IMPORTANT entry.
So I came to the self realization last night that I am addicted to service--not just the kind APO does, but also the whole being a nice guy type.. and that I need to quit some of it. I realized this as I chose to skip class and the homework so easily to type minutes for APO meetings, when part of me told myself that I really needed to go. Which is true, as I missed a quiz and I knew I was going to. This isn't the first time its happened either.
I'm perhaps the most giving, caring guy you will ever meet. I'm not trying to make myself sound like something I am not, either. I go so far out of my way to help someone else that I don't make room for helping myself into the equation. I give carelessly, which while I know is part of the Oath of Loyalty and Service for APO, but it is flawed when it comes to people like me. I feel as though if I am active one more semester my grades will suffer so much that I will be ineligible by default--yes, it is that bad. I've looked at my history and have figured that I can do two of the three following things: Work, School, APO. In Fall 04 and Spring 05 I had work and quite a bit of it, and was still able to do quite well. In Fall 05 I pledged and worked alot and school went to shit, same thing happened in Spring 06. This fall, I cut my work hours down because excess aid I was refunded and was able to do APO and schoolwork okay, until now, when my money is dwindling because I tried to use it all to pay debts and i'm feeling the crunch yet again.
2.94 -- Fall 03 - no work, no APO, 15 credit hours
2.61 -- Spring 04 -no work, no APO, but 21 credit hours
3.02 -- Fall 04 -- work 20 hours/week, no APO, 15 credit hours
3.10 -- Spring 05 -- work 20 hours/week, no APO, 18 credit hours
0.43 -- Fall 05 -- work 20 hours/week, pledging APO, 16 credit hours
1.54 -- Spring 06 --work 20 hours/week, APO active, 15 credit hours
3.00 -- Fall 06 -- work 11 hours/week, APO Active, 13 credit hours
Anyone else see the correlation? I've lied to myself saying trying to blame that 0.43 on many other things, but I know better deep inside. I attribute it not to APO and how many requirements they have, but my inability to say no to someone, and to make their life as easy as possible while slaving away at mine. Thinking about it, just today I can point out several examples: Even though I am unable to go to the party tonight, I lent out my speakers and still bought the Rum I had signed up to bring to the potluck-esque liquor party, even though if I dont go, it kind of negates the concept. At work, I volunteered to stay beyond my normal time to help clean up the East Stadium store, because for some insane reason I actually give a damn if my boss meets his deadlines. That is just today, after i've realized this.
I can't say no to someone, I just can't--whether it be Skye asking for a favor or taking someone's DD shift or donating 5 dollars out of my paycheck every month to the United Way even though I really can't afford it, dropping 30 dollars on drinks for 3 people on Monday night even though I most definately can't afford that, or to stupid boys asking to go to the beach. I figure that Barry, despite all his flaws, figured out this secret of mine and used it to its full advantage. He knew I couldn't say no to him if I was capable at all of doing whatever he needed, because I seem to derive that much happiness by putting a smile on someones face. Thus, the result of me spending over $1300 on my credit card over the summer--something I am still paying off TODAY. Sure, he is a complete tool for waving his cute little ass in my face using a combination of what I described above and sex to lure me into doing shit for him--things like buying him random shit, taking him over his girlfriends house (which I finally understand why I did it), taking him to random parties--which resulted in me getting criminally investigated by a detective for the State of Ohio because he fucked a 12 year old while we were at one and apparently used my camera to record the whole thing. I guess i'm even a bigger tool for going along with it.
Still, that was all summer 2005, was what I blamed my massive failure in terms of grades on in Fall 2005. After not doing much better in Spring 2006. I committed this semester to put an end to the partying, only in extreme circumstances--which to those who know me, know that I don't party at all really, but I told myself if I can allocate only two parties through the year that I would be fine and all my problems would go away--missed out on Fishbowls, Halloween Party, and tonights Masquerade (which i've been dreaming of ever since seeing Phantom of the Opera). I made it to the YD first party of the year, and I intend on making up for Halloween by going to next Wednesday's YD Party dressed as a sorostitute. My mom would have me believe that the alcohol is the source of all of my problems, but my experience with it this semester and all but quitting for most of it, proves otherwise.
Hence, i've figured out that i'm just too passive--I actually give a rats ass enough about my job, my friends, my organizations, my roommates, my family, but not about myself and trying to improve that. I always find something to do for someone else instead of studying, I find myself out at MSD or whatever thinking to myself, "this kind of counts as working out", which it doesn't, and i'm still fat as I always was since i've actually become social. It's probably the reason no one wants to date me, because im too much of a pansy ass to actually not care about something external to myself.
Tomorrow, I have an opportunity to go to Roanoke and get laid, some of the best sex i've ever had is in that town--instead I am going to Terryn's birthday party. Because what the hell, seeing a smile on her face as she is surrounded by friends is better than the O faces that would otherwise be made. But that is okay, that is a trade off i'm willing to accept. I love Terryn and Eileen, and they are insanely awesome,and I will continue to do that. I also love to help with Skye's little tasks like feeding her fish and such, because she is awesome, and I will continue to do that. I love to clean up around the apartment and take the rent to Foxridge and pay bills, because seriously, who else is going to do it? I've tried to be a good friend and excellent roommate to Meghan, but it isn't the same as it was last year--whenever I try to say something nice, she gives me a nasty ass look and basically turns into a total bitch before resigning to her room--the old me would care and would buy her chocolate or something, but I can't do that forever.
Basically I just need to figure out where to draw the line on how much I do for others, and figure out the "something" that is impacting my grades. The two things out of three still applies and if I intend on actually paying rent in the Spring, and therefore being a good roommate, I have to work. So, hence, I am going inactive next semester for APO. I fear that if I just went associate I'd do just as much because of the exposure to it--because I sure didnt stop at 45 hours this semester. I still intend on helping out at some service projects, such as SHARE, but the rest of it, the meetings (which coincidentally conflict with another meeting ive been wanting to go to for some time to actually figure out my bi-gay-straight conflict since 2005--the LGB support group), the midquarters, the initiations, the final vote ins, the pledge meetings, the CPPC's, the simple fact that I cant say no to not going to one of those things when I reallly cant make it because of schoolwork is why I can't do it in the first place.
So basically, im deciding to quit all together instead of working out something in my head to actually becoming assertive--I dont want to become an asshole, but instead want to reach a balance of sorts, where I can focus on these things independently and equally. I need coaching or something to actually learn how to say no, and when I should say it. I feel like this is my alcohol, my curse, and while it makes me a better person for it, I am rotting inside.
I need some comments, as this is something I've been struggling with since Fall 2005, please help me, I finally need it.
I'm perhaps the most giving, caring guy you will ever meet. I'm not trying to make myself sound like something I am not, either. I go so far out of my way to help someone else that I don't make room for helping myself into the equation. I give carelessly, which while I know is part of the Oath of Loyalty and Service for APO, but it is flawed when it comes to people like me. I feel as though if I am active one more semester my grades will suffer so much that I will be ineligible by default--yes, it is that bad. I've looked at my history and have figured that I can do two of the three following things: Work, School, APO. In Fall 04 and Spring 05 I had work and quite a bit of it, and was still able to do quite well. In Fall 05 I pledged and worked alot and school went to shit, same thing happened in Spring 06. This fall, I cut my work hours down because excess aid I was refunded and was able to do APO and schoolwork okay, until now, when my money is dwindling because I tried to use it all to pay debts and i'm feeling the crunch yet again.
2.94 -- Fall 03 - no work, no APO, 15 credit hours
2.61 -- Spring 04 -no work, no APO, but 21 credit hours
3.02 -- Fall 04 -- work 20 hours/week, no APO, 15 credit hours
3.10 -- Spring 05 -- work 20 hours/week, no APO, 18 credit hours
0.43 -- Fall 05 -- work 20 hours/week, pledging APO, 16 credit hours
1.54 -- Spring 06 --work 20 hours/week, APO active, 15 credit hours
3.00 -- Fall 06 -- work 11 hours/week, APO Active, 13 credit hours
Anyone else see the correlation? I've lied to myself saying trying to blame that 0.43 on many other things, but I know better deep inside. I attribute it not to APO and how many requirements they have, but my inability to say no to someone, and to make their life as easy as possible while slaving away at mine. Thinking about it, just today I can point out several examples: Even though I am unable to go to the party tonight, I lent out my speakers and still bought the Rum I had signed up to bring to the potluck-esque liquor party, even though if I dont go, it kind of negates the concept. At work, I volunteered to stay beyond my normal time to help clean up the East Stadium store, because for some insane reason I actually give a damn if my boss meets his deadlines. That is just today, after i've realized this.
I can't say no to someone, I just can't--whether it be Skye asking for a favor or taking someone's DD shift or donating 5 dollars out of my paycheck every month to the United Way even though I really can't afford it, dropping 30 dollars on drinks for 3 people on Monday night even though I most definately can't afford that, or to stupid boys asking to go to the beach. I figure that Barry, despite all his flaws, figured out this secret of mine and used it to its full advantage. He knew I couldn't say no to him if I was capable at all of doing whatever he needed, because I seem to derive that much happiness by putting a smile on someones face. Thus, the result of me spending over $1300 on my credit card over the summer--something I am still paying off TODAY. Sure, he is a complete tool for waving his cute little ass in my face using a combination of what I described above and sex to lure me into doing shit for him--things like buying him random shit, taking him over his girlfriends house (which I finally understand why I did it), taking him to random parties--which resulted in me getting criminally investigated by a detective for the State of Ohio because he fucked a 12 year old while we were at one and apparently used my camera to record the whole thing. I guess i'm even a bigger tool for going along with it.
Still, that was all summer 2005, was what I blamed my massive failure in terms of grades on in Fall 2005. After not doing much better in Spring 2006. I committed this semester to put an end to the partying, only in extreme circumstances--which to those who know me, know that I don't party at all really, but I told myself if I can allocate only two parties through the year that I would be fine and all my problems would go away--missed out on Fishbowls, Halloween Party, and tonights Masquerade (which i've been dreaming of ever since seeing Phantom of the Opera). I made it to the YD first party of the year, and I intend on making up for Halloween by going to next Wednesday's YD Party dressed as a sorostitute. My mom would have me believe that the alcohol is the source of all of my problems, but my experience with it this semester and all but quitting for most of it, proves otherwise.
Hence, i've figured out that i'm just too passive--I actually give a rats ass enough about my job, my friends, my organizations, my roommates, my family, but not about myself and trying to improve that. I always find something to do for someone else instead of studying, I find myself out at MSD or whatever thinking to myself, "this kind of counts as working out", which it doesn't, and i'm still fat as I always was since i've actually become social. It's probably the reason no one wants to date me, because im too much of a pansy ass to actually not care about something external to myself.
Tomorrow, I have an opportunity to go to Roanoke and get laid, some of the best sex i've ever had is in that town--instead I am going to Terryn's birthday party. Because what the hell, seeing a smile on her face as she is surrounded by friends is better than the O faces that would otherwise be made. But that is okay, that is a trade off i'm willing to accept. I love Terryn and Eileen, and they are insanely awesome,and I will continue to do that. I also love to help with Skye's little tasks like feeding her fish and such, because she is awesome, and I will continue to do that. I love to clean up around the apartment and take the rent to Foxridge and pay bills, because seriously, who else is going to do it? I've tried to be a good friend and excellent roommate to Meghan, but it isn't the same as it was last year--whenever I try to say something nice, she gives me a nasty ass look and basically turns into a total bitch before resigning to her room--the old me would care and would buy her chocolate or something, but I can't do that forever.
Basically I just need to figure out where to draw the line on how much I do for others, and figure out the "something" that is impacting my grades. The two things out of three still applies and if I intend on actually paying rent in the Spring, and therefore being a good roommate, I have to work. So, hence, I am going inactive next semester for APO. I fear that if I just went associate I'd do just as much because of the exposure to it--because I sure didnt stop at 45 hours this semester. I still intend on helping out at some service projects, such as SHARE, but the rest of it, the meetings (which coincidentally conflict with another meeting ive been wanting to go to for some time to actually figure out my bi-gay-straight conflict since 2005--the LGB support group), the midquarters, the initiations, the final vote ins, the pledge meetings, the CPPC's, the simple fact that I cant say no to not going to one of those things when I reallly cant make it because of schoolwork is why I can't do it in the first place.
So basically, im deciding to quit all together instead of working out something in my head to actually becoming assertive--I dont want to become an asshole, but instead want to reach a balance of sorts, where I can focus on these things independently and equally. I need coaching or something to actually learn how to say no, and when I should say it. I feel like this is my alcohol, my curse, and while it makes me a better person for it, I am rotting inside.
I need some comments, as this is something I've been struggling with since Fall 2005, please help me, I finally need it.