Rant
So much has happened over the last couple of days. I have realized who is reliable and who is a piece of shit to me at this point. Maybe not to that level but def close. True colors have flowed quite a bit lately. Why is it people can't be unselfish genuine folks? Why must people be like this? I don't want to let anyone else in close to me now. I am tired of getting treated like this. I am tired of being treated less than I deserve. This week I got into it with Tiff over the storage unit. First and foremost, I and Katey are paying the gas, the time, the money for a trailer, not you. We will get it to you on our own terms. Not yours. We have lives down here, or does that not matter to you anymore since you found the love of your life? Time and time again it has been proven to me the worth I have to you. Your words hold weakness now. They are nothing compared to how you make me feel on a consistent basis. I can't trust you, I cannot rely on you. I know what I will lose by pushing you away from me. I know the depth that this will go. I know what all this entails. I will be pushing Cesar, mom, Bethany, and George as well as their children away. I get it. I truly do. It sucks. So many memories though since we moved here. You might want to move back to Florida, but unless my woman is next to my side, I am going nowhere. You would only convince me to go back to the black hole because if I truly care about Cesar I will go back blah blah blah. You manipulate better than anyone I know, but you do it in such a way that you aren't using them. Well no more. You are going to an arms length.
You know who was there for me yesterday Katey?? My fucking coworkers. They were there for me. Ones that couldn't be wish they were. My own boss wish she could have and offered that if after the fact if I needed help she would have helped me. That was awesome. I am going to maybe let them in a bit. Just a little bit closer and see what happens, then let them in more. You are so far up your girlfriends ass these days. I am fed up with this. I lost sleep last night due to this. Wtf is so special about your woman you are willing to lose friends over her? Is she worth it to you? Is she? FUCKING A! Wake up before people leave you in the dust. If the roles had been reversed I would have been there for you in a blink of an eye. Yes I love my girlfriend, I want to discuss important things with her. I want to share my world with her. I want her as my partner for life. And if we had needed to discuss something and you called me asking for help which you NEVER fucking do, I would have asked her to pause it for a minute, let's do this, then I promise you will have my undivided attention. And then given it to her!! WTF is wrong with you. You are not the same Katey I dated. You are someone I can barely stand to be around. I want to move out, but I am a person of my word. I do not think this lease is going to end on good terms at this point. I think it will be a very bloody end. That is my personal opinion at this point. So fuck off for right now. I am avoiding you and you know it. You are trying to include me in dinner tonight. Trying to make a better impression upon me. But I just do not have time for this game. You can try but I highly doubt I will give you a second chance now, that kills me. You are such a wonderful woman to spend time with. You can be a pain in the ass but who isn't? I know I am a handful in and out of a relationship. But, for you to ditch me like I meant nothing to me. Well, that hurts me. And hurt turns into anger... So bite me.
Yesterday Ammie came to about something that I was unintentionally doing. I had a moment where I reverted to the old me. I am unsure if she saw it or not in my eyes. They give me away with her. I got hard. I emotionally shut down. Not because I was feeling that I was being attacked, but handling the situation. I haven't done that in a long time. Soon as I felt myself grow cold as I used to in the day, I made an effort to clear my mind and hear her out the rest of the way, not be hard and cold in what I say back, but emotionally vulnerable. I was proud that I put forth that effort and was rewarded handsomely with the conversation flowing easily, and the problem being fixed. That was a good feeling.
My back is beginning to decline more now. I need to take better care of myself and begin stretching and repairing what I can. When I get on decent health insurance I need to see a physical therapist and get more help. I want to avoid back surgery. I am quickly approaching it though and am terrified of that concept.
That is all for now. Class tomorrow begins. The next sixteen weeks will show me the next six years of my life. I am terrified I cannot do this and will give up before I even begin. I am scared that I cannot divide my time properly. We shall see. I gotta have faith damn it.
I am still kicking myself in the ass right now about some things. Damn it all to hell. Stupid brain. Oh well. Off I go to finish my chores. Adios.
You know who was there for me yesterday Katey?? My fucking coworkers. They were there for me. Ones that couldn't be wish they were. My own boss wish she could have and offered that if after the fact if I needed help she would have helped me. That was awesome. I am going to maybe let them in a bit. Just a little bit closer and see what happens, then let them in more. You are so far up your girlfriends ass these days. I am fed up with this. I lost sleep last night due to this. Wtf is so special about your woman you are willing to lose friends over her? Is she worth it to you? Is she? FUCKING A! Wake up before people leave you in the dust. If the roles had been reversed I would have been there for you in a blink of an eye. Yes I love my girlfriend, I want to discuss important things with her. I want to share my world with her. I want her as my partner for life. And if we had needed to discuss something and you called me asking for help which you NEVER fucking do, I would have asked her to pause it for a minute, let's do this, then I promise you will have my undivided attention. And then given it to her!! WTF is wrong with you. You are not the same Katey I dated. You are someone I can barely stand to be around. I want to move out, but I am a person of my word. I do not think this lease is going to end on good terms at this point. I think it will be a very bloody end. That is my personal opinion at this point. So fuck off for right now. I am avoiding you and you know it. You are trying to include me in dinner tonight. Trying to make a better impression upon me. But I just do not have time for this game. You can try but I highly doubt I will give you a second chance now, that kills me. You are such a wonderful woman to spend time with. You can be a pain in the ass but who isn't? I know I am a handful in and out of a relationship. But, for you to ditch me like I meant nothing to me. Well, that hurts me. And hurt turns into anger... So bite me.
Yesterday Ammie came to about something that I was unintentionally doing. I had a moment where I reverted to the old me. I am unsure if she saw it or not in my eyes. They give me away with her. I got hard. I emotionally shut down. Not because I was feeling that I was being attacked, but handling the situation. I haven't done that in a long time. Soon as I felt myself grow cold as I used to in the day, I made an effort to clear my mind and hear her out the rest of the way, not be hard and cold in what I say back, but emotionally vulnerable. I was proud that I put forth that effort and was rewarded handsomely with the conversation flowing easily, and the problem being fixed. That was a good feeling.
My back is beginning to decline more now. I need to take better care of myself and begin stretching and repairing what I can. When I get on decent health insurance I need to see a physical therapist and get more help. I want to avoid back surgery. I am quickly approaching it though and am terrified of that concept.
That is all for now. Class tomorrow begins. The next sixteen weeks will show me the next six years of my life. I am terrified I cannot do this and will give up before I even begin. I am scared that I cannot divide my time properly. We shall see. I gotta have faith damn it.
I am still kicking myself in the ass right now about some things. Damn it all to hell. Stupid brain. Oh well. Off I go to finish my chores. Adios.