Too close to love you...
I got to be true to myself. I need to decide what is best for me at this point. There are certain things that have caught my eye as of late. What is it that it will take just to make me happy anymore. Is it this move to Colorado that all of a sudden she can no longer make up her mind on, or is staying here and hopefully transferring my job to another location. I am tired of this part time competition bull shit. I can't fucking do this anymore. I question existing at this point. I question so much of my own path now that it is slightly ridiculous. I do not know what the next step is and I refuse to budge until I know. I refuse to move forward being uncertain right now. I am not sure if this healthy for me, but it can't hurt me any further ya know? I need to figure this all out.
Ammie came to me talking about missing Colorado. We decide to make the journey once more into the unknown as a couple to go back. We start telling those we missed the most about it as well. Now my friends and family are all excited for my return, but now it may not even happen. Can I let those people down? Is that even a plausible thing to do? I don't know. I know I want to move back, start over and do things right this time around. It started to feel like home right as I packed my things to move here. Now, I am here, miserable, but enjoying the landscape. I missed water. I missed the peaceful calm it always brought me. I missed that about Florida. But I miss my mountains. I missed the rolling hills and landscape. I miss the valet job and the daily cash flow that tips always brought me. I miss some of my friends and especially Cesar. I miss him something awful. I attached to him in ways I never thought I could attach to a child as. I would like to create my own, but am unsure if that will ever come to pass in the future. Who knows anymore. I sure as hell don't.
But am I moving there for her or for me? Am I staying here for her or for me? Is this relationship worth my happiness nowadays. I love her dearly. I truly do, and would honestly go to the ends of the earth for her. But I am unsure of our next steps together and that makes me leery as all fuck. Her family is slowly warming up to me, but how long will it be before they accept our love? Ever? I don't know what to do to make them accept this honestly, I don't think they ever will and I know how hard that is on her. I want certain things someday, and not sure if they will ever come to pass because of their opinions. She doesn't even realize just how much she lives for others when she should be living for herself. It is maddening to watch from the sidelines and not be able to do anything about. She has done so much for others. Why can't she just live for herself for once instead of making everyone else happy? They are miserable no matter what you do. If they are miserable little fucks let them be that way.
I haven't done much of anything except for work myself half to death, until recently. I finally quit one of the two jobs. Now I am sitting back and relaxing with one part time job. But it isn't enough money. It just isn't working out making jack shit for a wage. I mean, it does pay ten bucks an hour, but still. This is silly how much time I spend there twiddling my thumbs. I need to be moving. I need to be selling. But no one is buying. I am not happy in retail, but what career field will I be happy in? I have been thinking a lot about this. I need to decide where we are going to be living so that I can decide on a school and go back for a degree of some sort. When I was discussing this with Ammie the other day, one of the things she suggested was an XRay Tech, they make decent money, it seems easy enough of a job, and only two years of school, so not as daunting as the six I was thinking of taking on for my career field.
So that may be the next move, but I need to live somewhere for awhile first. I mean what if we move into town and decide on the city next, or move to the city and she wants Colorado. AHHH she is driving me insane with indecision. I love her, but damn it this is killing me not knowing. I am the type of person who has to know everything because I swear I am just insane like that. Oh well...
So there is all this going through my head, and then just recently it appears there is an emotional value between a friend and I. I am not sure if I am reading too much into things but it kind of made itself clear to me. And I am not alone in thinking that. I am flattered, but I can't do that to myself, my friendship, or Ammie. I am happy with her overall despite how it is suddenly a little wonky right now. I know it won't be wonky for long. I know it will clear up on its own accord and that is exciting to itself honestly. We will be together officially six months in like four days. Thats pretty bad ass all to itself. I am really looking forward to it continuing for many years. That is a definite joy. But what to do about this friend. I know they will not make a move out of respect for my relationship. I am just hoping I am over analyzing things like I have the awesome tendency of doing. It would be better if I was.
I just need to sit down and talk with Ammie and figure all this shit out once and for all. She seemed to get really stressed out earlier, so I will leave the topic at bay until later on. We shall see. For now it is off to go play with my music. Later days.
Ammie came to me talking about missing Colorado. We decide to make the journey once more into the unknown as a couple to go back. We start telling those we missed the most about it as well. Now my friends and family are all excited for my return, but now it may not even happen. Can I let those people down? Is that even a plausible thing to do? I don't know. I know I want to move back, start over and do things right this time around. It started to feel like home right as I packed my things to move here. Now, I am here, miserable, but enjoying the landscape. I missed water. I missed the peaceful calm it always brought me. I missed that about Florida. But I miss my mountains. I missed the rolling hills and landscape. I miss the valet job and the daily cash flow that tips always brought me. I miss some of my friends and especially Cesar. I miss him something awful. I attached to him in ways I never thought I could attach to a child as. I would like to create my own, but am unsure if that will ever come to pass in the future. Who knows anymore. I sure as hell don't.
But am I moving there for her or for me? Am I staying here for her or for me? Is this relationship worth my happiness nowadays. I love her dearly. I truly do, and would honestly go to the ends of the earth for her. But I am unsure of our next steps together and that makes me leery as all fuck. Her family is slowly warming up to me, but how long will it be before they accept our love? Ever? I don't know what to do to make them accept this honestly, I don't think they ever will and I know how hard that is on her. I want certain things someday, and not sure if they will ever come to pass because of their opinions. She doesn't even realize just how much she lives for others when she should be living for herself. It is maddening to watch from the sidelines and not be able to do anything about. She has done so much for others. Why can't she just live for herself for once instead of making everyone else happy? They are miserable no matter what you do. If they are miserable little fucks let them be that way.
I haven't done much of anything except for work myself half to death, until recently. I finally quit one of the two jobs. Now I am sitting back and relaxing with one part time job. But it isn't enough money. It just isn't working out making jack shit for a wage. I mean, it does pay ten bucks an hour, but still. This is silly how much time I spend there twiddling my thumbs. I need to be moving. I need to be selling. But no one is buying. I am not happy in retail, but what career field will I be happy in? I have been thinking a lot about this. I need to decide where we are going to be living so that I can decide on a school and go back for a degree of some sort. When I was discussing this with Ammie the other day, one of the things she suggested was an XRay Tech, they make decent money, it seems easy enough of a job, and only two years of school, so not as daunting as the six I was thinking of taking on for my career field.
So that may be the next move, but I need to live somewhere for awhile first. I mean what if we move into town and decide on the city next, or move to the city and she wants Colorado. AHHH she is driving me insane with indecision. I love her, but damn it this is killing me not knowing. I am the type of person who has to know everything because I swear I am just insane like that. Oh well...
So there is all this going through my head, and then just recently it appears there is an emotional value between a friend and I. I am not sure if I am reading too much into things but it kind of made itself clear to me. And I am not alone in thinking that. I am flattered, but I can't do that to myself, my friendship, or Ammie. I am happy with her overall despite how it is suddenly a little wonky right now. I know it won't be wonky for long. I know it will clear up on its own accord and that is exciting to itself honestly. We will be together officially six months in like four days. Thats pretty bad ass all to itself. I am really looking forward to it continuing for many years. That is a definite joy. But what to do about this friend. I know they will not make a move out of respect for my relationship. I am just hoping I am over analyzing things like I have the awesome tendency of doing. It would be better if I was.
I just need to sit down and talk with Ammie and figure all this shit out once and for all. She seemed to get really stressed out earlier, so I will leave the topic at bay until later on. We shall see. For now it is off to go play with my music. Later days.