches Adam sleeping when he turns off the engine in the driveway. He prays to every God out there that he doesn´t believe in; prays for more time, for a miracle. He prays to be strong enough to leave Adam´s life with his head held high.
When he pulls himself together he goes around to the other side of the car and shakes Adam slightly to wake him up. “Wake up baby. We´re home.”
Adam´s eyes fly open. “I fell asleep?”
Tommy just smiles gently. “Yeah, you did. Come on. Get upstairs and rest. I’ll take care of Elizabeth.”
Adam tries to protest, but he´s so tired his arguments are dismissed. When he´s showered and under the covers, Tommy brings Elizabeth to Adam´s bed and lowers her down carefully. “Now say goodnight to your daughter.”
Adam smiles but kisses Elizabeth´s cheek and wishes her goodnight. When Tommy leaves, Adam grabs Tommy´s free hand to stop him. “Thank you.”
Tommy bows down and kisses him lightly. “You´re welcome. Now rest.” Adam closes his eyes and he´s asleep before Tommy can close the door behind him.
After that day, everything kind of falls into place. They learn how to schedule everything so they can take care of Elizabeth. Adam knows very well that it´s mostly Tommy who stays at home taking care of her. Tommy doesn´t mind because he knows Adam needs to promote his new album. It secures work for them both, anyway. But Adam can be strict. He decides which days he will and will not work so Tommy can have free days too, even though Tommy protests, saying he doesn´t need them.
Shortly after Adam promises to attend a charity event, Elizabeth gets a slight fever and nothing can calm her down. Tommy calls his mom and after she comes over and checks on her, she´s almost sure Elizabeth´s teeth are coming in. She suggests giving her some teething toys that can be put into the fridge or freezer, to calm her down a bit.
Tommy calls Adam to buy what they need on his way home and when Adam comes home, he´s on the verge of freaking out. Tommy think it´s funny because now he has both Elizabeth and her daddy to calm down. He goes and puts the toy in the fridge and then sits next to Adam. He´s trying to calm him down by assuring him that Elizabeth is not in danger and that the pain will go away eventually, only to be surprised by the fact that Adam is not worried about Elizabeth.
“I know she’ll be fine with you. I would never doubt that.” Adam says shocked by the possibility Tommy could think he´s worried about that.
“Then why are you looking so miserable?”
“Because I feel guilty!”
“Guilty? Why guilty?” Tommy asks because he wasn´t expecting that.
“Because I´m leaving you to go to some party and you’re here alone, not getting any sleep!”
Tommy leans closer, holding Adam´s hand in his.
“I don´t mind, Adam. I told you. I´m more used to sleepless nights. You are the one that needs to be well-rested. I can sleep when Elizabeth does.”
“I know you said that. But what am I going to do when… when you´re not…” he can´t finish his question because Tommy silences him by covering his lips with his own in a short, sweet kiss.
Tommy knows what Adam is implying but it hurts to hear it, to even think about it, so he kisses him to stop him from completing the sentence. “It´ll be okay. We will make it work somehow. Now go and get ready. You have to have fun tonight.”
Adam gets up and, lost in his thoughts, he goes upstairs to get ready. Tommy takes Elizabeth to the changing room they had converted from the former storage room and changes her diaper. He then takes the now-cool toy from the fridge and gives it to her. Elizabeth starts to chew on it right away and apparently his mom was right. She doesn´t stop crying but she calms down a bit. Tommy sways back and forth while holding her and looks out the window. He thinks about his life and can´t forget what Adam said. And as he´s looking outside his mind keeps repeating one sentence: “Not yet; please not yet.”
When he hears his name he turns around to see Adam, all ready to be on his way. He looks breathtaking in his suit with just a little makeup. His eyes stand out with the eyeliner and other eye makeup. Adam closes the distance between them and kisses his daughter goodbye. “She calmed down a bit. Try to get some rest. Pease.”
