Cold Water
The fear was drowning you, filling your lungs like cold water. You were fighting for every breath and the nurse’s gentle commands of ‘breathe, breathe, breathe,’ just seemed like a cruel form of mockery. Soon the fear had filled your lungs and it started to spread, travelling through your veins and leaving no inch of your body untouched, until it finally settled in your heart. The fear murmured with every beat, all the questions you had longed to ask God before you had lost your faith.
Am I strong enough to do this?
Would she be better off without me?
Did my parents ever really love me?
You wanted to believe that He could hear you now, believe that He had all the answers but your soul knew better. It knew how long you had been broken. It knew how long you had been lost…maybe a little too long for redemption.
*****<3*****
You hadn’t loved her instantly, actually you had spent the first few months of your pregnancy pretending she didn’t exist, but from the moment you had first felt her kick you’d been a goner. Then as your life began spiralling out of control, she had been the only one you could talk to. There had been long nights in your fold out bed in Finn’s basement, curled under the covers talking about everything and anything. Sometimes when you didn’t have any words you’d put your Ipod on shuffle and share the headphones with your baby bump. There had been early mornings spent together , curled around the toilet bowl, where in between violent heaves you’d whisper comforting words to her…your daughter.
Lies don’t stay lies for very long, and you had learned just how quickly they can turn into truths…the hard way. Your lies had turned into truths, with the help of Rachel Berry, and resulted in your immediate homelessness. You had thought you’d been alone before, but this gave a whole new meaning to the word alone. You’d sat on the bench at the bus stop with your suitcase by your side, watched the moon chase the sun away, until a steady hand grasped yours.
Weeks passed by slowly and you were still broken and you’d suspected the pieces had scattered so far that you’d never be whole again.
Then one day the loneliness faded as you slowly found out what it meant to be a friend;
Days spent at the mall picking out maternity wear (Rachel would always treat you to a pretzel or ice cream, depending on your craving that day)
Nights spent doing homework (Rachel’s anal retentiveness finally coming in handy)
Lunches in the cafeteria (Rachel was the only person who would eat with you and she only ever smiled when you stole her food)
The loneliness continued to fade as you realized what it meant to be part of a family;
Game nights on Tuesday (you’d always let Rachel win because her smile calmed you),
Dinners together at the table (where you would sit across from Rachel to watch her talk animatedly about her day because she was the only person who could make you laugh),
Movie night on Saturday (your small bladder being the perfect excuse to leave the room so you could be the last one seated, snuggled close to Rachel on the small couch),
Then the loneliness had completely disappeared when you fell in love…with Rachel;
Soulful brown eyes and her angelic voice invaded your dreams (and every second of every day you were awake too)
A stolen kiss in her bedroom (Rachel had gasped and your tongue had reacted automatically)
Sweaty skin and beating hearts in the bedroom that was now yours (you’d both been nervous and awkward and it had been perfect)
It had felt really good to not be lonely anymore.
*****<3*****
The tears burned your eyes as you heard your daughter cry. This made everything real now. You couldn’t stop the shivers that shook your body as the cold water left your lungs and poured out through your eyes. The nurse gently placed the crying pink bundle in the crook of your left arm, and the minute you leaned down and kissed her forehead she stopped crying.
She was enchanting and absolutely perfect and you couldn’t believe that the same thing that had destroyed your faith in God had now restored it.
Tearing your eyes away from your daughter they slowly trailed down to look at your right hand. It was entwined with Rachel’s. You’d grabbed it back at the house when your water had broken. You’d held it the whole car ride to the hospital. You’d held it as they’d wheeled you to your room. You’d held it all through the delivery and you were still holding on now. You couldn’t let go, not when everything was so perfect, so you’d decided to hold on forever.
And after your daughter had been put to sleep and Rachel had drifted off in the chair beside your bed, fingers still grasping yours tightly, you tilted your head towards the sky, closed your eyes and whispered…
“Thank you.”