Familiar Taste of Poison...
I could fight with you until the end, I could fight to make you see my point, but where would that get either of us in this moment? Where would that get me? Single in the end in a matter of weeks or months? I am so lost right now. I am so confused. I am so depressed right here in this moment. This is causing my soul to cry out in vain. This is making me want to scream right now, make me cry, make me want to hate her even though I cannot. She told me she is no longer in love with me. Mary did the same exact fucking thing to me. I, god where do I begin on how much that breaks my heart. But she is right, this is just stringing me along. Oh journal, where do I pick up the pieces and how do I move on from here. How do I carry on? How do I pick up and just collect all these pieces to my broken heart, carry forward despite what I feel for her inside. How am I supposed to just look at her with all of this love in my heart, and not do anything about it? I do not know what to do anymore. I am so confused. Hell even my own writing reflects that right now.
No one could possibly love her the way I love her. There is no possibility of this matter. There is no one that can hold a flame to me. There is no one that will ever hold a flame to her. I can't give up but at the same time I need to roll over like a submissive fucking dog. I just gotta give up no matter what I want to do about things. I have to let her go in this moment despite the fact that my mind, my heart, and my soul are screaming in vain to never let her go. I can't let her leave me so easily. Yet I have to despite what I feel inside. I want to hide my heart forever and never let it out. This is going to change me if I am not careful. I can let this get out of control. I could potentially lose myself during this time period in my life. I could totally lose myself right now. How in the fuck am I supposed to not do that?
This is all so stupid. I should have known something was up. I am such a fucking fool right now. I should have never given my heart to her. What the fuck ever. What did I do to deserve this? I finally found someone worth me and my affections only to get fully dumped months later like I meant nothing to her. This is some bull shit!!! I did nothing wrong and she just totally stomped on my heart like I meant absofuckinglutely nothing worthwhile to her. I even bought a strap on with her, got her on my cell phone plan for ease of things and now what, she just throws me into the dust like I meant nothing? She is mentally whacked out of her fucking skull to think this is a good idea to do. This is horrid. This is so many damn things I can barely fathom the words I need to describe this right now. She is a fucking fool to let me go. I know my damn worth in a relationship. This is crazy!!
Her soul is crying, I can see the sadness in her eyes to be doing this right now. I can see the pain in her eyes realizing that this could possibly be the worst mistake of her life, that when she realizes that this is just a mistake, it may be too late to rekindle anything at all. I know she is considering this in her decisions right now, but it brings little relief to me right now. I wish I could find some form of relief in all of this. I wish I could get angry. I wish I could get mad at her. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs to her how wrong how dead wrong we are in this decision. I wish so many things in this moment. I wish to dear fucking god this is all a nightmare and I will wake from it on the morrow. I just... I don't even know anymore. She has lit up my whole world and taught me so much in so few of months. I wish I knew what to do with this right now. I wish I had a clue which step in what direction was the right one. I just wish.... I can sit here all damn day long and wish in one hand, and allow myself to shit in the other, and see which one fills up first. I know which one will physically lead to anything.
We have decided to do a two bedroom to help each other out. But is this a wise idea for my own sanity? She will meet new people and bring them over and I will always be wondering. But at the same time I do not want to live with Katey up in the ghetto. So I am having an internal struggle with what path is the right one. So we compromised and agreed to try out a six month lease and see where things lead with one another. No I won't allow myself to get hung up on her too much, but is this something I can emotionally handle? I will not know until I honestly give it a whirl. I won't know until I try. I won't understand how I will react to these hard as hell things until I am in the positions to see where they take me. I just hope she does keep her word and does treat me with respect. She said she would...
I need a hug. I need a big strong drink. I need a friends shoulder to cry my eyes out onto, and just feel sorry for myself for once before I pull myself together and begin to feel nothing at all. I want her to realize these things, and I pray, before it is too late. Oh well...
I am going to kick back, listen to music and stumble the internet before I lose my damn mind. Off to something soothing for once. I need to just take a chill pill and pretend that life isn't bearing down upon my head.
No one could possibly love her the way I love her. There is no possibility of this matter. There is no one that can hold a flame to me. There is no one that will ever hold a flame to her. I can't give up but at the same time I need to roll over like a submissive fucking dog. I just gotta give up no matter what I want to do about things. I have to let her go in this moment despite the fact that my mind, my heart, and my soul are screaming in vain to never let her go. I can't let her leave me so easily. Yet I have to despite what I feel inside. I want to hide my heart forever and never let it out. This is going to change me if I am not careful. I can let this get out of control. I could potentially lose myself during this time period in my life. I could totally lose myself right now. How in the fuck am I supposed to not do that?
This is all so stupid. I should have known something was up. I am such a fucking fool right now. I should have never given my heart to her. What the fuck ever. What did I do to deserve this? I finally found someone worth me and my affections only to get fully dumped months later like I meant nothing to her. This is some bull shit!!! I did nothing wrong and she just totally stomped on my heart like I meant absofuckinglutely nothing worthwhile to her. I even bought a strap on with her, got her on my cell phone plan for ease of things and now what, she just throws me into the dust like I meant nothing? She is mentally whacked out of her fucking skull to think this is a good idea to do. This is horrid. This is so many damn things I can barely fathom the words I need to describe this right now. She is a fucking fool to let me go. I know my damn worth in a relationship. This is crazy!!
Her soul is crying, I can see the sadness in her eyes to be doing this right now. I can see the pain in her eyes realizing that this could possibly be the worst mistake of her life, that when she realizes that this is just a mistake, it may be too late to rekindle anything at all. I know she is considering this in her decisions right now, but it brings little relief to me right now. I wish I could find some form of relief in all of this. I wish I could get angry. I wish I could get mad at her. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs to her how wrong how dead wrong we are in this decision. I wish so many things in this moment. I wish to dear fucking god this is all a nightmare and I will wake from it on the morrow. I just... I don't even know anymore. She has lit up my whole world and taught me so much in so few of months. I wish I knew what to do with this right now. I wish I had a clue which step in what direction was the right one. I just wish.... I can sit here all damn day long and wish in one hand, and allow myself to shit in the other, and see which one fills up first. I know which one will physically lead to anything.
We have decided to do a two bedroom to help each other out. But is this a wise idea for my own sanity? She will meet new people and bring them over and I will always be wondering. But at the same time I do not want to live with Katey up in the ghetto. So I am having an internal struggle with what path is the right one. So we compromised and agreed to try out a six month lease and see where things lead with one another. No I won't allow myself to get hung up on her too much, but is this something I can emotionally handle? I will not know until I honestly give it a whirl. I won't know until I try. I won't understand how I will react to these hard as hell things until I am in the positions to see where they take me. I just hope she does keep her word and does treat me with respect. She said she would...
I need a hug. I need a big strong drink. I need a friends shoulder to cry my eyes out onto, and just feel sorry for myself for once before I pull myself together and begin to feel nothing at all. I want her to realize these things, and I pray, before it is too late. Oh well...
I am going to kick back, listen to music and stumble the internet before I lose my damn mind. Off to something soothing for once. I need to just take a chill pill and pretend that life isn't bearing down upon my head.