Feelings Not Erased
It is sad to think that I am still being affected by the sadness within that James has left in me. I'm sure there is a great deal more but what I did discover yesterday was heavy on my heart; as small as it was. I know this is the beginning of what is to come but I don't know if I'll be able to handle it without killing him or myself. All I can do is pray and hope that God may take mercy on his soul. He faces the same problems as me yet I don't like to react melancholy. I don't like to be sad and depressed because it doesn't do anything for me. I hate being emotional and writing out long meaningless poetry for the sake of reflection of my sadness. It doesn't do a damn thing for me nor gives me any freedom but just makes it worse because I go on and on about it and I can't seem to stop doing it. I feel sorry for James, not necessarily just for his problems but how he does these things to himself. He likes to be sad and be in pain to where it can one day numb itself out completly. Of course, I don't know that for a matter of certainity but I do think that is the situation here. Maybe one day, he'll be able to get rid of it all. I'll help him too.