(no subject)
You know.. I don't think I've ever properly introduced myself to you, journal. I feel a bit bad seeing that I always ran away to you to vent and release my thoughts into your pages but never truly told you who I am and where I came from. Well.. allow me to introduce myself.. truthfully to you.
Hello journal,
My name is Mayrah (Ma'raj) Habibullah but I like to go by Mayraj Mikyal Aali only because I hate my last name. I am 19 years old Middle Eastern + South Asian that has been alive in this world for about 19 years. It's hard to believe... I've been alive that long. I remember just yseterday the moments and memories that I made at age 11 and 12; I sat there thinking as my mind ventured to this distant future, wondering what I'd turn out to be. Now I sit here with my mind reaching back to the young mind of my heart, sending images, experiences, and knowledge that I've accumilated over the time in hopes to educate that part of me that has past and gone with the seasons of change. I can't say that I'm all that elated to be who I am now but at least... I don't hate myself either. I'm a strange boy at times, with my heart split between the past and future. A part of me still feels like a boy at heart, trying to let go of the dreams and ideals I've made when I was little but... that's only because I wish to grow up and move on already. I guess.. certain things only come to you when change is in the most appropiate context of time. Other than this..
Things have changed about me and yet... nothing has changed at all.
Haha... I don't believe it.. I'm 19.. and people say that my life has just barely begun but I know in my heart that my time here in this world is short. I don't know why I feel this way but something in my heart says I will die far before I will have a hoarry head. It's fine though, I don't really want to live that long anyway; it bothers me to grow too old. I still want to feel young and have my spirits feel like it can soar. I don't think I'll feel the same if I'm too old...
Anyway.. I don't know what else to say about myself. I don't have any friends really around me, but I try to make them. Lately I've lost a great deal of trust in people but I still try my best to extend a hand. I think it's because inside I feel so empty and lost amongst the trekking of time, I can't seem to stand on my own two feet anymore. I want to be able to open my eyes to an age where I can look at things with genuine and prestine perspective that is purely of my own thoughts.. and no one's influence. I'd like to travel the world in search of my personal Eden.. my home... or a place I can call sancturary. Though my physical sancturary is my mother and the womb she had kept me in for gestation, it isn't the same. I feel.. I must travel and find myself... amongst the world; find who I truly am at heart. People say this sort of thing happens to individuals like myself, still unsure of what I want and need, still insecure about the people and things around. I know my truths cannot be absolute truths though.. and I will do my best to ascertain this fact daily. I merely wish to exercise my options of freedom to the fullest of my comfort and expand no more beyond it. I don't think the knowledge I will gain in that time will be something I can share with the world and say "it is how life is" because that is far too bold but... I know it shall be true for me at least.
I hope.. that I find my "home", where my heart feels best in.
I wonder.. will I continue to journey forward even if I find a place suitable to all my needs or will I continue to search mountain high and valley low for my sancturary? I wonder... where will such a place exist? Where will I be most home at? It has to embrace all the parts of me.. not just certain ones. I guess... we'll see...
Hello journal,
My name is Mayrah (Ma'raj) Habibullah but I like to go by Mayraj Mikyal Aali only because I hate my last name. I am 19 years old Middle Eastern + South Asian that has been alive in this world for about 19 years. It's hard to believe... I've been alive that long. I remember just yseterday the moments and memories that I made at age 11 and 12; I sat there thinking as my mind ventured to this distant future, wondering what I'd turn out to be. Now I sit here with my mind reaching back to the young mind of my heart, sending images, experiences, and knowledge that I've accumilated over the time in hopes to educate that part of me that has past and gone with the seasons of change. I can't say that I'm all that elated to be who I am now but at least... I don't hate myself either. I'm a strange boy at times, with my heart split between the past and future. A part of me still feels like a boy at heart, trying to let go of the dreams and ideals I've made when I was little but... that's only because I wish to grow up and move on already. I guess.. certain things only come to you when change is in the most appropiate context of time. Other than this..
Things have changed about me and yet... nothing has changed at all.
Haha... I don't believe it.. I'm 19.. and people say that my life has just barely begun but I know in my heart that my time here in this world is short. I don't know why I feel this way but something in my heart says I will die far before I will have a hoarry head. It's fine though, I don't really want to live that long anyway; it bothers me to grow too old. I still want to feel young and have my spirits feel like it can soar. I don't think I'll feel the same if I'm too old...
Anyway.. I don't know what else to say about myself. I don't have any friends really around me, but I try to make them. Lately I've lost a great deal of trust in people but I still try my best to extend a hand. I think it's because inside I feel so empty and lost amongst the trekking of time, I can't seem to stand on my own two feet anymore. I want to be able to open my eyes to an age where I can look at things with genuine and prestine perspective that is purely of my own thoughts.. and no one's influence. I'd like to travel the world in search of my personal Eden.. my home... or a place I can call sancturary. Though my physical sancturary is my mother and the womb she had kept me in for gestation, it isn't the same. I feel.. I must travel and find myself... amongst the world; find who I truly am at heart. People say this sort of thing happens to individuals like myself, still unsure of what I want and need, still insecure about the people and things around. I know my truths cannot be absolute truths though.. and I will do my best to ascertain this fact daily. I merely wish to exercise my options of freedom to the fullest of my comfort and expand no more beyond it. I don't think the knowledge I will gain in that time will be something I can share with the world and say "it is how life is" because that is far too bold but... I know it shall be true for me at least.
I hope.. that I find my "home", where my heart feels best in.
I wonder.. will I continue to journey forward even if I find a place suitable to all my needs or will I continue to search mountain high and valley low for my sancturary? I wonder... where will such a place exist? Where will I be most home at? It has to embrace all the parts of me.. not just certain ones. I guess... we'll see...