Sadness from afar
I didn't attend Ben's funeral... I feel guilty about it but I didn't.
I made a thousand excuses why not but really the real reason is that I couldn't face it. I couldn't face his death just yet... I still don't know if I can.
I liked Ben. He was a great person... and I'm still troubled by what happened. I think I'm in the "denial" stage of grief right now and I really don't want to accept what happened so if people are mad at me because I didn't go I'm very very sorry.
I wrote depressing poetry yesterday... the kind emo kids write only I actually have a reason to be sad right now.
I think this Nekocon is going to be kinda rough... I'll miss Ben.
He always made me smile even when things were stressful. When I was running around like a chicken with my head cutt off he was the one who would stop me, give me a big hug, and say "Isn't this FUN!?"... like a kid in a candy store. Always energetic...
I remember the time I first met Ben, at the Nekocon after-party when Ben and Tiffany and Me and some other people were somehow all on the same bed laughing....
Bradley has been helping me the past few days providing a much needed distraction but he went home today and I'm not sure what to do. Being alone is what kills me... as long as there are people around I seem to be okay but the minute I'm alone I start to think...
I'm sorry for those who were closer to Ben than I was... if I feel this bad I can only imagine what others feel like.
I wish I had gone to the funeral... it might of been good for me. I just didn't think I could go alone... and I had offers of people to go with me I just...
I don't know...
Apathy? Detachment? I didn't want to plan, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to sit in my closet, shut the door, and pretend the world had never changed.
Why... that's the question all the living ask the dead. Why did you die?
WHY did you CHOOSE to die?
I know they say that people choose suicide when their suffering outweighs their ability to cope with their suffering... and I guess Ben must of internalized everything.
I understand that...
I'm guilty of doing that... and there have been a few times in my life I considered suicide. When I thought about it... when it made me wonder hey maybe... I should just let go... but I don't. I keep trudging forward and eventually things get better...
I wish I had talked to Ben more. I wish I knew him better...
But I guess all that's left now is to hope Christianity is wrong and suicides don't put you into eternal sufferage...
or something like that.
I think I'll go back to bed now.
I made a thousand excuses why not but really the real reason is that I couldn't face it. I couldn't face his death just yet... I still don't know if I can.
I liked Ben. He was a great person... and I'm still troubled by what happened. I think I'm in the "denial" stage of grief right now and I really don't want to accept what happened so if people are mad at me because I didn't go I'm very very sorry.
I wrote depressing poetry yesterday... the kind emo kids write only I actually have a reason to be sad right now.
I think this Nekocon is going to be kinda rough... I'll miss Ben.
He always made me smile even when things were stressful. When I was running around like a chicken with my head cutt off he was the one who would stop me, give me a big hug, and say "Isn't this FUN!?"... like a kid in a candy store. Always energetic...
I remember the time I first met Ben, at the Nekocon after-party when Ben and Tiffany and Me and some other people were somehow all on the same bed laughing....
Bradley has been helping me the past few days providing a much needed distraction but he went home today and I'm not sure what to do. Being alone is what kills me... as long as there are people around I seem to be okay but the minute I'm alone I start to think...
I'm sorry for those who were closer to Ben than I was... if I feel this bad I can only imagine what others feel like.
I wish I had gone to the funeral... it might of been good for me. I just didn't think I could go alone... and I had offers of people to go with me I just...
I don't know...
Apathy? Detachment? I didn't want to plan, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to sit in my closet, shut the door, and pretend the world had never changed.
Why... that's the question all the living ask the dead. Why did you die?
WHY did you CHOOSE to die?
I know they say that people choose suicide when their suffering outweighs their ability to cope with their suffering... and I guess Ben must of internalized everything.
I understand that...
I'm guilty of doing that... and there have been a few times in my life I considered suicide. When I thought about it... when it made me wonder hey maybe... I should just let go... but I don't. I keep trudging forward and eventually things get better...
I wish I had talked to Ben more. I wish I knew him better...
But I guess all that's left now is to hope Christianity is wrong and suicides don't put you into eternal sufferage...
or something like that.
I think I'll go back to bed now.